The Scarlet I

Head Muscle Press (March 10, 2010) As President Obama is out on the road this week stumping for his government health care plan, rumors are flying around Washington that he is about to sign an executive order requiring all insurance companies to display a scarlet “I” on their storefronts.  Sources say that, by signing this order, Obama will finally force these greedy profiteers out into the light of day for all to see.  Rumor has it that, Obama could sign the executive order any day, and is giddy with excitement at thought of bringing one sixth of our nation’s economy under government control.   To help speed the process along, the administration has already developed an approved poster for insurance  companies to display in their windows.  HM was able to come by the below “unauthorized” copy:

Our source conceded that the above design is somewhat lackluster, but assured us that Obama has already asked the National Endowment for the Arts to come up with a few more “ideologically correct” designs. Though still unofficial, he provided HM with a few of the proofs currently under consideration:

In addition to displaying the mandated posters, the executive order will also require insurance company employees to sew a cloth “I” onto the lapel of their work clothes.  Failure to do so will result in hefty penalties and even imprisonment.  When asked if this was constitutional, our source reminded us that the President sees our constitution as nothing more than a “charter of negative liberties,” and that nowhere did it explicitly prohibit the government from making people sew cloth letters onto their clothing.

Though many in the majority are in favor of this this move, opponents are saying that Obama’s insurance company bashing  is nothing but ideological rhetoric designed to destroy an entire industry sector.  Critics point out that, despite Obama’s accusations, the average profit margin for health insurance companies is only about 3.4% and that, despite poor margins, they continue to serve about 90% of the American public very well.  Democrat supporters respond by accusing their opponents of  being for insurance companies and against America. In reaction to heavy Republican dissent, Rep Alan Grayson (D-FL) is said to have written a formal letter to the Justice Department, urging them to convert Guantanamo Bay into death camp for all who oppose the plan.  His office refused an interview with HM, but sent out a short statement reaffirming Grayson’s wish for all Republicans to die quickly.

Many conservative lawmakers privately confide that they are concerned that such an executive order, if signed, may expand in scope rapidly.  “What is next?” one Congressman asked. “Will gun owners have to wear a red “G” on their shirts?  Will Christians have to wear a red crucifix?  I mean really, how far will this go?”  Though publicly scoffing these allegations as nonsense,  some liberals in congress are said to  already be pressing for similar campaigns against WalMart,  meat eaters,  Fox News anchors, and Sarah Palin supporters.  “If we do this right, we will have every profitable business in the country quaking in their boots,” one Obama staffer gushed. “This is America for crying out loud, we cannot let free enterprise destroy our economy!”  When asked whether Obama’s relentless insurance company bashing would result in lost jobs, the staffer smiled and noted that this was exactly why the “Jobs Bill” was so critical.  “Don’t worry,” he noted, ” if Obama has his way, at least five government administration positions will be created  for every private sector job that is lost.”

Note from author: Special thanks to Rants and Other Refinements for the final three posters. PoliticalBlogger Alliance

Four Doctors Support Health Care Bill

BREAKING NEWS  – Head Muscle Press (March 4, 2002) In a tightly choreographed media event yesterday, President Barack Obama announced to an eager crowd of supporters that his administration had located four doctors that agreed with his new health care bill.  Speaking with renewed determination, President Obama impugned the hastily assembled crowd to get the bill passed now.  “This is really an exciting moment for us,” one supporter confided.  “We have really been hoping that the medical community would step up to support this bill, and it looks like it has finally happened…I mean…well…at least four of them have.  We have also heard rumors that there is a pharmacist in Rapid City who likes the bill too, but no one has confirmed it yet.” In an attempt to dig a bit deeper,  HM Press caught up with one of Obama’s staffers after the media event. On condition of anonymity,  she agreed to speak with us.  Transcript follows:

HM: This seems to be a big event for the President.

Staffer: Absolutely! He is thrilled.

HM: So, these four doctors actually agree with Obama’s new plan?

Staffer: Yes, they think that this bill is the only way to save our health care system.

HM: But there are only four of them…

Staffer: Only four?  I would say that this is a pretty impressive showing.

HM: but..

Staffer: (breaking in) Let me finish.  We may only have four now, but we think that there are a lot more out there.  Maybe double that number!

HM: So you are saying that there may actually be eight doctors out there that agree with the new bill?

Staffer: Well we cannot say for sure, but some of our analysts think it is possible.  Look, the fact is, there is a silent super minority of doctors out there who are clearly leaning our way –  and we want to find them.

HM: What exactly is a silent super minority?

Staffer: Well we are not sure about that either, but we think it is an important demographic.

HM: How so?

Staffer: Think about it. We are changing one sixth of the US economy to support about seven percent of the population.  Given those numbers, finding four doctors that support this bill is huge!

HM: But polls still show that the vast majority of doctors are against the bill.

Staffer: Not anymore.  In our latest poll, one hundred percent of the doctors surveyed supported it.

HM: Wow, that is impressive who conducted the poll?

Staffer: We did of course!

HM: Oh really, what sample size did you use?

Staffer: That’s beside the point.

HM: No, I think it is important; how big was your sample?

Staffer: Well, quite a few…um…maybe about four I think.

HM: (shocked) So what you are saying is that you only polled the four doctors on stage.

Staffer: Well yes, but it was unanimous….pretty much.

HM: Pretty much?

Staffer: OK, initially one of the doctors was undecided, but Obama was able to change his mind.

HM: How? Did he offer the doctor some type of political position or favor in return for his support?

Staffer: Oh no, Obama will never make that mistake again.

HM: How did he do it then?

Staffer: Cash…I think.

HM: (changing subject)You must forgive my skepticism, but it just seems to me that having four doctors on board is nothing to get excited about.

Staffer: Well, I will admit the stage looked a bit sparse with just four doctors behind the President, but this is only the beginning. Let’s say that our analysis is correct and we can find another four out there somewhere. The ramifications would be huge!

HM: I am sorry, I don’t understand.

Staffer: (rolling eyes) Well a television screen is only so wide.

HM: (confused) Excuse me?

Staffer: (irritated)  OK, work with me here… just imagine if we had eight doctors on stage all bunched up real tight with Obama.   We could almost make the average American believe that our nation’s medical professionals were behind this bill, not just our liberal friends at the DFA and AMA.

HM: So, what you are really saying is that you want to dupe gullible Americans into thinking this bill is a good idea?

Staffer: Well, I would not use the term “dupe” …

HM: What term would you use?

Staffer: I dunno, “creatively manipulate” maybe?  I mean it really is for their own good.  Most Americans are incapable of understanding this bill anyway, and just need to let us pass it.  After all, we know what is good for them; we’re the government!

HM: I see.

Staffer: Well I am very sorry to cut this short, but I need to get back to work.  I only have an hour to get the white coats back to the costume shop…see ya!

At that point, our interview ended as our staffer dashed from the press room.  We are not sure where this all will lead, but one thing is clear.  We have witnessed political theater at its finest and, if successful, we will likely see many such stunts in the future.  Rumors are already circulating that Obama staffers have rented a half dozen polar bear suits for an upcoming climate change conference. <<DEVELOPING>> PoliticalBlogger Alliance