Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990’s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

<<DEVELOPING>>

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance

Cain Is Most Able

Many of my more faithful readers will know that there has not been much activity on Head Muscle the past several months.  The reason for this simple…I lost my energy.  Political blogs are a great thing, but sometimes it seems that one gets in a rut of just regurgitating the same old objections and hearing the same tired arguments.  The plain truth is, I got to a point where I felt as if I was putting more into it than I was getting out of it.

Now don’t get me wrong….this has absolutely nothing to do with my fine and able companions out there in the blogosphere.  My fellow bloggers have towed the line nobly and continue to do so with exacting precision and insight.  All that said however, watching our great nation literally collapse under the misguided vision of our current administration was so emotionally draining, I just lost my steam. The furnace went cold.

When the debates started a few months ago I watched ambivalently as the usual suspects  Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Ron (the kook) Paul, took the stage.  “Wasn’t this the group of folks that lost to Obama the first time?” I could not help but think.  Then this fellow named Herman Cain started talking, and he really got my attention.  Here was a business man with no real political experience making everyone else on stage sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher…wah wah wah wah…you know what I mean.  When I finished watching the first debate I visited his website at Herman Cain for President and really started to dig into who this guy was.  Needless to say I liked what I read, and have since become an ardent Herman Cain supporter.

Over the last several months I have been trying to figure out what to do with Head Muscle.  I still did not have the zeal to jump back into the political issue du jour, but felt that there was still something productive I could do with it.  When Mr. Cain won the Florida straw poll this past week, I knew without a doubt that Head Muscle had a new calling.

Ladies and gentlemen make no mistake about it; our nation is in the middle of a revolution. It is not violent one, but it is a revolution nonetheless.  Our current administration is presiding over the worst economy since the great depression and they are zealously digging the hole deeper. We have anarchists trying to shut down Wall Street, Michael Moore threatening violence, and a stock market in a state of fiscal schizophrenia. In the midst of all this mayhem, our illustrious leader is helping out by blaming everyone’s misfortune on the rich!  Put plainly…we as a nation are in deep kimchi.

So I have decided that instead of letting Head Muscle fade away, I am going to devote it for the foreseeable future to promoting the one person that I believe has the experience, common sense, moral character, and clarity of vision necessary to pull this great nation out of the quicksand. I truly believe that the perilous times we find ourselves in call for a leader and a visionary the likes of Mr. Cain. We need someone who will embrace the free market principles that  made this the greatest country on earth; someone who believes in American exceptionalism and will not settle for making us less that what we are.  We need someone who can carry Ronald Reagan’s dream of  “a shining city on a hill” to its final realization without apologizing or looking back.  When I look at Romney, Perry, Paul, Bachmann, and Gingrich all I see is politics as usual…and these are not usual times.

Now I grant you that Herman Cain has little experience in the political world. In fact he has never even held a major political office. This lack of political experience is an incontrovertible fact.  I would remind you however…as Herman himself noted…that it has been the “seasoned” politicians that have driven us into the wall at full speed?  Yes my friends, we need a change…real change….and his name is Herman Cain.

Please check into Head Muscle regularly for much more insight on the Cain campaign, and don’t forget to go to the Cain for President website yourself and read about the man firsthand.  I would also like to urge all of my fellow bloggers to become active in the Cain campaign. You can check out our Twitter feed @blogforCain for up to the moment updates,  and please consider linking Head Muscle to your sites. I would also like to add as many links as I can to the sites of fellow Cain supporters, so please leave me your URL in a comment. Our goal is to start a grass roots network of blogs all working together to help our nation realize Herman Cain’s vision.

If you think Romney and Perry have things all locked up, let me remind you that folks were saying the very same thing about Hillary back in 2007. If Obama could do it…so Cain we!

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance

Head Muscle Head Lines

Obama Uses Stimulus Funds to Stop Oil Leak

HM Press –This afternoon, a spokesperson for the Obama administration announced that the President will use $500 billion in stimulus dollars to plug the gulf oil leak.   According to the spokesperson, British Petroleum will begin pumping the currency into the hole later this week.   He noted that small denominations will used to maximize the volume.  When queried about the logic of such a move, the spokesperson quipped, “well, after seeing how much good pumping these dollars into the economy did, President Obama feels like this is the next best alternative.”

EPA Announces New “Hybrids for Hobos” Program

HM Press – EPA Administrator, Lisa P. Jackson, unveiled a new plan this week to provide government funded Hybrids to vagrants and panhandlers. “This landmark plan will not only stimulate the automobile industry, it will also help our homeless become more environmentally conscious,” Ms. Jackson noted. “Everyone knows that we will never solve the homeless problem in this country until we first get carbon emissions under control…so this initiative just makes good common sense.” Critics of the plan note that, unless the program also covers undocumented immigrants, it will only solve part of the problem.

Vice President Biden Unloads on Second Grader

HM Press – In yet another public slip of the tongue, VP Joe Biden accused a second grader of being a “ little smart a**” during an elementary school visit and photo opportunity today.  Apparently the young boy raised his hand and asked the VP why the government had not yet found his daddy a new job.  According to witnesses, Biden’s demeanor changed instantly, and he turned and asked the child’s teacher, “who the little smart a**was.”  Before the teacher could respond however, he turned back to the assembled group of second graders and announced that he would not take anymore questions from a bunch of junior smart a**es, and then headed for the door.  As he stomped out of the classroom, witnesses noted that they heard him mumbling something about frozen custard. <<DEVELOPING>>

Janet Napolitano Announces Border Ballot Initiative

HM Press- Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano announced last week that ballot boxes would be installed on the Mexican side of the border fence in preparation for the 2010 election.  “Now undocumented immigrants will be able to vote without the inconvenience of sneaking into the country first,” she told a room of correspondents.  Under the plan, ballots will be inserted into the boxes on the south side of the border and retrieved through an access door on the north side.  She also noted that, in areas where there was no wall, National Guard troops would be used to hold the boxes on election day.

Obama Caught Referring to Biden as “Fredo”

HM Press – After his speech on immigration, Obama was caught by a hot mike asking one of his staffers where Fredo was.  After being cornered by our HM reporter on the scene, a staffer conceded that the term ‘Fredo’ was used to refer to the Vice President.   He emphasized however, that the President meant nothing derogatory by the label and had the utmost of respect for the VP.   Biden released a statement later in the day in response to the President’s slip which stated simply:

“I’m smart. I’m not like they say I am!  I can do things….”

No apologies have been released from the White House as of yet, but rumor has it that Rahm Emanuel is scheduled to take the Vice President fishing later today.

One Person Still Reportedly Supports Obama’s Economic Plan

HM Exclusive – After an exhaustive global search, Head Muscle Press has been able to locate one person that still supports President Obama’s economic recovery plan.  “I am very happy with his direction,” Obama’s final hold-out supporter noted to HM reporters.  “He has achieved in 18 months, things what many could only dream of,” he continued.  “I think we can all learn something from his approach.”  Unfortunately, before HM reporters could press him any further Fidel was ushered out of the room by his secret police force to attend a political execution.  <<DEVELOPING>>

Cuba Reelected as UN Human Rights Council Chairman

HM Press – In a stunning announcement last week, the UN General Secretary announced that Cuba would head the UN Human Rights Council (UNHRC) for the next three years.  Cuba’s representative graciously accepted the new role and promised members of the general assembly that, as the chair, Cuba would hold the council and its members to the highest standards. Shortly after accepting the nomination, the Cuban representative  had all other UNHRC members arrested and  executed.

ACLU Demands Affirmative Action for No-Fly List

HM Press – The ACLU is now threatening to sue federal authorities responsible for developing the terrorist no-fly list on the grounds that the list is racially and culturally biased.  According to the ACLU the list contains far too many names of muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40.  “There is still time avoid immediate civil litigation however,” an ACLU spokesperson noted.  “The Department of Homeland Security must immediately modify the list to include names such as Bubba, Joe, Melvin, and Latoya.  Only then will Americans be able fly our nation’s airways free from terrifying grip of political incorrectness.”  <<Developing>>

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance

How Green is Your Job?

Over the past year, we have heard a lot from the current administration on the development of “green jobs.”  In a recent article on the Planet Green website, Brian Merchant points out that President Obama has set aside approximately 2.3 billion dollars for the development of these jobs.  Despite this sizable investment however, there is still quite a bit of discussion taking place on what a “green job” actually is.  Even Newsweek Magazine, appears to be confused about the definition when they write:

“In large part, the very idea behind a green job ensures there will never be a full definition, but the Bureau of Labor Statistics agreed in April to start measuring data on them. (Critics, in response, quickly suspected that the BLS, an agency supposed to measure objective data, could soon help carry water for an administration eager to show the stimulus is working.) Several environmental advocates polled by NEWSWEEK defined green jobs the way Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart famously defined obscenity: I’ll know it when I see it.”

The popular definition promoted by the current administration has always been jobs in the renewable energy and energy efficiency industries. This would include solar cell and wind turbine manufacturers as well as a number of energy efficiency companies such as window and insulation manufacturers.   This conventional definition however, seems to leave out many “other” green jobs,  such as the nuclear power and clean coal industries.  By all accounts it seems that, despite the billions Obama is investing in them,  there is still no widely accepted definition for green jobs.  In fact, Head Muscle contends that a job’s greenness is not a binary attribute, and that there are already many jobs out there operating at varying shades of green.  All considered, to one extent or another, many of us may already be unsung green heroes!

For example, let’s accept for the sake of argument that  a solar cell manufacturer is green by Obama’s definition, and that the renewable energy company that uses the cells is green as well.  What then about the trucking company that transports the new solar cells across the country from the manufacturer to the customer?  Certainly the diesel truck pollutes, but without it the cells would never be distributed and utilized.  So, one could logically say that the trucking company, though polluting, is somewhat green in nature…maybe something in the “olive” category.

Through this example, it is easy to see that the definition of a green job has become somewhat restricted and that a more holistic, progressive-minded, assessment is in order. So, in an effort to help frame this new industry a bit more analytically, Head Muscle has come up with an Obama-friendly questionnaire designed to help readers determine whether or not their job is green:

Instructions for Questionnaire:

1. Read each question thoroughly and answer True or False to the best of your ability.

2. For every question that you answer as “True” add or deduct the number of points specified at the end of the question.

3. Your starting score will be -100 due to the fact that breathing introduces CO2 into the workplace.

4. Have fun!

Green Job Questionnaire (Starting Score -100)

1. I work for “big oil.”  (-1000)

2. I work at a conventional power plant. (-500)

3. I work at a gas station or any facility which distributes petroleum products. (-300)

4. Sandwiches from the vending machine at work give me gas. (-100)

5. I am a polluter but belong to a union. (+200)

6. My company donated to Obama’s presidential campaign. (+300)

7. One or more of the following are true about my place of work:

a. They built their office building out of old car tires, glass bottles, and dried cow poop. (+300)

b. They buy their windows from Serious Materials. (+300)

c. Al Gore is on the board of  directors. (+500)

d. They make a nice profit. (-500)

8.  My company transports its products to other locations for resale. (-500)

9. My company produces nothing tangible [ie. Government Agency] so no transportation is required. (+500)

10. My company subcontracts to other “polluting” countries in order to lower costs to consumers. (-500)

11. My company makes overpriced “eco-friendly” consumer products which do not work. (+500)

12. My company builds buildings and highways that support our nation’s infrastructure. (-500)

13. My company operates a land trust designed to prevent progress. (+500)

14. My company uses GM Hybrid vehicles to reduce pollutants (+500)

15.  My company uses Ford Hybrid vehicles to reduce pollutants (-500)

16. My company’s CEO drives an SUV (-300)

17. My company is a Nuclear Power Plant (-1000)

18. My company takes subsidies to grow corn for ethanol and other useless unsustainable bio-fuels (+500)

19. My company built Yucca Mountain (-1000)

20. My company is Fannie Mae and/or Freddie Mac (+500)

Scoring:

1. If you scored 1000 or higher your job is emerald green and you are serving both the godess Gaia and Al Gore well. Congratulations!

2. If you scored between 0 and 1000, your job is “greenish” but you need to take the next step and sell your Ford Hybrid for a better quality GM.

3. If you scored between -1000 and 0, your job is still part of the problem and you need to consider either taking a government position, or unionizing.

4. If you scored below -1000 you are  a greedy, earth-killing, profit-oriented, conservative Neanderthal .  Your job is as brown as it gets, and you should really consider having a fatal accident with your lawnmower.  Your only hope is that, on the day of great judgement, Al Gore will have mercy on your wretched soul.

Even though we have gone to great effort to ensure that the above questionnaire incorporates current progressive values to the fullest extent possible, we admit that green jobs are still somewhat subjective.  It is our hope that, by using the above questionnaire, readers will better understand where they are on the spectrum of green jobs, and use it as a guidepost for ensuring that they are living their lives in accordance with the current administration’s vision for our country.  It is our hope that, over time, most people will move from olives to teals and into deep forest green jobs.  If not for yourselves, do it for Al and Gaia.

ZQKCWWNFPU5T

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance