Head Muscle Press (21 April, 2010) In a clear effort not to have his agenda upstaged by a natural disaster, President Obama held an impromptu press conference this afternoon blaming insurance companies for the eruption in Iceland. “If you ever wondered how low greedy insurance companies would stoop to make a buck,” Obama bellowed to a mesmerized crowd, “just look at the plume of ash behind me.” As Obama spoke, a live picture of the eruption appeared on a giant screen behind his podium. “We have got to stop these greedy companies in their tracks, or God only knows what they will do to us next!” he exclaimed. “If you think this eruption was bad, wait until you see the tidal waves and asteroid strikes they are planning!”
Word from administration insiders is that Obama was ‘extremely upset’ that the disaster had taken up valuable network air time he had planned to use to bash our free enterprise system. Late yesterday, the White House released a memorandum to the press stating that Obama would personally investigate the eruption in Iceland, as well as its suspected ties to AIG, Goldman Sachs, and Wall Street. This afternoon, in a highly choreographed media event, he announced his findings. “After twelve hours of exhaustive investigation,” the President announced, “I have determined that the insurance companies are behind this eruption and, as we speak, are pumping billions of tons of ash and carbon into the air.” The crowd responded with glee chanting, “death to AIG,” and pumping their clenched fists into the air.
Bolstered by their enthusiasm, Obama laid out his case. “Don’t you find it strange that this eruption took place just one month after passing health care reform?” he asked the crowd rhetorically. “We have made it all but impossible for these pirates to provide you quality health care at a profit, so they have set their sights on volcanoes instead!” The crowd, clearly entranced by his brilliance, hung on every word. “Make no mistake about it, they will not rest until each and every one of you are buying their volcano insurance for your home!” he warned. “Once they have Iceland and Europe in their greedy grip, they will continue to cause eruptions around the world until they have recouped every penny I have stolen from them!”
As Obama played the crowd, another plume of ash billowed from the crater behind him. “See what I mean!” he exclaimed. “They are sending you a message right now!” The crowed boo’d and hissed. “Well let me tell you something. They may think that they have us, but no one alive can blow smoke like me, and they have just met their match!” At this point the crowd could not contain themselves, and began cheering wildly and doing something that looked eerily like the electric slide. It was clear to everyone that, with this speech, Obama had established himself as the nation’s first ‘volcano reform’ president.
Obama went on to announce that he would ask Congress to pass an $800 billion package to nationalize the world’s volcanoes and, “wrest them, once and for all, from grip of big insurance.” Under Obama’s plan, taxpayers would foot the $800 billion bill through a VAT, or Volcano Abatement Tax, which would be levied against companies and individuals that promoted, funded, or directly controlled volcanic activity. Though it is unclear exactly who would have to pay this tax, insiders close to Obama have suggested the list would specifically target banks, insurance companies, Wall Street firms, and any individual greedy enough to invest their personal funds with these organizations. It has also been suggested that certain groups might be forced to pay additional penalties for their “reckless promotion” of volcanic activity. These groups could include Jimmy Buffett (for that “Volcano Song”), King Kong, and anyone performing in, directing, producing, or viewing the play South Pacific. Leonard Nimoy could also get hit with a severe penalty for playing a ‘Vulcan,’ which was clearly derived from ‘Vulcanus’ the Roman god of volcano fire. Nimoy has not commented.
According to our source, funds raised from the VAT would be used to develop strict EPA limits on all future volcano eruptions, and to ensure that all Americans are protected from wanton volcanic activity. In his remarks, Obama noted that almost 99.99% of all Americans live day-to-day without volcano insurance, and that this was proof enough that the current system needed a complete overhaul. He pledged that, under this new bill, every American citizen would be guaranteed their constitutional right to free volcano protection. He then concluded his remarks by pledging to have direct talks with any and all third-world volcanoes that showed a willingness to work with the US. So far, volcanoes in Iran, Syria, and North Korea have not responded.
The GOP has been quick to label Obama’s new VAT as just another massive Democrat tax-and-spend sham. In remarks on Fox News, Karl Rove noted that many people who do not have volcano insurance choose not to be covered. He went on to say that Obama is, once again, manufacturing a crisis in order to take away American freedom. Sarah Palin noted that, while Governor of Alaska, she only controlled one volcano and that the problem had been grossly overstated by the Dems. Mitt Romney has remained silent on the issue however, and pundits have speculated it is because the volcano insurance plan he put in place in Massachusetts has been grossly mismanaged. Ron Paul refused to comment on the volcano issue, but took the opportunity to announce that space aliens had been stealing his underwear for several years.<<Developing>>