Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990’s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

<<DEVELOPING>>

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Wisconsin Couple Still Not Sexually Harassed

Head Muscle Press (3 November, 2011) – Head Muscle has learned that Mr. Harold Nodderman from Bayfield Wisconsin and his wife Elma are offended that they have yet to be sexually harassed by a politician. “It really is disappointing,” Nodderman told Head Muscle in an exclusive interview. “With all the harassment going on these days, it is not fair that we are being left out…it’s discrimination at its very worst.”  According to Mr. Nodderman neither he nor his wife have received a single inappropriate sexual remark from either party, and they are starting to lose their patience. “Ever since Politico broke the big story on Herman Cain, we have been anxiously awaiting some type of offensive remark from someone…anyone,” Nodderman explained. “Elma has been sitting by the phone for the last three days and is really frustrated. I am not sure how much longer she can wait.”  A complete transcript of our interview with Mr. Nodderman follows:

HM: So, Mr. Nodderman I am curious, why are you “disappointed” that no one has sexually harassed you?

Nodd: Well first of all I am a taxpayer, and if my political leaders are going to spend my money being sexually inappropriate, by God I want my share!

HM: (Pausing) I see…so you are feeling cheated?

Nodd: (Angrily) You’re darn tootin’ we do! We work until May of every year to just pay our taxes and Mr. Obama is asking us to pay even more.  It seems like the least that they could do is give us a naughty call!

HM: (Curiously) So you want your money’s worth…of harassment.

Nodd: Look, I would rather have more jobs, a better economy, real tax reform,  a home that is worth something, and gasoline below four dollars a gallon but none of that seems to be in the works…so we will take a little inappropriate sexy talk.

HM: (Bewildered)  Okay, but wouldn’t that be demeaning and insulting?

Nodd: (Rolling eyes) Ya think?  You know it is called sexual “harassment…”

HM: (Confused) But why would you want to be sexually harassed?

Nodd: (Exasperated) Have you not watched the news even once since Bill Clinton was elected? There is big money in being harassed! Book deals…the works!  I figure I can even get Elma on The View if it is bad enough. She would love that…

HM: The View?

Nodd: (Leaning forward and whispering) I would take something simple like a heavy breathing call from Biden or Weiner in a pinch, but we would really prefer something from the GOP.

HM:  Why the GOP?

Nodd: Well they just seem…kinda…you know…safer.

HM: (Lost) Sorry, but I don’t understand.

Nodd: Well you know…when they’re inappropriate, they don’t really mean it.  Most of the time they are just trying to be nice to someone with an agenda, and before they know it the press is off and running. Elma thinks Mitt is cute too. I mean how freaky could he be…really.  But the Dems…oh man….they’re kind of scary.

HM: What do you mean by “scary?”

Nodd: (Sighing heavily) C’mon….Barney Frank!  Really?

HM: (Nodding) Okay, I think I am following.

Nodd: I mean he just might show up at the door one evening with a jug of body oil or something…(shivers) spooky. You just can’t tell with them…

HM: I see.

Nodd: (Shrugging indifferently) Well…it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I have a back-up plan.

HM: (Curiously) Oh really? What might that be?

Nodd: Well I figure that I will just have Elna call Politico and tell them that Herman harassed her too. That should at least get her on Anderson Cooper.

HM: (Appauled) But it would be a lie!

Nodd: Of course it would be, but based on the latest allegations against Herman Cain, proof does not seem to be a requirement for the press…hey you think we would get to meet Arianna Huffington? She’s smokin’ hot….mmmmm….mmmmm!

HM: Well that seems a bit inappropriate to say…

Nodd: (Laughing) Yeah well, someone needs to teach you the difference between harassment and sarcasm…

With that, the phone rang and our Head Muscle correspondent was forced to conclude the interview prematurely.  We had many more questions for Mr. Nodderman but apparently John Edwards had called to moan and pant.

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Obama Blames Insurance Companies for Volcano Eruption

Head Muscle Press (21 April, 2010) In a clear effort not to have his agenda upstaged by a natural disaster, President Obama held an impromptu press conference this afternoon blaming insurance companies for the eruption in Iceland.  “If you ever wondered how low greedy insurance companies would stoop to make a buck,” Obama bellowed to a mesmerized crowd, “just look at the plume of ash behind me.”  As Obama spoke, a live picture of the eruption appeared on a giant screen behind his podium.  “We have got to stop these greedy companies in their tracks, or God only knows what they will do to us next!” he exclaimed. “If you think this eruption was bad, wait until you see the tidal waves and asteroid strikes they are planning!”

Word from administration insiders is that Obama was ‘extremely upset’  that the disaster had taken up valuable network air time he had planned to use to bash our free enterprise system.  Late yesterday, the White House released a memorandum to the press stating that Obama would personally investigate the eruption in Iceland, as well as its suspected ties to AIG, Goldman Sachs, and Wall Street.  This afternoon, in a highly choreographed media event, he announced his findings.  “After twelve hours of exhaustive investigation,” the President announced, “I have determined that the insurance companies are behind this eruption and, as we speak, are pumping billions of tons of ash and carbon into the air.”  The crowd responded with glee chanting, “death to AIG,” and pumping their clenched fists into the air.

Bolstered by their enthusiasm, Obama laid out his case.  “Don’t you find it strange that this eruption took place just one month after passing health care reform?” he asked the crowd rhetorically.  “We have made it all but impossible for these pirates to provide you quality health care at a profit, so they have set their sights on volcanoes instead!”  The crowd, clearly entranced by his brilliance, hung on every word.  “Make no mistake about it, they will not rest until each and every one of you are buying their volcano insurance for your home!” he warned.  “Once they have Iceland and Europe in their greedy grip, they will continue to cause eruptions around the world until they have recouped every penny I have stolen from them!”

As Obama played the crowd, another plume of ash billowed from the crater behind him. “See what I mean!” he exclaimed. “They are sending you a message right now!”  The crowed boo’d and hissed.  “Well let me tell you something.  They may think that they have us, but no one alive can blow smoke like me, and they have just met their match!” At this point the crowd could not contain themselves, and began cheering wildly and doing something that looked eerily like the electric slide.   It was clear to everyone that, with this speech, Obama had  established himself as the nation’s first ‘volcano reform’ president.

Obama went on to announce that he would ask Congress to pass an $800 billion package to nationalize the world’s volcanoes and, “wrest them, once and for all, from grip of big insurance.”  Under Obama’s plan, taxpayers would foot the $800 billion bill through a VAT, or Volcano Abatement Tax, which would be levied against companies and individuals that promoted, funded, or directly controlled volcanic activity.  Though it is unclear exactly who would have to pay this tax, insiders close to Obama have suggested the list would specifically target banks, insurance companies, Wall Street firms, and any individual greedy enough to invest their personal funds with these organizations.  It has also been suggested that certain groups might be forced to pay additional penalties for their “reckless promotion” of volcanic activity. These groups could include Jimmy Buffett (for that “Volcano Song”), King Kong, and anyone performing in, directing, producing, or viewing the play South Pacific.  Leonard Nimoy could also get hit with a severe penalty for playing a ‘Vulcan,’ which was clearly derived from ‘Vulcanus’  the Roman god of volcano fire.  Nimoy has not commented.

According to our source, funds raised from the VAT would be used to develop strict EPA limits on all future volcano eruptions, and to ensure that all Americans are protected from wanton volcanic activity.  In his remarks, Obama noted that almost 99.99% of all Americans live day-to-day without volcano insurance, and that this was proof enough that the current system needed a complete overhaul.  He pledged that, under this new bill, every American citizen would be guaranteed their constitutional right to free volcano protection.  He then concluded his remarks by pledging to have direct talks with any and all third-world volcanoes that showed a willingness to work with the US.  So far, volcanoes in Iran, Syria, and North Korea have not responded.

The GOP has been quick to label Obama’s new VAT as just another massive Democrat tax-and-spend sham.  In remarks on Fox News, Karl Rove noted that many people who do not have volcano insurance choose not to be covered. He went on to say that Obama is, once again, manufacturing a crisis in order to take away American freedom. Sarah Palin noted that, while Governor of Alaska, she only controlled one volcano and that the problem had been grossly overstated by the Dems.  Mitt Romney has remained silent on the issue however, and pundits have speculated it is because the volcano insurance plan he put in place in Massachusetts has been grossly mismanaged.   Ron Paul refused to comment on the volcano issue, but took the opportunity to announce that space aliens had been stealing his underwear for several years.<<Developing>>

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Obama Nationalizes College Bowl Games

Head Muscle Press (30 January 2010): Insider sources close to President Obama have informed Head Muscle News that he is getting ready to announce plans to take control of all NCAA Division I bowl games.  According to our sources, Obama is doing this in an effort to regain his popular appeal on the heels of a dismal State of the Union Speech.   “President Obama has really had a rough couple of weeks,” our anonymous White House source noted.  “Banks are still making profits, insurance companies are still covering their customers, big energy is still drilling for oil, and the health care industry is still functioning well for 95% of all Americans. He is really feeling down right now.  It has been a while since the President has nationalized anything and he could really use a pick-me-up.” Rumor on the hill is that Obama has never liked the bowl system and believes that it creates an unfair monopoly in certain conferences. Nationalizing all college bowl games is seen by some proponents as the only way to make the system more accessible to underperforming teams that “are not covered” under the current system.  “There are about 342 Division I teams, and only 34 bowl games,” our source explained.  “This means that, every year, almost 274 teams go without bowl coverage.  It is just not fair, and President Obama is vowing to fight for these teams and their fans.”  In an effort to get a more detail on the President’s plan, HM met with our informant for an in-depth interview.  Transcript follows:

HM: Thanks for stopping by today.

Source: My pleasure, I really believe that this proposed legislation is going to be a win for the American People.

HM: So let me get this straight, President Obama plans to nationalize all Division I NCAA bowl games?

Source: Well, I wouldn’t exactly use the term “nationalize.”  We really see it as providing college football teams with a “public bowl option.”

HM: What exactly is a “public bowl?”

Source: Well, it is common knowledge that the greedy insurance companies and big Wall Street banks have had control of the bowl system for years, and …

HM: Sorry for the interruption, but that is really a sensational accusation! What proof do you have?

Source: Well, just look at the 2009 bowl schedule – The Citibank Championship Bowl, The Capital One Bowl, The Allstate Sugar Bowl, The Eagle Bank Bowl…I mean it is really kind of obvious isn’t it?

HM: So how exactly how will the “public bowl option” work?

Source: The plan is to take some of the remaining 500 billion bailout dollars, and set up an additional 137 bowl games that will cover the teams unfairly left out of the current system.  We will offer colleges the opportunity to host these games, and will cover 200% of their overhead costs.

HM: 200%?

Source: Yep. Fannie Mae is running the funding. Our goal is also to get colleges to opt out of big expensive BCS bowls for more politically correct public bowls. We certainly won’t force them to do this though, after all, this isn’t a Bolshevik plot or anything.  They can keep their current “greed bowls” if they want, but there may be steep fines involved.

HM: Wow…that sounds eerily familiar…

Source: It really is some of Obama’s finest work.  It will be the first real competition in the NCAA since the BCS started their monopoly. You know what BCS stands for don’t you?

HM: No, what?

Source: (laughing) Banks Control Sports!  BCS…get it?  The plan is to use our unfair government advantage to compete fairly with these greedy profiteers and run their butts out of the bowl business.  We figure in 5 years, the government will run all the bowl games in the country and then, finally, every team will be covered.  It really is an ingenious plan.

HM: You must forgive my skepticism here, but this sounds like a very expensive proposition.

Source: Oh it really is. It might even prove to be more expensive than health care…if we do it right that is.

HM: Well how will the government get their money back?

Source: Simple, we will just add it to Obama’s proposed bank tax.  I mean, we are already charging the banks for the AIG, GM, and Chrysler bailouts, why not add a few bowl games on the bill as well?  They won’t even notice. It really makes sense when you consider the fact that they are the ones who caused this mess.

HM: So what is the benefit to the taxpayers?

Source: What was the benefit of the health care bill?

HM: Sorry I asked…

Source: There will be some real benefits with the President’s plan though.

HM: For instance?

Source: Well first, instead of using bowl names as gratuitous advertizing opportunities, we will use them to remind Americans of Obama’s vision.  There will be a Death to CEOs Bowl, a Banks Really Suck Bowl, a Unionize America Now Bowl, and a Fifteen Percent of Americans Have No Health Care Bowl.  I know that the last name is kind of long, but the message is really strong don’t you think?

HM: What will you do to the traditional bowl names when they eventually cross over to the public option?

Source: Great question. We are already planning ahead for that, and have mapped a series of new names to these bowls as well.  We will change the GMAC Bowl to the UAW Bowl, the Chick-Fil-A Bowl to the Zero Transfat Bowl, and the Gator Bowl to the Gays in the Navy Bowl.  We have also proposed changing the name of the Fiesta Bowl to the Immigration Reform Bowl.  It really is a great marketing vehicle for Obama’s policies don’t you think?

HM: Are you going to rename the Texas Bowl in Houston?

Source: Oh, that’s a good one. It will be the “Bush’s Fault Bowl.”  Isn’t that fantastic? Obama thought of that one himself.

HM: So is that the only benefit of this plan; new catchy names?

Source: Absolutely not.  We already have much bigger plans in the works.  I could get fired if I told you this, but do you know that high speed train between Orlando and Tampa that Obama approved?

HM: Sure, he mentioned it in his speech last Wednesday.

Source: (leaning in and whispering) Well, do you think it is just a coincidence that it connects the Outback Bowl with the Capital One Bowl?

HM: (perplexed) Well no, I…

Source: Yep. They have already cut a deal to shift over to the public option in 2011.  It is all a part of Obama’s greater plan.  Just think about it. In a couple of years fans will be able to watch the Vegan Bowl in Tampa, and then rocket over to Orlando at 200 miles per hour to see the Capitol Run Bowl the very next day. Soon Obama will have a network of high speed trains connecting all the public bowl games together.  Obama feels strongly that both really fast trains and bowl reform are critical to our nation’s recovery, and this is an ingenious way to get both in one shot. That, my friend, is why he is President and we are not.

HM: Well, I must admit, this will bring sweeping change to the college bowl system.  When will this bill hit the floor for debate?

Source: Oh don’t worry; Obama has given his pledge to televise it all on C-SPAN.

HM: So his ultimate goal is to have every Division I team receive a bowl game bid at the end of the season?

Source: That is really it in a nutshell.  Obama is really tired of all the fat cat CEOs getting all the bowls and the poorer teams getting nothing.  Tell me, when was the last time you saw Wofford College in the Rose Bowl?

HM: (baffled) They were 3 and 8 this past season. Furman beat them for crying out loud!  Who the heck would want to see them in the Rose Bowl?

Source: (look of disgust) Racist.

HM: (shocked) Excuse me?

Source: (indignantly) You may be interested to know that displays of hate will be punishable by 5 years in prison, and a 25-yard penalty in public bowl games…

At the conclusion of the interview, our White House source provided us with an unofficial list of prospective names for some of the new public bowl games:  Under Obama’s plan, the 137 new bowls will include the Close Gitmo Bowl, the Cap-N-Trade Bowl, the Union Freebie Bowl, the Che Guevara Wasn’t So Bad Bowl, and the Jeremiah Got It Wright Bowl.  As revolutionary as this plan would be however, it is not without problems. Orlando Florida, for example, hosts both the Capital One Bowl and the Champs Sports Bowl at same complex. This will make building the high speed train link between the two bowls somewhat problematic.  Democrat proponents of the train insist, however, that a track circling the stadium will allow the train to reach speeds close to 80 miles an hour without derailing.    More on the “Bowl Bill” as it develops.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Head Muscle Press means absolutely no disrespect to Wofford College, its students, or staff.  Wofford is a fine institution of higher learning and is a credit to the American college and university system.  You cannot help it if you stink at football.  See you at the Rose Bowl in 2011.

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A Thank You Letter to Massachusetts

Dear Voters of Massachusetts,

On April 19, 1775 the very first official shots of the American Revolutionary War were fired in Middlesex County, Massachusetts. At the North Bridge in Concord, a ragtag group of a few hundred militiamen decisively defeated three companies of British Regulars. This battle, though minor in scope, served as proof to the young 13 colonies that the British Empire could, in fact, be defeated.  It gave courage and resolve to our leaders, and inspired everyone who dreamed of freedom and self-determination.  It would also inspire Ralph Waldo Emerson to write his famous “Concord Hymn” in which he coins a popular phrase:

“By the rude bridge that arched the flood,

Their flag to April’s breeze unfurled;

Here once the embattled farmers stood,

And fired the shot heard ’round the world.”

This shot would not only resonate across the 13 colonies, but across the Atlantic Ocean to the British Empire and Europe as well. It was the opening salvo of a revolution that would give birth to a democracy of “free citizens” the likes of which the world had never seen.  Instead of power, subjugation, monarchy, and privilege it would be built upon ideals such as human rights, dignity, the rule of law, and freedom.  It was a shot that changed the world forever, and it all started with a handful of dedicated Massachusetts farmers. Today, every American owes a debt of gratitude to these fearless men who stood their ground and ultimately defeated an oppressive empire.

Once again, 234 years later, our nation owes a new debt of gratitude to you, the people of Massachusetts, for firing another shot heard ’round the world.  Not with muskets this time, but with your ballots.  Once again you have stood your ground at the North Bridge and refused to be ruled by an oppressive government.  Though the odds were firmly set against you, you refused to accept the condescending rule of the Democrat Party and asserted your independence in a way that shocked our government and inspired your fellow Americans.  Because of your bold action, Tuesday 19 January, 2010 could well go down in history as the beginning of nothing less than a new American Revolution.   It will be a revolution based on concepts such as individual freedom, conservative principles, lower taxes, less spending, and smaller government.  Even more importantly though, in just one day, you were able to accomplish what our conservative leadership in DC has not been able to achieve.  You reminded the Obama Administration just exactly who they work for….We The People. Though it is without question that they won by popular vote, this past Tuesday should serve as a harsh reminder to them however, that a government cannot alienate over half of its citizenry and hope to prevail.

It is difficult to recall a point in our history when the election of just one senator had such a profound impact on our nation.  Think about it.  This one election has stopped the government dead in its tracks. The election of Scott Brown has effectively stopped the health care bill,  killed cap-and-trade, eliminated any attempt at passing the fairness doctrine, and may just improve our national security.  His election has stripped the Democrat Party of their monopoly of power and has, in effect, given them  the good rigorous spanking they so richly deserved.  Over the past two days since his election, we have seen our Democrat leadership stare into the headlights of the oncoming rebellion like timid deer unsure of whether to run or freeze in place and accept death.  We have seen the President scramble to find a new message that might help him regain his populist appeal, and Democrats in both houses head for the hills in an attempt to protect their jobs.  This little state of proud Americans has sent a message to our bloated, power hungry, money crazy government that their days are numbered and that, no matter how powerful that they think they are, the American voter is still stronger.

So to the independents and conservatives of Massachusetts who, once again, have lit the powder keg of revolution, Head Muscle would like to say thank you on behalf of freedom loving Americans everywhere.  You have inspired us at a point when many had lost hope. You have reminded us, by your action, that our democracy is stronger than any sitting government.  You have taken on the task of fixing what our leadership could not and, in doing so, have done nothing less that reshape the political landscape of our nation. You have lowered our taxes, protected us from run away spending, and saved us all from a tragic health care takeover that would have crippled our economy. Though you were an unexpected hero, in hindsight it is no surprise that you rose to the occasion. That is what Massachusetts does.  Thank you most sincerely.

Finally, it is also important to remember that the shots fired at the North Bridge, though great in their implication, were just the first shots of the revolution.  In order for the colonies to achieve their freedom from the crown, they had fight tirelessly against the odds for years to come.  Just like then, it is now the responsibility of every American conservative and independent to carry the banner from Massachusetts to their own states.  It is our responsibility to keep the message strong and the passions high.  We have to finish what our brothers and sisters in Massachusetts have started or the new revolution will most certainly fail under the weight of our opponents.  We have an opportunity to seize the initiative and reclaim our government in the name of the principles that made our nation the greatest in history.  The struggle has decidedly turned in our favor, and we must lead the charge to the next battle – the 2010 general election.  So, thank you Massachusetts for reminding us that we are in charge of this nation, not Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, or the UAW. Thanks for standing your ground at the North Bridge once again. It is now time for the rest of us to stand with you.

Sincerely,

Head Muscle

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