Head Muscle Press (3 November, 2011) – Head Muscle has learned that Mr. Harold Nodderman from Bayfield Wisconsin and his wife Elma are offended that they have yet to be sexually harassed by a politician. “It really is disappointing,” Nodderman told Head Muscle in an exclusive interview. “With all the harassment going on these days, it is not fair that we are being left out…it’s discrimination at its very worst.” According to Mr. Nodderman neither he nor his wife have received a single inappropriate sexual remark from either party, and they are starting to lose their patience. “Ever since Politico broke the big story on Herman Cain, we have been anxiously awaiting some type of offensive remark from someone…anyone,” Nodderman explained. “Elma has been sitting by the phone for the last three days and is really frustrated. I am not sure how much longer she can wait.” A complete transcript of our interview with Mr. Nodderman follows:
HM: So, Mr. Nodderman I am curious, why are you “disappointed” that no one has sexually harassed you?
Nodd: Well first of all I am a taxpayer, and if my political leaders are going to spend my money being sexually inappropriate, by God I want my share!
HM: (Pausing) I see…so you are feeling cheated?
Nodd: (Angrily) You’re darn tootin’ we do! We work until May of every year to just pay our taxes and Mr. Obama is asking us to pay even more. It seems like the least that they could do is give us a naughty call!
HM: (Curiously) So you want your money’s worth…of harassment.
Nodd: Look, I would rather have more jobs, a better economy, real tax reform, a home that is worth something, and gasoline below four dollars a gallon but none of that seems to be in the works…so we will take a little inappropriate sexy talk.
HM: (Bewildered) Okay, but wouldn’t that be demeaning and insulting?
Nodd: (Rolling eyes) Ya think? You know it is called sexual “harassment…”
HM: (Confused) But why would you want to be sexually harassed?
Nodd: (Exasperated) Have you not watched the news even once since Bill Clinton was elected? There is big money in being harassed! Book deals…the works! I figure I can even get Elma on The View if it is bad enough. She would love that…
HM: The View?
Nodd: (Leaning forward and whispering) I would take something simple like a heavy breathing call from Biden or Weiner in a pinch, but we would really prefer something from the GOP.
HM: Why the GOP?
Nodd: Well they just seem…kinda…you know…safer.
HM: (Lost) Sorry, but I don’t understand.
Nodd: Well you know…when they’re inappropriate, they don’t really mean it. Most of the time they are just trying to be nice to someone with an agenda, and before they know it the press is off and running. Elma thinks Mitt is cute too. I mean how freaky could he be…really. But the Dems…oh man….they’re kind of scary.
HM: What do you mean by “scary?”
Nodd: (Sighing heavily) C’mon….Barney Frank! Really?
HM: (Nodding) Okay, I think I am following.
Nodd: I mean he just might show up at the door one evening with a jug of body oil or something…(shivers) spooky. You just can’t tell with them…
HM: I see.
Nodd: (Shrugging indifferently) Well…it doesn’t really matter anyway. I have a back-up plan.
HM: (Curiously) Oh really? What might that be?
Nodd: Well I figure that I will just have Elna call Politico and tell them that Herman harassed her too. That should at least get her on Anderson Cooper.
HM: (Appauled) But it would be a lie!
Nodd: Of course it would be, but based on the latest allegations against Herman Cain, proof does not seem to be a requirement for the press…hey you think we would get to meet Arianna Huffington? She’s smokin’ hot….mmmmm….mmmmm!
HM: Well that seems a bit inappropriate to say…
Nodd: (Laughing) Yeah well, someone needs to teach you the difference between harassment and sarcasm…
With that, the phone rang and our Head Muscle correspondent was forced to conclude the interview prematurely. We had many more questions for Mr. Nodderman but apparently John Edwards had called to moan and pant.