Man Finds Nancy Pelosi’s Face on Bacon Strip

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Head Muscle Press 27 Jan 2011 – When Mr. Ellis Pollard of Mallard Wisconsin received his Sunrise Special at the Waffle Shop this past Saturday morning, he was startled to find that one of his bacon strips bore the uncanny likeness of Nancy Pelosi (see image below).

“I was absolutely shocked,” Pollard confessed to local reporters.  “There she was, just staring me and grinning.  It was truly miraculous.”  Mr. Ellis went on to explain that he carefully wrapped the slice of salt pork into a napkin and, after inspecting the rest of his meal for Democrats, finished his breakfast and hurried home. “It was really hard to concentrate on the road,” Pollard noted.  “I have always heard stories of people seeing the face of Jesus in rocks and reflections, but this was really something special.”

According to reports, Pollard spent the next few hours studying the image under a magnifying glass to ensure that what he was actually seeing was not a trick of the light. When convinced that the image of Pelosi was real, he took the strip of bacon to a local television station and reported his miraculous finding.  “At first the reporters were skeptical when I told them what I had found, but when I unwrapped the bacon and showed them they were awestruck,” Pollard recounted.

According to Mr. Pollard, over the next couple of days people gazing at the piece of Pelosi pork started to experience miracles.  One unemployed lady allegedly saw the image and, upon returning home,  discovered that her unemployment benefits had been extended a fourth time.  In another account, a committed Tea Partier looked at the image and immediately fell to the ground shouting anti-Palin slogans. The most noteworthy instance occurred when an older gentleman saw the image and started channeling Ted Kennedy. For over 30 minutes he extolled the virtues of the healthcare bill, drank Scotch Whiskey, and blamed the Republicans for setting him up at Chappaquiddick.

Though the DNC has withheld official comment, it is a well known fact around the DC area that this is not the first time images of Democrats have spontaneously appeared on pieces of fatty pork.  In 2006 Martin Emmitt of Shellsburg Idaho produced the now famous “Harry Ham” slice (below), which was purported to make anyone who looked at it pro-labor.

And then more recently during the 2008 presidential campaign, hundreds of mysterious Obama Chops appeared in diners across key swing states that eventually went blue.

“It is kind of like the whole UFO thing,” Cameron Dalton author of the self-published book Conspiracy of Pork’ confided to Head Muscle. “No one wants to admit that this is happening, but you just cannot deny the evidence when it is right there on your sausage patty.” Mr. Dalton is the founder of Conservative Republicans Against Pork Propaganda (CRAPP) and is trying to lift the veil on what he describes as a massive liberal plot to control voters through use of pork stimulation.  “The problem is pervasive,” Dalton warns. “No one really knows how much pork the Democrats actually control. Why there could be thousands of unsuspecting people swallowing this garbage as we speak!” Though CRAPP is small right now, it is gaining a foothold among independents and conservative vegetarians. According to Dalton, liberals plan to flood the American people with more and more pork over the next two years until everyone is hopelessly hooked. In an ominous warning, Dalton pointed out to Head Muscle that the Pelosi image will soon be followed by the most massive DNC pork project to date…Operation Barney Frank.

According to Dalton they have already appeared at the Fannie Mae cafeteria and will likely be passed out to homeowners through thousands of new sub-prime hot dog vendors.  Head Muscle will continue to follow this breaking story as it develops. In the meantime we strongly suggest that Americans everywhere stick to the beef.

<<DEVELOPING>>

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Obama Mandates Blanks For Military Weapons

Head Muscle Press (11 April, 2010) – This past week Obama has dramatically reshaped America’s security policy by pledging to reduce our nuclear arsenal by thirty percent, and promising our adversaries that we would not use nukes on them, even if they attacked with chemical or biological weapons.  Though the President has received harsh criticism for these moves, it would seem that he is only just beginning.   In a surprise announcement early this morning, a White House spokesperson told stunned reporters that military units deploying to Iraq and Afghanistan will be issued blank cartridges for their weapons. “We have studied this very closely,” the spokesperson announced, “and we have determined that the leading cause of enemy fatalities on the battlefield, is US inflicted gunshot wounds.  The President feels that this cannot continue, and that we must take immediate steps to reduce these tragic combat-related enemy casualties.”  According to the President’s plan, military units will begin deploying into the theater with blank cartridges by late this summer.  These units will be deployed to areas where fighting has been heaviest over the past year, and coincidentally where the most enemy gunshot fatalities have been recorded.  “Obama believes that, by focusing in these areas, we should see and immediate and substantial increase in enemy survival rates during combat operations,” the spokesperson noted. “The President’s revolutionary new approach should put a stop to combat related enemy casualties once and for all.” Some military analysts are already projecting that, under Obama’s plan,  America is on track to reach French levels of wartime non-lethality by 2012.

Our source then invited us to a desert shooting range, to observe a group of troops already training in this new type of non-combat.  While at the range, our source also agreed to a short interview. Transcript follows:

(Shooting in the background)

HM: (yelling) Thank you so much for the opportunity to come out to observe this new training. Can you tell me exactly what is going on?

Source: (yelling back) Sure, it is really quite simple.  Each person you see shooting has their magazines loaded with the new round, and they are familiarizing themselves its operational capabilities.

HM: So are they all firing blank cartridges?

Source: Please! Obama would never send our troops into combat with “blanks!”  How absurd!  They are actually Projectile Deficient Simulated Rounds, or PDSRs as we call them.

HM: (pausing) So, what exactly are they shooting…at?

Source: Well, if you look downrange, you will see a number of hostile pop-up targets appear.  When the Soldier sees the target, he fires his new PDSR equipped weapon at it.

HM: (confused) But there are no bullets to hit the targets with?  What’s the point?

Source: (rolling eyes) Well – obviously – the point is not to kill them! Were you not listening at the press conference?

HM: Yes, but I’m still not sure that I get it. All these new rounds do is make noise.

Source: (exhaling heavily) Well, Obama believes that if we can make enough noise, over time, our enemies will see the futility of their resistance and just…well…give up.

HM: That sure sounds like a crazy plan to me.

Source: It worked for the health care bill didn’t it?

HM: Oh…good point.  So how long before everyone in-theater is shooting the new blanks…I mean PDSRs?

Source: Well a logistical movement of this magnitude will take time.  We have millions of conventional rounds which will have to be used up first. But the good news is, we’ve come up with a couple of contingency plans to minimize enemy casualties in the meantime.

HM: Oh really? Can you tell us about them?

Source: Well first, Central Command has issued a directive to all combat units that, when engaging in combat, they are to miss their enemies when firing on them.

HM: Miss their enemies?

Source: Yeah, I mean, they shoot and everything.. just not at the people shooting at them.  We are suggesting that they pick a pretty cloud or a sand dune, and shoot at them if possible.  It’s a pretty good interim plan, but not foolproof.

HM: Why not?

Source: Well, for 8 full years, the Bush administration had a policy of training our Soldiers and Marines to kill our enemies. Obama really inherited a mess in that respect.  It is going to take him some time to fix things.

HM: So you are concerned that until the new PDSRs arrive, some enemy casualties are inevitable even with the “mandatory miss” order?

Source: Regrettably so but, if it becomes a real problem, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have come up with a plan to deal with that as well.

HM: Oh really? What is it?

Source: Well…this is technically top secret, but…..oh what the heck.  If enemy killing gets too rampant, we have a plan to deploy a US led UN Security contingent to protect them from our US forces.

HM: (baffled) What? You mean a US led force would actually protect our enemies from other US forces?

Source: Why of course! Obama would never allow US troops to be led by a foreign UN commander? Do you think he’s a nut or something?

HM: So we could actually see a scenario where US forces are fighting each other to protect our enemies?

Source: Yep. What a powerful way for Obama to show the world his commitment to ending the war!  It really makes me well up with pride….

HM: (in disbelief) Well it’s a “change”…that’s for sure.

Source: Well I have to run. We are testing Obama’s new hand grenade design today.

HM: (encouraged) Oh, so our troops will still have hand grenades?

Source: Well kind of…these new grenades are a little different though.

HM: How so?

Source: Well for one thing – they’re chocolate.

HM: (shocked) Chocolate?

Source: Yes, but only a mild milk chocolate. The terrorists don’t seem to digest the dark stuff to easily. They get….well….the poopies.

HM: So we are going to throw chocolate grenades at our enemies?

Source: Yeah, but that solid chocolate can leave quite a welt if it hits one of them on the head.  I think that we may end up having to fill them with fluffy nougat to soften the impact.  It will make them lower fat as well…

With that our source departed for the an undisclosed proving ground to observe the new chocolate grenade test.  At the end of the day, it seems as if Obama has mandated a fundamental change to the way our forces will fight…or not fight during combat.  Though unprecedented, it seems very much in line with his self-imposed nuclear restrictions, stockpile reductions, and passive acceptance of Iran’s nuclear ambitions.  Whether or not his new policies will actually work, will undoubtedly be a subject of considerable debate over the next several months. One thing seems certain however, thanks to Obama, the US will be firing blanks on the world stage for some time to come.

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President Obama Reported to be a Hologram

Head Muscle Press Exclusive (1 January 2010) – In an exclusive interview with HM Press an anonymous software developer for Industrial Light and Magic revealed that President Barack Obama does not really exist, but is actually a hologram.   Our informant, who will go by the name of Irv, told our stunned HM reporter that the Obama hologram had actually been created for the first Star Wars movie, but had been replaced by the far more believable C3PO character. “It was not an easy choice,” he noted. “We really did not know which character would be accepted as plausible by theater audiences, until we held several secret pre-release screenings. The test audiences however, clearly found C3PO to be more lifelike and genuine.”

Irv contacted HM earlier this month and stated that he had a bombshell to drop.  According to Irv, he was concerned that the Obama hologram had developed several “bugs” and was now highly unpredictable and prone to memory failure. “We really saw this problem manifest itself early on in Obama’s pacifist sub-routine,” he noted. “We had initially programmed him to convince the Rebel Forces to unilaterally withdraw from all military engagements, and speak directly with the Imperial despot Darth Vader instead. Somewhere down the line however, it appears his registers reset.  After considerable down time we tried rebooting him, but he persisted in sending more and more Rebel troops instead of withdrawing them.  I think it was a floating point error, but no one was able to make any sense of his actions. I am concerned because now that the Obama hologram is President, we are seeing the same bug with Afghanistan.”

According to Irv, Stephen Spielberg created the Obama hologram because he wanted his science fiction blockbuster to appeal to European and third world socialist markets which he believed would account for a large percentage of the  film’s gross.  Things continued to go wrong however, when the hologram started spontaneously blaming Luke Skywalker for the war with the Empire. “In the middle of a programmed dialog'” Irv noted, “Obama would declare that he was just a special effect trying to fix the problems that had been passed to him by other actors.”  After the pre-screenings Stephen decided to replace the Obama  hologram with the C3PO character because, as Steve noted, “It was  just  easier for the audience to believe a guy wearing a plastic robot suit.”

For several days HM attempted to set up a more detailed discussion with Irv.  Finally, one of our field reporters was able to arrange a meeting with him at an undisclosed location in Northern California. Irv was notably apprehensive and asked HM to darken his face and disguise his voice.  We noted that HM was a printed publication, but he insisted nonetheless.  “When it comes to Steve,” Irv confided, “you are either with him or against him and I do not want to take any chances.,”  The transcript follows:

HM: Irv, thanks so much for taking the time to talk to HM.

Irv: Well, things are really out of control with this hologram and I figured it was time to speak out….is my voice too high? I kind of sound like Alvin the Chipmunk.

HM: You sound fine Irv, let’s get to the story.

Irv: No, I really think I sound like Alvin on speed. Can you put a little more bass in there? If you are going to print this I would like more of a sexy Barry White voice.

HM: (pause) Sure, no problem…we will mix it after the interview.

Irv: (reluctantly) Well I suppose…

HM: So, saying that our Commander-in-Chief is nothing but a malfunctioning hologram is really quite sensational.  How on Earth did a failed Star Wars special effect become President of the United States?

Irv: Well, no one has all the facts, but it appears that  Democrat Party Chairman Howard Dean bought the rights to the Obama hologram from Spielberg.

HM: Why would Howard do such a bizarre thing?

Irv: Well after the Democrats could only produce Al Gore and John Kerry as presidential candidates, Dean really felt like a dramatic “change” was in order.   After seeing the Obama hologram, he really felt that there was “hope” for 2008…and he was right.

HM: Really, that is fantastic.  How did they know it would work?

Irv: Well they didn’t at first, so they came up with a plan to op-test him in the Senate for a year or two.  When he malfunctioned they would just have him vote “present” while  debugging his routines. It worked beautifully and well… the rest is history.

HM: This is amazing; he looks so lifelike and he has clearly fooled millions of supporters.   How do the Democrats control him?

Irv: Well it’s pretty ingenious actually. We loaded him onto a modified X-Box and he is remotely manipulated by Nancy Pelosi using a joystick.

HM: How do you project his image?

Irv: Well there is a small camera that Nancy controls at the base of  all the White House teleprompters.

HM: I’m sorry that just sounds a bit far fetched.

Irv: OK then, tell me when you last saw Obama without a teleprompter?

HM: (pausing) Good point.

Irv: Yeah, it was brilliant until after the election. That’s when the problems started.

HM: What problems do you mean?

Irv: Well, just like in the early days, he gradually became more and more erratic.  Nancy would push the withdraw button on her controller and he would send more troops to Afghanistan instead.  Later, when she pulled the global warming trigger, he failed to make a serious commitment at Copenhagen.   Additionally, even though his developers had designed his software to be transparent, over the past few months it has been harder and harder to find the logic in his behavior.

HM: That is very concerning, have you tried to determine the cause?

Irv: Well, at first we thought it was the old bugs from the original Star Wars version re-surfacing.  But we are now convinced that he is being hacked.

HM: By whom?

Irv: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove of course….who else…Sarah is too busy plucking the eyes out of dead moose.

HM: How are they doing this?

Irv: Well we are not completely sure, but rumor is they have modified a Wii station with a voice controller and are manipulating his words and actions from an underground bunker beneath Fox News Headquarters.

HM: How long have they been doing this?

Irv: No one is sure but about 2 months ago, the George W. Bush animatronic figure at Disney World spontaneously turned and gave the Obama figure the finger.  We think that this might have been an early test.

HM: (in amazement) That is unreal.  Tell me, has Joe Biden figured any of this out yet?

Irv: (silent stare)

HM: Right… sorry I asked.

At this point in our interview Irv started to flicker in and out of view until he was replaced by the image of Dick Cheney laughing maniacally.  In the end it all made sense.  What better way to unseat the Democrats than to take control of their special effects? HM is still somewhat skeptical about the story, but will be watching the next Congress for signs of bad reception. <DEVELOPING>

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