Obama Takes Charge Of Gulf Oil Spill

Head Muscle Press (4 June 2010) – Just two days after reassuring America that the gulf oil spill was his top priority, President Barack Obama showed the world his resolve.  In a dramatic move designed to bring a speedy end to what could become the worst ecological crisis in our nation’s history, President Obama hosted a Paul McCartney concert in the White House East Room.  After the concert, Obama reaffirmed his concern for the people of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida by presenting Sir Paul McCartney with the Gershwin Award, America’s highest musical honor.  “Tonight was a fantastic opportunity for the President to show all Americans just how seriously he is taking this crisis in that…um…Mexican ocean area,” Janet Napolitano beamed to reporters after the concert. “Now, no one can question his priorities.”

Sources close to the administration confided to HM that President Obama had been feeling the heat for some time, and knew he had to act fast. “He called the entire staff into his office to brainstorm a solution,” our source recalled. “We put everything on the table; we even considered asking the Jonas Brothers to do an encore performance! Absolutely nothing was ruled out.” Our source went on to explain that Obama had even discussed holding a media event with the Houston Oilers, but eventually decided that it would just be too much too fast. Apparently, after hours of heated debate, the President finally put his foot down and insisted that a Paul McCartney concert was the only viable course of action.  On condition of strict anonymity (as usual) our White House source agreed to provide us further detail.  A transcript of the HM Exclusive interview follows:

HM: So, how exactly did having a Paul McCartney concert at the White House help stop the oil spill?

Source: Well the concert alone didn’t do anything, but it was an important first step.

HM: (curiously) A first step for what?

Source: (rolling eyes) Well reuniting the Beatles of course?  They are one of Obama’s favorite groups.  He really likes the short funny one – Dingo.

HM: (clearing throat) You mean Ringo…

Source: (waving hand) Hey, I ‘m not going to get into any political name calling here…this is a crisis.

HM: (confused)  So how in the world is reuniting The Beatles going stop the oil spill?

Source: Well it is a complex plan but, if Obama can get them all back together, he is hoping that they will take him down to the broken pipe in their yellow submarine.  If they can get him down there, he might be able to stop the spill.

HM: (in disbelief) Are you being serious?

Source: Most certainly. It is the only viable solution left.

HM: How would he stop the oil once he got down there in the…um…yellow submarine?

Source: It will be a process. First, he will have direct one-on-one talks with the spill. He will apologize for America’s role in the leak, and then try to reason with it.  He may even offer it a job if it will agree to stop running.

HM: What about just putting a cap on it?

Source: (smiling) Oh, believe me, he plans to cap a lot more than just this oil spill. Never let a good crisis go to waste you know!

HM: And he actually thinks he can do this?

Source: Well…it will be a team effort. He will need a little help from his friends…ha! Get it?

HM: (speaking slowly) The President does know that two of The Beatles are dead right?

Source: (shocked) Dear God! That means we have to activate Plan B!

HM: What is ‘Plan B?’

Source: (rubbing chin) Well it is still kind of sketchy, but Obama plans to nationalize Brittany Spears.

HM: Brittany Spears….what the heck can she do?

Source: Nothing – Obama just thinks she’s hot….It’s not really important anyway, in just a few days James Cameron will be taking charge of the entire operation.

HM: Interesting…what exactly is Cameron’s plan for stopping the oil?

Source: For starters he is going to have Celine Dion write a killer theme song for it. It will be Grammy stuff.

HM: And then?

Source: Well, he has not finalized the script yet, but it will likely involve Leonardo DiCaprio dangling Spongebob Squarepants over the slick from a helicopter gun ship.

HM: Spongebob?

Source: Yeah, he is an absorbent little fellow. It should be very dramatic.

HM: (in amazement) Does the President actually think that this will work?

Source: Not really, but it should get Cameron an Oscar nomination. He is still pretty down about Avatar, and needs a pick-me-up.

HM: (exhausted) You know, I hate to be rude here, but none of this makes any sense. These are all really wacky ideas.

Source: (rolling eyes) You anti-Obama people are always going to find fault with the President’s approach.  The fact is, in this moment of crisis, Obama is desperately trying to reach out and unify all Americans around one indisputable fact.

HM: Really?  What would that be?

Source: Brittany really is hot. I mean…you know…wow.

HM: (exasperated sigh) You must forgive me, but this is just nonsense.  None of these plans will do anything to stop the oil spill!

Source: Hey, don’t blame Obama.  If Bush had not killed the other two Beatles, we would already have their submarine!

HM: (shocked) Wait a minute….are you actually blaming Bush for…

Source: (interrupting) All I am saying is that someone should warn Dingo. He could be next…

HM: I’m sorry, this just does not….

[Source’s cell phone rings.]

Source: Excuse me a moment…..Hello?  Oh my God! That is terrible! Get the Admiral on the line…I am on my way.

Source: (Hanging up) I’m sorry, but I have to go deal with this crisis right away.

HM: The oil spill?

Source: No, Obama’s approval rating just dropped another 5 points! We have to do something fast!  Hey…you wouldn’t happen to have Lady Gaga’s cell number would you?

With that, our source scurried out of the room thumbing his Blackberry. One thing is for sure, if nothing else, President Obama is more than aware of what this crisis is doing to his approval ratings.  Perhaps this realization will generate more action and less song and dance from the White House. Regardless of the outcome however, it seems as if Obama will be submarining for the foreseeable future. <<DEVELOPING>>

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Obama Stuck In Press Conference

BREAKING NEWS – Head Muscle Press (26 March, 2010) Head Muscle has just learned that, even though the cameras have been turned off for almost 23 hours, President Obama is still at the podium in the White House Press Gallery speaking. Though the details are still sketchy, sources have told HM news that the President has been speaking continually since his press conference announcing the New START Treaty yesterday morning.  Rumor is that a teleprompter malfunction initially resulted in Obama’s comments being replayed over and over at an increasingly rapid rate.  As his speech regenerated and picked up speed President Obama continued reading apparently oblivious to the problem. “At one point the teleprompter was spinning so fast,” our source confided, ” the Commander in Chief sounded like an angry squirrel.” Attempts to turn off the power to the teleprompter backfired when one of the President’s staffers accidentally pulled the plug to Helen Thomas’ oxygen machine.  The power surge that resulted sent the teleprompter spinning out of control even faster. “It was really scary,” our source shuddered. “Helen’s face puffed up really large and turned dark blue.  She looked like a demonically possessed California Raisin.”

Folks at the scene noted that, after Obama’s 9th or 10th pass through the speech, most of the press corps caught on to what was happening and headed out for lattes. Correspondents from MSNBC stayed behind however, feverishly taking page after page of notes.   “I have never seen people write so fast,” our source mused.  “They were going through one mechanical pencil after another, dropping them all over the floor each time they stood to applaud Obama’s comments.  After a while, it looked like some crazy aerobics class full of over-dressed morons. It was really getting dangerous.”  In an effort to put an end to the crisis, Rahm Emanuel placed a call to the White House electricians to shut power down to the entire building, but unfortunately their new union contract had given them Thursday through Sunday off.

In an effort to get more detail on this unfolding story, HM was able to set up an on the scene interview with our source as he worked to resolve the situation.  Transcript follows:

HM: So, is the President still stuck in the teleprompter loop?

Source: I am afraid so.  It is really a difficult situation.’

HM: Why not just cut the power cord leading to the prompters?

Source: We thought about doing that, but the President’s physician believes that such an abrupt shut down could damage the President’s autonomic nervous system.

HM: How do they know this?

Source: Well, it wasn’t really publicized, but a few years ago we had a similar problem with another person.  He needed the teleprompter even more than Obama, and when we turned it off, it pretty much turned him into a vegetable.

HM: Wow, that is horrible! How is he now?

Source: He’s the Vice President…

HM: Oh, I see… so what is the plan for getting Obama unstuck?

Source: Well, the plan is to slowly bring him down before we break the connection.

HM: How will you do that?

Source: First, we network in a new computer with the speech on it, and then we switch the prompter signal over.  Once we have done that, we will gradually begin slowing the speed of the speech down until we get it to normal.

HM: And then?

Source: Well then we simply start eliminating paragraphs and sentences until we have him down to repeating just a few words over and over.  Something like, “me like Russia….me like Russia…me Russia…” Then we will slowly take him down to nothing but the letter “r.”  Once we have him comfortably r-ing for 10 or 15 minutes, we will stop the prompter and hopefully save most his higher mental functions.

HM: That sounds like a daring plan, what happens if it doesn’t work?

Source: Oh, we have a contingency plan for that as well.  If we cannot break him away from the prompter safely, our plan is just to keep him there.

HM: Excuse me?

Source: Well, it is really pretty ingenious.  You see, Obama has already held more interviews and press conferences in his first year than the last two administrations combined. Hell, you can hardly turn on your television without seeing him talking about…something.  So our plan is to just change his clothes,  feed him new speeches, and keep him going. When we need him, we will just turn the cameras on!  No one will be able to tell that it isn’t business a usual….it ingenious!

HM: What about Michelle and the kids?

Source: Oh they will be able to come in and see him on weekends. We will put some fatherly statements on the prompter like, “Hey girls let’s get a burger,” and “How’s the garden honey?”  We will do our best to make him lifelike.

HM: I see. Well it certainly is a daring plan.

Source: Yep, our only real concern is ensuring the Republicans do not hack into the system.

HM: Is that a threat?

Source: Well last week when health care passed, Biden was just supposed to hug Obama and say, “This is a big deal.”   We even put it on the prompter to ensure he did not mess it up.  After the speech, we looked at the computer and someone had spliced the F-bomb in!

HM: Wow, that is pretty devious. Who do you think did it?

Source: Well we are not sure, but we have heard rumors that Sarah Palin has build a huge satellite-based super computer network and is trying to control Obama’s teleprompters from space. We are thinking that she has been working out the kinks on Biden since the election.  I mean, it could be a real problem!

HM: What would she do?

Source: We could loose control of the President! What if she made him say something nice about insurance companies?  Maybe she would have him admit that the free market is the most powerful economic force on earth!  What if she just had him make animal noises?  It could be a real disaster!  We cannot let it happen.

HM: What about Helen Thomas – is she OK?

Source: Oh Helen? She’s fine, the Bush staffers used to pull her O2 all the time just for fun.  She’s a trooper... Well I have to get back into the press room, it is time for the President’s chap stick.  If I don’t apply it every fifteen minutes his mouth starts smoking.

At that moment our source put on a pair of asbestos gloves and headed back into the room accompanied by two firemen.   Though we are just getting a feel for the gravity of this situation, it is clearly touch-and-go for the President.  Regardless of the outcome however, it appears certain that Obama will be on television sometime today. <<Developing>>

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