Obama Mandates Blanks For Military Weapons

Head Muscle Press (11 April, 2010) – This past week Obama has dramatically reshaped America’s security policy by pledging to reduce our nuclear arsenal by thirty percent, and promising our adversaries that we would not use nukes on them, even if they attacked with chemical or biological weapons.  Though the President has received harsh criticism for these moves, it would seem that he is only just beginning.   In a surprise announcement early this morning, a White House spokesperson told stunned reporters that military units deploying to Iraq and Afghanistan will be issued blank cartridges for their weapons. “We have studied this very closely,” the spokesperson announced, “and we have determined that the leading cause of enemy fatalities on the battlefield, is US inflicted gunshot wounds.  The President feels that this cannot continue, and that we must take immediate steps to reduce these tragic combat-related enemy casualties.”  According to the President’s plan, military units will begin deploying into the theater with blank cartridges by late this summer.  These units will be deployed to areas where fighting has been heaviest over the past year, and coincidentally where the most enemy gunshot fatalities have been recorded.  “Obama believes that, by focusing in these areas, we should see and immediate and substantial increase in enemy survival rates during combat operations,” the spokesperson noted. “The President’s revolutionary new approach should put a stop to combat related enemy casualties once and for all.” Some military analysts are already projecting that, under Obama’s plan,  America is on track to reach French levels of wartime non-lethality by 2012.

Our source then invited us to a desert shooting range, to observe a group of troops already training in this new type of non-combat.  While at the range, our source also agreed to a short interview. Transcript follows:

(Shooting in the background)

HM: (yelling) Thank you so much for the opportunity to come out to observe this new training. Can you tell me exactly what is going on?

Source: (yelling back) Sure, it is really quite simple.  Each person you see shooting has their magazines loaded with the new round, and they are familiarizing themselves its operational capabilities.

HM: So are they all firing blank cartridges?

Source: Please! Obama would never send our troops into combat with “blanks!”  How absurd!  They are actually Projectile Deficient Simulated Rounds, or PDSRs as we call them.

HM: (pausing) So, what exactly are they shooting…at?

Source: Well, if you look downrange, you will see a number of hostile pop-up targets appear.  When the Soldier sees the target, he fires his new PDSR equipped weapon at it.

HM: (confused) But there are no bullets to hit the targets with?  What’s the point?

Source: (rolling eyes) Well – obviously – the point is not to kill them! Were you not listening at the press conference?

HM: Yes, but I’m still not sure that I get it. All these new rounds do is make noise.

Source: (exhaling heavily) Well, Obama believes that if we can make enough noise, over time, our enemies will see the futility of their resistance and just…well…give up.

HM: That sure sounds like a crazy plan to me.

Source: It worked for the health care bill didn’t it?

HM: Oh…good point.  So how long before everyone in-theater is shooting the new blanks…I mean PDSRs?

Source: Well a logistical movement of this magnitude will take time.  We have millions of conventional rounds which will have to be used up first. But the good news is, we’ve come up with a couple of contingency plans to minimize enemy casualties in the meantime.

HM: Oh really? Can you tell us about them?

Source: Well first, Central Command has issued a directive to all combat units that, when engaging in combat, they are to miss their enemies when firing on them.

HM: Miss their enemies?

Source: Yeah, I mean, they shoot and everything.. just not at the people shooting at them.  We are suggesting that they pick a pretty cloud or a sand dune, and shoot at them if possible.  It’s a pretty good interim plan, but not foolproof.

HM: Why not?

Source: Well, for 8 full years, the Bush administration had a policy of training our Soldiers and Marines to kill our enemies. Obama really inherited a mess in that respect.  It is going to take him some time to fix things.

HM: So you are concerned that until the new PDSRs arrive, some enemy casualties are inevitable even with the “mandatory miss” order?

Source: Regrettably so but, if it becomes a real problem, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have come up with a plan to deal with that as well.

HM: Oh really? What is it?

Source: Well…this is technically top secret, but…..oh what the heck.  If enemy killing gets too rampant, we have a plan to deploy a US led UN Security contingent to protect them from our US forces.

HM: (baffled) What? You mean a US led force would actually protect our enemies from other US forces?

Source: Why of course! Obama would never allow US troops to be led by a foreign UN commander? Do you think he’s a nut or something?

HM: So we could actually see a scenario where US forces are fighting each other to protect our enemies?

Source: Yep. What a powerful way for Obama to show the world his commitment to ending the war!  It really makes me well up with pride….

HM: (in disbelief) Well it’s a “change”…that’s for sure.

Source: Well I have to run. We are testing Obama’s new hand grenade design today.

HM: (encouraged) Oh, so our troops will still have hand grenades?

Source: Well kind of…these new grenades are a little different though.

HM: How so?

Source: Well for one thing – they’re chocolate.

HM: (shocked) Chocolate?

Source: Yes, but only a mild milk chocolate. The terrorists don’t seem to digest the dark stuff to easily. They get….well….the poopies.

HM: So we are going to throw chocolate grenades at our enemies?

Source: Yeah, but that solid chocolate can leave quite a welt if it hits one of them on the head.  I think that we may end up having to fill them with fluffy nougat to soften the impact.  It will make them lower fat as well…

With that our source departed for the an undisclosed proving ground to observe the new chocolate grenade test.  At the end of the day, it seems as if Obama has mandated a fundamental change to the way our forces will fight…or not fight during combat.  Though unprecedented, it seems very much in line with his self-imposed nuclear restrictions, stockpile reductions, and passive acceptance of Iran’s nuclear ambitions.  Whether or not his new policies will actually work, will undoubtedly be a subject of considerable debate over the next several months. One thing seems certain however, thanks to Obama, the US will be firing blanks on the world stage for some time to come.

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From the Mouth of a Tyrant

There is a storm coming, and it may well be closer than we think.  Soon, the flash of light we see on the horizon may not be lightning, but rather the glow from a nuclear test somewhere in the Iranian wilderness.  As we occupy ourselves with political issues like health care reform, cap-and-trade, jobs bills, and bank taxes our enemy, Iran, is building a nuclear weapon.  Make no mistake about it, all other global crises considered, Iran’s effort  to build a bomb is the defining issue of the next decade.  If they succeed in their quest and deliver a weapon to Hamas, Al Qaeda, or Hezbollah, millions of lives will be held hostage and the world as we know it may truly cease to exist.

This storm is no surprise however.  Iran has been quite outspoken on its desire to become a nuclear power and, thanks to people like A.Q Khan, they will soon have enough operational centrifuges to refine the fuel for about 20 bombs a year.  Even the IAEA has come out and admitted in their latest report that Iran’s  nuclear program appears to have military implications.   What about their intentions with such a weapon though?  Could it truly be defensive in nature? Fortunately, we do not have to rely on third party conjecture here, we have Mahmoud himself!  President Ahmadinejad has, in fact,  told the world what they can expect from Iran as soon as they have “the bomb.”  Just in case you have forgotten, here it is again – straight from the mouth of a tyrant:

“The Zionist regime wants to establish its base upon the ruins of the civilizations of the region…The uniform shout of the Iranian nation is forever ‘Death to Israel.’…” – October 2009 Fars News Agency

“This (the Israeli) regime’s days are numbered and it is on its way to collapse. This regime is dying.” – September 2009  Al Quds rally Tehran

“Don’t be afraid of those Zionists. They are on the verge of death. Their time has passed. Do not surrender your people to them…Unless they are put in their place at the very beginning of their conspiracy, they will jeopardize the security of the whole world, they will jeopardize the security of the whole region… They want the entire world. At their very first step, you must crush their step, crush their leg, so that they do not dare to invade the Islamic lands”  – April 2009 Iranian News Channel interview

“I have heard some say the idea of Greater Israel has expired….I say that the idea of lesser Israel has expired, too.” – September 2009 Press Conference Tehran

“We will witness the dismantling of the corrupt regime (Israel) in the very near future.” – August 2008 Speech in Tehran

“Today the reason for the Zionist regime’s existence is questioned, and this regime is on its way to annihilation.…” May 2008 remarks on Israeli Independence Day

“With God’s help, the countdown button for the destruction of the Zionist regime has been pushed by the hands of the children of Lebanon andPalestine . . . By God’s will, we will witness the destruction of this regime in the near future.” April 2008 quote Fars News Agency

“The Zionists are the true manifestation of Satan . . . “ February 2007 Meeting in Khartoum

“Thanks to people’s wishes and God’s will the trend for the existence of the Zionist regime is downwards and this is what God has promised and what all nations want…Just as the Soviet Union was wiped out and today does not exist, so will the Zionist regime soon be wiped out.” – December 2006 Holocaust Conference

“Israel is destined for destruction and will soon disappear. Israel is a contradiction to nature, we foresee its rapid disappearance and destruction.” – November 2006

“The Zionist regime is counterfeit and illegitimate and cannot survive” – October 2006 Iranian Television

Never does Mahmoud explicitly state that Iran will wipe Israel off  the face of the map, but rather he says that this will be accomplished by the Palestinians.  Is this nothing more than rhetoric designed solely to draw regional favor, or is it something far more insidious?  Perhaps, just perhaps, he is telling Hamas and Hezbollah that they will soon receive the tool that they need to destroy Israel forever.  If such a weapon were deployed and detonated by one of these groups, Iran would have all the plausible denial that they would need to avoid direct confrontation with the west. They would even vow to help find the culprit while giving a behind the scenes “wink” to their friends. It is the perfect scenario for a perfect storm.

Our President however, seems content to walk into the hurricane with little more than a pocket umbrella. While Mahmoud continues to make statements like the ones above, Obama responds with a brand of soft diplomacy that would make Neville Chamberlain wince:

“For nearly three decades relations between our nations have been strained, but at this holiday we are reminded of the common humanity that binds us together…This process will not be advanced by threats. We seek instead engagement that is honest and grounded in mutual respect.” – President Obama’s 2009 video appeal to Iranian People.

These words would fail to send shivers down even the weakest leader’s spine. They are almost conciliatory in their tone and convey a weaknesses of US will that neither Tomahawk Missiles nor F-16s can fix. In the end, they may generate some type of “Munich Agreement” but will do little to stop the advancing storm. It is no wonder that our little friend the tyrant presses on.  He truly believes that he has nothing to fear, and maybe he is right.

So, as time progresses and our leaders continue to prattle on about sanctions and international pressure, please listen closely to the words of our tyrant friend.  He is forecasting the track of a great storm, and its eye is headed directly for Jerusalem and freedom loving people everywhere.  We may still have time to avoid the storm, but decisive military action is the only answer, and it must be taken without delay.  If we do not act now, and act decisively, then no one should feel rage on the dark day that the storm strikes…only shame.

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A Hypothetical Scenario

It was early Tuesday morning in Tehran. Dawn was still hours away, and a cool desert breeze drifted between buildings and into open windows.  The city was quiet, lost in an uneasy sleep.  It had been a politically charged winter full of street protests, police crackdowns, political assassinations, and international posturing.  UN sanctions had been somewhat tempered by “covert” supply shipments from Russia, but shortages of everything from fuel to farm equipment were slowly starting to bleed the Iranian economy.  On this sleepy April morning, the Iranian government found itself on the verge of political collapse and desperate to preserve its power – at any cost.  In recent talks with the UN, Iranian leadership had once again refused to compromise on its “peaceful” nuclear program and the US and France had successfully led the charge for tougher sanctions. In addition, NATO had  just completed a well publicized blockade exercise in the North Arabian Sea.  To make matters worse, IRGC intelligence recently received reports that Israeli Mossad operatives were entering the country in record numbers. Despite repeated efforts to locate these insurgents, the IRGC had come up empty.  President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had also stirred the pot once again by referring to Israel as “a walking cemetery.”  World consensus was that something would happen very soon. Media pundits had been forecasting an Israeli led strike against Iran for the better part of two years but, to date, the planes had not come. For this Mahmoud was thankful, it had given him what he needed most – time.

What the world did not know, was that Iran had secretly started its uranium enrichment program quite a few years earlier than initially reported, and had actually constructed a bomb almost a year earlier than predicted.  What Iran needed however, was a way to deliver it.  A ballistic missile would be too vulnerable to Israeli missile defense systems, and the weapon they had built was not designed to fit into a missile payload.  An air strike was also out of the question because Iran simply did not have the capability to fly a bomber from Syria through Israeli air defenses.  The one thing that Iran did have however, was Hamas. For the past year, Al Qud and Hamas operatives had been smuggling the bomb into Israel in pieces and carefully reassembling it. It was now complete, operational, and in position. The Mossad had been alerted several times during the operation, but had been drawn off the trail by well orchestrated decoy smuggling missions.  The bomb was secure and the order to use it had been given by the Supreme Leader. This morning would truly be different than any other.

President Ahmadinejad knew the ramifications of detonating a nuclear bomb in Israel and wanted to make sure he had a solid plan. The detonation would be followed immediately by coordinated attacks from Syria, Gaza, and Lebanon.  Hamas, Hezbollah, and Iranian backed Syrian troops would flood into Israel under a heavy barrage of rocket fire and engage IDF ground forces.   Suicide bombers had also been infiltrating the country for months and were ready to wreak havoc on every major Israeli city. Mahmoud knew that the IDF would have significant technical superiority and would likely repel the waves of martyrs that would be thrown at them. In fact, he was prepared for it to be an outright slaughter.  He also knew that Israel would likely launch one or two nuclear weapons at Tehran in response. This was, in fact, his ultimate goal.  Mahmoud knew that even Iran could not destroy Israel single handedly, and that it would take a unified effort from all the regional powers to drive them into the sea. In the Supreme Leader’s view, Israel launching nuclear weapons against an Islamic state would be the ultimate act of war, and would unite Iran’s neighbors in the common cause of Israel’s destruction. Those who refused and kept their alignment with the west, would have such internal strife that their governments would be at risk of collapse.

Soon the global news channels would be filled with scenes of screaming Palestinian women crouched over their dead sons and daughters as Israeli tanks rolled by. Certainly, there would also be coverage of the carnage in Israel, but Mahmoud planned to deny openly that it was an Iranian bomb and perhaps even suggest that it was the Israelis who fired the first shot. The thought of such a blatant lie actually amused him. Soon the UN would be abuzz with accusations of war crimes and calls for restraint. Israel, fueled by anger, would refuse to stop the engagement, and Iran’s new martyr status would draw their Arabic neighbors into the fight.  This time surely Allah would be with them and Israel would fall into the sea. His commanders had hoped to wait a few more months before striking, but he knew that every day they waited, the Mossad was getting closer and closer.  Forces had been amassing on the border with Israel under the guise of an exercise for several weeks.  Israel was watching closely, but had no idea of what was coming.  At 4:35 am Tuesday morning, the doomsday clock struck midnight. It was time.

The bright ball of light that appeared in the sky south of Beersheba was not the sun.  It was the fireball from a 10 kiloton atomic bomb.  Iran had carefully picked this target for several reasons.  First and foremost was the damage it would do to Beersheba and its 190,000 innocent residents. Secondly, it was far enough from the Holy City that it would not destroy Al Aqsa.  Iran could not risk angering the people that they were trying to impress, so Jerusalem could not be damaged…yet.  The bomb was carried in a truck several miles south of town into the Negev to ensure that it was far enough away from the Holy City, and then manually detonated by a carefully chosen martyr.  The rocky Negev terrain instantly turned into a sea of molten sand and fire. News reports would later say that the explosion was felt as far away as Cairo. Within seconds the peaceful town of Beersheba lay in smoldering ruin. The great war had begun.

The one miscalculation that Iran made however, was the speed and ferocity of Israel’s response.  Air Force F-15’s were scrambled almost immediately from around the country and were in the air before the mushroom cloud to the south had finished rising.  They decimated pre-planned targets in the West bank, Syria, Lebanon, and Gaza.  Ground forces, having been in a constant state of alert for months, started a massive shelling of Hamas and Syrian strongholds. Almost immediately, advancing Syrian and Palestinian forces were put on the defensive and forward progress into Israel was stopped cold.  All around the country, bomb laden martyrs blew themselves up but, by that time, war-savvy Israeli citizens had barricaded themselves into their homes and bunkers limiting any real casualties.  Rockets rained down on Israeli towns, but their indiscriminate targeting posed more of a nuisance than a real military threat. Israel, had shown up to fight however, and was in the process of systematically destroying her adversaries. Fighting for her very survival, she pounced upon her attackers like an angry lioness. Never again would Israel fall…Never Again!

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, five pillars of fire rose into the sky. They ascended rapidly into the hazy dawn and arched out of sight.  Those who saw them wondered at their eerie beauty.  These were not the usual Qassam rockets that Israelis had become so accustomed to seeing.  These rockets were special, they were Israeli, and they were heading to the Northeast. Within the hour Iran was rocked with a series of cataclysmic explosions.  Tehran,  Bandar Abbas, Mushad, and Shiraz were in flames. Hundreds of thousands were incinerated as they lay in their beds.  Underground bunkers shook with the fury of  10 earthquakes but held up. Much of the nation’s communication infrastructure was immediately destroyed by EMP, but Iran’s Russian-built command and control systems were operating satisfactorily.  Slowly, reports began to trickle into their command centers that the ground assault on Israel, had not only been halted but was being pushed back in fierce fighting.  They also received reports that the Israeli jets were coming. Two squadrons were airborne and traveling 1,600 miles to conduct precision strikes against new targets deep in Iran, possibly with more atomic weapons. Operational air defense units equipped with modern Russian built TOR-M surface-to-air missiles were placed on high alert and directed to engage.

Then there was America. Iran’s leadership had calculated that President Obama would be slow to act, and would attempt to work for a ceasefire through the UN prior to launching any type of supporting strike on Iran.  They knew that Bush would not have waited, but Obama was something of a wildcard. President Mahmoud was betting that he was more of a sheep than a wolf. As for the Gulf, they would keep it open for the time being.  Perhaps the Americans would sail three or four carriers through the straits as a show of force. If they did, closing the door behind them would be much easier than closing it in front of them.  If the Americans chose to fight in the Persian gulf, Iran would use their corvettes, mine layers, and land launched anti-surface missiles to turn it into a deadly mousetrap.

There was a chance however, that things would not go as planned. Mahmoud and the IRGC commanders understood this risk and had presented a contingency plan to the Supreme Leader for approval.  Over the past several months Iran had moved a significant force to its southeastern border with Pakistan.  If necessary, they would respond by conducting a coordinated attack on the fragile Pakistani military with the Taliban forces in the north.  Their plan, surround Islamabad, and attempt to take possession of Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal, not to use, but rather to provoke India into a full scale preemptive strike.  The thought of having the Taliban in charge of Pakistani nuclear weapons was unthinkable to the Indians and they would stop at nothing, including nuclear war, to prevent this from happening. The US would be forced to intercede in order to gain control of Pakistani nukes before a second regional nuclear war ignited and overflowed. This would draw US forces too thin across Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, and Pakistan to conduct any meaningful offensive against Iran.  Russia would also step in at this point and forbid the US from conducting a ground invasion. They would then take on a UN sanctioned peace broker roll while secretly sending arms and supplies to Iran.

Starting the war was a huge risk but, in Mahmoud’s mind, a well calculated one. So far, everything seemed to be going as planned. The damage from Israel’s nuclear counter-strike had been devastating, but acceptable.  Governments around the world were already meeting in emergency sessions. The UN Security Council was convening, and Libya, Saudi Arabia, and Yemen had just publicly accused Israel of starting the conflict. Soon thousands would be in the streets for “staged” protests. CNN World News was capturing pictures of bombed out apartment buildings in Gaza, and President Obama had already issued an appeal to Israel for, “restraint in the face of tragedy.”  Things were going well. Mahmoud could not help but smile as he watched the news reports from deep inside his command bunker. Things were going very well indeed.

Head Muscle salutes our friends and allies in Israel, and wishes them Godspeed in the defense of their nation.

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