Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990’s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

<<DEVELOPING>>

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Wisconsin Couple Still Not Sexually Harassed

Head Muscle Press (3 November, 2011) – Head Muscle has learned that Mr. Harold Nodderman from Bayfield Wisconsin and his wife Elma are offended that they have yet to be sexually harassed by a politician. “It really is disappointing,” Nodderman told Head Muscle in an exclusive interview. “With all the harassment going on these days, it is not fair that we are being left out…it’s discrimination at its very worst.”  According to Mr. Nodderman neither he nor his wife have received a single inappropriate sexual remark from either party, and they are starting to lose their patience. “Ever since Politico broke the big story on Herman Cain, we have been anxiously awaiting some type of offensive remark from someone…anyone,” Nodderman explained. “Elma has been sitting by the phone for the last three days and is really frustrated. I am not sure how much longer she can wait.”  A complete transcript of our interview with Mr. Nodderman follows:

HM: So, Mr. Nodderman I am curious, why are you “disappointed” that no one has sexually harassed you?

Nodd: Well first of all I am a taxpayer, and if my political leaders are going to spend my money being sexually inappropriate, by God I want my share!

HM: (Pausing) I see…so you are feeling cheated?

Nodd: (Angrily) You’re darn tootin’ we do! We work until May of every year to just pay our taxes and Mr. Obama is asking us to pay even more.  It seems like the least that they could do is give us a naughty call!

HM: (Curiously) So you want your money’s worth…of harassment.

Nodd: Look, I would rather have more jobs, a better economy, real tax reform,  a home that is worth something, and gasoline below four dollars a gallon but none of that seems to be in the works…so we will take a little inappropriate sexy talk.

HM: (Bewildered)  Okay, but wouldn’t that be demeaning and insulting?

Nodd: (Rolling eyes) Ya think?  You know it is called sexual “harassment…”

HM: (Confused) But why would you want to be sexually harassed?

Nodd: (Exasperated) Have you not watched the news even once since Bill Clinton was elected? There is big money in being harassed! Book deals…the works!  I figure I can even get Elma on The View if it is bad enough. She would love that…

HM: The View?

Nodd: (Leaning forward and whispering) I would take something simple like a heavy breathing call from Biden or Weiner in a pinch, but we would really prefer something from the GOP.

HM:  Why the GOP?

Nodd: Well they just seem…kinda…you know…safer.

HM: (Lost) Sorry, but I don’t understand.

Nodd: Well you know…when they’re inappropriate, they don’t really mean it.  Most of the time they are just trying to be nice to someone with an agenda, and before they know it the press is off and running. Elma thinks Mitt is cute too. I mean how freaky could he be…really.  But the Dems…oh man….they’re kind of scary.

HM: What do you mean by “scary?”

Nodd: (Sighing heavily) C’mon….Barney Frank!  Really?

HM: (Nodding) Okay, I think I am following.

Nodd: I mean he just might show up at the door one evening with a jug of body oil or something…(shivers) spooky. You just can’t tell with them…

HM: I see.

Nodd: (Shrugging indifferently) Well…it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I have a back-up plan.

HM: (Curiously) Oh really? What might that be?

Nodd: Well I figure that I will just have Elna call Politico and tell them that Herman harassed her too. That should at least get her on Anderson Cooper.

HM: (Appauled) But it would be a lie!

Nodd: Of course it would be, but based on the latest allegations against Herman Cain, proof does not seem to be a requirement for the press…hey you think we would get to meet Arianna Huffington? She’s smokin’ hot….mmmmm….mmmmm!

HM: Well that seems a bit inappropriate to say…

Nodd: (Laughing) Yeah well, someone needs to teach you the difference between harassment and sarcasm…

With that, the phone rang and our Head Muscle correspondent was forced to conclude the interview prematurely.  We had many more questions for Mr. Nodderman but apparently John Edwards had called to moan and pant.

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Virtue Amongst…(well you know who)

Over the past few days, the left has been doing their best to eviscerate Herman Cain for an alleged “sexual harassment” incident that took place while he served as CEO of the National Restaurant Association.  To date, many on the left have all but pronounced him “unfit” to run because of this conveniently timed hearsay scandal.  Without any real evidence of wrongdoing to lean on, many are hoping that this whirlwind of hyperbole reverses the groundswell of support that Herman Cain has received over the past several weeks.  They are hoping that these allegations, though unproven, will stain the virtue of the Cain star and send it streaking to earth in flames for good.

Of course we all know about the impeccable character of our friends on the left. They are oaks of virtue! Let’s see there’s:

• Rep. David Wu – Accused of assaulting an 18 year old woman.
• Sen John Edwards – Admitted to having an affair and fathering a love child.
• Rep. Anthony Weiner – Posted his naughty bits on Facebook.
• Rep. Mel Reynolds – Convicted of 12 counts of sexual assault with a 16-year-old. (President Bill Clinton pardoned him before leaving office….go figure).
• Rep. Barney Frank – Hired a male prostitute who ran a prostitution service from Frank’s residence in the 1980s.
• Sen Ted Kennedy – Implicated in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick. (Rumor was they were doing it.)
•  Rep. Gerry Studds – Censured for sexual relationship with underage male page in 1983. (For most of us this would be rape…)
• Sen Daniel Inouye – Accused in the 1990s by numerous women of sexual harassment.
• Rep. Gary Condit – Affair with murdered intern Chandra Levy.
• Mayor Gavin Newsom – Affair with top aid’s wife.
• Rep. Allan Howe – Soliciting prostitution.
• Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick – Sexting on the job.
• Rep. Roosevelt Dobbins – Fondling a 16-year-old.

Pretty impressive credentials indeed.  But wait…there seems to be someone I am forgetting…hmmm….oh yeah!!

• President William Jefferson Clinton – Affair in the Oval Office with intern Monica Lewinsky. (Never mind the previous rape allegations.)

Now, before all my liberal readers get themselves worked into a frenzy….yes….I am being somewhat one-sided here.  The fact is that one can find an equally long list of Republicans who have checkered, if not downright kinky, pasts.  There are naughty boys and girls…okay, mostly boys….okay, all boys….on both sides. The point here is that any condemnation of Herman Cain from this crowd is simply laughable. It is nothing more than a bunch of (refer to title) having a debate on virtue.

So to all you Herman Cain fans out there…take a deep breath and stay on point. He will get judged and convicted unfairly and that is certain. The good news is that this story will be dropped like a hot potato as soon as another Congressman is caught with his pants down.

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The Power of Belief

In the latest Fox News Poll Herman Cain has surged to the number one position, and he is even starting to edge in front of the GOP’s favorite son Mitt Romney in Iowa.  Now just a few weeks ago, this scenario would have been inconceivable to almost everyone…except maybe Herman.

There are many things that fascinate me about the Cain phenomena. He is frank, clear on his positions, firm in his refusal to take cheap shots at his opponents, and an electrifying speaker. He is fresh, non-political, and genuinely honest about areas in which he will need to develop his expertise.  As refreshing as all this is however, it is his “belief” in the possible that is most fascinating.

Herman Cain truly believes that he can be President of the United States of America! Even though the odds have been strongly stacked against him, he has remained steadfastly in the fight, winking wryly at all his detractors. He has a vision for this nation and truly believes that he can beat the odds and win!

Now some people may confuse this belief with ego.  Yes…I am sure Mr. Cain is an extremely confident person and requires little self-esteem counseling, but what we see in him is not the typical self-promoting narcissism of the average politician. To the contrary, it is a genuine, almost selfless, belief in America.

When I look at the other candidates I am overwhelmed with the impression that they feel that they “should” be President.  When I listen to Romney I hear a smoothly polished politician who sees the White House as his next achievement.  It is almost as if he is more focused on the office than the objective. To the contrary, when I look at Cain I see a certain innocent, yet determined, optimism that I have not seen since Ronald Reagan.  It is an optimism unblemished by years of political gamesmanship and compromise.  It is the look of someone who sees the Presidency as the means…not the ends.  He is not being driven by an office, but by a vision for America – and it is powerful.

Like Reagan, Cain believes in the boundless potential of our nation and its people, and this is what is driving him forward against the odds.  He is not bound by the limitations and labels that others have placed upon him, and the American people are taking notice by the millions.  Make no mistake, Herman Cain is not surging in the polls because he is perfect. He is rising is the polls because he truly believes in what “we the people” can do..not the government, and this belief is giving Americans a new type of hope – hope in themselves.

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Flashing Right

John McCain lost the 2008 election for three basic reasons.  He ran an incompetent campaign, the global banking market crashed on the Republican’s watch, and no one knew who the heck Barack Obama was. These three facts conspired to drive many center and center-left independents toward the Democrat nominee.  Obama’s call for hope and change was exactly what many war weary folks wanted to hear, and he rolled over the McCain camp like an Abrams tank on cruise control.  Put bluntly, it was ugly.

During his campaign, Obama used a lofty rhetoric that inspired even his most devout adversaries at times.  People voted for him in droves because he was different, an unknown quantity, and everyone was pretty much burned out with who they knew.

This anonymity was arguably Barack Obama’s greatest asset.  Folks did not know what his politics would end up being, but they liked him.  Sure he seemed a bit left, but all candidates campaign for their their core constituents and then move to the center once elected.  How bad could this guy be after all?  With that, our nation made a calculated hard left turn. The destination was a mystery, but everyone hoped for a smoother ride.

The bad news for Barack is that the anonymity that he had enjoyed in 2008, is no longer his ally.  Left leaning voters that put him in office are now looking back at the change that was promised, and wondering what happened. Unemployment is still 9.1% officially, but in reality it is much higher.  In fact, many US cities are still well over 10%. African-American voters, who pulled the lever for Obama 96% of the time, have actually seen modest increases in unemployment numbers since his election and are also starting to ponder their decision. Pacifists have also been let down.  Three years after his election, Guantanamo Bay is still open for business and the US is still involved in military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq.

As wide as the chasms are getting between factions on the left, they are even wider between Obama’s camp and the right.  Unlike the 2008 election where Obama was able to steal McCain’s platform and make it his own; in 2012 he has set himself apart as a hard core liberal in bed with environmentalists, big labor, and big government ideologues.

Three years after Obama’s election, we can look at Republican presidential hopefuls like (this blog’s favorite) Herman Cain, and see clear cut differences in vision and direction for our nation. We see a new focus on individual responsibility and liberty vice government nanny-ism. Republicans are offering new and innovative “free market” friendly solutions like Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 Plan for Prosperity, and the polls show folks are taking notice.

The 2012 presidential election is shaping up to be a potential landslide for conservative values.  Contrary to the opinion of many currently camping out on Wall Street, this is not because “greedy corporations” are controlling our minds with chemicals in our Big Mac patties, but rather because Americans are no longer buying all the big government Utopian BS.  Like 2008, our nation is at a fork in the road.  Utopia at the left and the real world to the right.  Americans are tired of the left’s empty promises and class warfare laden hyperbole, and just want to go to work and pay their mortgages…like in the old days. They are tired of not being able to do so, while at the same time being asked to pay the freight of others. Make no mistake about it dear friends (and others) the fork is approaching fast and, to the chagrin of the current administration, the nation’s blinker is flashing right.

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WWJD?

As we look closely at the upcoming 2012 election, we cannot help but think about how far our nation has drifted from the vision our founding fathers had of a free people protected by a limited government.  They would surely shake their heads in disbelief if they could see what has happened to their great experiment in self-government and liberty.

It is likely that if Thomas Jefferson came back for a day, after reading just one issue of the Washington Post and watching an hour of MSNBC, he would find a bar, drink himself stupid, and then call the Queen of England  to apologize for the revolution.  I can only imagine the horror he would feel as he looked over our 2012 federal budget, read through Obama’s healthcare bill, watched the unwashed idiots playing their bongo drums on Wall Street, and listened to Michael Moore waggle his triple chin about the rich.  I cannot speak personally for Mr. Jefferson, but I am sure that after seeing these things, he would sprint at full speed back to the safety and sanity of his coffin.

To be sure, Mr. Jefferson’s return as a concerned “founding zombie” is not likely, but it really does make one wonder whose side he would really be on if he did.  Many have acclaimed Mr. Jefferson as one our nation’s more “progressive” thinkers, so if any of our founders had the potential to belly up to Obama’s world view it could arguably be him.

So for the sake of argument, let’s say that some mad scientist was able to reanimate Mr. Jefferson’s corpse just in time for him to vote in next year’s election?  Who would he pull the lever for?  Put simply…WWJD? (Note to Readers: Zombies are not required to show a picture ID at polls in most blue states.)

Head Muscle submits that with only a bit of research, Mr. Jefferson tells us in his own words:

Jefferson On Liberty:

“I would rather be exposed to the inconveniencies attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.”

“The last hope of human liberty in this world rests on us. We ought, for so dear a state to sacrifice every attachment and every enmity.”

“The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground.”

“When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.”

Jefferson On Government:

“A wise and frugal government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, which shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor and bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government.”

“The policy of the American government is to leave their citizens free, neither restraining nor aiding them in their pursuits.”

“Our country is too large to have all its affairs directed by a single government. Public servants at such a distance, and from under the eye of their constituents, must, from the circumstances of distance, be unable to administer an overlook all the details necessary for the good government of the citizens; and the same circumstances, by rendering detection impossible to their constituents, will invite public agents to corruption, p,under and waste.”

“I believe the States can best govern our home concerns, and the General Government our foreign ones.”

“The true theory of our Constitution is surely the wisest and best, that the States are independent as to everything within themselves, and united as to everything respecting foreign nations.”

“Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread.”

” Congress has not unlimited powers to provide for the general welfare, but only those specifically enumerated.”

Jefferson On Wealth Redistribution:

“The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.”

“To compel a man to furnish funds for the propagation of ideas he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.”

“To take from one because it is thought that his own industry and that of his father’s has acquired too much, in order to spare to others, who, or whose fathers have not exercised equal industry and skill, is to violate arbitrarily the first principle of association–‘the guarantee to every one of a free exercise of his industry and the fruits acquired by it.'”

“I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.”

Jefferson On Taxation:

“If we run into such debts as that we must be taxed in our meat and in our drink, in our necessaries and our comforts, in our labors and our amusements, for our callings and our creeds, as the people of England are, our people, like them, must come to labor sixteen hours in the twenty-four, and give the earnings of fifteen of these to the government for their debts and daily expenses. And the sixteenth being insufficient to afford us bread, we must live, as they do now, on oatmeal and potatoes, have no time to think, no means of calling the mis-managers to account; but be glad to obtain subsistence by hiring ourselves to rivet their chains around the necks of our fellow sufferers.”

Jefferson On Gun Rights:

“The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.”

“The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it.”

Finally…Jefferson On Obama Care:

“Was the government to prescribe to us our medicine and diet, our bodies would be in such keeping as our souls are now.”

So WWJD? Let’s take a quick tally. Were Mr. Jefferson suddenly walking among us again he would:

1. (Most importantly) Need a shower and some fresh privies

2. Be for a limited federal government

3. Put states in charge of their own domestic affairs

4. Be pro second amendment

5.  Support personal property rights

6. Be firmly against wealth redistribution

7. Rebuff European-style taxation

and yes.., finally…

8. Support the repeal of Obama Care

We may be guilty of being a bit presumptuous here at Head Muscle from time to time…okay…all the time, but it seems pretty clear that we already know the answer to the question.

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Head Muscle Officially Endorses Herman Cain

Head Muscle Press Release (27 Sept 2011) – Head Muscle officially endorses Mr. Herman Cain as the next President of the United States.

Now given the size of our readership, I do not expect that this announcement will make Fox News – or even come to the attention of Mr. Cain for that matter, but we are pleased to make it nonetheless. Rest assured that Head Muscle does not take this endorsement lightly and has deliberated long and hard over it for several months…okay maybe we just decided to do it yesterday, but we are still firm in our conviction.  When it came down to it, the decision was pretty straight forward.

Just look at the facts:

1. Our official unemployment rate is hovering at 9.1 percent, but in reality it is much higher.  Some states and municipalities have unemployment numbers well above 10 percent. This does not even count the underemployed and those that have given up all together. Some have even speculated that we have lost an entire generation of workers due to the current shortage of jobs.

2. Business was already buckling under oppressive regulation and the current administration helped them out by passing Dodd-Frank.  No wonder our businesses are headed overseas by the truckload…

3. Obama Care is looming on the horizon.  It will cause businesses to dump their healthcare plans, force doctors to retire, close hospitals, and degrade healthcare services for over 80% of all Americans.  It will also cripple Medicare and kill research.  As Herman Cain pointed out, if he had been required to use Obama Care when he had cancer – he would be dead today.  Actually, given what Obama has done to our nation over the past three years, I would say that “Obama Care” is clearly an oxymoron.

4. Obama has presided over a five-fold increase in government spending.  Our national deficit is now running at about 1.4 trillion dollars and his answer is to give the crack head another dime bag….brilliant!  We actually elected a man who thinks that the solution for too much government spending is to spend more money.  Okay…we had a moment of collective stupidity in 2008; let’s not let it happen again.

5. Instead of harnessing the powerful free-market forces that made our nation great, Obama has decided to wage class warfare. Rather than lowering taxes (long term) and stepping out of the way to let business prosper, he is advocating about 1.5 trillion dollars in new permanent taxes!  I cannot even believe that he truly thinks that this will help. Just two years ago Obama himself noted that raising taxes during a recession would be a bad idea.  What gives?  This is simply a move to expand his voter base by fiscally enslaving our nation’s producers to its zero-liability takers.  The fact is, if he took every dollar from every wealthy person in the nation it would still not come close to covering the national deficit.  Why does everyone understand this but our President?

6. Our GDP is flat-lining. So after the first stimulus and a promise of thousands of “shovel ready” jobs, why are we not growing? The reason is simple…government does not grow the economy….BUSINESS DOES!  I would go into this in greater detail, but as my Harley buddies like to say, “if I have to explain it, you won’t get it.”

The bottom line here is that we need a leader. Someone who understands our free-market and can harness its awesome potential to pull our nation out of its fiscal tailspin. The reason that Head Muscle is supporting Herman Cain is that, out of all his opponents, he has stuck to his message, stayed out of petty politics, and shown us a better way.  We are proud of our decision to endorse Herman Cain for President, and hope all 12 of our readers understand our decision.

If you are interested in learning more about this man and his vision, please visit Herman Cain online.  Be sure to read about his 9-9-9 Vision for Economic Prosperity.  It is pretty simple. First toss out the current tax code that enslaves half of the American population. Once that is done, institute a 9% flat income tax, a 9% flat corporate tax, and a 9% national sales tax.  That is it!  As Mr. Cain loves to say:

If 10 percent is good enough for God, 9 percent should be good enough for the government…

Stand by for more on Herman Cain in the coming months.  Head Muscle will also be kicking of a unofficial Herman Cain blog alliance for all aspiring and active bloggers.  If you are interested please comment to this post with your site URL, and we will be in touch.

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Cain Is Most Able

Many of my more faithful readers will know that there has not been much activity on Head Muscle the past several months.  The reason for this simple…I lost my energy.  Political blogs are a great thing, but sometimes it seems that one gets in a rut of just regurgitating the same old objections and hearing the same tired arguments.  The plain truth is, I got to a point where I felt as if I was putting more into it than I was getting out of it.

Now don’t get me wrong….this has absolutely nothing to do with my fine and able companions out there in the blogosphere.  My fellow bloggers have towed the line nobly and continue to do so with exacting precision and insight.  All that said however, watching our great nation literally collapse under the misguided vision of our current administration was so emotionally draining, I just lost my steam. The furnace went cold.

When the debates started a few months ago I watched ambivalently as the usual suspects  Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Ron (the kook) Paul, took the stage.  “Wasn’t this the group of folks that lost to Obama the first time?” I could not help but think.  Then this fellow named Herman Cain started talking, and he really got my attention.  Here was a business man with no real political experience making everyone else on stage sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher…wah wah wah wah…you know what I mean.  When I finished watching the first debate I visited his website at Herman Cain for President and really started to dig into who this guy was.  Needless to say I liked what I read, and have since become an ardent Herman Cain supporter.

Over the last several months I have been trying to figure out what to do with Head Muscle.  I still did not have the zeal to jump back into the political issue du jour, but felt that there was still something productive I could do with it.  When Mr. Cain won the Florida straw poll this past week, I knew without a doubt that Head Muscle had a new calling.

Ladies and gentlemen make no mistake about it; our nation is in the middle of a revolution. It is not violent one, but it is a revolution nonetheless.  Our current administration is presiding over the worst economy since the great depression and they are zealously digging the hole deeper. We have anarchists trying to shut down Wall Street, Michael Moore threatening violence, and a stock market in a state of fiscal schizophrenia. In the midst of all this mayhem, our illustrious leader is helping out by blaming everyone’s misfortune on the rich!  Put plainly…we as a nation are in deep kimchi.

So I have decided that instead of letting Head Muscle fade away, I am going to devote it for the foreseeable future to promoting the one person that I believe has the experience, common sense, moral character, and clarity of vision necessary to pull this great nation out of the quicksand. I truly believe that the perilous times we find ourselves in call for a leader and a visionary the likes of Mr. Cain. We need someone who will embrace the free market principles that  made this the greatest country on earth; someone who believes in American exceptionalism and will not settle for making us less that what we are.  We need someone who can carry Ronald Reagan’s dream of  “a shining city on a hill” to its final realization without apologizing or looking back.  When I look at Romney, Perry, Paul, Bachmann, and Gingrich all I see is politics as usual…and these are not usual times.

Now I grant you that Herman Cain has little experience in the political world. In fact he has never even held a major political office. This lack of political experience is an incontrovertible fact.  I would remind you however…as Herman himself noted…that it has been the “seasoned” politicians that have driven us into the wall at full speed?  Yes my friends, we need a change…real change….and his name is Herman Cain.

Please check into Head Muscle regularly for much more insight on the Cain campaign, and don’t forget to go to the Cain for President website yourself and read about the man firsthand.  I would also like to urge all of my fellow bloggers to become active in the Cain campaign. You can check out our Twitter feed @blogforCain for up to the moment updates,  and please consider linking Head Muscle to your sites. I would also like to add as many links as I can to the sites of fellow Cain supporters, so please leave me your URL in a comment. Our goal is to start a grass roots network of blogs all working together to help our nation realize Herman Cain’s vision.

If you think Romney and Perry have things all locked up, let me remind you that folks were saying the very same thing about Hillary back in 2007. If Obama could do it…so Cain we!

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Trump Claims Obama is a Japanese Woman

 <<BREAKING NEWS>>Head Muscle Press 22 April 2011: Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump announced to the press this week that, after extensive investigation, he had located President Barack Obama’s ‘real’ birth certificate.  “Over the past few months I have grown more and more suspicious of the President,” Trump announced to a curious crowd of hastily assembled journalists. “I really wanted to believe that he was an American citizen by birth, but things just were not adding up,” he explained.  “I have gathered you all here today to announce that my worst fears have been confirmed. After months of intensive investigation my team has finally located Mr. Obama’s actual birth certificate, and I am sorry announce that he is not who he appears to be.”  Trump went on to explain that the President’s name was really Miuko Hashinadma, and that he was actually a 32 year-old Japanese dental technician from Okinawa.

“This is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American People,” Trump declared to the stunned crowd. “Given this revelation I believe that our Commander-in-Chief can no longer be trusted, and that we should elect me President effective immediately.”

When pressed by reporters in the room to produce evidence of his allegations, Trump staffers handed out copies of a Japanese birth certificate for a 32 year old woman named Miuko Hashinadma.  The document appeared to be from an Okinawan hospital, and clearly showed that Ms. Hashinadma had been born on August 4 1961 –  the same day as President Obama.

In an attempt to dig deeper into the facts, Head Muscle Press arranged an interview with Celebrity Apprentice contestant Gary Busey.  Transcript follows:

HM: Mr. Busey, thank you for your time this afternoon. Can you give us any insight into Mr. Trump’s latest allegations?

Busey: (Looking up)  Is there a monkey sitting on my head?

HM: (Bewildered) Well…um….I don’t think that there is….bu…

Busey: (Interrupting) Because I really think that there’s a monkey sitting on my head…

HM: (Pausing awkwardly to look) Um, no Mr. Busey there does not to seem to be a monkey up there…now

Busey: (Interrupting again) You know you can’t see them right?

HM: (Confused) You cannot see…what?

Busey: (Grinning) The monkeys dumb ass! If you could see them they wouldn’t be there… now would they?

HM: (Trying hard to follow) So you can’t see them…

Busey: (Pointing) There’s one on your head right now!

HM: (Shocked) You mean to say that you can see a monkey on my head?

Busey: (Rolling eyes) No! God dang you’re a card carrying dumb ass!  If I could see it…

HM: (Interrupting) It wouldn’t be there?

Busey: (Nodding violently) Bingo Bozo!  God…can you even work your own zipper without a diagram?

HM: (Trying desperately to retake control) So…can you tell me anything about this new allegation your boss has made regarding President Obama?

Busey: (Nodding and smiling) My monkey talks to me sometimes.

HM: (Losing patience) Mr. Busey! Could we forget about the monkeys for a moment and talk about your boss’s allegation that our President is actually a Japanese woman?

Busey: (Looking shocked) Dammit to hell! I knew something was wrong with that man from day one!

HM:  The President?

Busey: (Sighing and grabbing his head) No mister short bus…..Trump!  Good God how do you manage to swallow your own saliva?

HM: (Ignoring the insult) So you think that Trump is the crazy one?

Busey: (Wide-eyed) Ya think!!??  Any idiot with two eyes can see that President Obama is Chinese!

HM: (Trying to follow) How exactly can you tell he’s Chinese?

Busey: (Pulling at his hair in frustration) Well for one thing, he’s black!

HM: (Giving up) Oh…well…now that must be why. It’s a dead give away.

Busey: (Looking serious) Hey, are you making fun of our President?

HM: (Getting defensive) No, I was just being sarcastic….

Busey: (Pointing finger) Racist!

HM: (Exasperated) Wha…You just said that he was black when I asked you why….

Busey: (Indignant) No I didn’t.

HM: (Now yelling) You did!!

Busey: (Sternly) Nope. I would never say anything that crazy…Hey! Maybe it was my monkey!

With that Busey crawled under an end table and started trying to make a phone call with one of his shoes.

The next day we were contacted by one of Tump’s spokespersons who, on condition of anonymity, wanted to set the record straight. The transcript from our next interview follows:

HM: Thanks for talking to us about this. Why on earth does Trump think that Obama is a Japanese woman?

SP: Well for one, he found his…I mean her….birth certificate.

HM: (Pressing) Well, what makes Trump think that Obama is actually this Miuko Hashinadma woman?

SP: Well for one, if you had not noticed, they were both born on the same day…duh!

HM: (Skepticle) Well I’m sure a lot of people were born on that day…all over the world!

SP: (Nodding) Yeah, but Trump is absolutely sure that Obama is Miuko Hashinadma.

HM: (Curious) What makes him so sure?

SP: Well for one, he is very rich and smart…just ask him!

HM: (Bemused) Well that is hardly a convincing argument.

SP: (Jabbing finger) You better watch your tone mister reporter man or Donald may just fire you too.

HM: (Finally losing temper) What the hell are you talking about!?  I don’t work for Trump!

SP: (Smiling and standing up) Oh, we all work for Trump my friend…we all work for Trump!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pick my monkey up from the dry cleaners.

With that the spokesperson departed bringing a second interview to an abrupt end.

Just as we were getting ready to give up on the whole story, HM Press received a telephone call from Miuko Hashinadma herself. Though she would not take any questions, she confirmed to us that she was in fact not President Obama, and that she had never in her life been a black man…much less President of the United States.  She also noted it was clear that Obama was Chinese and that any search for his actual birth certificate should start  Beijing.   <<DEVELOPING>>

UPDATE:  In a bizarre turn of events, the entire staff at HM Press just received their pink slips.  Oddly enough, we did work for Trump after all.

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All Is Not Broken

At 1230 p.m. on 27 March 2011 Mr. Edward Schulken, a Navy Veteran, was laid to rest in San Diego California with full military honors. His flag draped coffin rested just in front of a pulpit where a Navy Chaplain spoke fondly about a man he never knew.  In his eulogy for the stranger, the chaplain could only note that, “ours was not to judge.”

The group of men that had come to say farewell to Ed sat, heads bowed, in silent reflection. Many of them had long hair, grey beards, and bifocals. Some wore leather vests and had driven to the service on their Harleys. Like the chaplain who spoke so eloquently before them, they did not know Mr. Schulken either.  Still, they listened somberly.

After the short service, two veterans stood at each end of the coffin, raised our nation’s flag from its lid, and folded it with the care and skill of craftsmen. When they were done a ship’s bell rang, Taps played, and honor guards fired rifles into the air.  After a moment of silence those that that had come to pay their respects formed a line, came forward one at a time, and laid a violet on Edward’s box.  As this happened, one older gentleman wearing a VFW hat sat quietly in his seat – weeping. Perhaps his tears were for Ed, and perhaps they were not. They were tears nonetheless.

After the ceremony, the men gathered outside the chapel and continued to talk about the man that they did not know.  Many had tear filled eyes, and referred to Ed using terms like brother, hero, and patriot.  When everyone departed, Edward Shulken took his last car ride to a local veteran’s cemetery where he was laid in the ground and covered up forever.

Edward’s family and friends had not been at the memorial service, because he had none.  Truth be told, Edward had lived the last years of his life homeless, alone, and forgotten in the streets of San Diego.  No one will ever know what misfortune or poor personal choices led to Ed’s demise, but among the group of men who had assembled to wish him farewell, no one really cared. All that they knew (and had to know) was that Mr. Edward Schulken had served honorably in the United States Navy and was a brother-in-arms. All that mattered to them was that when our nation called, Ed stood to be counted in a rare group of men and women who would willingly sacrifice everything for her.  To those who had come to pay their respects, this stranger was family.

The men who buried Ed were Veterans from the Dignity Memorial Group.  According to DMG, there are over 150,000 homeless veterans across the United States, and they are dying by the dozen every day.  So these men and women do their best to do the right thing.  They collect funds, reserve plots in the ground, and when these homeless Veterans are found dead in  alleys, dark corners, and forgotten places, they bury them honorably.

Edward Schulken’s name will likely never be spoken again.  The grass on top of his grave will be neatly mowed however, and every Veteran’s day someone will place a small American Flag by his headstone to acknowledge his Service.  Though it is likely that no one will ever weep over his grave, many will come and honor what his resting place represents.  They will weep over their own loved ones, and in doing so… in some small way…will remember Ed too.  He will be surrounded by his brothers and sisters-in-arms for all time, and they will lay together as they once stood together.  In death, Ed has finally found his home and his family.

Over the next week, as you listen to stories about nuclear meltdowns, economic collapse, war, suffering, and political turmoil, take a moment to say a short prayer of thanks for the men and women that brought Edward Schulken home.  As long as there are people like this among us, we can all take comfort in knowing that all is not broken.

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