<<BREAKING NEWS>>Head Muscle Press 22 April 2011: Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump announced to the press this week that, after extensive investigation, he had located President Barack Obama’s ‘real’ birth certificate. “Over the past few months I have grown more and more suspicious of the President,” Trump announced to a curious crowd of hastily assembled journalists. “I really wanted to believe that he was an American citizen by birth, but things just were not adding up,” he explained. “I have gathered you all here today to announce that my worst fears have been confirmed. After months of intensive investigation my team has finally located Mr. Obama’s actual birth certificate, and I am sorry announce that he is not who he appears to be.” Trump went on to explain that the President’s name was really Miuko Hashinadma, and that he was actually a 32 year-old Japanese dental technician from Okinawa.
“This is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American People,” Trump declared to the stunned crowd. “Given this revelation I believe that our Commander-in-Chief can no longer be trusted, and that we should elect me President effective immediately.”
When pressed by reporters in the room to produce evidence of his allegations, Trump staffers handed out copies of a Japanese birth certificate for a 32 year old woman named Miuko Hashinadma. The document appeared to be from an Okinawan hospital, and clearly showed that Ms. Hashinadma had been born on August 4 1961 – the same day as President Obama.
In an attempt to dig deeper into the facts, Head Muscle Press arranged an interview with Celebrity Apprentice contestant Gary Busey. Transcript follows:
HM: Mr. Busey, thank you for your time this afternoon. Can you give us any insight into Mr. Trump’s latest allegations?
Busey: (Looking up) Is there a monkey sitting on my head?
HM: (Bewildered) Well…um….I don’t think that there is….bu…
Busey: (Interrupting) Because I really think that there’s a monkey sitting on my head…
HM: (Pausing awkwardly to look) Um, no Mr. Busey there does not to seem to be a monkey up there…now
Busey: (Interrupting again) You know you can’t see them right?
HM: (Confused) You cannot see…what?
Busey: (Grinning) The monkeys dumb ass! If you could see them they wouldn’t be there… now would they?
HM: (Trying hard to follow) So you can’t see them…
Busey: (Pointing) There’s one on your head right now!
HM: (Shocked) You mean to say that you can see a monkey on my head?
Busey: (Rolling eyes) No! God dang you’re a card carrying dumb ass! If I could see it…
HM: (Interrupting) It wouldn’t be there?
Busey: (Nodding violently) Bingo Bozo! God…can you even work your own zipper without a diagram?
HM: (Trying desperately to retake control) So…can you tell me anything about this new allegation your boss has made regarding President Obama?
Busey: (Nodding and smiling) My monkey talks to me sometimes.
HM: (Losing patience) Mr. Busey! Could we forget about the monkeys for a moment and talk about your boss’s allegation that our President is actually a Japanese woman?
Busey: (Looking shocked) Dammit to hell! I knew something was wrong with that man from day one!
HM: The President?
Busey: (Sighing and grabbing his head) No mister short bus…..Trump! Good God how do you manage to swallow your own saliva?
HM: (Ignoring the insult) So you think that Trump is the crazy one?
Busey: (Wide-eyed) Ya think!!?? Any idiot with two eyes can see that President Obama is Chinese!
HM: (Trying to follow) How exactly can you tell he’s Chinese?
Busey: (Pulling at his hair in frustration) Well for one thing, he’s black!
HM: (Giving up) Oh…well…now that must be why. It’s a dead give away.
Busey: (Looking serious) Hey, are you making fun of our President?
HM: (Getting defensive) No, I was just being sarcastic….
Busey: (Pointing finger) Racist!
HM: (Exasperated) Wha…You just said that he was black when I asked you why….
Busey: (Indignant) No I didn’t.
HM: (Now yelling) You did!!
Busey: (Sternly) Nope. I would never say anything that crazy…Hey! Maybe it was my monkey!
With that Busey crawled under an end table and started trying to make a phone call with one of his shoes.
The next day we were contacted by one of Tump’s spokespersons who, on condition of anonymity, wanted to set the record straight. The transcript from our next interview follows:
HM: Thanks for talking to us about this. Why on earth does Trump think that Obama is a Japanese woman?
SP: Well for one, he found his…I mean her….birth certificate.
HM: (Pressing) Well, what makes Trump think that Obama is actually this Miuko Hashinadma woman?
SP: Well for one, if you had not noticed, they were both born on the same day…duh!
HM: (Skepticle) Well I’m sure a lot of people were born on that day…all over the world!
SP: (Nodding) Yeah, but Trump is absolutely sure that Obama is Miuko Hashinadma.
HM: (Curious) What makes him so sure?
SP: Well for one, he is very rich and smart…just ask him!
HM: (Bemused) Well that is hardly a convincing argument.
SP: (Jabbing finger) You better watch your tone mister reporter man or Donald may just fire you too.
HM: (Finally losing temper) What the hell are you talking about!? I don’t work for Trump!
SP: (Smiling and standing up) Oh, we all work for Trump my friend…we all work for Trump! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pick my monkey up from the dry cleaners.
With that the spokesperson departed bringing a second interview to an abrupt end.
Just as we were getting ready to give up on the whole story, HM Press received a telephone call from Miuko Hashinadma herself. Though she would not take any questions, she confirmed to us that she was in fact not President Obama, and that she had never in her life been a black man…much less President of the United States. She also noted it was clear that Obama was Chinese and that any search for his actual birth certificate should start Beijing. <<DEVELOPING>>
UPDATE: In a bizarre turn of events, the entire staff at HM Press just received their pink slips. Oddly enough, we did work for Trump after all.