Jihadist Monkeys Added To No-Fly List

Head Muscle Press (14 July 2010) – Just two days after reports that terrorists were training monkeys to be gun wielding jihadists, Janet Napolitano held a press conference to address the new threat. In what was largely heralded as a vain attempt to appear somewhat concerned about our national security, Napolitano announced that all known radicalized jihadist monkeys would be immediately placed on the TSA no-fly list.  “The first thing that we must do is protect our skies from these furry fellons,” Secretary Napolitano announced to assembled press and politicians. “In that light, I am personally directing the TSA to swing into action on this matter.” According to Secretary Napolitano, any monkey that buys a first class one way ticket with cash will be investigated and,  if appropriate, added to the list.

“This should prove to skeptics once and for all that the Secretary is deadly serious about our national security,” an unnamed DHS official noted to HM reporters after the announcement.  “Americans can rest assured that not one innocent life will be taken by flying monkeys on her watch!” Other DHS staff were not so confident however. “This is a pretty big gamble, one TSA official confided. “I mean, we have to be right 100% of the time, but the monkeys only have to be right once…”

According to the new directive, pistol packing primates will be required to either check their weapons with their luggage, or show valid law enforcement credentials to TSA agents at airport security gates.  Other common monkey carry-ons like bananas, cymbals, those little red fezzes, and small termite mounds will be allowed as long as they are sealed in 32 ounce zip lock bags.

In a swift reaction to this new directive, Bobo, the national chairman of CAIR (Chimpanzees Advocating Islamic Revolution), declared that ninety percent of all monkeys were peaceful hard working hominids and that the new DHS policy amounted to nothing less than primate profiling.  He noted that most monkeys would never see, speak, nor hear of such evil, and that CAIR was in talks with the ACLU about possible legal action against DHS.  When Head Muscle reporters tried to press him on the issue however, noting that monkeys could be pretty mean, he became agitated and started throwing his poop.

PETA also spoke up in opposition, stating that the new directive would precipitate a backlash against monkeys around the world.  “It really is tragic,” a PETA spokesperson commented to HM. “Our culture is already full of negative monkey images, and this only adds fuel to the fire.  Just look at what the media has done over the years. First you have King Kong wrecking Manhattan, then King Louie kidnapping Mowgli the man cub, and let’s not even get into the whole Wizard of Oz thing! It should be no surprise to anyone that monkeys are getting kicked off airplanes!”

Charles Bolden of NASA weighed in as well, reminding the world that monkeys actually went into space months before humans, and that we should all be mindful of their contributions to science and culture. “NASA will do everthing in its power to ensure that monkeys around the world know that they are special…even if they have really weird looking butts,” he announced.

Despite all the  criticisms, President Obama released a brief statement noting that the steps taken by Secretary Napolitano, though unfortunate, were absolutely critical to our national security. He also noted that if Bush had addressed the radical monkey issue years ago instead of wasting time in Iraq, the current crisis could have been avoided.

Though no other animal species have stepped up in solidarity with the monkeys, a group of three toed sloths released a statement today urging caution in implementing the new directive.  In their statement they made it clear that, though there are some physical similarities, sloths are ‘xenarthrans’ and not related to primates in any way. The group also noted that sloths are by nature agnostic, and not prone to acts of martyrdom. <<Developing>>

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Head Muscle Head Lines

Obama Uses Stimulus Funds to Stop Oil Leak

HM Press –This afternoon, a spokesperson for the Obama administration announced that the President will use $500 billion in stimulus dollars to plug the gulf oil leak.   According to the spokesperson, British Petroleum will begin pumping the currency into the hole later this week.   He noted that small denominations will used to maximize the volume.  When queried about the logic of such a move, the spokesperson quipped, “well, after seeing how much good pumping these dollars into the economy did, President Obama feels like this is the next best alternative.”

EPA Announces New “Hybrids for Hobos” Program

HM Press – EPA Administrator, Lisa P. Jackson, unveiled a new plan this week to provide government funded Hybrids to vagrants and panhandlers. “This landmark plan will not only stimulate the automobile industry, it will also help our homeless become more environmentally conscious,” Ms. Jackson noted. “Everyone knows that we will never solve the homeless problem in this country until we first get carbon emissions under control…so this initiative just makes good common sense.” Critics of the plan note that, unless the program also covers undocumented immigrants, it will only solve part of the problem.

Vice President Biden Unloads on Second Grader

HM Press – In yet another public slip of the tongue, VP Joe Biden accused a second grader of being a “ little smart a**” during an elementary school visit and photo opportunity today.  Apparently the young boy raised his hand and asked the VP why the government had not yet found his daddy a new job.  According to witnesses, Biden’s demeanor changed instantly, and he turned and asked the child’s teacher, “who the little smart a**was.”  Before the teacher could respond however, he turned back to the assembled group of second graders and announced that he would not take anymore questions from a bunch of junior smart a**es, and then headed for the door.  As he stomped out of the classroom, witnesses noted that they heard him mumbling something about frozen custard. <<DEVELOPING>>

Janet Napolitano Announces Border Ballot Initiative

HM Press- Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano announced last week that ballot boxes would be installed on the Mexican side of the border fence in preparation for the 2010 election.  “Now undocumented immigrants will be able to vote without the inconvenience of sneaking into the country first,” she told a room of correspondents.  Under the plan, ballots will be inserted into the boxes on the south side of the border and retrieved through an access door on the north side.  She also noted that, in areas where there was no wall, National Guard troops would be used to hold the boxes on election day.

Obama Caught Referring to Biden as “Fredo”

HM Press – After his speech on immigration, Obama was caught by a hot mike asking one of his staffers where Fredo was.  After being cornered by our HM reporter on the scene, a staffer conceded that the term ‘Fredo’ was used to refer to the Vice President.   He emphasized however, that the President meant nothing derogatory by the label and had the utmost of respect for the VP.   Biden released a statement later in the day in response to the President’s slip which stated simply:

“I’m smart. I’m not like they say I am!  I can do things….”

No apologies have been released from the White House as of yet, but rumor has it that Rahm Emanuel is scheduled to take the Vice President fishing later today.

One Person Still Reportedly Supports Obama’s Economic Plan

HM Exclusive – After an exhaustive global search, Head Muscle Press has been able to locate one person that still supports President Obama’s economic recovery plan.  “I am very happy with his direction,” Obama’s final hold-out supporter noted to HM reporters.  “He has achieved in 18 months, things what many could only dream of,” he continued.  “I think we can all learn something from his approach.”  Unfortunately, before HM reporters could press him any further Fidel was ushered out of the room by his secret police force to attend a political execution.  <<DEVELOPING>>

Cuba Reelected as UN Human Rights Council Chairman

HM Press – In a stunning announcement last week, the UN General Secretary announced that Cuba would head the UN Human Rights Council (UNHRC) for the next three years.  Cuba’s representative graciously accepted the new role and promised members of the general assembly that, as the chair, Cuba would hold the council and its members to the highest standards. Shortly after accepting the nomination, the Cuban representative  had all other UNHRC members arrested and  executed.

ACLU Demands Affirmative Action for No-Fly List

HM Press – The ACLU is now threatening to sue federal authorities responsible for developing the terrorist no-fly list on the grounds that the list is racially and culturally biased.  According to the ACLU the list contains far too many names of muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40.  “There is still time avoid immediate civil litigation however,” an ACLU spokesperson noted.  “The Department of Homeland Security must immediately modify the list to include names such as Bubba, Joe, Melvin, and Latoya.  Only then will Americans be able fly our nation’s airways free from terrifying grip of political incorrectness.”  <<Developing>>

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Obama Takes Charge Of Gulf Oil Spill

Head Muscle Press (4 June 2010) – Just two days after reassuring America that the gulf oil spill was his top priority, President Barack Obama showed the world his resolve.  In a dramatic move designed to bring a speedy end to what could become the worst ecological crisis in our nation’s history, President Obama hosted a Paul McCartney concert in the White House East Room.  After the concert, Obama reaffirmed his concern for the people of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida by presenting Sir Paul McCartney with the Gershwin Award, America’s highest musical honor.  “Tonight was a fantastic opportunity for the President to show all Americans just how seriously he is taking this crisis in that…um…Mexican ocean area,” Janet Napolitano beamed to reporters after the concert. “Now, no one can question his priorities.”

Sources close to the administration confided to HM that President Obama had been feeling the heat for some time, and knew he had to act fast. “He called the entire staff into his office to brainstorm a solution,” our source recalled. “We put everything on the table; we even considered asking the Jonas Brothers to do an encore performance! Absolutely nothing was ruled out.” Our source went on to explain that Obama had even discussed holding a media event with the Houston Oilers, but eventually decided that it would just be too much too fast. Apparently, after hours of heated debate, the President finally put his foot down and insisted that a Paul McCartney concert was the only viable course of action.  On condition of strict anonymity (as usual) our White House source agreed to provide us further detail.  A transcript of the HM Exclusive interview follows:

HM: So, how exactly did having a Paul McCartney concert at the White House help stop the oil spill?

Source: Well the concert alone didn’t do anything, but it was an important first step.

HM: (curiously) A first step for what?

Source: (rolling eyes) Well reuniting the Beatles of course?  They are one of Obama’s favorite groups.  He really likes the short funny one – Dingo.

HM: (clearing throat) You mean Ringo…

Source: (waving hand) Hey, I ‘m not going to get into any political name calling here…this is a crisis.

HM: (confused)  So how in the world is reuniting The Beatles going stop the oil spill?

Source: Well it is a complex plan but, if Obama can get them all back together, he is hoping that they will take him down to the broken pipe in their yellow submarine.  If they can get him down there, he might be able to stop the spill.

HM: (in disbelief) Are you being serious?

Source: Most certainly. It is the only viable solution left.

HM: How would he stop the oil once he got down there in the…um…yellow submarine?

Source: It will be a process. First, he will have direct one-on-one talks with the spill. He will apologize for America’s role in the leak, and then try to reason with it.  He may even offer it a job if it will agree to stop running.

HM: What about just putting a cap on it?

Source: (smiling) Oh, believe me, he plans to cap a lot more than just this oil spill. Never let a good crisis go to waste you know!

HM: And he actually thinks he can do this?

Source: Well…it will be a team effort. He will need a little help from his friends…ha! Get it?

HM: (speaking slowly) The President does know that two of The Beatles are dead right?

Source: (shocked) Dear God! That means we have to activate Plan B!

HM: What is ‘Plan B?’

Source: (rubbing chin) Well it is still kind of sketchy, but Obama plans to nationalize Brittany Spears.

HM: Brittany Spears….what the heck can she do?

Source: Nothing – Obama just thinks she’s hot….It’s not really important anyway, in just a few days James Cameron will be taking charge of the entire operation.

HM: Interesting…what exactly is Cameron’s plan for stopping the oil?

Source: For starters he is going to have Celine Dion write a killer theme song for it. It will be Grammy stuff.

HM: And then?

Source: Well, he has not finalized the script yet, but it will likely involve Leonardo DiCaprio dangling Spongebob Squarepants over the slick from a helicopter gun ship.

HM: Spongebob?

Source: Yeah, he is an absorbent little fellow. It should be very dramatic.

HM: (in amazement) Does the President actually think that this will work?

Source: Not really, but it should get Cameron an Oscar nomination. He is still pretty down about Avatar, and needs a pick-me-up.

HM: (exhausted) You know, I hate to be rude here, but none of this makes any sense. These are all really wacky ideas.

Source: (rolling eyes) You anti-Obama people are always going to find fault with the President’s approach.  The fact is, in this moment of crisis, Obama is desperately trying to reach out and unify all Americans around one indisputable fact.

HM: Really?  What would that be?

Source: Brittany really is hot. I mean…you know…wow.

HM: (exasperated sigh) You must forgive me, but this is just nonsense.  None of these plans will do anything to stop the oil spill!

Source: Hey, don’t blame Obama.  If Bush had not killed the other two Beatles, we would already have their submarine!

HM: (shocked) Wait a minute….are you actually blaming Bush for…

Source: (interrupting) All I am saying is that someone should warn Dingo. He could be next…

HM: I’m sorry, this just does not….

[Source’s cell phone rings.]

Source: Excuse me a moment…..Hello?  Oh my God! That is terrible! Get the Admiral on the line…I am on my way.

Source: (Hanging up) I’m sorry, but I have to go deal with this crisis right away.

HM: The oil spill?

Source: No, Obama’s approval rating just dropped another 5 points! We have to do something fast!  Hey…you wouldn’t happen to have Lady Gaga’s cell number would you?

With that, our source scurried out of the room thumbing his Blackberry. One thing is for sure, if nothing else, President Obama is more than aware of what this crisis is doing to his approval ratings.  Perhaps this realization will generate more action and less song and dance from the White House. Regardless of the outcome however, it seems as if Obama will be submarining for the foreseeable future. <<DEVELOPING>>

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High Noon for President Obama

This afternoon President Obama met with his national security and law enforcement leads to determine what steps were necessary to ensure the security of our air transportation system.  Shortly after this meeting, he made his long anticipated statement to the American people.   After being delayed by yet another airport scare he walked out to the podium and spoke. The gist of his statement was simple:

“We did not connect the dots, our intelligence system failed, and I am going to fix it – quickly.”

He then informed viewers that he had directed his leads to conduct a full analysis of what must be done and report their findings to him later this week. He was somber, took no questions, and walked away immediately after making his statement. He looked focused and determined.

We commend our Commander-in-Chief for taking responsibility for the failures that led up to the 12/25 attack, and we truly wish him success. Succeed or fail however, this incident amounts to nothing less than a “High Noon” moment for our new President.  Americans want to have a reasonable assurance of security when traveling, and they clearly expect Obama to take immediate and decisive action.  It is now his turn to stand alone in the street without any political finger pointing, and show the American People that he has the brass to take on the bad guys.  Americans, once again, have terrorism on their top ten lists and they have traditionally been wary of the Democrat Party’s resolve to deal with it.  This is, simply put, Obama’s first public showdown with Osama the Kid….and he better win.

While Head Muscle clearly does not support many of President Obama’s policies, this is one instance that we are truly rooting for him. Not because we like him or think he is a good President, but because our national security, economy, and personal safety are all at stake.  The good news is that, this afternoon, he stood before his townspeople like a good sheriff and owned up to the task at hand. That being said however,  there are real signs that Obama is not stepping out into the street with a fully loaded gun:

Alleged-Terrorist -During Obama’s address this afternoon he once again referred to the Detroit bomber as an “alleged-terrorist.”  Now, let’s see…he was trained by Al Qaeda to ignite explosives hidden in his underwear on a commercial airliner. Using this same logic, Adolf Hitler is only an alleged-mass murderer. After all, he never really had his day in court. Employing this type of political correctness in the face of such a blatant threat, is tantamount to loading your six shooter with blanks. The way you win a shootout is to call your enemy out into the street by name, look him in the eye, and shoot him down in full view of all onlookers. This not only relieves you of any future threat from him, it also sends a clear message to all other potential villains that you plan to do the same to them.   By hesitating to call terrorists what they are, Obama is stepping out into the street and then asking his opponent for confirmation that he is really a bad guy prior to shooting.  The result – an exploding aircraft.

The word “alleged” also implies that anyone engaged in terror against the US will be afforded the very same legal due process that US Citizens are entitled to.  This emboldens the villain, because he knows that he can shoot the sheriff in cold blood and still have a chance at freedom. Instead of certain death as a consequence for blowing up an airliner, maybe he will get a mistrial and walk!  You can almost hear them talking together in their hideout.  “No Abdul, don’t kill people in Chechnya, the Russians will just execute you if you are caught. Kill people in America.  If they catch you they will just send you to Chicago.” Sheriff Obama needs to make it clear that he is shooting to kill. This is the only thing that the townspeople, and the bad guys, will respect.  Anything else will be perceived as weakness.

Al Qaeda Extremists – After eight years of battling Al Qaeda and watching these wretched sub-human scum balls kill innocents from Indonesia to Spain, our Commander-in-Chief  still calls them “extremists.”  By doing this, he not only cheapens the global crusade against terror, he also makes terrorists morally equivalent to other extremists groups like the Sierra Club, PETA, Green Peace and, dare I say,  conservative Christians. Certainly every religion has extremists…what is the big deal? It is a subtle erosion of the truth that, over time, causes everyone to forget what the threat really is. If our sheriff is going to protect the townspeople, he needs to be clear about who he is fighting. In this case it is Osama the Kid, a murderin’ varmint that got spit onto Earth right out of Hell itself, not an “extremist.” If Obama is going to fight the good fight, he needs to start using the right words and show Americans that he knows who the enemy is.

Napolitano Still Employed – This is perhaps the biggest travesty of all.  Janet Napolitano makes Gabby Hayes look like Clint Eastwood. Any sheriff knows that, if he is going to survive the shootout, he will need a good deputy watching the rooftops. When Deputy Napolitano spots a sniper on the saloon roof however, she waits for the bartender to shoot him and then pats her team on the back for having such a good system.  This is gross incompetence of the highest order, and Obama needs to send a signal to the rest of his posse that this type of bureaucratic ineptitude will no longer be tolerated. The fact that he has not already replaced her, makes him appear to be more concerned with his cabinet’s welfare than the American People’s.

Still no Profiling – Obama also noted in his statement that he directed more immediate security measures be put in place. There would be immediate increases in bomb sensors, police dogs, baggage checks, and pat downs. Additionally, over the last few days the news has been filled with stories of the airlines banning carry-on bags, blankets, and even reading material.   The flaw with this type of thinking is that it centers its focus on the weapon and not the person.   In order for the sheriff to do his job, he must know what the bad guy looks like.  We all know that western villains wear black hats, have thin mustaches, and dark beady eyes.  If our sheriff went around picking people at random and calling them into the street for justice, he would never find his nemesis.  How stupid our sheriff would look standing 20 paces away from a little old lady in a wheelchair.  Sound foolish?  Well it is. Unfortunately that is the approach that has been mandated in our nation’s airports.  History shows us that people who blow up airplanes are typically Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 35.  They buy one-way tickets with cash the day of the flight, and seldom have any luggage.   Why then do we stop the little old lady and frisk her?  Are we that stupid?  No, we are just terrified of being accused of racial discrimination by the ACLU crowd.  In reality, there is a difference between racial profiling and looking for terrorists.   Our politicians, however, have simply not been able to  cross that cognitive channel.  In their minds it is actually better to lose 300 people on an airplane than be accused of discrimination and, based on Obama’s comments, we have no reasonable expectation that this will change anytime soon.

So, here we are at high noon. Our hero has a chance to load his gun, call the bad guy into the street, shoot him dead in front of all the townspeople, and establish himself as the Wyatt Earp of airline security.   It is now 11:59AM and all the town is wondering what he will do.  They want the bad guy who has been terrorizing them dead, and they are demanding that the sheriff take care of business.  If he does, it will establish him as a worthy peacekeeper. If he does not, the townspeople will likely start looking for a new sheriff in 2012. Make no mistake, this is Obama’s defining moment. Perhaps it is even more defining than health care. This is the infamous first term test that we have heard so much about in the news. The streets are empty in anticipation of the fight, and curious eyes peek out from behind every curtain and sash. The town holds its collective breath as the courthouse clock begins to chime…one…two…three…four…

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