Jihadist Monkeys Added To No-Fly List

Head Muscle Press (14 July 2010) – Just two days after reports that terrorists were training monkeys to be gun wielding jihadists, Janet Napolitano held a press conference to address the new threat. In what was largely heralded as a vain attempt to appear somewhat concerned about our national security, Napolitano announced that all known radicalized jihadist monkeys would be immediately placed on the TSA no-fly list.  “The first thing that we must do is protect our skies from these furry fellons,” Secretary Napolitano announced to assembled press and politicians. “In that light, I am personally directing the TSA to swing into action on this matter.” According to Secretary Napolitano, any monkey that buys a first class one way ticket with cash will be investigated and,  if appropriate, added to the list.

“This should prove to skeptics once and for all that the Secretary is deadly serious about our national security,” an unnamed DHS official noted to HM reporters after the announcement.  “Americans can rest assured that not one innocent life will be taken by flying monkeys on her watch!” Other DHS staff were not so confident however. “This is a pretty big gamble, one TSA official confided. “I mean, we have to be right 100% of the time, but the monkeys only have to be right once…”

According to the new directive, pistol packing primates will be required to either check their weapons with their luggage, or show valid law enforcement credentials to TSA agents at airport security gates.  Other common monkey carry-ons like bananas, cymbals, those little red fezzes, and small termite mounds will be allowed as long as they are sealed in 32 ounce zip lock bags.

In a swift reaction to this new directive, Bobo, the national chairman of CAIR (Chimpanzees Advocating Islamic Revolution), declared that ninety percent of all monkeys were peaceful hard working hominids and that the new DHS policy amounted to nothing less than primate profiling.  He noted that most monkeys would never see, speak, nor hear of such evil, and that CAIR was in talks with the ACLU about possible legal action against DHS.  When Head Muscle reporters tried to press him on the issue however, noting that monkeys could be pretty mean, he became agitated and started throwing his poop.

PETA also spoke up in opposition, stating that the new directive would precipitate a backlash against monkeys around the world.  “It really is tragic,” a PETA spokesperson commented to HM. “Our culture is already full of negative monkey images, and this only adds fuel to the fire.  Just look at what the media has done over the years. First you have King Kong wrecking Manhattan, then King Louie kidnapping Mowgli the man cub, and let’s not even get into the whole Wizard of Oz thing! It should be no surprise to anyone that monkeys are getting kicked off airplanes!”

Charles Bolden of NASA weighed in as well, reminding the world that monkeys actually went into space months before humans, and that we should all be mindful of their contributions to science and culture. “NASA will do everthing in its power to ensure that monkeys around the world know that they are special…even if they have really weird looking butts,” he announced.

Despite all the  criticisms, President Obama released a brief statement noting that the steps taken by Secretary Napolitano, though unfortunate, were absolutely critical to our national security. He also noted that if Bush had addressed the radical monkey issue years ago instead of wasting time in Iraq, the current crisis could have been avoided.

Though no other animal species have stepped up in solidarity with the monkeys, a group of three toed sloths released a statement today urging caution in implementing the new directive.  In their statement they made it clear that, though there are some physical similarities, sloths are ‘xenarthrans’ and not related to primates in any way. The group also noted that sloths are by nature agnostic, and not prone to acts of martyrdom. <<Developing>>

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Obama Mandates Blanks For Military Weapons

Head Muscle Press (11 April, 2010) – This past week Obama has dramatically reshaped America’s security policy by pledging to reduce our nuclear arsenal by thirty percent, and promising our adversaries that we would not use nukes on them, even if they attacked with chemical or biological weapons.  Though the President has received harsh criticism for these moves, it would seem that he is only just beginning.   In a surprise announcement early this morning, a White House spokesperson told stunned reporters that military units deploying to Iraq and Afghanistan will be issued blank cartridges for their weapons. “We have studied this very closely,” the spokesperson announced, “and we have determined that the leading cause of enemy fatalities on the battlefield, is US inflicted gunshot wounds.  The President feels that this cannot continue, and that we must take immediate steps to reduce these tragic combat-related enemy casualties.”  According to the President’s plan, military units will begin deploying into the theater with blank cartridges by late this summer.  These units will be deployed to areas where fighting has been heaviest over the past year, and coincidentally where the most enemy gunshot fatalities have been recorded.  “Obama believes that, by focusing in these areas, we should see and immediate and substantial increase in enemy survival rates during combat operations,” the spokesperson noted. “The President’s revolutionary new approach should put a stop to combat related enemy casualties once and for all.” Some military analysts are already projecting that, under Obama’s plan,  America is on track to reach French levels of wartime non-lethality by 2012.

Our source then invited us to a desert shooting range, to observe a group of troops already training in this new type of non-combat.  While at the range, our source also agreed to a short interview. Transcript follows:

(Shooting in the background)

HM: (yelling) Thank you so much for the opportunity to come out to observe this new training. Can you tell me exactly what is going on?

Source: (yelling back) Sure, it is really quite simple.  Each person you see shooting has their magazines loaded with the new round, and they are familiarizing themselves its operational capabilities.

HM: So are they all firing blank cartridges?

Source: Please! Obama would never send our troops into combat with “blanks!”  How absurd!  They are actually Projectile Deficient Simulated Rounds, or PDSRs as we call them.

HM: (pausing) So, what exactly are they shooting…at?

Source: Well, if you look downrange, you will see a number of hostile pop-up targets appear.  When the Soldier sees the target, he fires his new PDSR equipped weapon at it.

HM: (confused) But there are no bullets to hit the targets with?  What’s the point?

Source: (rolling eyes) Well – obviously – the point is not to kill them! Were you not listening at the press conference?

HM: Yes, but I’m still not sure that I get it. All these new rounds do is make noise.

Source: (exhaling heavily) Well, Obama believes that if we can make enough noise, over time, our enemies will see the futility of their resistance and just…well…give up.

HM: That sure sounds like a crazy plan to me.

Source: It worked for the health care bill didn’t it?

HM: Oh…good point.  So how long before everyone in-theater is shooting the new blanks…I mean PDSRs?

Source: Well a logistical movement of this magnitude will take time.  We have millions of conventional rounds which will have to be used up first. But the good news is, we’ve come up with a couple of contingency plans to minimize enemy casualties in the meantime.

HM: Oh really? Can you tell us about them?

Source: Well first, Central Command has issued a directive to all combat units that, when engaging in combat, they are to miss their enemies when firing on them.

HM: Miss their enemies?

Source: Yeah, I mean, they shoot and everything.. just not at the people shooting at them.  We are suggesting that they pick a pretty cloud or a sand dune, and shoot at them if possible.  It’s a pretty good interim plan, but not foolproof.

HM: Why not?

Source: Well, for 8 full years, the Bush administration had a policy of training our Soldiers and Marines to kill our enemies. Obama really inherited a mess in that respect.  It is going to take him some time to fix things.

HM: So you are concerned that until the new PDSRs arrive, some enemy casualties are inevitable even with the “mandatory miss” order?

Source: Regrettably so but, if it becomes a real problem, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have come up with a plan to deal with that as well.

HM: Oh really? What is it?

Source: Well…this is technically top secret, but…..oh what the heck.  If enemy killing gets too rampant, we have a plan to deploy a US led UN Security contingent to protect them from our US forces.

HM: (baffled) What? You mean a US led force would actually protect our enemies from other US forces?

Source: Why of course! Obama would never allow US troops to be led by a foreign UN commander? Do you think he’s a nut or something?

HM: So we could actually see a scenario where US forces are fighting each other to protect our enemies?

Source: Yep. What a powerful way for Obama to show the world his commitment to ending the war!  It really makes me well up with pride….

HM: (in disbelief) Well it’s a “change”…that’s for sure.

Source: Well I have to run. We are testing Obama’s new hand grenade design today.

HM: (encouraged) Oh, so our troops will still have hand grenades?

Source: Well kind of…these new grenades are a little different though.

HM: How so?

Source: Well for one thing – they’re chocolate.

HM: (shocked) Chocolate?

Source: Yes, but only a mild milk chocolate. The terrorists don’t seem to digest the dark stuff to easily. They get….well….the poopies.

HM: So we are going to throw chocolate grenades at our enemies?

Source: Yeah, but that solid chocolate can leave quite a welt if it hits one of them on the head.  I think that we may end up having to fill them with fluffy nougat to soften the impact.  It will make them lower fat as well…

With that our source departed for the an undisclosed proving ground to observe the new chocolate grenade test.  At the end of the day, it seems as if Obama has mandated a fundamental change to the way our forces will fight…or not fight during combat.  Though unprecedented, it seems very much in line with his self-imposed nuclear restrictions, stockpile reductions, and passive acceptance of Iran’s nuclear ambitions.  Whether or not his new policies will actually work, will undoubtedly be a subject of considerable debate over the next several months. One thing seems certain however, thanks to Obama, the US will be firing blanks on the world stage for some time to come.

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High Noon for President Obama

This afternoon President Obama met with his national security and law enforcement leads to determine what steps were necessary to ensure the security of our air transportation system.  Shortly after this meeting, he made his long anticipated statement to the American people.   After being delayed by yet another airport scare he walked out to the podium and spoke. The gist of his statement was simple:

“We did not connect the dots, our intelligence system failed, and I am going to fix it – quickly.”

He then informed viewers that he had directed his leads to conduct a full analysis of what must be done and report their findings to him later this week. He was somber, took no questions, and walked away immediately after making his statement. He looked focused and determined.

We commend our Commander-in-Chief for taking responsibility for the failures that led up to the 12/25 attack, and we truly wish him success. Succeed or fail however, this incident amounts to nothing less than a “High Noon” moment for our new President.  Americans want to have a reasonable assurance of security when traveling, and they clearly expect Obama to take immediate and decisive action.  It is now his turn to stand alone in the street without any political finger pointing, and show the American People that he has the brass to take on the bad guys.  Americans, once again, have terrorism on their top ten lists and they have traditionally been wary of the Democrat Party’s resolve to deal with it.  This is, simply put, Obama’s first public showdown with Osama the Kid….and he better win.

While Head Muscle clearly does not support many of President Obama’s policies, this is one instance that we are truly rooting for him. Not because we like him or think he is a good President, but because our national security, economy, and personal safety are all at stake.  The good news is that, this afternoon, he stood before his townspeople like a good sheriff and owned up to the task at hand. That being said however,  there are real signs that Obama is not stepping out into the street with a fully loaded gun:

Alleged-Terrorist -During Obama’s address this afternoon he once again referred to the Detroit bomber as an “alleged-terrorist.”  Now, let’s see…he was trained by Al Qaeda to ignite explosives hidden in his underwear on a commercial airliner. Using this same logic, Adolf Hitler is only an alleged-mass murderer. After all, he never really had his day in court. Employing this type of political correctness in the face of such a blatant threat, is tantamount to loading your six shooter with blanks. The way you win a shootout is to call your enemy out into the street by name, look him in the eye, and shoot him down in full view of all onlookers. This not only relieves you of any future threat from him, it also sends a clear message to all other potential villains that you plan to do the same to them.   By hesitating to call terrorists what they are, Obama is stepping out into the street and then asking his opponent for confirmation that he is really a bad guy prior to shooting.  The result – an exploding aircraft.

The word “alleged” also implies that anyone engaged in terror against the US will be afforded the very same legal due process that US Citizens are entitled to.  This emboldens the villain, because he knows that he can shoot the sheriff in cold blood and still have a chance at freedom. Instead of certain death as a consequence for blowing up an airliner, maybe he will get a mistrial and walk!  You can almost hear them talking together in their hideout.  “No Abdul, don’t kill people in Chechnya, the Russians will just execute you if you are caught. Kill people in America.  If they catch you they will just send you to Chicago.” Sheriff Obama needs to make it clear that he is shooting to kill. This is the only thing that the townspeople, and the bad guys, will respect.  Anything else will be perceived as weakness.

Al Qaeda Extremists – After eight years of battling Al Qaeda and watching these wretched sub-human scum balls kill innocents from Indonesia to Spain, our Commander-in-Chief  still calls them “extremists.”  By doing this, he not only cheapens the global crusade against terror, he also makes terrorists morally equivalent to other extremists groups like the Sierra Club, PETA, Green Peace and, dare I say,  conservative Christians. Certainly every religion has extremists…what is the big deal? It is a subtle erosion of the truth that, over time, causes everyone to forget what the threat really is. If our sheriff is going to protect the townspeople, he needs to be clear about who he is fighting. In this case it is Osama the Kid, a murderin’ varmint that got spit onto Earth right out of Hell itself, not an “extremist.” If Obama is going to fight the good fight, he needs to start using the right words and show Americans that he knows who the enemy is.

Napolitano Still Employed – This is perhaps the biggest travesty of all.  Janet Napolitano makes Gabby Hayes look like Clint Eastwood. Any sheriff knows that, if he is going to survive the shootout, he will need a good deputy watching the rooftops. When Deputy Napolitano spots a sniper on the saloon roof however, she waits for the bartender to shoot him and then pats her team on the back for having such a good system.  This is gross incompetence of the highest order, and Obama needs to send a signal to the rest of his posse that this type of bureaucratic ineptitude will no longer be tolerated. The fact that he has not already replaced her, makes him appear to be more concerned with his cabinet’s welfare than the American People’s.

Still no Profiling – Obama also noted in his statement that he directed more immediate security measures be put in place. There would be immediate increases in bomb sensors, police dogs, baggage checks, and pat downs. Additionally, over the last few days the news has been filled with stories of the airlines banning carry-on bags, blankets, and even reading material.   The flaw with this type of thinking is that it centers its focus on the weapon and not the person.   In order for the sheriff to do his job, he must know what the bad guy looks like.  We all know that western villains wear black hats, have thin mustaches, and dark beady eyes.  If our sheriff went around picking people at random and calling them into the street for justice, he would never find his nemesis.  How stupid our sheriff would look standing 20 paces away from a little old lady in a wheelchair.  Sound foolish?  Well it is. Unfortunately that is the approach that has been mandated in our nation’s airports.  History shows us that people who blow up airplanes are typically Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 35.  They buy one-way tickets with cash the day of the flight, and seldom have any luggage.   Why then do we stop the little old lady and frisk her?  Are we that stupid?  No, we are just terrified of being accused of racial discrimination by the ACLU crowd.  In reality, there is a difference between racial profiling and looking for terrorists.   Our politicians, however, have simply not been able to  cross that cognitive channel.  In their minds it is actually better to lose 300 people on an airplane than be accused of discrimination and, based on Obama’s comments, we have no reasonable expectation that this will change anytime soon.

So, here we are at high noon. Our hero has a chance to load his gun, call the bad guy into the street, shoot him dead in front of all the townspeople, and establish himself as the Wyatt Earp of airline security.   It is now 11:59AM and all the town is wondering what he will do.  They want the bad guy who has been terrorizing them dead, and they are demanding that the sheriff take care of business.  If he does, it will establish him as a worthy peacekeeper. If he does not, the townspeople will likely start looking for a new sheriff in 2012. Make no mistake, this is Obama’s defining moment. Perhaps it is even more defining than health care. This is the infamous first term test that we have heard so much about in the news. The streets are empty in anticipation of the fight, and curious eyes peek out from behind every curtain and sash. The town holds its collective breath as the courthouse clock begins to chime…one…two…three…four…

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