Wisconsin Couple Still Not Sexually Harassed

Head Muscle Press (3 November, 2011) – Head Muscle has learned that Mr. Harold Nodderman from Bayfield Wisconsin and his wife Elma are offended that they have yet to be sexually harassed by a politician. “It really is disappointing,” Nodderman told Head Muscle in an exclusive interview. “With all the harassment going on these days, it is not fair that we are being left out…it’s discrimination at its very worst.”  According to Mr. Nodderman neither he nor his wife have received a single inappropriate sexual remark from either party, and they are starting to lose their patience. “Ever since Politico broke the big story on Herman Cain, we have been anxiously awaiting some type of offensive remark from someone…anyone,” Nodderman explained. “Elma has been sitting by the phone for the last three days and is really frustrated. I am not sure how much longer she can wait.”  A complete transcript of our interview with Mr. Nodderman follows:

HM: So, Mr. Nodderman I am curious, why are you “disappointed” that no one has sexually harassed you?

Nodd: Well first of all I am a taxpayer, and if my political leaders are going to spend my money being sexually inappropriate, by God I want my share!

HM: (Pausing) I see…so you are feeling cheated?

Nodd: (Angrily) You’re darn tootin’ we do! We work until May of every year to just pay our taxes and Mr. Obama is asking us to pay even more.  It seems like the least that they could do is give us a naughty call!

HM: (Curiously) So you want your money’s worth…of harassment.

Nodd: Look, I would rather have more jobs, a better economy, real tax reform,  a home that is worth something, and gasoline below four dollars a gallon but none of that seems to be in the works…so we will take a little inappropriate sexy talk.

HM: (Bewildered)  Okay, but wouldn’t that be demeaning and insulting?

Nodd: (Rolling eyes) Ya think?  You know it is called sexual “harassment…”

HM: (Confused) But why would you want to be sexually harassed?

Nodd: (Exasperated) Have you not watched the news even once since Bill Clinton was elected? There is big money in being harassed! Book deals…the works!  I figure I can even get Elma on The View if it is bad enough. She would love that…

HM: The View?

Nodd: (Leaning forward and whispering) I would take something simple like a heavy breathing call from Biden or Weiner in a pinch, but we would really prefer something from the GOP.

HM:  Why the GOP?

Nodd: Well they just seem…kinda…you know…safer.

HM: (Lost) Sorry, but I don’t understand.

Nodd: Well you know…when they’re inappropriate, they don’t really mean it.  Most of the time they are just trying to be nice to someone with an agenda, and before they know it the press is off and running. Elma thinks Mitt is cute too. I mean how freaky could he be…really.  But the Dems…oh man….they’re kind of scary.

HM: What do you mean by “scary?”

Nodd: (Sighing heavily) C’mon….Barney Frank!  Really?

HM: (Nodding) Okay, I think I am following.

Nodd: I mean he just might show up at the door one evening with a jug of body oil or something…(shivers) spooky. You just can’t tell with them…

HM: I see.

Nodd: (Shrugging indifferently) Well…it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I have a back-up plan.

HM: (Curiously) Oh really? What might that be?

Nodd: Well I figure that I will just have Elna call Politico and tell them that Herman harassed her too. That should at least get her on Anderson Cooper.

HM: (Appauled) But it would be a lie!

Nodd: Of course it would be, but based on the latest allegations against Herman Cain, proof does not seem to be a requirement for the press…hey you think we would get to meet Arianna Huffington? She’s smokin’ hot….mmmmm….mmmmm!

HM: Well that seems a bit inappropriate to say…

Nodd: (Laughing) Yeah well, someone needs to teach you the difference between harassment and sarcasm…

With that, the phone rang and our Head Muscle correspondent was forced to conclude the interview prematurely.  We had many more questions for Mr. Nodderman but apparently John Edwards had called to moan and pant.

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Obama Stuck In Press Conference

BREAKING NEWS – Head Muscle Press (26 March, 2010) Head Muscle has just learned that, even though the cameras have been turned off for almost 23 hours, President Obama is still at the podium in the White House Press Gallery speaking. Though the details are still sketchy, sources have told HM news that the President has been speaking continually since his press conference announcing the New START Treaty yesterday morning.  Rumor is that a teleprompter malfunction initially resulted in Obama’s comments being replayed over and over at an increasingly rapid rate.  As his speech regenerated and picked up speed President Obama continued reading apparently oblivious to the problem. “At one point the teleprompter was spinning so fast,” our source confided, ” the Commander in Chief sounded like an angry squirrel.” Attempts to turn off the power to the teleprompter backfired when one of the President’s staffers accidentally pulled the plug to Helen Thomas’ oxygen machine.  The power surge that resulted sent the teleprompter spinning out of control even faster. “It was really scary,” our source shuddered. “Helen’s face puffed up really large and turned dark blue.  She looked like a demonically possessed California Raisin.”

Folks at the scene noted that, after Obama’s 9th or 10th pass through the speech, most of the press corps caught on to what was happening and headed out for lattes. Correspondents from MSNBC stayed behind however, feverishly taking page after page of notes.   “I have never seen people write so fast,” our source mused.  “They were going through one mechanical pencil after another, dropping them all over the floor each time they stood to applaud Obama’s comments.  After a while, it looked like some crazy aerobics class full of over-dressed morons. It was really getting dangerous.”  In an effort to put an end to the crisis, Rahm Emanuel placed a call to the White House electricians to shut power down to the entire building, but unfortunately their new union contract had given them Thursday through Sunday off.

In an effort to get more detail on this unfolding story, HM was able to set up an on the scene interview with our source as he worked to resolve the situation.  Transcript follows:

HM: So, is the President still stuck in the teleprompter loop?

Source: I am afraid so.  It is really a difficult situation.’

HM: Why not just cut the power cord leading to the prompters?

Source: We thought about doing that, but the President’s physician believes that such an abrupt shut down could damage the President’s autonomic nervous system.

HM: How do they know this?

Source: Well, it wasn’t really publicized, but a few years ago we had a similar problem with another person.  He needed the teleprompter even more than Obama, and when we turned it off, it pretty much turned him into a vegetable.

HM: Wow, that is horrible! How is he now?

Source: He’s the Vice President…

HM: Oh, I see… so what is the plan for getting Obama unstuck?

Source: Well, the plan is to slowly bring him down before we break the connection.

HM: How will you do that?

Source: First, we network in a new computer with the speech on it, and then we switch the prompter signal over.  Once we have done that, we will gradually begin slowing the speed of the speech down until we get it to normal.

HM: And then?

Source: Well then we simply start eliminating paragraphs and sentences until we have him down to repeating just a few words over and over.  Something like, “me like Russia….me like Russia…me Russia…” Then we will slowly take him down to nothing but the letter “r.”  Once we have him comfortably r-ing for 10 or 15 minutes, we will stop the prompter and hopefully save most his higher mental functions.

HM: That sounds like a daring plan, what happens if it doesn’t work?

Source: Oh, we have a contingency plan for that as well.  If we cannot break him away from the prompter safely, our plan is just to keep him there.

HM: Excuse me?

Source: Well, it is really pretty ingenious.  You see, Obama has already held more interviews and press conferences in his first year than the last two administrations combined. Hell, you can hardly turn on your television without seeing him talking about…something.  So our plan is to just change his clothes,  feed him new speeches, and keep him going. When we need him, we will just turn the cameras on!  No one will be able to tell that it isn’t business a usual….it ingenious!

HM: What about Michelle and the kids?

Source: Oh they will be able to come in and see him on weekends. We will put some fatherly statements on the prompter like, “Hey girls let’s get a burger,” and “How’s the garden honey?”  We will do our best to make him lifelike.

HM: I see. Well it certainly is a daring plan.

Source: Yep, our only real concern is ensuring the Republicans do not hack into the system.

HM: Is that a threat?

Source: Well last week when health care passed, Biden was just supposed to hug Obama and say, “This is a big deal.”   We even put it on the prompter to ensure he did not mess it up.  After the speech, we looked at the computer and someone had spliced the F-bomb in!

HM: Wow, that is pretty devious. Who do you think did it?

Source: Well we are not sure, but we have heard rumors that Sarah Palin has build a huge satellite-based super computer network and is trying to control Obama’s teleprompters from space. We are thinking that she has been working out the kinks on Biden since the election.  I mean, it could be a real problem!

HM: What would she do?

Source: We could loose control of the President! What if she made him say something nice about insurance companies?  Maybe she would have him admit that the free market is the most powerful economic force on earth!  What if she just had him make animal noises?  It could be a real disaster!  We cannot let it happen.

HM: What about Helen Thomas – is she OK?

Source: Oh Helen? She’s fine, the Bush staffers used to pull her O2 all the time just for fun.  She’s a trooper... Well I have to get back into the press room, it is time for the President’s chap stick.  If I don’t apply it every fifteen minutes his mouth starts smoking.

At that moment our source put on a pair of asbestos gloves and headed back into the room accompanied by two firemen.   Though we are just getting a feel for the gravity of this situation, it is clearly touch-and-go for the President.  Regardless of the outcome however, it appears certain that Obama will be on television sometime today. <<Developing>>

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Four Doctors Support Health Care Bill

BREAKING NEWS  – Head Muscle Press (March 4, 2002) In a tightly choreographed media event yesterday, President Barack Obama announced to an eager crowd of supporters that his administration had located four doctors that agreed with his new health care bill.  Speaking with renewed determination, President Obama impugned the hastily assembled crowd to get the bill passed now.  “This is really an exciting moment for us,” one supporter confided.  “We have really been hoping that the medical community would step up to support this bill, and it looks like it has finally happened…I mean…well…at least four of them have.  We have also heard rumors that there is a pharmacist in Rapid City who likes the bill too, but no one has confirmed it yet.” In an attempt to dig a bit deeper,  HM Press caught up with one of Obama’s staffers after the media event. On condition of anonymity,  she agreed to speak with us.  Transcript follows:

HM: This seems to be a big event for the President.

Staffer: Absolutely! He is thrilled.

HM: So, these four doctors actually agree with Obama’s new plan?

Staffer: Yes, they think that this bill is the only way to save our health care system.

HM: But there are only four of them…

Staffer: Only four?  I would say that this is a pretty impressive showing.

HM: but..

Staffer: (breaking in) Let me finish.  We may only have four now, but we think that there are a lot more out there.  Maybe double that number!

HM: So you are saying that there may actually be eight doctors out there that agree with the new bill?

Staffer: Well we cannot say for sure, but some of our analysts think it is possible.  Look, the fact is, there is a silent super minority of doctors out there who are clearly leaning our way –  and we want to find them.

HM: What exactly is a silent super minority?

Staffer: Well we are not sure about that either, but we think it is an important demographic.

HM: How so?

Staffer: Think about it. We are changing one sixth of the US economy to support about seven percent of the population.  Given those numbers, finding four doctors that support this bill is huge!

HM: But polls still show that the vast majority of doctors are against the bill.

Staffer: Not anymore.  In our latest poll, one hundred percent of the doctors surveyed supported it.

HM: Wow, that is impressive who conducted the poll?

Staffer: We did of course!

HM: Oh really, what sample size did you use?

Staffer: That’s beside the point.

HM: No, I think it is important; how big was your sample?

Staffer: Well, quite a few…um…maybe about four I think.

HM: (shocked) So what you are saying is that you only polled the four doctors on stage.

Staffer: Well yes, but it was unanimous….pretty much.

HM: Pretty much?

Staffer: OK, initially one of the doctors was undecided, but Obama was able to change his mind.

HM: How? Did he offer the doctor some type of political position or favor in return for his support?

Staffer: Oh no, Obama will never make that mistake again.

HM: How did he do it then?

Staffer: Cash…I think.

HM: (changing subject)You must forgive my skepticism, but it just seems to me that having four doctors on board is nothing to get excited about.

Staffer: Well, I will admit the stage looked a bit sparse with just four doctors behind the President, but this is only the beginning. Let’s say that our analysis is correct and we can find another four out there somewhere. The ramifications would be huge!

HM: I am sorry, I don’t understand.

Staffer: (rolling eyes) Well a television screen is only so wide.

HM: (confused) Excuse me?

Staffer: (irritated)  OK, work with me here… just imagine if we had eight doctors on stage all bunched up real tight with Obama.   We could almost make the average American believe that our nation’s medical professionals were behind this bill, not just our liberal friends at the DFA and AMA.

HM: So, what you are really saying is that you want to dupe gullible Americans into thinking this bill is a good idea?

Staffer: Well, I would not use the term “dupe” …

HM: What term would you use?

Staffer: I dunno, “creatively manipulate” maybe?  I mean it really is for their own good.  Most Americans are incapable of understanding this bill anyway, and just need to let us pass it.  After all, we know what is good for them; we’re the government!

HM: I see.

Staffer: Well I am very sorry to cut this short, but I need to get back to work.  I only have an hour to get the white coats back to the costume shop…see ya!

At that point, our interview ended as our staffer dashed from the press room.  We are not sure where this all will lead, but one thing is clear.  We have witnessed political theater at its finest and, if successful, we will likely see many such stunts in the future.  Rumors are already circulating that Obama staffers have rented a half dozen polar bear suits for an upcoming climate change conference. <<DEVELOPING>>

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