Obama Takes Charge Of Gulf Oil Spill

Head Muscle Press (4 June 2010) – Just two days after reassuring America that the gulf oil spill was his top priority, President Barack Obama showed the world his resolve.  In a dramatic move designed to bring a speedy end to what could become the worst ecological crisis in our nation’s history, President Obama hosted a Paul McCartney concert in the White House East Room.  After the concert, Obama reaffirmed his concern for the people of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida by presenting Sir Paul McCartney with the Gershwin Award, America’s highest musical honor.  “Tonight was a fantastic opportunity for the President to show all Americans just how seriously he is taking this crisis in that…um…Mexican ocean area,” Janet Napolitano beamed to reporters after the concert. “Now, no one can question his priorities.”

Sources close to the administration confided to HM that President Obama had been feeling the heat for some time, and knew he had to act fast. “He called the entire staff into his office to brainstorm a solution,” our source recalled. “We put everything on the table; we even considered asking the Jonas Brothers to do an encore performance! Absolutely nothing was ruled out.” Our source went on to explain that Obama had even discussed holding a media event with the Houston Oilers, but eventually decided that it would just be too much too fast. Apparently, after hours of heated debate, the President finally put his foot down and insisted that a Paul McCartney concert was the only viable course of action.  On condition of strict anonymity (as usual) our White House source agreed to provide us further detail.  A transcript of the HM Exclusive interview follows:

HM: So, how exactly did having a Paul McCartney concert at the White House help stop the oil spill?

Source: Well the concert alone didn’t do anything, but it was an important first step.

HM: (curiously) A first step for what?

Source: (rolling eyes) Well reuniting the Beatles of course?  They are one of Obama’s favorite groups.  He really likes the short funny one – Dingo.

HM: (clearing throat) You mean Ringo…

Source: (waving hand) Hey, I ‘m not going to get into any political name calling here…this is a crisis.

HM: (confused)  So how in the world is reuniting The Beatles going stop the oil spill?

Source: Well it is a complex plan but, if Obama can get them all back together, he is hoping that they will take him down to the broken pipe in their yellow submarine.  If they can get him down there, he might be able to stop the spill.

HM: (in disbelief) Are you being serious?

Source: Most certainly. It is the only viable solution left.

HM: How would he stop the oil once he got down there in the…um…yellow submarine?

Source: It will be a process. First, he will have direct one-on-one talks with the spill. He will apologize for America’s role in the leak, and then try to reason with it.  He may even offer it a job if it will agree to stop running.

HM: What about just putting a cap on it?

Source: (smiling) Oh, believe me, he plans to cap a lot more than just this oil spill. Never let a good crisis go to waste you know!

HM: And he actually thinks he can do this?

Source: Well…it will be a team effort. He will need a little help from his friends…ha! Get it?

HM: (speaking slowly) The President does know that two of The Beatles are dead right?

Source: (shocked) Dear God! That means we have to activate Plan B!

HM: What is ‘Plan B?’

Source: (rubbing chin) Well it is still kind of sketchy, but Obama plans to nationalize Brittany Spears.

HM: Brittany Spears….what the heck can she do?

Source: Nothing – Obama just thinks she’s hot….It’s not really important anyway, in just a few days James Cameron will be taking charge of the entire operation.

HM: Interesting…what exactly is Cameron’s plan for stopping the oil?

Source: For starters he is going to have Celine Dion write a killer theme song for it. It will be Grammy stuff.

HM: And then?

Source: Well, he has not finalized the script yet, but it will likely involve Leonardo DiCaprio dangling Spongebob Squarepants over the slick from a helicopter gun ship.

HM: Spongebob?

Source: Yeah, he is an absorbent little fellow. It should be very dramatic.

HM: (in amazement) Does the President actually think that this will work?

Source: Not really, but it should get Cameron an Oscar nomination. He is still pretty down about Avatar, and needs a pick-me-up.

HM: (exhausted) You know, I hate to be rude here, but none of this makes any sense. These are all really wacky ideas.

Source: (rolling eyes) You anti-Obama people are always going to find fault with the President’s approach.  The fact is, in this moment of crisis, Obama is desperately trying to reach out and unify all Americans around one indisputable fact.

HM: Really?  What would that be?

Source: Brittany really is hot. I mean…you know…wow.

HM: (exasperated sigh) You must forgive me, but this is just nonsense.  None of these plans will do anything to stop the oil spill!

Source: Hey, don’t blame Obama.  If Bush had not killed the other two Beatles, we would already have their submarine!

HM: (shocked) Wait a minute….are you actually blaming Bush for…

Source: (interrupting) All I am saying is that someone should warn Dingo. He could be next…

HM: I’m sorry, this just does not….

[Source’s cell phone rings.]

Source: Excuse me a moment…..Hello?  Oh my God! That is terrible! Get the Admiral on the line…I am on my way.

Source: (Hanging up) I’m sorry, but I have to go deal with this crisis right away.

HM: The oil spill?

Source: No, Obama’s approval rating just dropped another 5 points! We have to do something fast!  Hey…you wouldn’t happen to have Lady Gaga’s cell number would you?

With that, our source scurried out of the room thumbing his Blackberry. One thing is for sure, if nothing else, President Obama is more than aware of what this crisis is doing to his approval ratings.  Perhaps this realization will generate more action and less song and dance from the White House. Regardless of the outcome however, it seems as if Obama will be submarining for the foreseeable future. <<DEVELOPING>>

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Rep. Grayson (D-Fla.) Planning to Arrest Everyone

HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (23 December): In an impromptu press release earlier this week, legal advisors representing Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) announced that they would be taking legal action against “all conservatives” in the near future.  Apparently emboldened by their recent action against Ms. Angie Langley for her critical views of the Congressman on her website mycongressmanisnuts.com, legal advisors close to Grayson stated that they will take their efforts to the “next level” very soon.  “Make no mistake about it, Ms. Langley is just the tip of the iceberg,” the lead spokesperson noted unofficially in a phone call with HM.  “Once we have tossed her in the can for her political views, we still have the rest of his district to deal with – and then there’s everyone else. This is going to be huge.”   Our HM correspondent was intrigued at the magnitude of the action being contemplated by the Grayson legal team, and pressed the spokesperson for more information.  “Look,” he continued, “this is the United States of America for crying out loud.  This type of unbridled free speech should not be tolerated and Rep. Grayson intends to silence all opposition once and for all, even if he and Eric [Holder] have to throw every single Republican in jail to do it!”  Shocked by these brazen statements, HM got the Grayson legal spokesperson to sit down for a more in-depth conversation. On the condition of strict anonymity he agreed. The transcript follows:

HM: Thanks for sitting down with us and further explaining what Rep. Grayson is planning to do.

SP: I am happy to help shed some light on this matter once and for all.

HM: So, in your press release earlier this week you noted that there are not only plans to put Ms Langley in jail, but to pursue broader action as well. Can you describe for our readers what you mean?

SP: Sure. As I stated previously, Rep. Grayson believes that all this political free speech is damaging the very fabric of our country and needs to be dealt with in the most severe way possible.

HM: But, most people think that free speech is a good thing.

SP: Certainly so, and so does Rep Grayson. His problem is with those that use  free speech to make him look bad.  That is really wanton abuse of the First Amendment don’t you agree?

HM: But aren’t opposing views the bedrock of our basic inalienable rights?

SP: Look, Congressman Grayson is not saying that you cannot speak your mind.  He is just saying that, if it makes him look bad, you should be speaking your mind from jail with all the other right wing has-been hypocrite losers. I think that this is a pretty tolerant approach – don’t you?

HM: (Pauses in bewilderment) So this is the basis for the rumored legal action you spoke of in the press release?

SP: Absolutely.  Once we get that little whore Langley in jail where she belongs, we are going to press charges against the rest of her compatriots across the nation. We are going to put a stop to this juvenile Grayson bashing once and for all.  If folks do not agree with Rep. Grayson, then they are clearly unfit for their constitutional freedoms anyway, and probably buy their drugs from the same guy Rush did.

HM: So how can you say something inflammatory like that and still hold folks like Ms. Langley culpable for her actions?

SP: (indignantly) Because Grayson agrees with us!

HM: Oh..I see…So tell me a bit more about this huge legal action Grayson plans to take. It sounds a bit ridiculous.

SP: Oh no, it is very sound. Rep Grayson even thinks it will even help stimulate jobs and improve the environment.

HM: (baffled) How can he say that?

SP: Well it’s obvious if think about it.  There are almost 55 million registered Republicans in the United States…55 million!  Each and every one of them are clearly enemies of the state and need to be incarcerated.  Under Grayson’s plan, we would have to build huge containment facilities for them while they are awaiting trial.  And imagine the size of the courthouse that would need to be built for 55 million defendants. I mean, we may have to wall off Missouri or something.  The construction alone for this effort would open up tens-of-thousands of new jobs.  Then once Grayson has thrown all the conservatives in jail, think of the job openings there will be!  Not only will we have to fill the positions vacated by all the conservative sub-humans, we will have to employ thousands of new prison guards.  I mean, this could end unemployment for the next two or three generations! It’s exciting!

HM: And the green part?

SP: Well, once you have 55 million right wing losers in jail, think of all the cars that will be off the road!  Think of all the electricity we could save by making them shower in cold water! It really is a stroke of brilliance on Grayson’s part.

HM: You must forgive me, but it seems a little kooky to want to throw 55 million voters in jail because of their political views – don’t you think it is a bit over the top?

SP: Let me ask you a question. What about Rep. Grayson? What about  Alan’s feelings?  I mean, who is looking out for him? You have no idea how these opposing views hurt him. It is hate pure and simple and it must be stopped.  If those knee-biting half witted lumps of intellectual coal cannot be respectful of Rep. Grayson’s feelings then I say straight to jail with them all. They can just run their conservative focus groups from Pelican Bay.

HM: So, what you are saying is that Grayson is pretty thin skinned then?

SP: Not at all,  but he has feelings too, and when he sees websites like mycongressmanisnuts.com he…well…he

HM: Well he what?

SP: He cries OK!  Sometimes he shuts his door, has his secretary hold his calls, and just rocks back and forth sobbing a river!  There I said it, I hope you are happy.  Rep. Grayson is very sensitive and delicate man. Do you think he likes the idea of throwing 55 million people in jail? Sure he does, but he cries just the same.  Now that is compassion!

HM: So what criminal law does Grayson plan to prosecute everyone under?

SP: Well, that is still up for debate, but he is leaning heavily toward the RICO Statute.


SP: Well all this opposition making him look bad is really nothing short of organized crime in his view. And, he has already pointed out that Republicans want to kill everyone anyway, so it really does fit nicely with the statute guidelines.

HM: So where is this all going to stop?

SP: Just like any organized crime investigation…the very top….the big Don.

HM: And that is?

SP: Why Fox News of course! You know that they have a contract out on the Congressman don’t you?

HM: (Laughing) You know, I try to be impartial as a reporter, but I have to admit that this all sounds completely insane?  Grayson sounds like a candidate for the loony bin to me!

SP: (pulling out a pad and pen) Can you please give me your full name and address?

HM: Why?

SP: I am going to have Rep. Grayson arrange for you to be Rush Limbaugh’s prison wife….

Needless to say that our “unofficial interview” ended fairly abruptly after that.  Grayson’s spokesperson stormed out of the room taking everyone’s name on the way.  HM will continue to monitor this unfolding story as well as the plight of Angie Langley.  It is highly doubtful that he will be successful in his efforts to arrest 55 million naysayers  but one thing is certain, Rep. Grayson has leveled his cross hairs on the First Amendment and is ready to hang it on his trophy wall.  Stand by for more updates as this story unfolds. In the meantime, conservatives would do well to hang onto their soap. <DEVELOPING>

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