Jihadist Monkeys Added To No-Fly List

Head Muscle Press (14 July 2010) – Just two days after reports that terrorists were training monkeys to be gun wielding jihadists, Janet Napolitano held a press conference to address the new threat. In what was largely heralded as a vain attempt to appear somewhat concerned about our national security, Napolitano announced that all known radicalized jihadist monkeys would be immediately placed on the TSA no-fly list.  “The first thing that we must do is protect our skies from these furry fellons,” Secretary Napolitano announced to assembled press and politicians. “In that light, I am personally directing the TSA to swing into action on this matter.” According to Secretary Napolitano, any monkey that buys a first class one way ticket with cash will be investigated and,  if appropriate, added to the list.

“This should prove to skeptics once and for all that the Secretary is deadly serious about our national security,” an unnamed DHS official noted to HM reporters after the announcement.  “Americans can rest assured that not one innocent life will be taken by flying monkeys on her watch!” Other DHS staff were not so confident however. “This is a pretty big gamble, one TSA official confided. “I mean, we have to be right 100% of the time, but the monkeys only have to be right once…”

According to the new directive, pistol packing primates will be required to either check their weapons with their luggage, or show valid law enforcement credentials to TSA agents at airport security gates.  Other common monkey carry-ons like bananas, cymbals, those little red fezzes, and small termite mounds will be allowed as long as they are sealed in 32 ounce zip lock bags.

In a swift reaction to this new directive, Bobo, the national chairman of CAIR (Chimpanzees Advocating Islamic Revolution), declared that ninety percent of all monkeys were peaceful hard working hominids and that the new DHS policy amounted to nothing less than primate profiling.  He noted that most monkeys would never see, speak, nor hear of such evil, and that CAIR was in talks with the ACLU about possible legal action against DHS.  When Head Muscle reporters tried to press him on the issue however, noting that monkeys could be pretty mean, he became agitated and started throwing his poop.

PETA also spoke up in opposition, stating that the new directive would precipitate a backlash against monkeys around the world.  “It really is tragic,” a PETA spokesperson commented to HM. “Our culture is already full of negative monkey images, and this only adds fuel to the fire.  Just look at what the media has done over the years. First you have King Kong wrecking Manhattan, then King Louie kidnapping Mowgli the man cub, and let’s not even get into the whole Wizard of Oz thing! It should be no surprise to anyone that monkeys are getting kicked off airplanes!”

Charles Bolden of NASA weighed in as well, reminding the world that monkeys actually went into space months before humans, and that we should all be mindful of their contributions to science and culture. “NASA will do everthing in its power to ensure that monkeys around the world know that they are special…even if they have really weird looking butts,” he announced.

Despite all the  criticisms, President Obama released a brief statement noting that the steps taken by Secretary Napolitano, though unfortunate, were absolutely critical to our national security. He also noted that if Bush had addressed the radical monkey issue years ago instead of wasting time in Iraq, the current crisis could have been avoided.

Though no other animal species have stepped up in solidarity with the monkeys, a group of three toed sloths released a statement today urging caution in implementing the new directive.  In their statement they made it clear that, though there are some physical similarities, sloths are ‘xenarthrans’ and not related to primates in any way. The group also noted that sloths are by nature agnostic, and not prone to acts of martyrdom. <<Developing>>

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Head Muscle Head Lines

Obama Uses Stimulus Funds to Stop Oil Leak

HM Press –This afternoon, a spokesperson for the Obama administration announced that the President will use $500 billion in stimulus dollars to plug the gulf oil leak.   According to the spokesperson, British Petroleum will begin pumping the currency into the hole later this week.   He noted that small denominations will used to maximize the volume.  When queried about the logic of such a move, the spokesperson quipped, “well, after seeing how much good pumping these dollars into the economy did, President Obama feels like this is the next best alternative.”

EPA Announces New “Hybrids for Hobos” Program

HM Press – EPA Administrator, Lisa P. Jackson, unveiled a new plan this week to provide government funded Hybrids to vagrants and panhandlers. “This landmark plan will not only stimulate the automobile industry, it will also help our homeless become more environmentally conscious,” Ms. Jackson noted. “Everyone knows that we will never solve the homeless problem in this country until we first get carbon emissions under control…so this initiative just makes good common sense.” Critics of the plan note that, unless the program also covers undocumented immigrants, it will only solve part of the problem.

Vice President Biden Unloads on Second Grader

HM Press – In yet another public slip of the tongue, VP Joe Biden accused a second grader of being a “ little smart a**” during an elementary school visit and photo opportunity today.  Apparently the young boy raised his hand and asked the VP why the government had not yet found his daddy a new job.  According to witnesses, Biden’s demeanor changed instantly, and he turned and asked the child’s teacher, “who the little smart a**was.”  Before the teacher could respond however, he turned back to the assembled group of second graders and announced that he would not take anymore questions from a bunch of junior smart a**es, and then headed for the door.  As he stomped out of the classroom, witnesses noted that they heard him mumbling something about frozen custard. <<DEVELOPING>>

Janet Napolitano Announces Border Ballot Initiative

HM Press- Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano announced last week that ballot boxes would be installed on the Mexican side of the border fence in preparation for the 2010 election.  “Now undocumented immigrants will be able to vote without the inconvenience of sneaking into the country first,” she told a room of correspondents.  Under the plan, ballots will be inserted into the boxes on the south side of the border and retrieved through an access door on the north side.  She also noted that, in areas where there was no wall, National Guard troops would be used to hold the boxes on election day.

Obama Caught Referring to Biden as “Fredo”

HM Press – After his speech on immigration, Obama was caught by a hot mike asking one of his staffers where Fredo was.  After being cornered by our HM reporter on the scene, a staffer conceded that the term ‘Fredo’ was used to refer to the Vice President.   He emphasized however, that the President meant nothing derogatory by the label and had the utmost of respect for the VP.   Biden released a statement later in the day in response to the President’s slip which stated simply:

“I’m smart. I’m not like they say I am!  I can do things….”

No apologies have been released from the White House as of yet, but rumor has it that Rahm Emanuel is scheduled to take the Vice President fishing later today.

One Person Still Reportedly Supports Obama’s Economic Plan

HM Exclusive – After an exhaustive global search, Head Muscle Press has been able to locate one person that still supports President Obama’s economic recovery plan.  “I am very happy with his direction,” Obama’s final hold-out supporter noted to HM reporters.  “He has achieved in 18 months, things what many could only dream of,” he continued.  “I think we can all learn something from his approach.”  Unfortunately, before HM reporters could press him any further Fidel was ushered out of the room by his secret police force to attend a political execution.  <<DEVELOPING>>

Cuba Reelected as UN Human Rights Council Chairman

HM Press – In a stunning announcement last week, the UN General Secretary announced that Cuba would head the UN Human Rights Council (UNHRC) for the next three years.  Cuba’s representative graciously accepted the new role and promised members of the general assembly that, as the chair, Cuba would hold the council and its members to the highest standards. Shortly after accepting the nomination, the Cuban representative  had all other UNHRC members arrested and  executed.

ACLU Demands Affirmative Action for No-Fly List

HM Press – The ACLU is now threatening to sue federal authorities responsible for developing the terrorist no-fly list on the grounds that the list is racially and culturally biased.  According to the ACLU the list contains far too many names of muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40.  “There is still time avoid immediate civil litigation however,” an ACLU spokesperson noted.  “The Department of Homeland Security must immediately modify the list to include names such as Bubba, Joe, Melvin, and Latoya.  Only then will Americans be able fly our nation’s airways free from terrifying grip of political incorrectness.”  <<Developing>>

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