Head Muscle Press (4 June 2010) – Just two days after reassuring America that the gulf oil spill was his top priority, President Barack Obama showed the world his resolve. In a dramatic move designed to bring a speedy end to what could become the worst ecological crisis in our nation’s history, President Obama hosted a Paul McCartney concert in the White House East Room. After the concert, Obama reaffirmed his concern for the people of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida by presenting Sir Paul McCartney with the Gershwin Award, America’s highest musical honor. “Tonight was a fantastic opportunity for the President to show all Americans just how seriously he is taking this crisis in that…um…Mexican ocean area,” Janet Napolitano beamed to reporters after the concert. “Now, no one can question his priorities.”
Sources close to the administration confided to HM that President Obama had been feeling the heat for some time, and knew he had to act fast. “He called the entire staff into his office to brainstorm a solution,” our source recalled. “We put everything on the table; we even considered asking the Jonas Brothers to do an encore performance! Absolutely nothing was ruled out.” Our source went on to explain that Obama had even discussed holding a media event with the Houston Oilers, but eventually decided that it would just be too much too fast. Apparently, after hours of heated debate, the President finally put his foot down and insisted that a Paul McCartney concert was the only viable course of action. On condition of strict anonymity (as usual) our White House source agreed to provide us further detail. A transcript of the HM Exclusive interview follows:
HM: So, how exactly did having a Paul McCartney concert at the White House help stop the oil spill?
Source: Well the concert alone didn’t do anything, but it was an important first step.
HM: (curiously) A first step for what?
Source: (rolling eyes) Well reuniting the Beatles of course? They are one of Obama’s favorite groups. He really likes the short funny one – Dingo.
HM: (clearing throat) You mean Ringo…
Source: (waving hand) Hey, I ‘m not going to get into any political name calling here…this is a crisis.
HM: (confused) So how in the world is reuniting The Beatles going stop the oil spill?
Source: Well it is a complex plan but, if Obama can get them all back together, he is hoping that they will take him down to the broken pipe in their yellow submarine. If they can get him down there, he might be able to stop the spill.
HM: (in disbelief) Are you being serious?
Source: Most certainly. It is the only viable solution left.
HM: How would he stop the oil once he got down there in the…um…yellow submarine?
Source: It will be a process. First, he will have direct one-on-one talks with the spill. He will apologize for America’s role in the leak, and then try to reason with it. He may even offer it a job if it will agree to stop running.
HM: What about just putting a cap on it?
Source: (smiling) Oh, believe me, he plans to cap a lot more than just this oil spill. Never let a good crisis go to waste you know!
HM: And he actually thinks he can do this?
Source: Well…it will be a team effort. He will need a little help from his friends…ha! Get it?
HM: (speaking slowly) The President does know that two of The Beatles are dead right?
Source: (shocked) Dear God! That means we have to activate Plan B!
HM: What is ‘Plan B?’
Source: (rubbing chin) Well it is still kind of sketchy, but Obama plans to nationalize Brittany Spears.
HM: Brittany Spears….what the heck can she do?
Source: Nothing – Obama just thinks she’s hot….It’s not really important anyway, in just a few days James Cameron will be taking charge of the entire operation.
HM: Interesting…what exactly is Cameron’s plan for stopping the oil?
Source: For starters he is going to have Celine Dion write a killer theme song for it. It will be Grammy stuff.
HM: And then?
Source: Well, he has not finalized the script yet, but it will likely involve Leonardo DiCaprio dangling Spongebob Squarepants over the slick from a helicopter gun ship.
Source: Yeah, he is an absorbent little fellow. It should be very dramatic.
HM: (in amazement) Does the President actually think that this will work?
Source: Not really, but it should get Cameron an Oscar nomination. He is still pretty down about Avatar, and needs a pick-me-up.
HM: (exhausted) You know, I hate to be rude here, but none of this makes any sense. These are all really wacky ideas.
Source: (rolling eyes) You anti-Obama people are always going to find fault with the President’s approach. The fact is, in this moment of crisis, Obama is desperately trying to reach out and unify all Americans around one indisputable fact.
HM: Really? What would that be?
Source: Brittany really is hot. I mean…you know…wow.
HM: (exasperated sigh) You must forgive me, but this is just nonsense. None of these plans will do anything to stop the oil spill!
Source: Hey, don’t blame Obama. If Bush had not killed the other two Beatles, we would already have their submarine!
HM: (shocked) Wait a minute….are you actually blaming Bush for…
Source: (interrupting) All I am saying is that someone should warn Dingo. He could be next…
HM: I’m sorry, this just does not….
[Source’s cell phone rings.]
Source: Excuse me a moment…..Hello? Oh my God! That is terrible! Get the Admiral on the line…I am on my way.
Source: (Hanging up) I’m sorry, but I have to go deal with this crisis right away.
HM: The oil spill?
Source: No, Obama’s approval rating just dropped another 5 points! We have to do something fast! Hey…you wouldn’t happen to have Lady Gaga’s cell number would you?
With that, our source scurried out of the room thumbing his Blackberry. One thing is for sure, if nothing else, President Obama is more than aware of what this crisis is doing to his approval ratings. Perhaps this realization will generate more action and less song and dance from the White House. Regardless of the outcome however, it seems as if Obama will be submarining for the foreseeable future. <<DEVELOPING>>