Obama Blames Insurance Companies for Volcano Eruption

Head Muscle Press (21 April, 2010) In a clear effort not to have his agenda upstaged by a natural disaster, President Obama held an impromptu press conference this afternoon blaming insurance companies for the eruption in Iceland.  “If you ever wondered how low greedy insurance companies would stoop to make a buck,” Obama bellowed to a mesmerized crowd, “just look at the plume of ash behind me.”  As Obama spoke, a live picture of the eruption appeared on a giant screen behind his podium.  “We have got to stop these greedy companies in their tracks, or God only knows what they will do to us next!” he exclaimed. “If you think this eruption was bad, wait until you see the tidal waves and asteroid strikes they are planning!”

Word from administration insiders is that Obama was ‘extremely upset’  that the disaster had taken up valuable network air time he had planned to use to bash our free enterprise system.  Late yesterday, the White House released a memorandum to the press stating that Obama would personally investigate the eruption in Iceland, as well as its suspected ties to AIG, Goldman Sachs, and Wall Street.  This afternoon, in a highly choreographed media event, he announced his findings.  “After twelve hours of exhaustive investigation,” the President announced, “I have determined that the insurance companies are behind this eruption and, as we speak, are pumping billions of tons of ash and carbon into the air.”  The crowd responded with glee chanting, “death to AIG,” and pumping their clenched fists into the air.

Bolstered by their enthusiasm, Obama laid out his case.  “Don’t you find it strange that this eruption took place just one month after passing health care reform?” he asked the crowd rhetorically.  “We have made it all but impossible for these pirates to provide you quality health care at a profit, so they have set their sights on volcanoes instead!”  The crowd, clearly entranced by his brilliance, hung on every word.  “Make no mistake about it, they will not rest until each and every one of you are buying their volcano insurance for your home!” he warned.  “Once they have Iceland and Europe in their greedy grip, they will continue to cause eruptions around the world until they have recouped every penny I have stolen from them!”

As Obama played the crowd, another plume of ash billowed from the crater behind him. “See what I mean!” he exclaimed. “They are sending you a message right now!”  The crowed boo’d and hissed.  “Well let me tell you something.  They may think that they have us, but no one alive can blow smoke like me, and they have just met their match!” At this point the crowd could not contain themselves, and began cheering wildly and doing something that looked eerily like the electric slide.   It was clear to everyone that, with this speech, Obama had  established himself as the nation’s first ‘volcano reform’ president.

Obama went on to announce that he would ask Congress to pass an $800 billion package to nationalize the world’s volcanoes and, “wrest them, once and for all, from grip of big insurance.”  Under Obama’s plan, taxpayers would foot the $800 billion bill through a VAT, or Volcano Abatement Tax, which would be levied against companies and individuals that promoted, funded, or directly controlled volcanic activity.  Though it is unclear exactly who would have to pay this tax, insiders close to Obama have suggested the list would specifically target banks, insurance companies, Wall Street firms, and any individual greedy enough to invest their personal funds with these organizations.  It has also been suggested that certain groups might be forced to pay additional penalties for their “reckless promotion” of volcanic activity. These groups could include Jimmy Buffett (for that “Volcano Song”), King Kong, and anyone performing in, directing, producing, or viewing the play South Pacific.  Leonard Nimoy could also get hit with a severe penalty for playing a ‘Vulcan,’ which was clearly derived from ‘Vulcanus’  the Roman god of volcano fire.  Nimoy has not commented.

According to our source, funds raised from the VAT would be used to develop strict EPA limits on all future volcano eruptions, and to ensure that all Americans are protected from wanton volcanic activity.  In his remarks, Obama noted that almost 99.99% of all Americans live day-to-day without volcano insurance, and that this was proof enough that the current system needed a complete overhaul.  He pledged that, under this new bill, every American citizen would be guaranteed their constitutional right to free volcano protection.  He then concluded his remarks by pledging to have direct talks with any and all third-world volcanoes that showed a willingness to work with the US.  So far, volcanoes in Iran, Syria, and North Korea have not responded.

The GOP has been quick to label Obama’s new VAT as just another massive Democrat tax-and-spend sham.  In remarks on Fox News, Karl Rove noted that many people who do not have volcano insurance choose not to be covered. He went on to say that Obama is, once again, manufacturing a crisis in order to take away American freedom. Sarah Palin noted that, while Governor of Alaska, she only controlled one volcano and that the problem had been grossly overstated by the Dems.  Mitt Romney has remained silent on the issue however, and pundits have speculated it is because the volcano insurance plan he put in place in Massachusetts has been grossly mismanaged.   Ron Paul refused to comment on the volcano issue, but took the opportunity to announce that space aliens had been stealing his underwear for several years.<<Developing>>

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The Scarlet I

Head Muscle Press (March 10, 2010) As President Obama is out on the road this week stumping for his government health care plan, rumors are flying around Washington that he is about to sign an executive order requiring all insurance companies to display a scarlet “I” on their storefronts.  Sources say that, by signing this order, Obama will finally force these greedy profiteers out into the light of day for all to see.  Rumor has it that, Obama could sign the executive order any day, and is giddy with excitement at thought of bringing one sixth of our nation’s economy under government control.   To help speed the process along, the administration has already developed an approved poster for insurance  companies to display in their windows.  HM was able to come by the below “unauthorized” copy:

Our source conceded that the above design is somewhat lackluster, but assured us that Obama has already asked the National Endowment for the Arts to come up with a few more “ideologically correct” designs. Though still unofficial, he provided HM with a few of the proofs currently under consideration:

In addition to displaying the mandated posters, the executive order will also require insurance company employees to sew a cloth “I” onto the lapel of their work clothes.  Failure to do so will result in hefty penalties and even imprisonment.  When asked if this was constitutional, our source reminded us that the President sees our constitution as nothing more than a “charter of negative liberties,” and that nowhere did it explicitly prohibit the government from making people sew cloth letters onto their clothing.

Though many in the majority are in favor of this this move, opponents are saying that Obama’s insurance company bashing  is nothing but ideological rhetoric designed to destroy an entire industry sector.  Critics point out that, despite Obama’s accusations, the average profit margin for health insurance companies is only about 3.4% and that, despite poor margins, they continue to serve about 90% of the American public very well.  Democrat supporters respond by accusing their opponents of  being for insurance companies and against America. In reaction to heavy Republican dissent, Rep Alan Grayson (D-FL) is said to have written a formal letter to the Justice Department, urging them to convert Guantanamo Bay into death camp for all who oppose the plan.  His office refused an interview with HM, but sent out a short statement reaffirming Grayson’s wish for all Republicans to die quickly.

Many conservative lawmakers privately confide that they are concerned that such an executive order, if signed, may expand in scope rapidly.  “What is next?” one Congressman asked. “Will gun owners have to wear a red “G” on their shirts?  Will Christians have to wear a red crucifix?  I mean really, how far will this go?”  Though publicly scoffing these allegations as nonsense,  some liberals in congress are said to  already be pressing for similar campaigns against WalMart,  meat eaters,  Fox News anchors, and Sarah Palin supporters.  “If we do this right, we will have every profitable business in the country quaking in their boots,” one Obama staffer gushed. “This is America for crying out loud, we cannot let free enterprise destroy our economy!”  When asked whether Obama’s relentless insurance company bashing would result in lost jobs, the staffer smiled and noted that this was exactly why the “Jobs Bill” was so critical.  “Don’t worry,” he noted, ” if Obama has his way, at least five government administration positions will be created  for every private sector job that is lost.”

Note from author: Special thanks to Rants and Other Refinements for the final three posters.

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A Formula for Health Care

Dear Mr. President,

I have been following the health care debate for the past couple of months and wanted to take this opportunity to offer you some advice. It has been my observation that the reason you are failing to win support for your plan, is that you have been unable to concisely convey your true intent.  So as a fan, and somewhat of a math enthusiast, I have made it my mission over the past few weeks to give you a hand.  You will be happy to know that, after much toil, I have come up with a simple mathematical equation that sums up your health care strategy for America quite nicely.  I call it the Government Health Account (GHA) model.  The GHA model embodies all the principles that, I believe, your administration is committed to uphold. To that end, I believe that it will undergird your public “option” very effectively.   Well, that being said, without any further delay, here is the GHA model:

[(EL x ATR) – (CPP + CCO)] x GBM = GHA

Where:

EL = The estimated productive life of a Revenue Production Unit (RPU). NOTE: Under the old health care model RPUs were known as human beings.

ATR = The annual estimated tax revenue at state and federal levels for the RPU.

CPP = The cost of the procedure and follow-on prescriptions associated with the procedure.

CCO = The cumulative cost already owed from previous procedures and not yet remunerated to the government through the RPU’s tax revenue generation.   It will be calculated on an annual basis and maintained as part of the RPU’s medical record.

GBM = Green Bonus Multiplier. This will be a floating point multiplier between 0 and 2 and will be based on each RPU’s impact on climate change. These multipliers will be calculated annually by the Government Green Health Board (GGHB) and will be looked up on an approved schedule by members of Government Review Boards using the GHA model.  Its value will depend on a number of factors, developed by Van Jones, which are way too complex for normal “White Oppressors” to understand.

Here is an example:

Bill is 50 years old and has gone to his annual public health screening. He has only eaten government approved foods, is relatively healthy, only moderately flatulent, and drives a hybrid.  He has been informed by his doctor that he has a hernia that requires surgery costing $15,000.  Based on current longevity schedules Bill is expected to live to 73 and will, on average, retire at 65.  He makes $100,000 per year and has only had one other government provided procedure the prior year, a colonoscopy, costing $3,000.

Based on this information, Bill’s GHA calculation would look something like this:

[(15 x 42,000) – (15,000 + 0)] X 1.12 = 688,800 GHA

Bill is going to pay taxes of 42,000 per year for the next fifteen years. Since he has paid for his previous health procedure with prior year’s taxes his CCO is 0.  Being flatulent within government Individual Greenhouse Emissions (IGE) standards he receives a 1.0 (no green damage) rating for his GBM. An additional factor of .12 is added to his GBM because he drives a Hybrid.  At the end of his surgery, Bill has a GHA of over $688K!  Based on this GHA rating the Government Health Review Board will recommend that he have the surgery!

Here is another example:

Vern is 62 years old, drives an SUV, likes spicy foods, is an avid hunter, and produces about 30% more methane than average due to chronic gastro-reflux. He has been informed by his doctor that he has skin cancer and will need surgery and follow-up treatment costing about $350,000. He makes about $200,000 per year, votes republican, and has had no other previous procedures under the government plan.

Given an equivalent life expectancy to that of Bill, Vern’s GHA formula looks like this:

[(3 x 100,000) – (350,000 – 0)] x 1.5 = -75,000 GHA

Vern is clearly a productive citizen but because he is old and needs a very expensive procedure, it does not appear possible for him to generate enough future revenue to pay the government back.  Additionally, he is an SUV driving, polluting, farting, right wing animal hater. This results in a GBM of 1.5, making his total GHA a negative $75,000. Taking these numbers into account the Government Health Review Board should rightfully let him die.  After all, he is nothing but a right wing looser that will likely vote against you in 2010. Who will miss him…really?

Mr President, I hope that the two above examples show how effective my GHA model will be.  Younger healthy folks will get more points, while “oldies,” the chronically ill, and non-green “undesirables” will have their scores properly lowered. This will handily relieve the government from the burden of excessive and unwarranted health care expenditures. But, that is not the best part!

The fact that we now have a numerical measure of each RPU’s health care entitlement enables us to build on Al Gore’s Cap–and-Trade concept.  I call it Life-and-Trade and it will be a real money maker for you!  Using L&T, people with very low GHA’s will be able to buy additional GHA “shares” from people who have extremely high reserves. Under L&T,  healthy green individuals, like Bill, will be able to auction off pre-set amounts from their GHA to poor jerks like Vern.  Not only will this market give folks like Vern hope for treatment, all transactions on the L&T market will be taxed at a specified percentage rate. The revenue generated from L&T transaction taxes can then be put into an account to offset the cost of healthcare for non-productive citizens (your base) and illegal aliens. They, after all, will not be subject to the GHA model because they are oppressed victims of American capitalism and racism.  They deserve all that they can get for free at the expense of our productive capitalist greed-mongers.  Finally, as I am sure you have already realized, there will be a need for several new and very powerful bureaucratic organizations such as the previously mentioned GGHB. You may use these as examples of how your public “option” is actually creating new jobs! It truly is brilliant!

In conclusion, I would like to thank you for the opportunity to explain my model to you. I am sure, Mr President, you can see that I have spared myself no difficulty to ensure that all of your highest values are exemplified in its execution. I am sure that by using the GHA model to clarify your intent, you will show the American People how much you really care about them and what kind of person you really are.

Respectfully Submitted,

Chuck

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