Trump Claims Obama is a Japanese Woman

 <<BREAKING NEWS>>Head Muscle Press 22 April 2011: Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump announced to the press this week that, after extensive investigation, he had located President Barack Obama’s ‘real’ birth certificate.  “Over the past few months I have grown more and more suspicious of the President,” Trump announced to a curious crowd of hastily assembled journalists. “I really wanted to believe that he was an American citizen by birth, but things just were not adding up,” he explained.  “I have gathered you all here today to announce that my worst fears have been confirmed. After months of intensive investigation my team has finally located Mr. Obama’s actual birth certificate, and I am sorry announce that he is not who he appears to be.”  Trump went on to explain that the President’s name was really Miuko Hashinadma, and that he was actually a 32 year-old Japanese dental technician from Okinawa.

“This is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American People,” Trump declared to the stunned crowd. “Given this revelation I believe that our Commander-in-Chief can no longer be trusted, and that we should elect me President effective immediately.”

When pressed by reporters in the room to produce evidence of his allegations, Trump staffers handed out copies of a Japanese birth certificate for a 32 year old woman named Miuko Hashinadma.  The document appeared to be from an Okinawan hospital, and clearly showed that Ms. Hashinadma had been born on August 4 1961 –  the same day as President Obama.

In an attempt to dig deeper into the facts, Head Muscle Press arranged an interview with Celebrity Apprentice contestant Gary Busey.  Transcript follows:

HM: Mr. Busey, thank you for your time this afternoon. Can you give us any insight into Mr. Trump’s latest allegations?

Busey: (Looking up)  Is there a monkey sitting on my head?

HM: (Bewildered) Well…um….I don’t think that there is….bu…

Busey: (Interrupting) Because I really think that there’s a monkey sitting on my head…

HM: (Pausing awkwardly to look) Um, no Mr. Busey there does not to seem to be a monkey up there…now

Busey: (Interrupting again) You know you can’t see them right?

HM: (Confused) You cannot see…what?

Busey: (Grinning) The monkeys dumb ass! If you could see them they wouldn’t be there… now would they?

HM: (Trying hard to follow) So you can’t see them…

Busey: (Pointing) There’s one on your head right now!

HM: (Shocked) You mean to say that you can see a monkey on my head?

Busey: (Rolling eyes) No! God dang you’re a card carrying dumb ass!  If I could see it…

HM: (Interrupting) It wouldn’t be there?

Busey: (Nodding violently) Bingo Bozo!  God…can you even work your own zipper without a diagram?

HM: (Trying desperately to retake control) So…can you tell me anything about this new allegation your boss has made regarding President Obama?

Busey: (Nodding and smiling) My monkey talks to me sometimes.

HM: (Losing patience) Mr. Busey! Could we forget about the monkeys for a moment and talk about your boss’s allegation that our President is actually a Japanese woman?

Busey: (Looking shocked) Dammit to hell! I knew something was wrong with that man from day one!

HM:  The President?

Busey: (Sighing and grabbing his head) No mister short bus…..Trump!  Good God how do you manage to swallow your own saliva?

HM: (Ignoring the insult) So you think that Trump is the crazy one?

Busey: (Wide-eyed) Ya think!!??  Any idiot with two eyes can see that President Obama is Chinese!

HM: (Trying to follow) How exactly can you tell he’s Chinese?

Busey: (Pulling at his hair in frustration) Well for one thing, he’s black!

HM: (Giving up) Oh…well…now that must be why. It’s a dead give away.

Busey: (Looking serious) Hey, are you making fun of our President?

HM: (Getting defensive) No, I was just being sarcastic….

Busey: (Pointing finger) Racist!

HM: (Exasperated) Wha…You just said that he was black when I asked you why….

Busey: (Indignant) No I didn’t.

HM: (Now yelling) You did!!

Busey: (Sternly) Nope. I would never say anything that crazy…Hey! Maybe it was my monkey!

With that Busey crawled under an end table and started trying to make a phone call with one of his shoes.

The next day we were contacted by one of Tump’s spokespersons who, on condition of anonymity, wanted to set the record straight. The transcript from our next interview follows:

HM: Thanks for talking to us about this. Why on earth does Trump think that Obama is a Japanese woman?

SP: Well for one, he found his…I mean her….birth certificate.

HM: (Pressing) Well, what makes Trump think that Obama is actually this Miuko Hashinadma woman?

SP: Well for one, if you had not noticed, they were both born on the same day…duh!

HM: (Skepticle) Well I’m sure a lot of people were born on that day…all over the world!

SP: (Nodding) Yeah, but Trump is absolutely sure that Obama is Miuko Hashinadma.

HM: (Curious) What makes him so sure?

SP: Well for one, he is very rich and smart…just ask him!

HM: (Bemused) Well that is hardly a convincing argument.

SP: (Jabbing finger) You better watch your tone mister reporter man or Donald may just fire you too.

HM: (Finally losing temper) What the hell are you talking about!?  I don’t work for Trump!

SP: (Smiling and standing up) Oh, we all work for Trump my friend…we all work for Trump!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pick my monkey up from the dry cleaners.

With that the spokesperson departed bringing a second interview to an abrupt end.

Just as we were getting ready to give up on the whole story, HM Press received a telephone call from Miuko Hashinadma herself. Though she would not take any questions, she confirmed to us that she was in fact not President Obama, and that she had never in her life been a black man…much less President of the United States.  She also noted it was clear that Obama was Chinese and that any search for his actual birth certificate should start  Beijing.   <<DEVELOPING>>

UPDATE:  In a bizarre turn of events, the entire staff at HM Press just received their pink slips.  Oddly enough, we did work for Trump after all.

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A Contract on Terror

On January 5, 2010 HM penned a blog entitled High Noon for Obama.  Posted shortly after the underwear bombing fiasco, we noted that the time had come for Sheriff Obama to put politics aside, take the blanks out of his six shooter, step into the dusty street, and show all Americans that he really cared about their security.  We also noted, that if he failed, there would likely be a new sheriff come 2012. Well, it appears as if President Obama has chosen not to heed HM’s sage advice because…well…he doesn’t have any idea that we even exist….but that is still no excuse for his inaction on the home front.  Having learned nothing from the great underwear debacle, he still prattles on about trials in New York City, continues to let Holder pontificate on Miranda Rights, insists on closing Guantanamo, focuses on prosecuting CIA agents, and does nothing to secure one of the most porous borders in the free world.   All told, it appears as if Sheriff Obama has loaded his six gun, stepped into the street, and emptied the cylinder into his foot.

The good news for Obama is that Lady Luck is not a quitter and, with the Times Square incident, she has given our shaky sheriff yet another opportunity to show us what he is made of.   We must not forget that, once again, this attack on the American People failed solely because the bomb did not detonate. Nothing any agency did (or did not do) stopped the plot from playing out.  So, it is more critical than ever for our sheriff to show all would-be terrorists that he is in the street waiting.  The reason for this urgency is quite simple.  Right now, the message that every aspiring bomber is taking away from the Times Square attack is:

“Terrorist be warned, you only have one chance to blow us up, so get your bomb right the first time!”

Instead of deciding that such attacks will be fruitless and rethinking their strategy, terrorists around the world are improving their detonators, rewriting their training courses, and making sure that their operatives know what type of fertilizer to buy. They know from watching the Underwear Bomber and the Times Square Bomber that if they get the bomb right – they are home free. And the sad fact is, the only person that can stick a cactus in the middle of their trail is our reluctant sheriff.  So, in our never ending effort to be proactive, HM has decided to help our derelict defender out one more time with a simple 10 point plan for protecting his town folk.

A Contract on Terror

1. Be intellectually honest with the American People and call Illegal Immigrants what they are – ILLEGAL. When our sheriff refuses to use this word, he sends a message to the bad guys that he really ‘condones’ their actions.  This encourages more illegals to cross over and fuels their sense of entitlement.  By not calling them what they are – Illegal Immigrants – Obama is weakening our laws and putting America and its institutions at risk.  This is not only immoral and opportunistic, it is unconstitutional.  Abraham Lincoln himself noted:

Let reverence for the laws, be breathed by every American mother, to the lisping babe, that prattles on her lap — let it be taught in schools, in seminaries, and in colleges; let it be written in Primers, spelling books, and in Almanacs; — let it be preached from the pulpit, proclaimed in legislative halls, and enforced in courts of justice. And, in short, let it become the political religion of the nation; and let the old and the young, the rich and the poor, the grave and the gay, of all sexes and tongues, and colors and conditions, sacrifice unceasingly upon its altars.
–January 27, 1838

We are a nation of laws, and if we start letting political expediency decide which ones we will enforce, we have destroyed our very foundation.

2. Immediately allocate  unspent ‘stimulus dollars’ to complete the border fence between the US and Mexico. Border Patrol and ICE officers regularly find Korans and prayer blankets in the desert.  To my recollection, the Catholic Church requires neither of these for Mass.  Islamic extremists are using the drug cartels and Mexican gangs to sneak across our border and infiltrate our cities.  This is a known fact in law enforcement, and has been for several years.  By not completing the fence our government is telling us that, when it comes to their constitutional duty to provide for our common defense, they simply do not care.  The sad fact is that one day another terrorist will be successful, and I would not want to be the sitting president when it is discovered that they had crossed the Mexican border to conduct their attack.

3. Take unreasonable restrictions off of the fine men and women of the US Border Patrol. Give them, the tools and rules that they need to properly defend our borders against thugs, drug runners, and sub-humans that shoot innocent American ranchers. We have put them into the field with both hands tied behind their backs. As it stands today, they are out manned and out gunned.

4. Cease all inbound flights from countries that do not meet minimum acceptable airport security standards. On a recent trip to Kuwait I went through three security check points, setting off the metal detectors at each one.  The ‘security’ guards at each gate just waved me through, barely looking up from their magazines. This type of ambivalence is a problem around the world, and nations that do not crack down should be barred from having direct air routes to US cities.

5. Institute the automatic death penalty for anyone convicted of terrorism against the United States of America. Make no exceptions for any reason…citizen or foreign national.  This will not dissuade those already brainwashed into martyrdom, but will send a powerful message to all the wannabe’s out there that, if they do not kill themselves, we will help them finish the job.

6. Send a clear message to our adversaries that, if they sponsor terror on American soil, we will consider it a declaration of war. Obama must also immediately retract his statements on the use of nuclear weapons, especially in response to biological attacks.  The fact that he made this statement in the first place is troubling.  A well placed nuke could kill a few hundred thousand folks, maybe more.  Nuclear devastation, however, would pale in the face of a well coordinated state sponsored biological attack. Such an attack could kill a third (100,000,000) of all Americans. To say that we would not use a nuke to retaliate against such an attack on our people is quite frankly…stupid.

7. Have industry develop a low cost system for scanning 100% of all air cargo transported on passenger airlines. Today, even with the terrorist threat, the vast majority of all air cargo transported on US passenger airlines goes unchecked.  There is no excuse for this gap in security.  Each day that we let our airlines leave the ground full of unchecked cargo, we are gambling with American lives. This is unacceptable and must be stopped.

8. Partner with industry to develop a process for screening 100% of all cargo entering US shipping ports. Though a small percentage of these containers are randomly screened, we largely rely on importers to tell us what they are shipping. The Government Accountability Office reported in December that only about 5% of all inbound shipping containers are scanned at major US ports of entry. Critics say that such a solution will be far too expensive. When I hear this argument I have to wonder what the price of a nuke going of in the Port of Los Angeles would be?  This must be fixed.

9. Appoint a new Director of Homeland Security. We need a hawk in this position, who places security over political correctness.  Ms. Napolitano continues to demonstrate that she is not that person. If you think I am being overly harsh here, let me remind you of three little words:

“The system worked…”

10. Lose the cowboy hat. It makes you look more like a member of the Village People than a sheriff, and it’s only scaring Broke Back Mountain fans.

There you have it Sheriff! Follow these very clear steps and you will establish yourself as the Wyatt Earp of anti-terrorism.  Heck fire,  just pick 5 of them and you will have done better, in many respects, than George Bush!  That should spin yer spurs!  Not only will history label you as the “Homeland Security President,” but you will also be able to hold your head high knowing you have met your constitutional obligations.  This is it Sheriff Obama; you have been handed a second chance!  Get out in that street and show ’em all that we have a real sheriff running this town. The bad guys are over in Pakistan right now improving their bomb designs, and even Lady Luck runs out of aces sooner or later.

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