Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990’s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

<<DEVELOPING>>

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Wisconsin Couple Still Not Sexually Harassed

Head Muscle Press (3 November, 2011) – Head Muscle has learned that Mr. Harold Nodderman from Bayfield Wisconsin and his wife Elma are offended that they have yet to be sexually harassed by a politician. “It really is disappointing,” Nodderman told Head Muscle in an exclusive interview. “With all the harassment going on these days, it is not fair that we are being left out…it’s discrimination at its very worst.”  According to Mr. Nodderman neither he nor his wife have received a single inappropriate sexual remark from either party, and they are starting to lose their patience. “Ever since Politico broke the big story on Herman Cain, we have been anxiously awaiting some type of offensive remark from someone…anyone,” Nodderman explained. “Elma has been sitting by the phone for the last three days and is really frustrated. I am not sure how much longer she can wait.”  A complete transcript of our interview with Mr. Nodderman follows:

HM: So, Mr. Nodderman I am curious, why are you “disappointed” that no one has sexually harassed you?

Nodd: Well first of all I am a taxpayer, and if my political leaders are going to spend my money being sexually inappropriate, by God I want my share!

HM: (Pausing) I see…so you are feeling cheated?

Nodd: (Angrily) You’re darn tootin’ we do! We work until May of every year to just pay our taxes and Mr. Obama is asking us to pay even more.  It seems like the least that they could do is give us a naughty call!

HM: (Curiously) So you want your money’s worth…of harassment.

Nodd: Look, I would rather have more jobs, a better economy, real tax reform,  a home that is worth something, and gasoline below four dollars a gallon but none of that seems to be in the works…so we will take a little inappropriate sexy talk.

HM: (Bewildered)  Okay, but wouldn’t that be demeaning and insulting?

Nodd: (Rolling eyes) Ya think?  You know it is called sexual “harassment…”

HM: (Confused) But why would you want to be sexually harassed?

Nodd: (Exasperated) Have you not watched the news even once since Bill Clinton was elected? There is big money in being harassed! Book deals…the works!  I figure I can even get Elma on The View if it is bad enough. She would love that…

HM: The View?

Nodd: (Leaning forward and whispering) I would take something simple like a heavy breathing call from Biden or Weiner in a pinch, but we would really prefer something from the GOP.

HM:  Why the GOP?

Nodd: Well they just seem…kinda…you know…safer.

HM: (Lost) Sorry, but I don’t understand.

Nodd: Well you know…when they’re inappropriate, they don’t really mean it.  Most of the time they are just trying to be nice to someone with an agenda, and before they know it the press is off and running. Elma thinks Mitt is cute too. I mean how freaky could he be…really.  But the Dems…oh man….they’re kind of scary.

HM: What do you mean by “scary?”

Nodd: (Sighing heavily) C’mon….Barney Frank!  Really?

HM: (Nodding) Okay, I think I am following.

Nodd: I mean he just might show up at the door one evening with a jug of body oil or something…(shivers) spooky. You just can’t tell with them…

HM: I see.

Nodd: (Shrugging indifferently) Well…it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I have a back-up plan.

HM: (Curiously) Oh really? What might that be?

Nodd: Well I figure that I will just have Elna call Politico and tell them that Herman harassed her too. That should at least get her on Anderson Cooper.

HM: (Appauled) But it would be a lie!

Nodd: Of course it would be, but based on the latest allegations against Herman Cain, proof does not seem to be a requirement for the press…hey you think we would get to meet Arianna Huffington? She’s smokin’ hot….mmmmm….mmmmm!

HM: Well that seems a bit inappropriate to say…

Nodd: (Laughing) Yeah well, someone needs to teach you the difference between harassment and sarcasm…

With that, the phone rang and our Head Muscle correspondent was forced to conclude the interview prematurely.  We had many more questions for Mr. Nodderman but apparently John Edwards had called to moan and pant.

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The Power of Belief

In the latest Fox News Poll Herman Cain has surged to the number one position, and he is even starting to edge in front of the GOP’s favorite son Mitt Romney in Iowa.  Now just a few weeks ago, this scenario would have been inconceivable to almost everyone…except maybe Herman.

There are many things that fascinate me about the Cain phenomena. He is frank, clear on his positions, firm in his refusal to take cheap shots at his opponents, and an electrifying speaker. He is fresh, non-political, and genuinely honest about areas in which he will need to develop his expertise.  As refreshing as all this is however, it is his “belief” in the possible that is most fascinating.

Herman Cain truly believes that he can be President of the United States of America! Even though the odds have been strongly stacked against him, he has remained steadfastly in the fight, winking wryly at all his detractors. He has a vision for this nation and truly believes that he can beat the odds and win!

Now some people may confuse this belief with ego.  Yes…I am sure Mr. Cain is an extremely confident person and requires little self-esteem counseling, but what we see in him is not the typical self-promoting narcissism of the average politician. To the contrary, it is a genuine, almost selfless, belief in America.

When I look at the other candidates I am overwhelmed with the impression that they feel that they “should” be President.  When I listen to Romney I hear a smoothly polished politician who sees the White House as his next achievement.  It is almost as if he is more focused on the office than the objective. To the contrary, when I look at Cain I see a certain innocent, yet determined, optimism that I have not seen since Ronald Reagan.  It is an optimism unblemished by years of political gamesmanship and compromise.  It is the look of someone who sees the Presidency as the means…not the ends.  He is not being driven by an office, but by a vision for America – and it is powerful.

Like Reagan, Cain believes in the boundless potential of our nation and its people, and this is what is driving him forward against the odds.  He is not bound by the limitations and labels that others have placed upon him, and the American people are taking notice by the millions.  Make no mistake, Herman Cain is not surging in the polls because he is perfect. He is rising is the polls because he truly believes in what “we the people” can do..not the government, and this belief is giving Americans a new type of hope – hope in themselves.

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Cain Is Most Able

Many of my more faithful readers will know that there has not been much activity on Head Muscle the past several months.  The reason for this simple…I lost my energy.  Political blogs are a great thing, but sometimes it seems that one gets in a rut of just regurgitating the same old objections and hearing the same tired arguments.  The plain truth is, I got to a point where I felt as if I was putting more into it than I was getting out of it.

Now don’t get me wrong….this has absolutely nothing to do with my fine and able companions out there in the blogosphere.  My fellow bloggers have towed the line nobly and continue to do so with exacting precision and insight.  All that said however, watching our great nation literally collapse under the misguided vision of our current administration was so emotionally draining, I just lost my steam. The furnace went cold.

When the debates started a few months ago I watched ambivalently as the usual suspects  Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Ron (the kook) Paul, took the stage.  “Wasn’t this the group of folks that lost to Obama the first time?” I could not help but think.  Then this fellow named Herman Cain started talking, and he really got my attention.  Here was a business man with no real political experience making everyone else on stage sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher…wah wah wah wah…you know what I mean.  When I finished watching the first debate I visited his website at Herman Cain for President and really started to dig into who this guy was.  Needless to say I liked what I read, and have since become an ardent Herman Cain supporter.

Over the last several months I have been trying to figure out what to do with Head Muscle.  I still did not have the zeal to jump back into the political issue du jour, but felt that there was still something productive I could do with it.  When Mr. Cain won the Florida straw poll this past week, I knew without a doubt that Head Muscle had a new calling.

Ladies and gentlemen make no mistake about it; our nation is in the middle of a revolution. It is not violent one, but it is a revolution nonetheless.  Our current administration is presiding over the worst economy since the great depression and they are zealously digging the hole deeper. We have anarchists trying to shut down Wall Street, Michael Moore threatening violence, and a stock market in a state of fiscal schizophrenia. In the midst of all this mayhem, our illustrious leader is helping out by blaming everyone’s misfortune on the rich!  Put plainly…we as a nation are in deep kimchi.

So I have decided that instead of letting Head Muscle fade away, I am going to devote it for the foreseeable future to promoting the one person that I believe has the experience, common sense, moral character, and clarity of vision necessary to pull this great nation out of the quicksand. I truly believe that the perilous times we find ourselves in call for a leader and a visionary the likes of Mr. Cain. We need someone who will embrace the free market principles that  made this the greatest country on earth; someone who believes in American exceptionalism and will not settle for making us less that what we are.  We need someone who can carry Ronald Reagan’s dream of  “a shining city on a hill” to its final realization without apologizing or looking back.  When I look at Romney, Perry, Paul, Bachmann, and Gingrich all I see is politics as usual…and these are not usual times.

Now I grant you that Herman Cain has little experience in the political world. In fact he has never even held a major political office. This lack of political experience is an incontrovertible fact.  I would remind you however…as Herman himself noted…that it has been the “seasoned” politicians that have driven us into the wall at full speed?  Yes my friends, we need a change…real change….and his name is Herman Cain.

Please check into Head Muscle regularly for much more insight on the Cain campaign, and don’t forget to go to the Cain for President website yourself and read about the man firsthand.  I would also like to urge all of my fellow bloggers to become active in the Cain campaign. You can check out our Twitter feed @blogforCain for up to the moment updates,  and please consider linking Head Muscle to your sites. I would also like to add as many links as I can to the sites of fellow Cain supporters, so please leave me your URL in a comment. Our goal is to start a grass roots network of blogs all working together to help our nation realize Herman Cain’s vision.

If you think Romney and Perry have things all locked up, let me remind you that folks were saying the very same thing about Hillary back in 2007. If Obama could do it…so Cain we!

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Palin Platter Politics

There is no graceful way of saying this , so I am just going to come right out with it.  I have a problem with Sarah Palin.  The fact is, politically speaking, I have had a problem with her for quite a while.   Let me be clear however, it has nothing to do with her intelligence, her personality, or her gender.  It is actually hard to explain. Each time I hear her speak, I am impressed by her candor, I laugh at her wry jabs at the President, and agree with almost every political position she espouses. Yet, for some reason, when she is done I walk away wanting something more. Many times I have tried to jump aboard the Palin Train like so many of my like-minded friends, but something in my gut keeps telling me to stay clear of the tracks.  The most frustrating part of it though, is that I have never been able to stick a pin into the source of my angst. Not until today that is…

Having only a half hour for lunch between meetings today, I dove into a local diner for a fast bite to eat.  I am a regular at this place, and love their home cooked specials. The owner is a fairly outspoken conservative, and will happily offer his opinions to you if you even look like you might be of a left leaning persuasion.  He is a big burly fellow who smells of recycled french fry grease, and regularly tears the fingers out of his food prep gloves so that he can poke your food to feel if it is ready.  His self-described ‘grub’  is so tasty however,  that both sides of the aisle brave his political monologues, as well as the ever present threat of Hepatitis A,  to eat lunch there. For the purpose of this post, I will call him Bob, because…well…that is his name.  Every day Bob comes up with a new lunch special for $7.99, gives it a catchy (usually political) name, and posts it on a marker board by the counter.  It is usually something brown that has been slow cooked in a large pot all morning,  and is inexplicably delicious.  Today when I walked in, hoping for his famous Irish Stew, I gazed at the board to see:

The saliva ducts in my mouth went into overdrive. I had been running on nothing but coffee for most of the morning, and the thought of ground beef smothered in juicy caramelized onions and rich brown gravy was simply too much to bear.  As delicious as it sounded however, I just could not connect the special’s name to its contents.  I thought about it without revelation as I stood in line to order and, by the time it was my turn at the register, I had given up on all but my most primal eating instincts.  I nodded to Bob, flipped him a 10 dollar bill, and ordered a Palin Platter of my very own.  Speed is the name of the game with Bob’s lunch specials, so no sooner had I found a place at the counter to sit, than my steaming hot plate of gravy soaked sirloin appeared before me.  True to form, it was absolutely delicious.  I wolfed my meal down in about 7 minutes, dropped some change on the counter, and headed for the door.  As I exited, Bob was standing outside talking to some other lunch patrons.  “How did you like the special?” he inquired as I passed by.  “It was great,” I lauded, “best lunch plate in town.”    He smiled and began to say thanks, but I cut him off. “What I don’t understand is how you came up with the name,”I mused.  “How in the heck did you think up Palin Platter?”

At that moment, Bob’s entire demeanor changed.  His smile dropped into an intense glare, he looked around to ensure no one else was within earshot,  and leaned toward me as if he were about to tell me a dirty joke he had just heard.

“Did it taste good? he ask.

“Absolutely. It was delicious.”

“When you were done did you want more?”

“Yeah, I could have had a little more meat.”

“All in all, was it anything that special?”

I paused for a moment, “well not really.”

Bob’s smile reappeared instantly. He threw his head back and started laughing.  “You got it my friend!”

“Got what?” I queried in confusion.

“You got something that tasted good, left you wanting more, and wasn’t anything very special!…A Palin Platter!”

With that,  Bob slapped me on the back and headed into the diner.  I could still hear him laughing as the door clicked shut.  At that moment I realized why Bob was so amused.  He had just fed me a steaming hot plate of onion smothered political satire for lunch….and I had eaten it up.  It was truly brilliant. With each plate of hamburger, he was not only dishing out a tasty meal, but an essay on the perils conservative populism as well.  He had also unwittingly helped me to pinpoint my problem with Sarah. She sounds good, but leaves you wanting more and, at the end of the day, she really isn’t anything too special.

Now I know that this last statement is going cause blood vessels to burst in some of your eyes, but hear me out.  We are at a time in our nation’s history when, more than ever before, we need a conservative leader that will not only inspire us, but lead us back to greatness.  We need an Abraham Lincoln, a Ronald Reagan, or a Maggie Thatcher to stand before a broken party and knit it back together with vision, resolve, and courage.  We need someone who will unify the base, reestablish a conservative agenda, and restore hope for all who believe in freedom and self-determination.   Now, do you really see Sarah Palin filling those shoes?  As much as I would like to, I most certainly do not.    She is intelligent, driven, articulate, and funny but, in the end, she seems to be little more than populist ground beef.  To put her into the White House would be settling for a hamburger when our nation desperately needs a steak.

For those of you who are yelling angrily at your monitor and trying to decide how many points to refute in your comment, let me suggest that you are ‘really’ angry about two things.  First, you understandably like Sarah because she is so refreshing and delicious, and second…you know I am right.  In fact, I will dig my hole just a bit deeper by suggesting that, if we do not release the notion of her becoming  President very soon, it may spell the complete demise of the Republican ticket in 2012.   The zeal that so many have for her could backfire, fracturing Conservatives into Tea Partiers and Republicans, and all but ensuring a 2012 loss.  This would not only be devastating to our party for years to come, but to our country as well. “Oh, but Sarah would never let that happen,” you protest. “She would never let the Conservative movement implode so horrendously.”  I would like to think this as well but, the truth of the matter is, it may not even be up to her.   If the Tea Partiers, who she so readily feeds, decide that her brand of hamburger conservative populism is what they are looking for, then even she may not be able to stop the rush to a third party.  Mainstream moderate Republicans would then be forced to nominate their own candidate and, instead of hamburger, we will all be eating snake for another four years. You can tell yourself, that this could never happen, but are you willing to bet your country on it?  I’m not.

The bottom line: We need to get past the idea of President Palin and start finding a ‘Presidential’  leader without delay. If we do not, this great Conservative march we are seeing may well be headed for a cliff.  We need someone who will forgo the nicely packaged political bromides that have become so popular, and offer up an unabashedly conservative vision for our nation. We need someone who will command the world stage, earn the trust of our friends, and instill fear in the hearts of our enemies.  Ronald Reagan, God rest his immortal soul, is dead and will likely remain so for the foreseeable  future. We cannot have him back, but we sure as hell had better find someone who can fill his shoes and, once again, it just isn’t Sarah…admit it.   Sarah most certainly has a vital role to play in the GOP but, no matter how tasty, Palin Platter politics will most assuredly leave Americans wanting something more.

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