Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990’s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

<<DEVELOPING>>

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Wisconsin Couple Still Not Sexually Harassed

Head Muscle Press (3 November, 2011) – Head Muscle has learned that Mr. Harold Nodderman from Bayfield Wisconsin and his wife Elma are offended that they have yet to be sexually harassed by a politician. “It really is disappointing,” Nodderman told Head Muscle in an exclusive interview. “With all the harassment going on these days, it is not fair that we are being left out…it’s discrimination at its very worst.”  According to Mr. Nodderman neither he nor his wife have received a single inappropriate sexual remark from either party, and they are starting to lose their patience. “Ever since Politico broke the big story on Herman Cain, we have been anxiously awaiting some type of offensive remark from someone…anyone,” Nodderman explained. “Elma has been sitting by the phone for the last three days and is really frustrated. I am not sure how much longer she can wait.”  A complete transcript of our interview with Mr. Nodderman follows:

HM: So, Mr. Nodderman I am curious, why are you “disappointed” that no one has sexually harassed you?

Nodd: Well first of all I am a taxpayer, and if my political leaders are going to spend my money being sexually inappropriate, by God I want my share!

HM: (Pausing) I see…so you are feeling cheated?

Nodd: (Angrily) You’re darn tootin’ we do! We work until May of every year to just pay our taxes and Mr. Obama is asking us to pay even more.  It seems like the least that they could do is give us a naughty call!

HM: (Curiously) So you want your money’s worth…of harassment.

Nodd: Look, I would rather have more jobs, a better economy, real tax reform,  a home that is worth something, and gasoline below four dollars a gallon but none of that seems to be in the works…so we will take a little inappropriate sexy talk.

HM: (Bewildered)  Okay, but wouldn’t that be demeaning and insulting?

Nodd: (Rolling eyes) Ya think?  You know it is called sexual “harassment…”

HM: (Confused) But why would you want to be sexually harassed?

Nodd: (Exasperated) Have you not watched the news even once since Bill Clinton was elected? There is big money in being harassed! Book deals…the works!  I figure I can even get Elma on The View if it is bad enough. She would love that…

HM: The View?

Nodd: (Leaning forward and whispering) I would take something simple like a heavy breathing call from Biden or Weiner in a pinch, but we would really prefer something from the GOP.

HM:  Why the GOP?

Nodd: Well they just seem…kinda…you know…safer.

HM: (Lost) Sorry, but I don’t understand.

Nodd: Well you know…when they’re inappropriate, they don’t really mean it.  Most of the time they are just trying to be nice to someone with an agenda, and before they know it the press is off and running. Elma thinks Mitt is cute too. I mean how freaky could he be…really.  But the Dems…oh man….they’re kind of scary.

HM: What do you mean by “scary?”

Nodd: (Sighing heavily) C’mon….Barney Frank!  Really?

HM: (Nodding) Okay, I think I am following.

Nodd: I mean he just might show up at the door one evening with a jug of body oil or something…(shivers) spooky. You just can’t tell with them…

HM: I see.

Nodd: (Shrugging indifferently) Well…it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I have a back-up plan.

HM: (Curiously) Oh really? What might that be?

Nodd: Well I figure that I will just have Elna call Politico and tell them that Herman harassed her too. That should at least get her on Anderson Cooper.

HM: (Appauled) But it would be a lie!

Nodd: Of course it would be, but based on the latest allegations against Herman Cain, proof does not seem to be a requirement for the press…hey you think we would get to meet Arianna Huffington? She’s smokin’ hot….mmmmm….mmmmm!

HM: Well that seems a bit inappropriate to say…

Nodd: (Laughing) Yeah well, someone needs to teach you the difference between harassment and sarcasm…

With that, the phone rang and our Head Muscle correspondent was forced to conclude the interview prematurely.  We had many more questions for Mr. Nodderman but apparently John Edwards had called to moan and pant.

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Trump Claims Obama is a Japanese Woman

 <<BREAKING NEWS>>Head Muscle Press 22 April 2011: Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump announced to the press this week that, after extensive investigation, he had located President Barack Obama’s ‘real’ birth certificate.  “Over the past few months I have grown more and more suspicious of the President,” Trump announced to a curious crowd of hastily assembled journalists. “I really wanted to believe that he was an American citizen by birth, but things just were not adding up,” he explained.  “I have gathered you all here today to announce that my worst fears have been confirmed. After months of intensive investigation my team has finally located Mr. Obama’s actual birth certificate, and I am sorry announce that he is not who he appears to be.”  Trump went on to explain that the President’s name was really Miuko Hashinadma, and that he was actually a 32 year-old Japanese dental technician from Okinawa.

“This is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American People,” Trump declared to the stunned crowd. “Given this revelation I believe that our Commander-in-Chief can no longer be trusted, and that we should elect me President effective immediately.”

When pressed by reporters in the room to produce evidence of his allegations, Trump staffers handed out copies of a Japanese birth certificate for a 32 year old woman named Miuko Hashinadma.  The document appeared to be from an Okinawan hospital, and clearly showed that Ms. Hashinadma had been born on August 4 1961 –  the same day as President Obama.

In an attempt to dig deeper into the facts, Head Muscle Press arranged an interview with Celebrity Apprentice contestant Gary Busey.  Transcript follows:

HM: Mr. Busey, thank you for your time this afternoon. Can you give us any insight into Mr. Trump’s latest allegations?

Busey: (Looking up)  Is there a monkey sitting on my head?

HM: (Bewildered) Well…um….I don’t think that there is….bu…

Busey: (Interrupting) Because I really think that there’s a monkey sitting on my head…

HM: (Pausing awkwardly to look) Um, no Mr. Busey there does not to seem to be a monkey up there…now

Busey: (Interrupting again) You know you can’t see them right?

HM: (Confused) You cannot see…what?

Busey: (Grinning) The monkeys dumb ass! If you could see them they wouldn’t be there… now would they?

HM: (Trying hard to follow) So you can’t see them…

Busey: (Pointing) There’s one on your head right now!

HM: (Shocked) You mean to say that you can see a monkey on my head?

Busey: (Rolling eyes) No! God dang you’re a card carrying dumb ass!  If I could see it…

HM: (Interrupting) It wouldn’t be there?

Busey: (Nodding violently) Bingo Bozo!  God…can you even work your own zipper without a diagram?

HM: (Trying desperately to retake control) So…can you tell me anything about this new allegation your boss has made regarding President Obama?

Busey: (Nodding and smiling) My monkey talks to me sometimes.

HM: (Losing patience) Mr. Busey! Could we forget about the monkeys for a moment and talk about your boss’s allegation that our President is actually a Japanese woman?

Busey: (Looking shocked) Dammit to hell! I knew something was wrong with that man from day one!

HM:  The President?

Busey: (Sighing and grabbing his head) No mister short bus…..Trump!  Good God how do you manage to swallow your own saliva?

HM: (Ignoring the insult) So you think that Trump is the crazy one?

Busey: (Wide-eyed) Ya think!!??  Any idiot with two eyes can see that President Obama is Chinese!

HM: (Trying to follow) How exactly can you tell he’s Chinese?

Busey: (Pulling at his hair in frustration) Well for one thing, he’s black!

HM: (Giving up) Oh…well…now that must be why. It’s a dead give away.

Busey: (Looking serious) Hey, are you making fun of our President?

HM: (Getting defensive) No, I was just being sarcastic….

Busey: (Pointing finger) Racist!

HM: (Exasperated) Wha…You just said that he was black when I asked you why….

Busey: (Indignant) No I didn’t.

HM: (Now yelling) You did!!

Busey: (Sternly) Nope. I would never say anything that crazy…Hey! Maybe it was my monkey!

With that Busey crawled under an end table and started trying to make a phone call with one of his shoes.

The next day we were contacted by one of Tump’s spokespersons who, on condition of anonymity, wanted to set the record straight. The transcript from our next interview follows:

HM: Thanks for talking to us about this. Why on earth does Trump think that Obama is a Japanese woman?

SP: Well for one, he found his…I mean her….birth certificate.

HM: (Pressing) Well, what makes Trump think that Obama is actually this Miuko Hashinadma woman?

SP: Well for one, if you had not noticed, they were both born on the same day…duh!

HM: (Skepticle) Well I’m sure a lot of people were born on that day…all over the world!

SP: (Nodding) Yeah, but Trump is absolutely sure that Obama is Miuko Hashinadma.

HM: (Curious) What makes him so sure?

SP: Well for one, he is very rich and smart…just ask him!

HM: (Bemused) Well that is hardly a convincing argument.

SP: (Jabbing finger) You better watch your tone mister reporter man or Donald may just fire you too.

HM: (Finally losing temper) What the hell are you talking about!?  I don’t work for Trump!

SP: (Smiling and standing up) Oh, we all work for Trump my friend…we all work for Trump!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pick my monkey up from the dry cleaners.

With that the spokesperson departed bringing a second interview to an abrupt end.

Just as we were getting ready to give up on the whole story, HM Press received a telephone call from Miuko Hashinadma herself. Though she would not take any questions, she confirmed to us that she was in fact not President Obama, and that she had never in her life been a black man…much less President of the United States.  She also noted it was clear that Obama was Chinese and that any search for his actual birth certificate should start  Beijing.   <<DEVELOPING>>

UPDATE:  In a bizarre turn of events, the entire staff at HM Press just received their pink slips.  Oddly enough, we did work for Trump after all.

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Man Finds Nancy Pelosi’s Face on Bacon Strip

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Head Muscle Press 27 Jan 2011 – When Mr. Ellis Pollard of Mallard Wisconsin received his Sunrise Special at the Waffle Shop this past Saturday morning, he was startled to find that one of his bacon strips bore the uncanny likeness of Nancy Pelosi (see image below).

“I was absolutely shocked,” Pollard confessed to local reporters.  “There she was, just staring me and grinning.  It was truly miraculous.”  Mr. Ellis went on to explain that he carefully wrapped the slice of salt pork into a napkin and, after inspecting the rest of his meal for Democrats, finished his breakfast and hurried home. “It was really hard to concentrate on the road,” Pollard noted.  “I have always heard stories of people seeing the face of Jesus in rocks and reflections, but this was really something special.”

According to reports, Pollard spent the next few hours studying the image under a magnifying glass to ensure that what he was actually seeing was not a trick of the light. When convinced that the image of Pelosi was real, he took the strip of bacon to a local television station and reported his miraculous finding.  “At first the reporters were skeptical when I told them what I had found, but when I unwrapped the bacon and showed them they were awestruck,” Pollard recounted.

According to Mr. Pollard, over the next couple of days people gazing at the piece of Pelosi pork started to experience miracles.  One unemployed lady allegedly saw the image and, upon returning home,  discovered that her unemployment benefits had been extended a fourth time.  In another account, a committed Tea Partier looked at the image and immediately fell to the ground shouting anti-Palin slogans. The most noteworthy instance occurred when an older gentleman saw the image and started channeling Ted Kennedy. For over 30 minutes he extolled the virtues of the healthcare bill, drank Scotch Whiskey, and blamed the Republicans for setting him up at Chappaquiddick.

Though the DNC has withheld official comment, it is a well known fact around the DC area that this is not the first time images of Democrats have spontaneously appeared on pieces of fatty pork.  In 2006 Martin Emmitt of Shellsburg Idaho produced the now famous “Harry Ham” slice (below), which was purported to make anyone who looked at it pro-labor.

And then more recently during the 2008 presidential campaign, hundreds of mysterious Obama Chops appeared in diners across key swing states that eventually went blue.

“It is kind of like the whole UFO thing,” Cameron Dalton author of the self-published book Conspiracy of Pork’ confided to Head Muscle. “No one wants to admit that this is happening, but you just cannot deny the evidence when it is right there on your sausage patty.” Mr. Dalton is the founder of Conservative Republicans Against Pork Propaganda (CRAPP) and is trying to lift the veil on what he describes as a massive liberal plot to control voters through use of pork stimulation.  “The problem is pervasive,” Dalton warns. “No one really knows how much pork the Democrats actually control. Why there could be thousands of unsuspecting people swallowing this garbage as we speak!” Though CRAPP is small right now, it is gaining a foothold among independents and conservative vegetarians. According to Dalton, liberals plan to flood the American people with more and more pork over the next two years until everyone is hopelessly hooked. In an ominous warning, Dalton pointed out to Head Muscle that the Pelosi image will soon be followed by the most massive DNC pork project to date…Operation Barney Frank.

According to Dalton they have already appeared at the Fannie Mae cafeteria and will likely be passed out to homeowners through thousands of new sub-prime hot dog vendors.  Head Muscle will continue to follow this breaking story as it develops. In the meantime we strongly suggest that Americans everywhere stick to the beef.

<<DEVELOPING>>

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Jihadist Monkeys Added To No-Fly List

Head Muscle Press (14 July 2010) – Just two days after reports that terrorists were training monkeys to be gun wielding jihadists, Janet Napolitano held a press conference to address the new threat. In what was largely heralded as a vain attempt to appear somewhat concerned about our national security, Napolitano announced that all known radicalized jihadist monkeys would be immediately placed on the TSA no-fly list.  “The first thing that we must do is protect our skies from these furry fellons,” Secretary Napolitano announced to assembled press and politicians. “In that light, I am personally directing the TSA to swing into action on this matter.” According to Secretary Napolitano, any monkey that buys a first class one way ticket with cash will be investigated and,  if appropriate, added to the list.

“This should prove to skeptics once and for all that the Secretary is deadly serious about our national security,” an unnamed DHS official noted to HM reporters after the announcement.  “Americans can rest assured that not one innocent life will be taken by flying monkeys on her watch!” Other DHS staff were not so confident however. “This is a pretty big gamble, one TSA official confided. “I mean, we have to be right 100% of the time, but the monkeys only have to be right once…”

According to the new directive, pistol packing primates will be required to either check their weapons with their luggage, or show valid law enforcement credentials to TSA agents at airport security gates.  Other common monkey carry-ons like bananas, cymbals, those little red fezzes, and small termite mounds will be allowed as long as they are sealed in 32 ounce zip lock bags.

In a swift reaction to this new directive, Bobo, the national chairman of CAIR (Chimpanzees Advocating Islamic Revolution), declared that ninety percent of all monkeys were peaceful hard working hominids and that the new DHS policy amounted to nothing less than primate profiling.  He noted that most monkeys would never see, speak, nor hear of such evil, and that CAIR was in talks with the ACLU about possible legal action against DHS.  When Head Muscle reporters tried to press him on the issue however, noting that monkeys could be pretty mean, he became agitated and started throwing his poop.

PETA also spoke up in opposition, stating that the new directive would precipitate a backlash against monkeys around the world.  “It really is tragic,” a PETA spokesperson commented to HM. “Our culture is already full of negative monkey images, and this only adds fuel to the fire.  Just look at what the media has done over the years. First you have King Kong wrecking Manhattan, then King Louie kidnapping Mowgli the man cub, and let’s not even get into the whole Wizard of Oz thing! It should be no surprise to anyone that monkeys are getting kicked off airplanes!”

Charles Bolden of NASA weighed in as well, reminding the world that monkeys actually went into space months before humans, and that we should all be mindful of their contributions to science and culture. “NASA will do everthing in its power to ensure that monkeys around the world know that they are special…even if they have really weird looking butts,” he announced.

Despite all the  criticisms, President Obama released a brief statement noting that the steps taken by Secretary Napolitano, though unfortunate, were absolutely critical to our national security. He also noted that if Bush had addressed the radical monkey issue years ago instead of wasting time in Iraq, the current crisis could have been avoided.

Though no other animal species have stepped up in solidarity with the monkeys, a group of three toed sloths released a statement today urging caution in implementing the new directive.  In their statement they made it clear that, though there are some physical similarities, sloths are ‘xenarthrans’ and not related to primates in any way. The group also noted that sloths are by nature agnostic, and not prone to acts of martyrdom. <<Developing>>

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NASA Announces Space Camp For Terrorists

Head Muscle Press (7 July 2010) – Earlier today at a surprise press conference, NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced that his agency would take over operations at  Guantanamo Bay prison, and convert it into a space camp for terrorists. “This camp is an important first step in our efforts to improve the self-esteem of Islamic terrorists everywhere, and I think that its impact will be significant,” Mr Bolden gushed to the gathered press. 

News of the new Guantanamo Bay Space Camp comes on the heels of Mr. Bolden’s recent statement that improving relations with the Muslim world was now NASA’s ‘foremost’ objective. Advocates of the new space camp note that this new program will not only improve the dreadfully low self-esteem of terrorists, but will also assist in easing the controversy around the Guantanamo Bay facility. “Everyone wants Guantanamo Bay to be closed, but we just have not figured out how to do it,” an administration official admitted under condition of anonymity.  “Everyone  hates Guantanamo, but space camps are fun, high-tech, happy places,” he explained. “Who would want to close a space camp?”

Under NASA’s plan, the cells and fences at Guantanamo will be replaced with space simulators, shuttle mock-ups, and eventually a launching pad.  Head Muscle Press was able to arrange an interview with a member of Mr. Bolden’s staff for more details.  Transcript follows:

HM: So let me see if I understand this correctly, NASA is planning to turn Guantanamo Bay prison into an astronaut training center for terrorists?

Staffer: That is in essence the plan…yes.

HM: Interesting, so what is NASA’s thinking here?

Staffer: Well, both Mr. Bolden and President Obama believe that terrorists suffer from low self-esteem.  They believe that, if we can make terrorists feel better about themselves, they will  become productive peace-loving citizens… and in this case astronauts!

HM: So you will be focusing on terrorists and not Muslims in general then.

Staffer: Well the terrorists are the ones causing all the ruckus right? Besides, they are a natural fit for astronaut training.

HM: Why are they such a good fit?

Staffer: We really see this training as a venue for helping them channel their natural strengths.

HM: For instance?

Staffer: Well after 9-11, the shoe bomber, and the underwear bomber it became clear to us that terrorists really like to fly.  So we are just going to build on that.

HM: So, you are going to teach them how to fly at this camp?

Staffer: Well certainly! I mean, you wouldn’t be a very good astronaut if you couldn’t fly right?

HM: Well I suppose but…

Staffer: (Interrupting) Besides, most of them are already pretty good at taking off, they just need to be taught how to land…it should be pretty straight forward.

HM: So what is the first step?

Staffer: Well the first step will be to get rid of those nasty white prison jump suits and give them some nice blue cadet flight suits and pilot rim shades. Mr. Bolden thinks that this alone will change the whole feeling of the camp.

HM: You are buying them shades…

Staffer: Oh yes. Mr Bolden believes that in order to feel good about yourself, you have to look good. We have actually hired some fashion consultants to help us come up with the final outfit.  We are thinking low waistlines with tight legs and flared bottoms. Something that says, “sure I used to behead infidels, but I am sexy too.” Know what I mean?

HM: (Changing subject) I see…What kind of technical training will they receive at the…um…space camp?

Staffer: Well we are going to have to start slowly at first, and really focus on some of the basics.

HM: Like what?

Staffer: First of all, we are going to have to convince most of them that the world is not flat. [Laughing] You cannot really orbit a flat earth can you? I mean the turns would just be too sharp.

HM: Well I suppose that makes sense…anything else?

Staffer: Well another, relatively challenging, thing is that we are going to have to teach them not to kill the instructors.

HM: (Shocked) Kill the instructors?

Staffer: (Rolling eyes) Well sure…I mean they are terrorists right? We fully expect to lose a few instructors early on but, over time, we hope to change their thinking on the whole killing thing.

HM: (Amazed) Well that sounds like a real challenge to say the least.

Staffer: (Nodding head) The space suits will be somewhat of a problem as well.

HM: Why is that?

Staffer: Well, most of the terrorists have grown really long beards while in captivity, and when you pile all of that hair up into a standard space helmet it is really difficult to see through.

HM: So will they have to shave?

Staffer: (Shocked) Oh my no!  How insensitive would that be?  We are simply going to build new helmets with elongated fronts so that their beards can hang naturally. 

HM: Your serious?

Staffer: Absolutely. In fact NASA is already working with the ZZ Top guys to build a prototype.  It is really tricky though, no one really knows how all that hair will react to zero gravity…it could be ugly.

HM: So, I am assuming that the Obama Administration fully supports this new effort.

Staffer: Oh, the administration is fully committed to this.  In fact, President Obama has even authorized NASA to stand up a new division devoted to this effort. We are calling it our Islamist Esteem Division or IED for short.

HM: IED?

Staffer: Oh, most certainly.  It is really brilliant. Now their IED training will be something just a bit more positive….it is all part of  the bigger message you see.

HM: I see…so is it really NASA’s intention to let these terrorists fly into space.

Staffer: (Frowning) Well that would be the goal in a perfect world but, since we no longer have a space program, we are going to have to set our sights a bit lower.

 HM: So what will they do?

Staffer: It is still somewhat uncertain, but we are currently talking with Walt Disney Inc.  to see if we can get them some gigs at Space Mountain.  We are also hoping that they can replace the little funny droids on the Star Tours shuttles.

HM: Really?  You are serious?

Staffer: Well sure.  Just think about it…they can lead Star Tours passengers through the perils of space, while teaching them inspirational chants.  Imagine blowing up the Death Star while shouting, “death to the Empire, death to the Empire!”  They are excellent chanters you know.

HM: So NASA and the Obama Administration actually believe that this crazy plan will reduce the threat of Islamist terror?

Staffer: Our analysts believe that it will dramatically reduce terrorist attacks if given a chance.

HM: (Curiously) Based on what?

Staffer: Well nothing is certain, but we do have strong data which shows that trained astronauts seldom, if ever, blow other people up on purpose.

HM: Really…

Staffer: (Proudly) Yep! Same goes for Disney employees too…

HM: So how much is this going to cost the tax payers?

Staffer: (Smiling) Absolutely nothing! That is the great thing about this plan.

HM: Well someone has to pay for it…who?

Staffer:  (Whispering) Obama is just going to tack it onto BP’s clean up bill. It is truly brilliant!

HM: (Baffled) Why on earth would BP pay for it?

Staffer: Well…we will have to wait until the slick hits Cuba, but when that happens we are home free…and I mean free!

Staffer: (Looking at watch)  I would really like to stay and chat longer, but I need to get back to NASA or I will be late for the stoning, and all the good rocks will be gone.

HM: (Stunned) Stoning?

Staffer: Yeah, we are just trying to get into the spirit of things…you know, empathize with their plight…anyway…see you!

With that, our interview ended.  Turning Guantanamo into a space camp is certainly a novel approach to the terrorist problem, but seems to be fully in line with the President’s direction.  It is unclear if such an unorthodox approach will yield any fruit, but it is sure to keep NASA personnel employed for some time to come.  The bottom line is, we will just have to wait and see whether or not this whacky plan actually works.  In the meantime, ride Star Tours at your own peril.

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Obama Takes Charge Of Gulf Oil Spill

Head Muscle Press (4 June 2010) – Just two days after reassuring America that the gulf oil spill was his top priority, President Barack Obama showed the world his resolve.  In a dramatic move designed to bring a speedy end to what could become the worst ecological crisis in our nation’s history, President Obama hosted a Paul McCartney concert in the White House East Room.  After the concert, Obama reaffirmed his concern for the people of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida by presenting Sir Paul McCartney with the Gershwin Award, America’s highest musical honor.  “Tonight was a fantastic opportunity for the President to show all Americans just how seriously he is taking this crisis in that…um…Mexican ocean area,” Janet Napolitano beamed to reporters after the concert. “Now, no one can question his priorities.”

Sources close to the administration confided to HM that President Obama had been feeling the heat for some time, and knew he had to act fast. “He called the entire staff into his office to brainstorm a solution,” our source recalled. “We put everything on the table; we even considered asking the Jonas Brothers to do an encore performance! Absolutely nothing was ruled out.” Our source went on to explain that Obama had even discussed holding a media event with the Houston Oilers, but eventually decided that it would just be too much too fast. Apparently, after hours of heated debate, the President finally put his foot down and insisted that a Paul McCartney concert was the only viable course of action.  On condition of strict anonymity (as usual) our White House source agreed to provide us further detail.  A transcript of the HM Exclusive interview follows:

HM: So, how exactly did having a Paul McCartney concert at the White House help stop the oil spill?

Source: Well the concert alone didn’t do anything, but it was an important first step.

HM: (curiously) A first step for what?

Source: (rolling eyes) Well reuniting the Beatles of course?  They are one of Obama’s favorite groups.  He really likes the short funny one – Dingo.

HM: (clearing throat) You mean Ringo…

Source: (waving hand) Hey, I ‘m not going to get into any political name calling here…this is a crisis.

HM: (confused)  So how in the world is reuniting The Beatles going stop the oil spill?

Source: Well it is a complex plan but, if Obama can get them all back together, he is hoping that they will take him down to the broken pipe in their yellow submarine.  If they can get him down there, he might be able to stop the spill.

HM: (in disbelief) Are you being serious?

Source: Most certainly. It is the only viable solution left.

HM: How would he stop the oil once he got down there in the…um…yellow submarine?

Source: It will be a process. First, he will have direct one-on-one talks with the spill. He will apologize for America’s role in the leak, and then try to reason with it.  He may even offer it a job if it will agree to stop running.

HM: What about just putting a cap on it?

Source: (smiling) Oh, believe me, he plans to cap a lot more than just this oil spill. Never let a good crisis go to waste you know!

HM: And he actually thinks he can do this?

Source: Well…it will be a team effort. He will need a little help from his friends…ha! Get it?

HM: (speaking slowly) The President does know that two of The Beatles are dead right?

Source: (shocked) Dear God! That means we have to activate Plan B!

HM: What is ‘Plan B?’

Source: (rubbing chin) Well it is still kind of sketchy, but Obama plans to nationalize Brittany Spears.

HM: Brittany Spears….what the heck can she do?

Source: Nothing – Obama just thinks she’s hot….It’s not really important anyway, in just a few days James Cameron will be taking charge of the entire operation.

HM: Interesting…what exactly is Cameron’s plan for stopping the oil?

Source: For starters he is going to have Celine Dion write a killer theme song for it. It will be Grammy stuff.

HM: And then?

Source: Well, he has not finalized the script yet, but it will likely involve Leonardo DiCaprio dangling Spongebob Squarepants over the slick from a helicopter gun ship.

HM: Spongebob?

Source: Yeah, he is an absorbent little fellow. It should be very dramatic.

HM: (in amazement) Does the President actually think that this will work?

Source: Not really, but it should get Cameron an Oscar nomination. He is still pretty down about Avatar, and needs a pick-me-up.

HM: (exhausted) You know, I hate to be rude here, but none of this makes any sense. These are all really wacky ideas.

Source: (rolling eyes) You anti-Obama people are always going to find fault with the President’s approach.  The fact is, in this moment of crisis, Obama is desperately trying to reach out and unify all Americans around one indisputable fact.

HM: Really?  What would that be?

Source: Brittany really is hot. I mean…you know…wow.

HM: (exasperated sigh) You must forgive me, but this is just nonsense.  None of these plans will do anything to stop the oil spill!

Source: Hey, don’t blame Obama.  If Bush had not killed the other two Beatles, we would already have their submarine!

HM: (shocked) Wait a minute….are you actually blaming Bush for…

Source: (interrupting) All I am saying is that someone should warn Dingo. He could be next…

HM: I’m sorry, this just does not….

[Source’s cell phone rings.]

Source: Excuse me a moment…..Hello?  Oh my God! That is terrible! Get the Admiral on the line…I am on my way.

Source: (Hanging up) I’m sorry, but I have to go deal with this crisis right away.

HM: The oil spill?

Source: No, Obama’s approval rating just dropped another 5 points! We have to do something fast!  Hey…you wouldn’t happen to have Lady Gaga’s cell number would you?

With that, our source scurried out of the room thumbing his Blackberry. One thing is for sure, if nothing else, President Obama is more than aware of what this crisis is doing to his approval ratings.  Perhaps this realization will generate more action and less song and dance from the White House. Regardless of the outcome however, it seems as if Obama will be submarining for the foreseeable future. <<DEVELOPING>>

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Obama Adds Arizona to Axis of Evil

Head Muscle Press 20 May, 2010 – In a surprise press conference shortly after an extended meeting with Mexican President Felipe Calderon, President Obama announced that he was adding Arizona to the Axis of Evil. “If we allow Arizona to enforce federal law and protect its sovereign borders, we are setting a dangerous precedent,” Obama noted in his remarks.  “Soon other rogue states like Texas will pass similar laws and, before you know it, our borders will be completely secured.  Rest assured, I will not let that happen on my watch!”

Obama went on to explain that, because his administration had won the war in Iraq, there was now a vacancy on the Axis of Evil list, and that Arizona’s flagrant attempts to preserve their borders had earned them a place on the list just ahead of North Korea.  After the press conference, a spokesperson for the White House  noted that Obama had also contacted the Cuban chair of the UN Human Rights Council to request a statement of international condemnation for the Grand Canyon State. “We are really hoping for a strong statement from the council, and have already held private discussions with members from China, Libya, Sudan, and Cuba to urge them to act quickly,” the spokesman noted.

On condition of anonymity, the spokesperson later agreed to an exclusive interview with HM. Transcript follows:

HM: Thanks much for providing us this exclusive interview.

SP: No problem.  I am happy to put to rest any misconceptions that the public may have about the President’s position on immigration and the new Arizona law.

HM: So, it is kind of odd to have one of our states on the Axis of Evil list. What exactly does it mean for Arizona?

SP: Well it is pretty severe.  First we anticipate a broad range of actions.

HM: Like what?

SP: Well first of all, we are taking steps to change the name of the Grand Canyon.

HM: Wow, really? What will the new name be?

SP: Canyon El Grande. That should be a wake up call for all those Arizona racists.

HM: Ok….well…what else are you planning on doing?

SP: Well the President is also considering a package of sanctions against the state.  First off, he is planning on repealing the Bush tax cuts for all Arizona citizens, raising their cost of health care, placing heavy tax burdens on Arizona small businesses, and possibly placing heavy taxes on their power consumption. It will really be brutal.

HM: (Pausing) But hasn’t he already don…

SP: (Interrupting) Oh and that is just the tip of the iceberg.  He is also planning a world tour to formally apologize for Arizona’s actions.

HM: A world apology tour?

SP: Yeah, exciting isn’t it.  I can already see the T-shirts.  “I’m Sorry Tour 2010.”

HM: Obama really seems good at apo…

SP: (Interrupting again) Oh he’s a master.

HM: So, what will the goal be with all these actions?

SP: Well regime change of course.  Brewer must be arrested…I mean…defeated.

HM: Who would you want for Governor in her place?

SP: First off, instead of ‘governor,’ all future heads of state will be referred to as ‘El Hefe Grande.’  Obama thinks it will really help immigrants reclaim their self esteem.

HM: The Big Chief?

SP: (Impressed) Ah, your Spanish is impressive! Perhaps you could be part of the new Arizona legislature.

HM: A new legislature?

SP: Oh yeah, we will have to have all the current lawmakers arreste….I mean…..removed from office first though.

HM: Will the Arizona Legislature have a new name too?

SP: You guessed it.  We are calling it ‘El Junta Magnifico.’   El Guapo thought of that one himself.

HM: El Guapo?

SP: (Chuckling) Oh…sorry….Obama.  He asks us to call him that in private.

HM: He likes to be called ‘the handsome one?’

SP: Well, he is pretty hot….I mean except for the ears…..don’t you think?

HM: Well I hadn’t really…

SP: We have also designed a new state flag for Arizona once the coups…I mean….the new leadership is elected.

HM: A new state flag? Really?

SP: Sure! Do you want to see it? I have a picture.

HM: (Shocked) You replaced the star with Che Grevara’s head?

SP: (Pumping fist in the air) Viva la revolucion de Arizona!

HM: Wasn’t Che a Communist and a murderer?

SP: Oh sure, but damn if he doesn’t look good on a t-shirt.

HM: (Pausing) So is President Obama just going to let our borders stay open?

SP: No…don’t be silly. In fact, in just a few weeks, he is going to announce a bold new plan to finish the border fence at half the price and reduce illegal immigration by 50%.

HM: Wow, that sounds impressive, how is he going to do it?

SP: (Unfolding a piece of paper) Well I just happen to have a diagram of his plan right here with me…impressive isn’t it?

HM: (Looking at paper) I am not sure. It just looks like a bunch of dashed lines on the border.

SP: It’s not just a dashed line.  It’s Obama’s new fence!

HM: I don’t understand….

SP: (Speaking slowly) Let me explain.  We have hundreds of miles of border with no fence, so Obama is going to fix that by rebuilding the fence like you see it here on the map. It is brilliant don’t you think?

HM: You mean he is going to build a dashed line?

SP: You got it!  And he is going to save money by tearing out sections of the existing fence and reusing it in other places.  You see Obama has calculated that there is enough existing fence to span the entire border as long as it is build like the line you see above!  It will save material costs and cut illegal border crossings by half!  It really is brilliant.

HM: But there are huge holes!  Can’t folks just cross somewhere else?

SP: Well, I admit, the plan is not perfect, but you don’t have to be so negative.

HM: Well…I’m sorry….but the plan seems fairly…well…misconceived.  How on earth will it curb illegal immigration by 50%?

SP: Well it covers half of the border doesn’t it? That means Obama has solved half of the problem. That’s more than George Bush did by the way….

HM: (Clearing throat) Well..back to the issue of Arizona, isn’t putting them on the Axis of Evil list just a bunch of political hype? I mean, what can Obama really do?

SP: He is ruling nothing out.  Except nukes that is.

HM: Nukes? What the…

SP: Oh he is serious.  Even if Arizona uses biological weapons against its poor immigrant population, Obama won’t nuke them.

HM: This is absurd.

SP: I know, it does seem like we are tying our hands a bit.  The good news is, he is really fond of Predator Drone strikes.

At this point, our interview concluded as our source said something about being late for a  Phoenix targeting party and dashed out of the door. Rest assured however, that Head Muscle Press will continue to monitor the developing situation in Arizona.  Whatever happens, it is clear that Obama (aka. El Guapo) is standing firmly against their attempts to uphold the law.  In the meantime, if you happen to live in Phoenix….watch the skies.

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Blazing Borders

It is not Head Muscle’s policy to post pieces from other blogs. In fact, I do not think that we have ever done so. Sometimes however, one runs across something so well done that it is simply an injustice not to pass it on. This is one of those rare cases.  Our friend TheBad at Rants and Other Refinements recently posted a piece on the new Arizona border law that truly deserves to go viral. We are reposting a part of  it here with his express permission, but I urge you to read the full piece at Rants.  Just click on the marquee below to see TheBad’s original post:

Once upon a time there was a town in the American southwest called Phoenix. For a while, it was a decent place to live, but there was a problem growing there. Because the government was unable, unwilling, inept, or all of the above, immigration law in America and the lack of enforcement created an easy place for people who came to the county illegally to settle in. Needless to say, lawlessness begets lawlessness.

Outlaws behaved like outlaws.

However, the outlaws had support from within the country. Between the lawlessness of the illegals and of the politicians who would seek to pander to these lawbreakers for position and power, some law abiding people were inclined to move elsewhere.

“Now I don’t have to tell you good folks what has been happening here in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. Now the time has come to act, and act fast. I’m leaving.”

For those who vowed to stay, for those who stood for the law of the land, for those who would stand against lawbreakers: threats of violence and acts of violence were visited upon them. Nonetheless, a new law was passed. It said that breaking the law was now officially against the law. Amazingly, this seemed to work, as the lawbreakers decided to move on to towns where breaking the law wasn’t against the law.

Back in Washington, this news was not good for democrats in power.

They gathered to discuss the deep ramifications of Arizona effectively operating without their approval or assistance.

“Chairman Kaine? Might I disturb you for a moment sir? It seems that those flyovers out west have passed a law that would snatch hundreds of thousands of potential democrat voters from our grasp by enforcing current immigration law. Even worse than that, it appears to be working almost instantly!”

“Holy underwear! Effective laws? Voters who won’t want an eternal welfare state? We’ve got to protect our phony bologna jobs, gentlemen! We’ve got to do something about this immediately, immediately, immediately …”

“Harumpf, harumpf!”

“I didn’t get a harumpf outta that guy!”

“Harumpf!”

“Now let’s get back to fixing the economy.”

Call me jaded, but it seems to me that democrats might really be upset over this law because it does what none of their legislation can ever hope to accomplish: actually work.

Meanwhile, across town in Barney Frank’s basement:

“Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT!”

“WRONG!”

“OK, just watch me. It’s so simple, you sissy Marys!”

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Obama Blames Insurance Companies for Volcano Eruption

Head Muscle Press (21 April, 2010) In a clear effort not to have his agenda upstaged by a natural disaster, President Obama held an impromptu press conference this afternoon blaming insurance companies for the eruption in Iceland.  “If you ever wondered how low greedy insurance companies would stoop to make a buck,” Obama bellowed to a mesmerized crowd, “just look at the plume of ash behind me.”  As Obama spoke, a live picture of the eruption appeared on a giant screen behind his podium.  “We have got to stop these greedy companies in their tracks, or God only knows what they will do to us next!” he exclaimed. “If you think this eruption was bad, wait until you see the tidal waves and asteroid strikes they are planning!”

Word from administration insiders is that Obama was ‘extremely upset’  that the disaster had taken up valuable network air time he had planned to use to bash our free enterprise system.  Late yesterday, the White House released a memorandum to the press stating that Obama would personally investigate the eruption in Iceland, as well as its suspected ties to AIG, Goldman Sachs, and Wall Street.  This afternoon, in a highly choreographed media event, he announced his findings.  “After twelve hours of exhaustive investigation,” the President announced, “I have determined that the insurance companies are behind this eruption and, as we speak, are pumping billions of tons of ash and carbon into the air.”  The crowd responded with glee chanting, “death to AIG,” and pumping their clenched fists into the air.

Bolstered by their enthusiasm, Obama laid out his case.  “Don’t you find it strange that this eruption took place just one month after passing health care reform?” he asked the crowd rhetorically.  “We have made it all but impossible for these pirates to provide you quality health care at a profit, so they have set their sights on volcanoes instead!”  The crowd, clearly entranced by his brilliance, hung on every word.  “Make no mistake about it, they will not rest until each and every one of you are buying their volcano insurance for your home!” he warned.  “Once they have Iceland and Europe in their greedy grip, they will continue to cause eruptions around the world until they have recouped every penny I have stolen from them!”

As Obama played the crowd, another plume of ash billowed from the crater behind him. “See what I mean!” he exclaimed. “They are sending you a message right now!”  The crowed boo’d and hissed.  “Well let me tell you something.  They may think that they have us, but no one alive can blow smoke like me, and they have just met their match!” At this point the crowd could not contain themselves, and began cheering wildly and doing something that looked eerily like the electric slide.   It was clear to everyone that, with this speech, Obama had  established himself as the nation’s first ‘volcano reform’ president.

Obama went on to announce that he would ask Congress to pass an $800 billion package to nationalize the world’s volcanoes and, “wrest them, once and for all, from grip of big insurance.”  Under Obama’s plan, taxpayers would foot the $800 billion bill through a VAT, or Volcano Abatement Tax, which would be levied against companies and individuals that promoted, funded, or directly controlled volcanic activity.  Though it is unclear exactly who would have to pay this tax, insiders close to Obama have suggested the list would specifically target banks, insurance companies, Wall Street firms, and any individual greedy enough to invest their personal funds with these organizations.  It has also been suggested that certain groups might be forced to pay additional penalties for their “reckless promotion” of volcanic activity. These groups could include Jimmy Buffett (for that “Volcano Song”), King Kong, and anyone performing in, directing, producing, or viewing the play South Pacific.  Leonard Nimoy could also get hit with a severe penalty for playing a ‘Vulcan,’ which was clearly derived from ‘Vulcanus’  the Roman god of volcano fire.  Nimoy has not commented.

According to our source, funds raised from the VAT would be used to develop strict EPA limits on all future volcano eruptions, and to ensure that all Americans are protected from wanton volcanic activity.  In his remarks, Obama noted that almost 99.99% of all Americans live day-to-day without volcano insurance, and that this was proof enough that the current system needed a complete overhaul.  He pledged that, under this new bill, every American citizen would be guaranteed their constitutional right to free volcano protection.  He then concluded his remarks by pledging to have direct talks with any and all third-world volcanoes that showed a willingness to work with the US.  So far, volcanoes in Iran, Syria, and North Korea have not responded.

The GOP has been quick to label Obama’s new VAT as just another massive Democrat tax-and-spend sham.  In remarks on Fox News, Karl Rove noted that many people who do not have volcano insurance choose not to be covered. He went on to say that Obama is, once again, manufacturing a crisis in order to take away American freedom. Sarah Palin noted that, while Governor of Alaska, she only controlled one volcano and that the problem had been grossly overstated by the Dems.  Mitt Romney has remained silent on the issue however, and pundits have speculated it is because the volcano insurance plan he put in place in Massachusetts has been grossly mismanaged.   Ron Paul refused to comment on the volcano issue, but took the opportunity to announce that space aliens had been stealing his underwear for several years.<<Developing>>

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