Man Finds Nancy Pelosi’s Face on Bacon Strip

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Head Muscle Press 27 Jan 2011 – When Mr. Ellis Pollard of Mallard Wisconsin received his Sunrise Special at the Waffle Shop this past Saturday morning, he was startled to find that one of his bacon strips bore the uncanny likeness of Nancy Pelosi (see image below).

“I was absolutely shocked,” Pollard confessed to local reporters.  “There she was, just staring me and grinning.  It was truly miraculous.”  Mr. Ellis went on to explain that he carefully wrapped the slice of salt pork into a napkin and, after inspecting the rest of his meal for Democrats, finished his breakfast and hurried home. “It was really hard to concentrate on the road,” Pollard noted.  “I have always heard stories of people seeing the face of Jesus in rocks and reflections, but this was really something special.”

According to reports, Pollard spent the next few hours studying the image under a magnifying glass to ensure that what he was actually seeing was not a trick of the light. When convinced that the image of Pelosi was real, he took the strip of bacon to a local television station and reported his miraculous finding.  “At first the reporters were skeptical when I told them what I had found, but when I unwrapped the bacon and showed them they were awestruck,” Pollard recounted.

According to Mr. Pollard, over the next couple of days people gazing at the piece of Pelosi pork started to experience miracles.  One unemployed lady allegedly saw the image and, upon returning home,  discovered that her unemployment benefits had been extended a fourth time.  In another account, a committed Tea Partier looked at the image and immediately fell to the ground shouting anti-Palin slogans. The most noteworthy instance occurred when an older gentleman saw the image and started channeling Ted Kennedy. For over 30 minutes he extolled the virtues of the healthcare bill, drank Scotch Whiskey, and blamed the Republicans for setting him up at Chappaquiddick.

Though the DNC has withheld official comment, it is a well known fact around the DC area that this is not the first time images of Democrats have spontaneously appeared on pieces of fatty pork.  In 2006 Martin Emmitt of Shellsburg Idaho produced the now famous “Harry Ham” slice (below), which was purported to make anyone who looked at it pro-labor.

And then more recently during the 2008 presidential campaign, hundreds of mysterious Obama Chops appeared in diners across key swing states that eventually went blue.

“It is kind of like the whole UFO thing,” Cameron Dalton author of the self-published book Conspiracy of Pork’ confided to Head Muscle. “No one wants to admit that this is happening, but you just cannot deny the evidence when it is right there on your sausage patty.” Mr. Dalton is the founder of Conservative Republicans Against Pork Propaganda (CRAPP) and is trying to lift the veil on what he describes as a massive liberal plot to control voters through use of pork stimulation.  “The problem is pervasive,” Dalton warns. “No one really knows how much pork the Democrats actually control. Why there could be thousands of unsuspecting people swallowing this garbage as we speak!” Though CRAPP is small right now, it is gaining a foothold among independents and conservative vegetarians. According to Dalton, liberals plan to flood the American people with more and more pork over the next two years until everyone is hopelessly hooked. In an ominous warning, Dalton pointed out to Head Muscle that the Pelosi image will soon be followed by the most massive DNC pork project to date…Operation Barney Frank.

According to Dalton they have already appeared at the Fannie Mae cafeteria and will likely be passed out to homeowners through thousands of new sub-prime hot dog vendors.  Head Muscle will continue to follow this breaking story as it develops. In the meantime we strongly suggest that Americans everywhere stick to the beef.

<<DEVELOPING>>

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Obama Blames Insurance Companies for Volcano Eruption

Head Muscle Press (21 April, 2010) In a clear effort not to have his agenda upstaged by a natural disaster, President Obama held an impromptu press conference this afternoon blaming insurance companies for the eruption in Iceland.  “If you ever wondered how low greedy insurance companies would stoop to make a buck,” Obama bellowed to a mesmerized crowd, “just look at the plume of ash behind me.”  As Obama spoke, a live picture of the eruption appeared on a giant screen behind his podium.  “We have got to stop these greedy companies in their tracks, or God only knows what they will do to us next!” he exclaimed. “If you think this eruption was bad, wait until you see the tidal waves and asteroid strikes they are planning!”

Word from administration insiders is that Obama was ‘extremely upset’  that the disaster had taken up valuable network air time he had planned to use to bash our free enterprise system.  Late yesterday, the White House released a memorandum to the press stating that Obama would personally investigate the eruption in Iceland, as well as its suspected ties to AIG, Goldman Sachs, and Wall Street.  This afternoon, in a highly choreographed media event, he announced his findings.  “After twelve hours of exhaustive investigation,” the President announced, “I have determined that the insurance companies are behind this eruption and, as we speak, are pumping billions of tons of ash and carbon into the air.”  The crowd responded with glee chanting, “death to AIG,” and pumping their clenched fists into the air.

Bolstered by their enthusiasm, Obama laid out his case.  “Don’t you find it strange that this eruption took place just one month after passing health care reform?” he asked the crowd rhetorically.  “We have made it all but impossible for these pirates to provide you quality health care at a profit, so they have set their sights on volcanoes instead!”  The crowd, clearly entranced by his brilliance, hung on every word.  “Make no mistake about it, they will not rest until each and every one of you are buying their volcano insurance for your home!” he warned.  “Once they have Iceland and Europe in their greedy grip, they will continue to cause eruptions around the world until they have recouped every penny I have stolen from them!”

As Obama played the crowd, another plume of ash billowed from the crater behind him. “See what I mean!” he exclaimed. “They are sending you a message right now!”  The crowed boo’d and hissed.  “Well let me tell you something.  They may think that they have us, but no one alive can blow smoke like me, and they have just met their match!” At this point the crowd could not contain themselves, and began cheering wildly and doing something that looked eerily like the electric slide.   It was clear to everyone that, with this speech, Obama had  established himself as the nation’s first ‘volcano reform’ president.

Obama went on to announce that he would ask Congress to pass an $800 billion package to nationalize the world’s volcanoes and, “wrest them, once and for all, from grip of big insurance.”  Under Obama’s plan, taxpayers would foot the $800 billion bill through a VAT, or Volcano Abatement Tax, which would be levied against companies and individuals that promoted, funded, or directly controlled volcanic activity.  Though it is unclear exactly who would have to pay this tax, insiders close to Obama have suggested the list would specifically target banks, insurance companies, Wall Street firms, and any individual greedy enough to invest their personal funds with these organizations.  It has also been suggested that certain groups might be forced to pay additional penalties for their “reckless promotion” of volcanic activity. These groups could include Jimmy Buffett (for that “Volcano Song”), King Kong, and anyone performing in, directing, producing, or viewing the play South Pacific.  Leonard Nimoy could also get hit with a severe penalty for playing a ‘Vulcan,’ which was clearly derived from ‘Vulcanus’  the Roman god of volcano fire.  Nimoy has not commented.

According to our source, funds raised from the VAT would be used to develop strict EPA limits on all future volcano eruptions, and to ensure that all Americans are protected from wanton volcanic activity.  In his remarks, Obama noted that almost 99.99% of all Americans live day-to-day without volcano insurance, and that this was proof enough that the current system needed a complete overhaul.  He pledged that, under this new bill, every American citizen would be guaranteed their constitutional right to free volcano protection.  He then concluded his remarks by pledging to have direct talks with any and all third-world volcanoes that showed a willingness to work with the US.  So far, volcanoes in Iran, Syria, and North Korea have not responded.

The GOP has been quick to label Obama’s new VAT as just another massive Democrat tax-and-spend sham.  In remarks on Fox News, Karl Rove noted that many people who do not have volcano insurance choose not to be covered. He went on to say that Obama is, once again, manufacturing a crisis in order to take away American freedom. Sarah Palin noted that, while Governor of Alaska, she only controlled one volcano and that the problem had been grossly overstated by the Dems.  Mitt Romney has remained silent on the issue however, and pundits have speculated it is because the volcano insurance plan he put in place in Massachusetts has been grossly mismanaged.   Ron Paul refused to comment on the volcano issue, but took the opportunity to announce that space aliens had been stealing his underwear for several years.<<Developing>>

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Obama Stuck In Press Conference

BREAKING NEWS – Head Muscle Press (26 March, 2010) Head Muscle has just learned that, even though the cameras have been turned off for almost 23 hours, President Obama is still at the podium in the White House Press Gallery speaking. Though the details are still sketchy, sources have told HM news that the President has been speaking continually since his press conference announcing the New START Treaty yesterday morning.  Rumor is that a teleprompter malfunction initially resulted in Obama’s comments being replayed over and over at an increasingly rapid rate.  As his speech regenerated and picked up speed President Obama continued reading apparently oblivious to the problem. “At one point the teleprompter was spinning so fast,” our source confided, ” the Commander in Chief sounded like an angry squirrel.” Attempts to turn off the power to the teleprompter backfired when one of the President’s staffers accidentally pulled the plug to Helen Thomas’ oxygen machine.  The power surge that resulted sent the teleprompter spinning out of control even faster. “It was really scary,” our source shuddered. “Helen’s face puffed up really large and turned dark blue.  She looked like a demonically possessed California Raisin.”

Folks at the scene noted that, after Obama’s 9th or 10th pass through the speech, most of the press corps caught on to what was happening and headed out for lattes. Correspondents from MSNBC stayed behind however, feverishly taking page after page of notes.   “I have never seen people write so fast,” our source mused.  “They were going through one mechanical pencil after another, dropping them all over the floor each time they stood to applaud Obama’s comments.  After a while, it looked like some crazy aerobics class full of over-dressed morons. It was really getting dangerous.”  In an effort to put an end to the crisis, Rahm Emanuel placed a call to the White House electricians to shut power down to the entire building, but unfortunately their new union contract had given them Thursday through Sunday off.

In an effort to get more detail on this unfolding story, HM was able to set up an on the scene interview with our source as he worked to resolve the situation.  Transcript follows:

HM: So, is the President still stuck in the teleprompter loop?

Source: I am afraid so.  It is really a difficult situation.’

HM: Why not just cut the power cord leading to the prompters?

Source: We thought about doing that, but the President’s physician believes that such an abrupt shut down could damage the President’s autonomic nervous system.

HM: How do they know this?

Source: Well, it wasn’t really publicized, but a few years ago we had a similar problem with another person.  He needed the teleprompter even more than Obama, and when we turned it off, it pretty much turned him into a vegetable.

HM: Wow, that is horrible! How is he now?

Source: He’s the Vice President…

HM: Oh, I see… so what is the plan for getting Obama unstuck?

Source: Well, the plan is to slowly bring him down before we break the connection.

HM: How will you do that?

Source: First, we network in a new computer with the speech on it, and then we switch the prompter signal over.  Once we have done that, we will gradually begin slowing the speed of the speech down until we get it to normal.

HM: And then?

Source: Well then we simply start eliminating paragraphs and sentences until we have him down to repeating just a few words over and over.  Something like, “me like Russia….me like Russia…me Russia…” Then we will slowly take him down to nothing but the letter “r.”  Once we have him comfortably r-ing for 10 or 15 minutes, we will stop the prompter and hopefully save most his higher mental functions.

HM: That sounds like a daring plan, what happens if it doesn’t work?

Source: Oh, we have a contingency plan for that as well.  If we cannot break him away from the prompter safely, our plan is just to keep him there.

HM: Excuse me?

Source: Well, it is really pretty ingenious.  You see, Obama has already held more interviews and press conferences in his first year than the last two administrations combined. Hell, you can hardly turn on your television without seeing him talking about…something.  So our plan is to just change his clothes,  feed him new speeches, and keep him going. When we need him, we will just turn the cameras on!  No one will be able to tell that it isn’t business a usual….it ingenious!

HM: What about Michelle and the kids?

Source: Oh they will be able to come in and see him on weekends. We will put some fatherly statements on the prompter like, “Hey girls let’s get a burger,” and “How’s the garden honey?”  We will do our best to make him lifelike.

HM: I see. Well it certainly is a daring plan.

Source: Yep, our only real concern is ensuring the Republicans do not hack into the system.

HM: Is that a threat?

Source: Well last week when health care passed, Biden was just supposed to hug Obama and say, “This is a big deal.”   We even put it on the prompter to ensure he did not mess it up.  After the speech, we looked at the computer and someone had spliced the F-bomb in!

HM: Wow, that is pretty devious. Who do you think did it?

Source: Well we are not sure, but we have heard rumors that Sarah Palin has build a huge satellite-based super computer network and is trying to control Obama’s teleprompters from space. We are thinking that she has been working out the kinks on Biden since the election.  I mean, it could be a real problem!

HM: What would she do?

Source: We could loose control of the President! What if she made him say something nice about insurance companies?  Maybe she would have him admit that the free market is the most powerful economic force on earth!  What if she just had him make animal noises?  It could be a real disaster!  We cannot let it happen.

HM: What about Helen Thomas – is she OK?

Source: Oh Helen? She’s fine, the Bush staffers used to pull her O2 all the time just for fun.  She’s a trooper... Well I have to get back into the press room, it is time for the President’s chap stick.  If I don’t apply it every fifteen minutes his mouth starts smoking.

At that moment our source put on a pair of asbestos gloves and headed back into the room accompanied by two firemen.   Though we are just getting a feel for the gravity of this situation, it is clearly touch-and-go for the President.  Regardless of the outcome however, it appears certain that Obama will be on television sometime today. <<Developing>>

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Four Doctors Support Health Care Bill

BREAKING NEWS  – Head Muscle Press (March 4, 2002) In a tightly choreographed media event yesterday, President Barack Obama announced to an eager crowd of supporters that his administration had located four doctors that agreed with his new health care bill.  Speaking with renewed determination, President Obama impugned the hastily assembled crowd to get the bill passed now.  “This is really an exciting moment for us,” one supporter confided.  “We have really been hoping that the medical community would step up to support this bill, and it looks like it has finally happened…I mean…well…at least four of them have.  We have also heard rumors that there is a pharmacist in Rapid City who likes the bill too, but no one has confirmed it yet.” In an attempt to dig a bit deeper,  HM Press caught up with one of Obama’s staffers after the media event. On condition of anonymity,  she agreed to speak with us.  Transcript follows:

HM: This seems to be a big event for the President.

Staffer: Absolutely! He is thrilled.

HM: So, these four doctors actually agree with Obama’s new plan?

Staffer: Yes, they think that this bill is the only way to save our health care system.

HM: But there are only four of them…

Staffer: Only four?  I would say that this is a pretty impressive showing.

HM: but..

Staffer: (breaking in) Let me finish.  We may only have four now, but we think that there are a lot more out there.  Maybe double that number!

HM: So you are saying that there may actually be eight doctors out there that agree with the new bill?

Staffer: Well we cannot say for sure, but some of our analysts think it is possible.  Look, the fact is, there is a silent super minority of doctors out there who are clearly leaning our way –  and we want to find them.

HM: What exactly is a silent super minority?

Staffer: Well we are not sure about that either, but we think it is an important demographic.

HM: How so?

Staffer: Think about it. We are changing one sixth of the US economy to support about seven percent of the population.  Given those numbers, finding four doctors that support this bill is huge!

HM: But polls still show that the vast majority of doctors are against the bill.

Staffer: Not anymore.  In our latest poll, one hundred percent of the doctors surveyed supported it.

HM: Wow, that is impressive who conducted the poll?

Staffer: We did of course!

HM: Oh really, what sample size did you use?

Staffer: That’s beside the point.

HM: No, I think it is important; how big was your sample?

Staffer: Well, quite a few…um…maybe about four I think.

HM: (shocked) So what you are saying is that you only polled the four doctors on stage.

Staffer: Well yes, but it was unanimous….pretty much.

HM: Pretty much?

Staffer: OK, initially one of the doctors was undecided, but Obama was able to change his mind.

HM: How? Did he offer the doctor some type of political position or favor in return for his support?

Staffer: Oh no, Obama will never make that mistake again.

HM: How did he do it then?

Staffer: Cash…I think.

HM: (changing subject)You must forgive my skepticism, but it just seems to me that having four doctors on board is nothing to get excited about.

Staffer: Well, I will admit the stage looked a bit sparse with just four doctors behind the President, but this is only the beginning. Let’s say that our analysis is correct and we can find another four out there somewhere. The ramifications would be huge!

HM: I am sorry, I don’t understand.

Staffer: (rolling eyes) Well a television screen is only so wide.

HM: (confused) Excuse me?

Staffer: (irritated)  OK, work with me here… just imagine if we had eight doctors on stage all bunched up real tight with Obama.   We could almost make the average American believe that our nation’s medical professionals were behind this bill, not just our liberal friends at the DFA and AMA.

HM: So, what you are really saying is that you want to dupe gullible Americans into thinking this bill is a good idea?

Staffer: Well, I would not use the term “dupe” …

HM: What term would you use?

Staffer: I dunno, “creatively manipulate” maybe?  I mean it really is for their own good.  Most Americans are incapable of understanding this bill anyway, and just need to let us pass it.  After all, we know what is good for them; we’re the government!

HM: I see.

Staffer: Well I am very sorry to cut this short, but I need to get back to work.  I only have an hour to get the white coats back to the costume shop…see ya!

At that point, our interview ended as our staffer dashed from the press room.  We are not sure where this all will lead, but one thing is clear.  We have witnessed political theater at its finest and, if successful, we will likely see many such stunts in the future.  Rumors are already circulating that Obama staffers have rented a half dozen polar bear suits for an upcoming climate change conference. <<DEVELOPING>>

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Obama Nationalizes College Bowl Games

Head Muscle Press (30 January 2010): Insider sources close to President Obama have informed Head Muscle News that he is getting ready to announce plans to take control of all NCAA Division I bowl games.  According to our sources, Obama is doing this in an effort to regain his popular appeal on the heels of a dismal State of the Union Speech.   “President Obama has really had a rough couple of weeks,” our anonymous White House source noted.  “Banks are still making profits, insurance companies are still covering their customers, big energy is still drilling for oil, and the health care industry is still functioning well for 95% of all Americans. He is really feeling down right now.  It has been a while since the President has nationalized anything and he could really use a pick-me-up.” Rumor on the hill is that Obama has never liked the bowl system and believes that it creates an unfair monopoly in certain conferences. Nationalizing all college bowl games is seen by some proponents as the only way to make the system more accessible to underperforming teams that “are not covered” under the current system.  “There are about 342 Division I teams, and only 34 bowl games,” our source explained.  “This means that, every year, almost 274 teams go without bowl coverage.  It is just not fair, and President Obama is vowing to fight for these teams and their fans.”  In an effort to get a more detail on the President’s plan, HM met with our informant for an in-depth interview.  Transcript follows:

HM: Thanks for stopping by today.

Source: My pleasure, I really believe that this proposed legislation is going to be a win for the American People.

HM: So let me get this straight, President Obama plans to nationalize all Division I NCAA bowl games?

Source: Well, I wouldn’t exactly use the term “nationalize.”  We really see it as providing college football teams with a “public bowl option.”

HM: What exactly is a “public bowl?”

Source: Well, it is common knowledge that the greedy insurance companies and big Wall Street banks have had control of the bowl system for years, and …

HM: Sorry for the interruption, but that is really a sensational accusation! What proof do you have?

Source: Well, just look at the 2009 bowl schedule – The Citibank Championship Bowl, The Capital One Bowl, The Allstate Sugar Bowl, The Eagle Bank Bowl…I mean it is really kind of obvious isn’t it?

HM: So how exactly how will the “public bowl option” work?

Source: The plan is to take some of the remaining 500 billion bailout dollars, and set up an additional 137 bowl games that will cover the teams unfairly left out of the current system.  We will offer colleges the opportunity to host these games, and will cover 200% of their overhead costs.

HM: 200%?

Source: Yep. Fannie Mae is running the funding. Our goal is also to get colleges to opt out of big expensive BCS bowls for more politically correct public bowls. We certainly won’t force them to do this though, after all, this isn’t a Bolshevik plot or anything.  They can keep their current “greed bowls” if they want, but there may be steep fines involved.

HM: Wow…that sounds eerily familiar…

Source: It really is some of Obama’s finest work.  It will be the first real competition in the NCAA since the BCS started their monopoly. You know what BCS stands for don’t you?

HM: No, what?

Source: (laughing) Banks Control Sports!  BCS…get it?  The plan is to use our unfair government advantage to compete fairly with these greedy profiteers and run their butts out of the bowl business.  We figure in 5 years, the government will run all the bowl games in the country and then, finally, every team will be covered.  It really is an ingenious plan.

HM: You must forgive my skepticism here, but this sounds like a very expensive proposition.

Source: Oh it really is. It might even prove to be more expensive than health care…if we do it right that is.

HM: Well how will the government get their money back?

Source: Simple, we will just add it to Obama’s proposed bank tax.  I mean, we are already charging the banks for the AIG, GM, and Chrysler bailouts, why not add a few bowl games on the bill as well?  They won’t even notice. It really makes sense when you consider the fact that they are the ones who caused this mess.

HM: So what is the benefit to the taxpayers?

Source: What was the benefit of the health care bill?

HM: Sorry I asked…

Source: There will be some real benefits with the President’s plan though.

HM: For instance?

Source: Well first, instead of using bowl names as gratuitous advertizing opportunities, we will use them to remind Americans of Obama’s vision.  There will be a Death to CEOs Bowl, a Banks Really Suck Bowl, a Unionize America Now Bowl, and a Fifteen Percent of Americans Have No Health Care Bowl.  I know that the last name is kind of long, but the message is really strong don’t you think?

HM: What will you do to the traditional bowl names when they eventually cross over to the public option?

Source: Great question. We are already planning ahead for that, and have mapped a series of new names to these bowls as well.  We will change the GMAC Bowl to the UAW Bowl, the Chick-Fil-A Bowl to the Zero Transfat Bowl, and the Gator Bowl to the Gays in the Navy Bowl.  We have also proposed changing the name of the Fiesta Bowl to the Immigration Reform Bowl.  It really is a great marketing vehicle for Obama’s policies don’t you think?

HM: Are you going to rename the Texas Bowl in Houston?

Source: Oh, that’s a good one. It will be the “Bush’s Fault Bowl.”  Isn’t that fantastic? Obama thought of that one himself.

HM: So is that the only benefit of this plan; new catchy names?

Source: Absolutely not.  We already have much bigger plans in the works.  I could get fired if I told you this, but do you know that high speed train between Orlando and Tampa that Obama approved?

HM: Sure, he mentioned it in his speech last Wednesday.

Source: (leaning in and whispering) Well, do you think it is just a coincidence that it connects the Outback Bowl with the Capital One Bowl?

HM: (perplexed) Well no, I…

Source: Yep. They have already cut a deal to shift over to the public option in 2011.  It is all a part of Obama’s greater plan.  Just think about it. In a couple of years fans will be able to watch the Vegan Bowl in Tampa, and then rocket over to Orlando at 200 miles per hour to see the Capitol Run Bowl the very next day. Soon Obama will have a network of high speed trains connecting all the public bowl games together.  Obama feels strongly that both really fast trains and bowl reform are critical to our nation’s recovery, and this is an ingenious way to get both in one shot. That, my friend, is why he is President and we are not.

HM: Well, I must admit, this will bring sweeping change to the college bowl system.  When will this bill hit the floor for debate?

Source: Oh don’t worry; Obama has given his pledge to televise it all on C-SPAN.

HM: So his ultimate goal is to have every Division I team receive a bowl game bid at the end of the season?

Source: That is really it in a nutshell.  Obama is really tired of all the fat cat CEOs getting all the bowls and the poorer teams getting nothing.  Tell me, when was the last time you saw Wofford College in the Rose Bowl?

HM: (baffled) They were 3 and 8 this past season. Furman beat them for crying out loud!  Who the heck would want to see them in the Rose Bowl?

Source: (look of disgust) Racist.

HM: (shocked) Excuse me?

Source: (indignantly) You may be interested to know that displays of hate will be punishable by 5 years in prison, and a 25-yard penalty in public bowl games…

At the conclusion of the interview, our White House source provided us with an unofficial list of prospective names for some of the new public bowl games:  Under Obama’s plan, the 137 new bowls will include the Close Gitmo Bowl, the Cap-N-Trade Bowl, the Union Freebie Bowl, the Che Guevara Wasn’t So Bad Bowl, and the Jeremiah Got It Wright Bowl.  As revolutionary as this plan would be however, it is not without problems. Orlando Florida, for example, hosts both the Capital One Bowl and the Champs Sports Bowl at same complex. This will make building the high speed train link between the two bowls somewhat problematic.  Democrat proponents of the train insist, however, that a track circling the stadium will allow the train to reach speeds close to 80 miles an hour without derailing.    More on the “Bowl Bill” as it develops.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Head Muscle Press means absolutely no disrespect to Wofford College, its students, or staff.  Wofford is a fine institution of higher learning and is a credit to the American college and university system.  You cannot help it if you stink at football.  See you at the Rose Bowl in 2011.

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A Thank You Letter to Massachusetts

Dear Voters of Massachusetts,

On April 19, 1775 the very first official shots of the American Revolutionary War were fired in Middlesex County, Massachusetts. At the North Bridge in Concord, a ragtag group of a few hundred militiamen decisively defeated three companies of British Regulars. This battle, though minor in scope, served as proof to the young 13 colonies that the British Empire could, in fact, be defeated.  It gave courage and resolve to our leaders, and inspired everyone who dreamed of freedom and self-determination.  It would also inspire Ralph Waldo Emerson to write his famous “Concord Hymn” in which he coins a popular phrase:

“By the rude bridge that arched the flood,

Their flag to April’s breeze unfurled;

Here once the embattled farmers stood,

And fired the shot heard ’round the world.”

This shot would not only resonate across the 13 colonies, but across the Atlantic Ocean to the British Empire and Europe as well. It was the opening salvo of a revolution that would give birth to a democracy of “free citizens” the likes of which the world had never seen.  Instead of power, subjugation, monarchy, and privilege it would be built upon ideals such as human rights, dignity, the rule of law, and freedom.  It was a shot that changed the world forever, and it all started with a handful of dedicated Massachusetts farmers. Today, every American owes a debt of gratitude to these fearless men who stood their ground and ultimately defeated an oppressive empire.

Once again, 234 years later, our nation owes a new debt of gratitude to you, the people of Massachusetts, for firing another shot heard ’round the world.  Not with muskets this time, but with your ballots.  Once again you have stood your ground at the North Bridge and refused to be ruled by an oppressive government.  Though the odds were firmly set against you, you refused to accept the condescending rule of the Democrat Party and asserted your independence in a way that shocked our government and inspired your fellow Americans.  Because of your bold action, Tuesday 19 January, 2010 could well go down in history as the beginning of nothing less than a new American Revolution.   It will be a revolution based on concepts such as individual freedom, conservative principles, lower taxes, less spending, and smaller government.  Even more importantly though, in just one day, you were able to accomplish what our conservative leadership in DC has not been able to achieve.  You reminded the Obama Administration just exactly who they work for….We The People. Though it is without question that they won by popular vote, this past Tuesday should serve as a harsh reminder to them however, that a government cannot alienate over half of its citizenry and hope to prevail.

It is difficult to recall a point in our history when the election of just one senator had such a profound impact on our nation.  Think about it.  This one election has stopped the government dead in its tracks. The election of Scott Brown has effectively stopped the health care bill,  killed cap-and-trade, eliminated any attempt at passing the fairness doctrine, and may just improve our national security.  His election has stripped the Democrat Party of their monopoly of power and has, in effect, given them  the good rigorous spanking they so richly deserved.  Over the past two days since his election, we have seen our Democrat leadership stare into the headlights of the oncoming rebellion like timid deer unsure of whether to run or freeze in place and accept death.  We have seen the President scramble to find a new message that might help him regain his populist appeal, and Democrats in both houses head for the hills in an attempt to protect their jobs.  This little state of proud Americans has sent a message to our bloated, power hungry, money crazy government that their days are numbered and that, no matter how powerful that they think they are, the American voter is still stronger.

So to the independents and conservatives of Massachusetts who, once again, have lit the powder keg of revolution, Head Muscle would like to say thank you on behalf of freedom loving Americans everywhere.  You have inspired us at a point when many had lost hope. You have reminded us, by your action, that our democracy is stronger than any sitting government.  You have taken on the task of fixing what our leadership could not and, in doing so, have done nothing less that reshape the political landscape of our nation. You have lowered our taxes, protected us from run away spending, and saved us all from a tragic health care takeover that would have crippled our economy. Though you were an unexpected hero, in hindsight it is no surprise that you rose to the occasion. That is what Massachusetts does.  Thank you most sincerely.

Finally, it is also important to remember that the shots fired at the North Bridge, though great in their implication, were just the first shots of the revolution.  In order for the colonies to achieve their freedom from the crown, they had fight tirelessly against the odds for years to come.  Just like then, it is now the responsibility of every American conservative and independent to carry the banner from Massachusetts to their own states.  It is our responsibility to keep the message strong and the passions high.  We have to finish what our brothers and sisters in Massachusetts have started or the new revolution will most certainly fail under the weight of our opponents.  We have an opportunity to seize the initiative and reclaim our government in the name of the principles that made our nation the greatest in history.  The struggle has decidedly turned in our favor, and we must lead the charge to the next battle – the 2010 general election.  So, thank you Massachusetts for reminding us that we are in charge of this nation, not Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, or the UAW. Thanks for standing your ground at the North Bridge once again. It is now time for the rest of us to stand with you.

Sincerely,

Head Muscle

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A Formula for Health Care

Dear Mr. President,

I have been following the health care debate for the past couple of months and wanted to take this opportunity to offer you some advice. It has been my observation that the reason you are failing to win support for your plan, is that you have been unable to concisely convey your true intent.  So as a fan, and somewhat of a math enthusiast, I have made it my mission over the past few weeks to give you a hand.  You will be happy to know that, after much toil, I have come up with a simple mathematical equation that sums up your health care strategy for America quite nicely.  I call it the Government Health Account (GHA) model.  The GHA model embodies all the principles that, I believe, your administration is committed to uphold. To that end, I believe that it will undergird your public “option” very effectively.   Well, that being said, without any further delay, here is the GHA model:

[(EL x ATR) – (CPP + CCO)] x GBM = GHA

Where:

EL = The estimated productive life of a Revenue Production Unit (RPU). NOTE: Under the old health care model RPUs were known as human beings.

ATR = The annual estimated tax revenue at state and federal levels for the RPU.

CPP = The cost of the procedure and follow-on prescriptions associated with the procedure.

CCO = The cumulative cost already owed from previous procedures and not yet remunerated to the government through the RPU’s tax revenue generation.   It will be calculated on an annual basis and maintained as part of the RPU’s medical record.

GBM = Green Bonus Multiplier. This will be a floating point multiplier between 0 and 2 and will be based on each RPU’s impact on climate change. These multipliers will be calculated annually by the Government Green Health Board (GGHB) and will be looked up on an approved schedule by members of Government Review Boards using the GHA model.  Its value will depend on a number of factors, developed by Van Jones, which are way too complex for normal “White Oppressors” to understand.

Here is an example:

Bill is 50 years old and has gone to his annual public health screening. He has only eaten government approved foods, is relatively healthy, only moderately flatulent, and drives a hybrid.  He has been informed by his doctor that he has a hernia that requires surgery costing $15,000.  Based on current longevity schedules Bill is expected to live to 73 and will, on average, retire at 65.  He makes $100,000 per year and has only had one other government provided procedure the prior year, a colonoscopy, costing $3,000.

Based on this information, Bill’s GHA calculation would look something like this:

[(15 x 42,000) – (15,000 + 0)] X 1.12 = 688,800 GHA

Bill is going to pay taxes of 42,000 per year for the next fifteen years. Since he has paid for his previous health procedure with prior year’s taxes his CCO is 0.  Being flatulent within government Individual Greenhouse Emissions (IGE) standards he receives a 1.0 (no green damage) rating for his GBM. An additional factor of .12 is added to his GBM because he drives a Hybrid.  At the end of his surgery, Bill has a GHA of over $688K!  Based on this GHA rating the Government Health Review Board will recommend that he have the surgery!

Here is another example:

Vern is 62 years old, drives an SUV, likes spicy foods, is an avid hunter, and produces about 30% more methane than average due to chronic gastro-reflux. He has been informed by his doctor that he has skin cancer and will need surgery and follow-up treatment costing about $350,000. He makes about $200,000 per year, votes republican, and has had no other previous procedures under the government plan.

Given an equivalent life expectancy to that of Bill, Vern’s GHA formula looks like this:

[(3 x 100,000) – (350,000 – 0)] x 1.5 = -75,000 GHA

Vern is clearly a productive citizen but because he is old and needs a very expensive procedure, it does not appear possible for him to generate enough future revenue to pay the government back.  Additionally, he is an SUV driving, polluting, farting, right wing animal hater. This results in a GBM of 1.5, making his total GHA a negative $75,000. Taking these numbers into account the Government Health Review Board should rightfully let him die.  After all, he is nothing but a right wing looser that will likely vote against you in 2010. Who will miss him…really?

Mr President, I hope that the two above examples show how effective my GHA model will be.  Younger healthy folks will get more points, while “oldies,” the chronically ill, and non-green “undesirables” will have their scores properly lowered. This will handily relieve the government from the burden of excessive and unwarranted health care expenditures. But, that is not the best part!

The fact that we now have a numerical measure of each RPU’s health care entitlement enables us to build on Al Gore’s Cap–and-Trade concept.  I call it Life-and-Trade and it will be a real money maker for you!  Using L&T, people with very low GHA’s will be able to buy additional GHA “shares” from people who have extremely high reserves. Under L&T,  healthy green individuals, like Bill, will be able to auction off pre-set amounts from their GHA to poor jerks like Vern.  Not only will this market give folks like Vern hope for treatment, all transactions on the L&T market will be taxed at a specified percentage rate. The revenue generated from L&T transaction taxes can then be put into an account to offset the cost of healthcare for non-productive citizens (your base) and illegal aliens. They, after all, will not be subject to the GHA model because they are oppressed victims of American capitalism and racism.  They deserve all that they can get for free at the expense of our productive capitalist greed-mongers.  Finally, as I am sure you have already realized, there will be a need for several new and very powerful bureaucratic organizations such as the previously mentioned GGHB. You may use these as examples of how your public “option” is actually creating new jobs! It truly is brilliant!

In conclusion, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to explain my model to you. I am sure, Mr President, you can see that I have spared myself no difficulty to ensure that all of your highest values are exemplified in its execution. I am sure that by using the GHA model to clarify your intent, you will show the American People how much you really care about them and what kind of person you really are.

Respectfully Submitted,

Chuck

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