Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990’s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

<<DEVELOPING>>

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance

Wisconsin Couple Still Not Sexually Harassed

Head Muscle Press (3 November, 2011) – Head Muscle has learned that Mr. Harold Nodderman from Bayfield Wisconsin and his wife Elma are offended that they have yet to be sexually harassed by a politician. “It really is disappointing,” Nodderman told Head Muscle in an exclusive interview. “With all the harassment going on these days, it is not fair that we are being left out…it’s discrimination at its very worst.”  According to Mr. Nodderman neither he nor his wife have received a single inappropriate sexual remark from either party, and they are starting to lose their patience. “Ever since Politico broke the big story on Herman Cain, we have been anxiously awaiting some type of offensive remark from someone…anyone,” Nodderman explained. “Elma has been sitting by the phone for the last three days and is really frustrated. I am not sure how much longer she can wait.”  A complete transcript of our interview with Mr. Nodderman follows:

HM: So, Mr. Nodderman I am curious, why are you “disappointed” that no one has sexually harassed you?

Nodd: Well first of all I am a taxpayer, and if my political leaders are going to spend my money being sexually inappropriate, by God I want my share!

HM: (Pausing) I see…so you are feeling cheated?

Nodd: (Angrily) You’re darn tootin’ we do! We work until May of every year to just pay our taxes and Mr. Obama is asking us to pay even more.  It seems like the least that they could do is give us a naughty call!

HM: (Curiously) So you want your money’s worth…of harassment.

Nodd: Look, I would rather have more jobs, a better economy, real tax reform,  a home that is worth something, and gasoline below four dollars a gallon but none of that seems to be in the works…so we will take a little inappropriate sexy talk.

HM: (Bewildered)  Okay, but wouldn’t that be demeaning and insulting?

Nodd: (Rolling eyes) Ya think?  You know it is called sexual “harassment…”

HM: (Confused) But why would you want to be sexually harassed?

Nodd: (Exasperated) Have you not watched the news even once since Bill Clinton was elected? There is big money in being harassed! Book deals…the works!  I figure I can even get Elma on The View if it is bad enough. She would love that…

HM: The View?

Nodd: (Leaning forward and whispering) I would take something simple like a heavy breathing call from Biden or Weiner in a pinch, but we would really prefer something from the GOP.

HM:  Why the GOP?

Nodd: Well they just seem…kinda…you know…safer.

HM: (Lost) Sorry, but I don’t understand.

Nodd: Well you know…when they’re inappropriate, they don’t really mean it.  Most of the time they are just trying to be nice to someone with an agenda, and before they know it the press is off and running. Elma thinks Mitt is cute too. I mean how freaky could he be…really.  But the Dems…oh man….they’re kind of scary.

HM: What do you mean by “scary?”

Nodd: (Sighing heavily) C’mon….Barney Frank!  Really?

HM: (Nodding) Okay, I think I am following.

Nodd: I mean he just might show up at the door one evening with a jug of body oil or something…(shivers) spooky. You just can’t tell with them…

HM: I see.

Nodd: (Shrugging indifferently) Well…it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I have a back-up plan.

HM: (Curiously) Oh really? What might that be?

Nodd: Well I figure that I will just have Elna call Politico and tell them that Herman harassed her too. That should at least get her on Anderson Cooper.

HM: (Appauled) But it would be a lie!

Nodd: Of course it would be, but based on the latest allegations against Herman Cain, proof does not seem to be a requirement for the press…hey you think we would get to meet Arianna Huffington? She’s smokin’ hot….mmmmm….mmmmm!

HM: Well that seems a bit inappropriate to say…

Nodd: (Laughing) Yeah well, someone needs to teach you the difference between harassment and sarcasm…

With that, the phone rang and our Head Muscle correspondent was forced to conclude the interview prematurely.  We had many more questions for Mr. Nodderman but apparently John Edwards had called to moan and pant.

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance

Head Muscle Head Lines

Obama Uses Stimulus Funds to Stop Oil Leak

HM Press –This afternoon, a spokesperson for the Obama administration announced that the President will use $500 billion in stimulus dollars to plug the gulf oil leak.   According to the spokesperson, British Petroleum will begin pumping the currency into the hole later this week.   He noted that small denominations will used to maximize the volume.  When queried about the logic of such a move, the spokesperson quipped, “well, after seeing how much good pumping these dollars into the economy did, President Obama feels like this is the next best alternative.”

EPA Announces New “Hybrids for Hobos” Program

HM Press – EPA Administrator, Lisa P. Jackson, unveiled a new plan this week to provide government funded Hybrids to vagrants and panhandlers. “This landmark plan will not only stimulate the automobile industry, it will also help our homeless become more environmentally conscious,” Ms. Jackson noted. “Everyone knows that we will never solve the homeless problem in this country until we first get carbon emissions under control…so this initiative just makes good common sense.” Critics of the plan note that, unless the program also covers undocumented immigrants, it will only solve part of the problem.

Vice President Biden Unloads on Second Grader

HM Press – In yet another public slip of the tongue, VP Joe Biden accused a second grader of being a “ little smart a**” during an elementary school visit and photo opportunity today.  Apparently the young boy raised his hand and asked the VP why the government had not yet found his daddy a new job.  According to witnesses, Biden’s demeanor changed instantly, and he turned and asked the child’s teacher, “who the little smart a**was.”  Before the teacher could respond however, he turned back to the assembled group of second graders and announced that he would not take anymore questions from a bunch of junior smart a**es, and then headed for the door.  As he stomped out of the classroom, witnesses noted that they heard him mumbling something about frozen custard. <<DEVELOPING>>

Janet Napolitano Announces Border Ballot Initiative

HM Press- Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano announced last week that ballot boxes would be installed on the Mexican side of the border fence in preparation for the 2010 election.  “Now undocumented immigrants will be able to vote without the inconvenience of sneaking into the country first,” she told a room of correspondents.  Under the plan, ballots will be inserted into the boxes on the south side of the border and retrieved through an access door on the north side.  She also noted that, in areas where there was no wall, National Guard troops would be used to hold the boxes on election day.

Obama Caught Referring to Biden as “Fredo”

HM Press – After his speech on immigration, Obama was caught by a hot mike asking one of his staffers where Fredo was.  After being cornered by our HM reporter on the scene, a staffer conceded that the term ‘Fredo’ was used to refer to the Vice President.   He emphasized however, that the President meant nothing derogatory by the label and had the utmost of respect for the VP.   Biden released a statement later in the day in response to the President’s slip which stated simply:

“I’m smart. I’m not like they say I am!  I can do things….”

No apologies have been released from the White House as of yet, but rumor has it that Rahm Emanuel is scheduled to take the Vice President fishing later today.

One Person Still Reportedly Supports Obama’s Economic Plan

HM Exclusive – After an exhaustive global search, Head Muscle Press has been able to locate one person that still supports President Obama’s economic recovery plan.  “I am very happy with his direction,” Obama’s final hold-out supporter noted to HM reporters.  “He has achieved in 18 months, things what many could only dream of,” he continued.  “I think we can all learn something from his approach.”  Unfortunately, before HM reporters could press him any further Fidel was ushered out of the room by his secret police force to attend a political execution.  <<DEVELOPING>>

Cuba Reelected as UN Human Rights Council Chairman

HM Press – In a stunning announcement last week, the UN General Secretary announced that Cuba would head the UN Human Rights Council (UNHRC) for the next three years.  Cuba’s representative graciously accepted the new role and promised members of the general assembly that, as the chair, Cuba would hold the council and its members to the highest standards. Shortly after accepting the nomination, the Cuban representative  had all other UNHRC members arrested and  executed.

ACLU Demands Affirmative Action for No-Fly List

HM Press – The ACLU is now threatening to sue federal authorities responsible for developing the terrorist no-fly list on the grounds that the list is racially and culturally biased.  According to the ACLU the list contains far too many names of muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40.  “There is still time avoid immediate civil litigation however,” an ACLU spokesperson noted.  “The Department of Homeland Security must immediately modify the list to include names such as Bubba, Joe, Melvin, and Latoya.  Only then will Americans be able fly our nation’s airways free from terrifying grip of political incorrectness.”  <<Developing>>

WordPress.com Political Blogger Alliance

Four Doctors Support Health Care Bill

BREAKING NEWS  – Head Muscle Press (March 4, 2002) In a tightly choreographed media event yesterday, President Barack Obama announced to an eager crowd of supporters that his administration had located four doctors that agreed with his new health care bill.  Speaking with renewed determination, President Obama impugned the hastily assembled crowd to get the bill passed now.  “This is really an exciting moment for us,” one supporter confided.  “We have really been hoping that the medical community would step up to support this bill, and it looks like it has finally happened…I mean…well…at least four of them have.  We have also heard rumors that there is a pharmacist in Rapid City who likes the bill too, but no one has confirmed it yet.” In an attempt to dig a bit deeper,  HM Press caught up with one of Obama’s staffers after the media event. On condition of anonymity,  she agreed to speak with us.  Transcript follows:

HM: This seems to be a big event for the President.

Staffer: Absolutely! He is thrilled.

HM: So, these four doctors actually agree with Obama’s new plan?

Staffer: Yes, they think that this bill is the only way to save our health care system.

HM: But there are only four of them…

Staffer: Only four?  I would say that this is a pretty impressive showing.

HM: but..

Staffer: (breaking in) Let me finish.  We may only have four now, but we think that there are a lot more out there.  Maybe double that number!

HM: So you are saying that there may actually be eight doctors out there that agree with the new bill?

Staffer: Well we cannot say for sure, but some of our analysts think it is possible.  Look, the fact is, there is a silent super minority of doctors out there who are clearly leaning our way –  and we want to find them.

HM: What exactly is a silent super minority?

Staffer: Well we are not sure about that either, but we think it is an important demographic.

HM: How so?

Staffer: Think about it. We are changing one sixth of the US economy to support about seven percent of the population.  Given those numbers, finding four doctors that support this bill is huge!

HM: But polls still show that the vast majority of doctors are against the bill.

Staffer: Not anymore.  In our latest poll, one hundred percent of the doctors surveyed supported it.

HM: Wow, that is impressive who conducted the poll?

Staffer: We did of course!

HM: Oh really, what sample size did you use?

Staffer: That’s beside the point.

HM: No, I think it is important; how big was your sample?

Staffer: Well, quite a few…um…maybe about four I think.

HM: (shocked) So what you are saying is that you only polled the four doctors on stage.

Staffer: Well yes, but it was unanimous….pretty much.

HM: Pretty much?

Staffer: OK, initially one of the doctors was undecided, but Obama was able to change his mind.

HM: How? Did he offer the doctor some type of political position or favor in return for his support?

Staffer: Oh no, Obama will never make that mistake again.

HM: How did he do it then?

Staffer: Cash…I think.

HM: (changing subject)You must forgive my skepticism, but it just seems to me that having four doctors on board is nothing to get excited about.

Staffer: Well, I will admit the stage looked a bit sparse with just four doctors behind the President, but this is only the beginning. Let’s say that our analysis is correct and we can find another four out there somewhere. The ramifications would be huge!

HM: I am sorry, I don’t understand.

Staffer: (rolling eyes) Well a television screen is only so wide.

HM: (confused) Excuse me?

Staffer: (irritated)  OK, work with me here… just imagine if we had eight doctors on stage all bunched up real tight with Obama.   We could almost make the average American believe that our nation’s medical professionals were behind this bill, not just our liberal friends at the DFA and AMA.

HM: So, what you are really saying is that you want to dupe gullible Americans into thinking this bill is a good idea?

Staffer: Well, I would not use the term “dupe” …

HM: What term would you use?

Staffer: I dunno, “creatively manipulate” maybe?  I mean it really is for their own good.  Most Americans are incapable of understanding this bill anyway, and just need to let us pass it.  After all, we know what is good for them; we’re the government!

HM: I see.

Staffer: Well I am very sorry to cut this short, but I need to get back to work.  I only have an hour to get the white coats back to the costume shop…see ya!

At that point, our interview ended as our staffer dashed from the press room.  We are not sure where this all will lead, but one thing is clear.  We have witnessed political theater at its finest and, if successful, we will likely see many such stunts in the future.  Rumors are already circulating that Obama staffers have rented a half dozen polar bear suits for an upcoming climate change conference. <<DEVELOPING>>

WordPress.com PoliticalBlogger Alliance