Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990’s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

<<DEVELOPING>>

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance

Advertisements

Wisconsin Couple Still Not Sexually Harassed

Head Muscle Press (3 November, 2011) – Head Muscle has learned that Mr. Harold Nodderman from Bayfield Wisconsin and his wife Elma are offended that they have yet to be sexually harassed by a politician. “It really is disappointing,” Nodderman told Head Muscle in an exclusive interview. “With all the harassment going on these days, it is not fair that we are being left out…it’s discrimination at its very worst.”  According to Mr. Nodderman neither he nor his wife have received a single inappropriate sexual remark from either party, and they are starting to lose their patience. “Ever since Politico broke the big story on Herman Cain, we have been anxiously awaiting some type of offensive remark from someone…anyone,” Nodderman explained. “Elma has been sitting by the phone for the last three days and is really frustrated. I am not sure how much longer she can wait.”  A complete transcript of our interview with Mr. Nodderman follows:

HM: So, Mr. Nodderman I am curious, why are you “disappointed” that no one has sexually harassed you?

Nodd: Well first of all I am a taxpayer, and if my political leaders are going to spend my money being sexually inappropriate, by God I want my share!

HM: (Pausing) I see…so you are feeling cheated?

Nodd: (Angrily) You’re darn tootin’ we do! We work until May of every year to just pay our taxes and Mr. Obama is asking us to pay even more.  It seems like the least that they could do is give us a naughty call!

HM: (Curiously) So you want your money’s worth…of harassment.

Nodd: Look, I would rather have more jobs, a better economy, real tax reform,  a home that is worth something, and gasoline below four dollars a gallon but none of that seems to be in the works…so we will take a little inappropriate sexy talk.

HM: (Bewildered)  Okay, but wouldn’t that be demeaning and insulting?

Nodd: (Rolling eyes) Ya think?  You know it is called sexual “harassment…”

HM: (Confused) But why would you want to be sexually harassed?

Nodd: (Exasperated) Have you not watched the news even once since Bill Clinton was elected? There is big money in being harassed! Book deals…the works!  I figure I can even get Elma on The View if it is bad enough. She would love that…

HM: The View?

Nodd: (Leaning forward and whispering) I would take something simple like a heavy breathing call from Biden or Weiner in a pinch, but we would really prefer something from the GOP.

HM:  Why the GOP?

Nodd: Well they just seem…kinda…you know…safer.

HM: (Lost) Sorry, but I don’t understand.

Nodd: Well you know…when they’re inappropriate, they don’t really mean it.  Most of the time they are just trying to be nice to someone with an agenda, and before they know it the press is off and running. Elma thinks Mitt is cute too. I mean how freaky could he be…really.  But the Dems…oh man….they’re kind of scary.

HM: What do you mean by “scary?”

Nodd: (Sighing heavily) C’mon….Barney Frank!  Really?

HM: (Nodding) Okay, I think I am following.

Nodd: I mean he just might show up at the door one evening with a jug of body oil or something…(shivers) spooky. You just can’t tell with them…

HM: I see.

Nodd: (Shrugging indifferently) Well…it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I have a back-up plan.

HM: (Curiously) Oh really? What might that be?

Nodd: Well I figure that I will just have Elna call Politico and tell them that Herman harassed her too. That should at least get her on Anderson Cooper.

HM: (Appauled) But it would be a lie!

Nodd: Of course it would be, but based on the latest allegations against Herman Cain, proof does not seem to be a requirement for the press…hey you think we would get to meet Arianna Huffington? She’s smokin’ hot….mmmmm….mmmmm!

HM: Well that seems a bit inappropriate to say…

Nodd: (Laughing) Yeah well, someone needs to teach you the difference between harassment and sarcasm…

With that, the phone rang and our Head Muscle correspondent was forced to conclude the interview prematurely.  We had many more questions for Mr. Nodderman but apparently John Edwards had called to moan and pant.

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance

Cain Is Most Able

Many of my more faithful readers will know that there has not been much activity on Head Muscle the past several months.  The reason for this simple…I lost my energy.  Political blogs are a great thing, but sometimes it seems that one gets in a rut of just regurgitating the same old objections and hearing the same tired arguments.  The plain truth is, I got to a point where I felt as if I was putting more into it than I was getting out of it.

Now don’t get me wrong….this has absolutely nothing to do with my fine and able companions out there in the blogosphere.  My fellow bloggers have towed the line nobly and continue to do so with exacting precision and insight.  All that said however, watching our great nation literally collapse under the misguided vision of our current administration was so emotionally draining, I just lost my steam. The furnace went cold.

When the debates started a few months ago I watched ambivalently as the usual suspects  Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Ron (the kook) Paul, took the stage.  “Wasn’t this the group of folks that lost to Obama the first time?” I could not help but think.  Then this fellow named Herman Cain started talking, and he really got my attention.  Here was a business man with no real political experience making everyone else on stage sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher…wah wah wah wah…you know what I mean.  When I finished watching the first debate I visited his website at Herman Cain for President and really started to dig into who this guy was.  Needless to say I liked what I read, and have since become an ardent Herman Cain supporter.

Over the last several months I have been trying to figure out what to do with Head Muscle.  I still did not have the zeal to jump back into the political issue du jour, but felt that there was still something productive I could do with it.  When Mr. Cain won the Florida straw poll this past week, I knew without a doubt that Head Muscle had a new calling.

Ladies and gentlemen make no mistake about it; our nation is in the middle of a revolution. It is not violent one, but it is a revolution nonetheless.  Our current administration is presiding over the worst economy since the great depression and they are zealously digging the hole deeper. We have anarchists trying to shut down Wall Street, Michael Moore threatening violence, and a stock market in a state of fiscal schizophrenia. In the midst of all this mayhem, our illustrious leader is helping out by blaming everyone’s misfortune on the rich!  Put plainly…we as a nation are in deep kimchi.

So I have decided that instead of letting Head Muscle fade away, I am going to devote it for the foreseeable future to promoting the one person that I believe has the experience, common sense, moral character, and clarity of vision necessary to pull this great nation out of the quicksand. I truly believe that the perilous times we find ourselves in call for a leader and a visionary the likes of Mr. Cain. We need someone who will embrace the free market principles that  made this the greatest country on earth; someone who believes in American exceptionalism and will not settle for making us less that what we are.  We need someone who can carry Ronald Reagan’s dream of  “a shining city on a hill” to its final realization without apologizing or looking back.  When I look at Romney, Perry, Paul, Bachmann, and Gingrich all I see is politics as usual…and these are not usual times.

Now I grant you that Herman Cain has little experience in the political world. In fact he has never even held a major political office. This lack of political experience is an incontrovertible fact.  I would remind you however…as Herman himself noted…that it has been the “seasoned” politicians that have driven us into the wall at full speed?  Yes my friends, we need a change…real change….and his name is Herman Cain.

Please check into Head Muscle regularly for much more insight on the Cain campaign, and don’t forget to go to the Cain for President website yourself and read about the man firsthand.  I would also like to urge all of my fellow bloggers to become active in the Cain campaign. You can check out our Twitter feed @blogforCain for up to the moment updates,  and please consider linking Head Muscle to your sites. I would also like to add as many links as I can to the sites of fellow Cain supporters, so please leave me your URL in a comment. Our goal is to start a grass roots network of blogs all working together to help our nation realize Herman Cain’s vision.

If you think Romney and Perry have things all locked up, let me remind you that folks were saying the very same thing about Hillary back in 2007. If Obama could do it…so Cain we!

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance