NASA Announces Space Camp For Terrorists

Head Muscle Press (7 July 2010) – Earlier today at a surprise press conference, NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced that his agency would take over operations at  Guantanamo Bay prison, and convert it into a space camp for terrorists. “This camp is an important first step in our efforts to improve the self-esteem of Islamic terrorists everywhere, and I think that its impact will be significant,” Mr Bolden gushed to the gathered press. 

News of the new Guantanamo Bay Space Camp comes on the heels of Mr. Bolden’s recent statement that improving relations with the Muslim world was now NASA’s ‘foremost’ objective. Advocates of the new space camp note that this new program will not only improve the dreadfully low self-esteem of terrorists, but will also assist in easing the controversy around the Guantanamo Bay facility. “Everyone wants Guantanamo Bay to be closed, but we just have not figured out how to do it,” an administration official admitted under condition of anonymity.  “Everyone  hates Guantanamo, but space camps are fun, high-tech, happy places,” he explained. “Who would want to close a space camp?”

Under NASA’s plan, the cells and fences at Guantanamo will be replaced with space simulators, shuttle mock-ups, and eventually a launching pad.  Head Muscle Press was able to arrange an interview with a member of Mr. Bolden’s staff for more details.  Transcript follows:

HM: So let me see if I understand this correctly, NASA is planning to turn Guantanamo Bay prison into an astronaut training center for terrorists?

Staffer: That is in essence the plan…yes.

HM: Interesting, so what is NASA’s thinking here?

Staffer: Well, both Mr. Bolden and President Obama believe that terrorists suffer from low self-esteem.  They believe that, if we can make terrorists feel better about themselves, they will  become productive peace-loving citizens… and in this case astronauts!

HM: So you will be focusing on terrorists and not Muslims in general then.

Staffer: Well the terrorists are the ones causing all the ruckus right? Besides, they are a natural fit for astronaut training.

HM: Why are they such a good fit?

Staffer: We really see this training as a venue for helping them channel their natural strengths.

HM: For instance?

Staffer: Well after 9-11, the shoe bomber, and the underwear bomber it became clear to us that terrorists really like to fly.  So we are just going to build on that.

HM: So, you are going to teach them how to fly at this camp?

Staffer: Well certainly! I mean, you wouldn’t be a very good astronaut if you couldn’t fly right?

HM: Well I suppose but…

Staffer: (Interrupting) Besides, most of them are already pretty good at taking off, they just need to be taught how to land…it should be pretty straight forward.

HM: So what is the first step?

Staffer: Well the first step will be to get rid of those nasty white prison jump suits and give them some nice blue cadet flight suits and pilot rim shades. Mr. Bolden thinks that this alone will change the whole feeling of the camp.

HM: You are buying them shades…

Staffer: Oh yes. Mr Bolden believes that in order to feel good about yourself, you have to look good. We have actually hired some fashion consultants to help us come up with the final outfit.  We are thinking low waistlines with tight legs and flared bottoms. Something that says, “sure I used to behead infidels, but I am sexy too.” Know what I mean?

HM: (Changing subject) I see…What kind of technical training will they receive at the…um…space camp?

Staffer: Well we are going to have to start slowly at first, and really focus on some of the basics.

HM: Like what?

Staffer: First of all, we are going to have to convince most of them that the world is not flat. [Laughing] You cannot really orbit a flat earth can you? I mean the turns would just be too sharp.

HM: Well I suppose that makes sense…anything else?

Staffer: Well another, relatively challenging, thing is that we are going to have to teach them not to kill the instructors.

HM: (Shocked) Kill the instructors?

Staffer: (Rolling eyes) Well sure…I mean they are terrorists right? We fully expect to lose a few instructors early on but, over time, we hope to change their thinking on the whole killing thing.

HM: (Amazed) Well that sounds like a real challenge to say the least.

Staffer: (Nodding head) The space suits will be somewhat of a problem as well.

HM: Why is that?

Staffer: Well, most of the terrorists have grown really long beards while in captivity, and when you pile all of that hair up into a standard space helmet it is really difficult to see through.

HM: So will they have to shave?

Staffer: (Shocked) Oh my no!  How insensitive would that be?  We are simply going to build new helmets with elongated fronts so that their beards can hang naturally. 

HM: Your serious?

Staffer: Absolutely. In fact NASA is already working with the ZZ Top guys to build a prototype.  It is really tricky though, no one really knows how all that hair will react to zero gravity…it could be ugly.

HM: So, I am assuming that the Obama Administration fully supports this new effort.

Staffer: Oh, the administration is fully committed to this.  In fact, President Obama has even authorized NASA to stand up a new division devoted to this effort. We are calling it our Islamist Esteem Division or IED for short.

HM: IED?

Staffer: Oh, most certainly.  It is really brilliant. Now their IED training will be something just a bit more positive….it is all part of  the bigger message you see.

HM: I see…so is it really NASA’s intention to let these terrorists fly into space.

Staffer: (Frowning) Well that would be the goal in a perfect world but, since we no longer have a space program, we are going to have to set our sights a bit lower.

 HM: So what will they do?

Staffer: It is still somewhat uncertain, but we are currently talking with Walt Disney Inc.  to see if we can get them some gigs at Space Mountain.  We are also hoping that they can replace the little funny droids on the Star Tours shuttles.

HM: Really?  You are serious?

Staffer: Well sure.  Just think about it…they can lead Star Tours passengers through the perils of space, while teaching them inspirational chants.  Imagine blowing up the Death Star while shouting, “death to the Empire, death to the Empire!”  They are excellent chanters you know.

HM: So NASA and the Obama Administration actually believe that this crazy plan will reduce the threat of Islamist terror?

Staffer: Our analysts believe that it will dramatically reduce terrorist attacks if given a chance.

HM: (Curiously) Based on what?

Staffer: Well nothing is certain, but we do have strong data which shows that trained astronauts seldom, if ever, blow other people up on purpose.

HM: Really…

Staffer: (Proudly) Yep! Same goes for Disney employees too…

HM: So how much is this going to cost the tax payers?

Staffer: (Smiling) Absolutely nothing! That is the great thing about this plan.

HM: Well someone has to pay for it…who?

Staffer:  (Whispering) Obama is just going to tack it onto BP’s clean up bill. It is truly brilliant!

HM: (Baffled) Why on earth would BP pay for it?

Staffer: Well…we will have to wait until the slick hits Cuba, but when that happens we are home free…and I mean free!

Staffer: (Looking at watch)  I would really like to stay and chat longer, but I need to get back to NASA or I will be late for the stoning, and all the good rocks will be gone.

HM: (Stunned) Stoning?

Staffer: Yeah, we are just trying to get into the spirit of things…you know, empathize with their plight…anyway…see you!

With that, our interview ended.  Turning Guantanamo into a space camp is certainly a novel approach to the terrorist problem, but seems to be fully in line with the President’s direction.  It is unclear if such an unorthodox approach will yield any fruit, but it is sure to keep NASA personnel employed for some time to come.  The bottom line is, we will just have to wait and see whether or not this whacky plan actually works.  In the meantime, ride Star Tours at your own peril.

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The Secret

Matt felt groggy and disoriented as he began to regain consciousness.  The first thing he noticed was a violent freezing wind hitting him in the face like a thousand needles.  It stung badly and made it almost impossible for him to catch his breath. He was extremely light headed, and every cell of his body begged him to slip back into the darkness.  He was lucid enough however, to know that something had gone terribly wrong.  Just a few moments earlier, he had been safely buckled into seat 27D as his flight from London prepared to land in Chicago.  It had been a very smooth flight, and he had spent most of the journey either sleeping or chatting with the very attractive young lady sitting next to him.  She was a sales representative for a British company, and was making her first trip to the US for a sales conference.  She had been quite excited about the trip and had asked him dozens of questions about the city. The last thing Matt remembered before blacking out was telling her where to get the best Italian beef sandwich in town.

As his vision began to clear, he noticed that bright light was pouring into the cabin.  His first thought was that someone had blown a hole in the front of the aircraft but, as he regained his sight, he discovered to his horror that the front of the plane was no longer there.  All he could see through the freezing wind was twisted metal and blue sky.  He also realized that he was no longer looking forward, but rather looking up.  Apparently his Airbus had been severed in two.  His mind began to sharpen as adrenaline surged through his veins. They were free falling vertically.  He looked out the window and saw the unmistakable shape of the Sears Tower jutting out of the ground, but it spun out of sight as quickly as it had appeared. He could not tell if he was upside down or right side up, his heart was beating in his throat, and he felt himself beginning to slip into shock.  He looked to his left across the aisle.  The man and woman sitting there were wide awake, the woman was screaming with her arms stretched out trying to reclaim the infant that had slipped from her grip. The baby was gone however. Matt watched in disbelief as her husband dutifully unbuckled his belt, telling his bride that he would go get their son and be right back.  Almost instantly, he hit the overhead and bounced along  the fuselage until he was sucked outside into the sky. Matt looked helplessly back a the woman.  Her screaming had stopped, and she was sleeping peacefully,  perhaps reunited with her husband and son.

They were very low now and Matt knew that they would be hitting the ground any second.  He looked to his right for the young sales rep.  She was still there, staring forward  and clutching her arm rests. Matt thought that she looked amazingly calm.  Tears were streaming down her face however, with the realization that there was nothing left.  There would be no sales conference, no Chicago, no career,  and no Italian beef with hot peppers.  She turned slowly to look at Matt.  He reached over to her and she grabbed his hand tightly.   He fixed his gaze on her and tried to smile.  “It’s okay,” he reassured her, “it will be fast.”  She smiled and squeezed his hand even tighter. “I hope so,” she whispered back. Matt took a deep breath as he gazed into her face. “What beautiful blue eyes,” he thought to himself, “what beautiful eyes.”

Moments later, news alerts interrupted morning programming across the country.   So far, 10 planes had fallen out of the sky, but there were still others out there. Low on fuel, many of them would have little choice but to continue toward the US mainland.  The Air Force had scrambled F-16 fighters to intercept these aircraft and escort them to military airfields away from populous metropolitan areas.  If the airliners could not or would not comply however, the fighters had orders to shoot them from the sky before they made landfall.

In the span of about 2 hours almost 2,000 innocent people had died violent deaths.  Flights around the world were grounded, airports were closed and evacuated, and daytime curfews were put in place across the US.  In a special address to the American People, from an undisclosed location,  President Obama vowed to find the perpetrators, and bring them to justice.  He also urged Americans everywhere to stay calm.  Later in the afternoon, as anticipated, Al Qaeda released a statement to Al Jazeera News taking responsibility for the attack.  No one had any idea how so much explosive material had been smuggled onto so many planes without detection.  One thing was clear to everyone though, this had been the biggest tragedy since 9/11 and, almost 9 years later, commercial airliners were still the terrorists’ weapon of choice.

In the days following the attack, forensic analysis began to put the picture together.  The explosives had apparently been concealed in shrink wrapped pallets of cargo.  The terrorists had calculated that, since the underwear bomber incident, airline security agencies would be focused on screening random passengers  for concealed weapons and explosives.  They would be far too busy looking for PETN strapped to peoples’ boxer shorts, to worry about checking air cargo. They were right.  Al Qaeda knew that US air carriers transported nearly 12 million pounds of commercial cargo on passenger planes every day,  and almost all of it went completely unchecked. This was the chink in America’s armor that they had been praying for.  It was a huge lapse in security and, sadly enough, one that had been well documented for years.  The fact is, neither  Bush nor Obama had done anything to fix the problem, even though they were well aware of it.  Industry pressure, political correctness, and bureaucratic incompetence had conspired to make the problem ” just too hard.” So, once again, our government had decided to take the politically expedient way out, and play the odds with the lives of innocent American travelers. Reaction to the attack was visceral.  Thousands took to the streets calling for Napolitano’s resignation and a congressional review of  TSA security policy.  America was furious, and rightfully so.  Lawmakers, and security leads hit the airwaves trying to justify their inaction and point the finger elsewhere, but the public would have none of it.  They wanted heads to roll.   Things were bad for Obama as well.  Despite a number of well written impassioned speeches, he had watched his popularity ratings nose dive.  The people were angrier than anyone could remember, and it was about to get much worse.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, woke up for morning prayer in his supermax cell.  He swung his feet out of bed and placed them into his slippers.  Still full from dinner the night before, he pushed his breakfast tray toward the wall and unrolled his prayer blanket.  He was still sore around his upper thighs, but the skin grafts he had received compliments of the United States were taking well and starting to cover his wounds.  As he prayed,  he thanked Allah for giving him strength while in American captivity.   Umar had fully expected to die in glorious martyrdom, and when his bomb did not explode properly he was terrified at the thought of what the Americans would do to him.  But they had not water boarded him, or even really interrogated him.  Instead they fixed his wounds, gave him a clean cell and, after an hour of questioning, told him that he had the right to not speak to them anymore if he did not want to.  They even sent him a team of lawyers to ensure that he had a fair trial.  He could not believe what they told him at their first meeting.   As he lay in his hospital bed with his wounds from the underwear bomb still burning, they explained to him that he was innocent until proven guilty. This had truly amazed him.

Umar continued to pray, thanking Allah for these men, for his chance to serve, and for not being sent to Guantanamo.  When he had heard of the airline attacks from his lawyers a few days earlier,  it was as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had done his job, and no longer needed to keep the secret.  His Christmas day bombing attempt had been little more than a diversion.  It had been carefully designed to draw American attention away from the bigger mission, and it had worked perfectly.  Thousands of infidels were now dead, and he was a hero.  Umar got up from the floor and looked around the room.  The sun was coming through his small cell window and he felt better than he had in weeks. He felt proud.  He could now tell the world how he had fooled them all.  Perhaps he would do it at his trial when all the cameras were rolling.  Perhaps they would even find him not guilty!  He picked up his breakfast tray and took a big bite of his toast. He was hungry after all, and no one made breakfast like the Americans.

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The Face of Terror

ht_hasan_hood_091105_mainTake a close look at this face and remember it. You have seen it many times over the past decade.   It is the face that kills the innocent, makes sons and daughters orphans, and leaves wives as widows.  It is the face that tears down goodness and builds anguish and anarchy in its place. It is hatred, vile and black.  It loves what should be loathed and embraces what should be cast aside.  Take a close look at this face and remember it, because there are may out there who zealously deny its existence and ridicule anyone who suggests its presence in the world.  There are also those who acknowledge the face for what it is, but  blame others for its actions.  “It was our fault that 9-11 happened because we are the real terrorists,” they say in defense of the face.

Take a look at this face because, even by the most conservative estimates, there are at least another 10,200,000 of them out there… waiting.  They are looking to kill your daughters and wives – they have said so. They want everything you have including your life.  They want to replace freedom with smoke, rubble, twisted steel, and severed heads.  They are planning right now, just like Major Nidal Malik Hassan did.  Time is on their side and they know it.  They know that we have to win every time and they only have to win once.  They are committed, ready, and willing to do whatever it takes to destroy what we love.  Not because it is bad, but because we love it.

Take a good look at this face. Even though it is smiling it hates you.  Its every thought is of your demise, and it will sing praises even as you beg for mercy. It will spit at you with its last breath.  It relies on your underestimation, your lack of concern, your busy day, your skepticism, and your denial in order to succeed.  It knows that it has an ally in our weak and misguided and uses them to further its goals.  Goals that lead up to days like today.  I builds its plans on false trust.  It will be your best friend right before it kills you.

Take a good look at this face, because it is looking for you. Its dark god hungers, and your misery is its only nourishment.  Take a good look at this face. It is the face of terror – the darkest evil.  It knows who you are, can you say the same?

Head Muscle’s deepest prayers go out to the victims of today’s terrorist attack on Ft Hood, the home of America’s Fourth Infantry Division.  May the God of  Abraham bless you and keep you in this hour of great despair.

Godspeed to the fighting Fourth Infantry Division!

STEADFAST AND LOYAL

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