Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990’s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

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Man Finds Nancy Pelosi’s Face on Bacon Strip

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Head Muscle Press 27 Jan 2011 – When Mr. Ellis Pollard of Mallard Wisconsin received his Sunrise Special at the Waffle Shop this past Saturday morning, he was startled to find that one of his bacon strips bore the uncanny likeness of Nancy Pelosi (see image below).

“I was absolutely shocked,” Pollard confessed to local reporters.  “There she was, just staring me and grinning.  It was truly miraculous.”  Mr. Ellis went on to explain that he carefully wrapped the slice of salt pork into a napkin and, after inspecting the rest of his meal for Democrats, finished his breakfast and hurried home. “It was really hard to concentrate on the road,” Pollard noted.  “I have always heard stories of people seeing the face of Jesus in rocks and reflections, but this was really something special.”

According to reports, Pollard spent the next few hours studying the image under a magnifying glass to ensure that what he was actually seeing was not a trick of the light. When convinced that the image of Pelosi was real, he took the strip of bacon to a local television station and reported his miraculous finding.  “At first the reporters were skeptical when I told them what I had found, but when I unwrapped the bacon and showed them they were awestruck,” Pollard recounted.

According to Mr. Pollard, over the next couple of days people gazing at the piece of Pelosi pork started to experience miracles.  One unemployed lady allegedly saw the image and, upon returning home,  discovered that her unemployment benefits had been extended a fourth time.  In another account, a committed Tea Partier looked at the image and immediately fell to the ground shouting anti-Palin slogans. The most noteworthy instance occurred when an older gentleman saw the image and started channeling Ted Kennedy. For over 30 minutes he extolled the virtues of the healthcare bill, drank Scotch Whiskey, and blamed the Republicans for setting him up at Chappaquiddick.

Though the DNC has withheld official comment, it is a well known fact around the DC area that this is not the first time images of Democrats have spontaneously appeared on pieces of fatty pork.  In 2006 Martin Emmitt of Shellsburg Idaho produced the now famous “Harry Ham” slice (below), which was purported to make anyone who looked at it pro-labor.

And then more recently during the 2008 presidential campaign, hundreds of mysterious Obama Chops appeared in diners across key swing states that eventually went blue.

“It is kind of like the whole UFO thing,” Cameron Dalton author of the self-published book Conspiracy of Pork’ confided to Head Muscle. “No one wants to admit that this is happening, but you just cannot deny the evidence when it is right there on your sausage patty.” Mr. Dalton is the founder of Conservative Republicans Against Pork Propaganda (CRAPP) and is trying to lift the veil on what he describes as a massive liberal plot to control voters through use of pork stimulation.  “The problem is pervasive,” Dalton warns. “No one really knows how much pork the Democrats actually control. Why there could be thousands of unsuspecting people swallowing this garbage as we speak!” Though CRAPP is small right now, it is gaining a foothold among independents and conservative vegetarians. According to Dalton, liberals plan to flood the American people with more and more pork over the next two years until everyone is hopelessly hooked. In an ominous warning, Dalton pointed out to Head Muscle that the Pelosi image will soon be followed by the most massive DNC pork project to date…Operation Barney Frank.

According to Dalton they have already appeared at the Fannie Mae cafeteria and will likely be passed out to homeowners through thousands of new sub-prime hot dog vendors.  Head Muscle will continue to follow this breaking story as it develops. In the meantime we strongly suggest that Americans everywhere stick to the beef.

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