Jihadist Monkeys Added To No-Fly List

Head Muscle Press (14 July 2010) – Just two days after reports that terrorists were training monkeys to be gun wielding jihadists, Janet Napolitano held a press conference to address the new threat. In what was largely heralded as a vain attempt to appear somewhat concerned about our national security, Napolitano announced that all known radicalized jihadist monkeys would be immediately placed on the TSA no-fly list.  “The first thing that we must do is protect our skies from these furry fellons,” Secretary Napolitano announced to assembled press and politicians. “In that light, I am personally directing the TSA to swing into action on this matter.” According to Secretary Napolitano, any monkey that buys a first class one way ticket with cash will be investigated and,  if appropriate, added to the list.

“This should prove to skeptics once and for all that the Secretary is deadly serious about our national security,” an unnamed DHS official noted to HM reporters after the announcement.  “Americans can rest assured that not one innocent life will be taken by flying monkeys on her watch!” Other DHS staff were not so confident however. “This is a pretty big gamble, one TSA official confided. “I mean, we have to be right 100% of the time, but the monkeys only have to be right once…”

According to the new directive, pistol packing primates will be required to either check their weapons with their luggage, or show valid law enforcement credentials to TSA agents at airport security gates.  Other common monkey carry-ons like bananas, cymbals, those little red fezzes, and small termite mounds will be allowed as long as they are sealed in 32 ounce zip lock bags.

In a swift reaction to this new directive, Bobo, the national chairman of CAIR (Chimpanzees Advocating Islamic Revolution), declared that ninety percent of all monkeys were peaceful hard working hominids and that the new DHS policy amounted to nothing less than primate profiling.  He noted that most monkeys would never see, speak, nor hear of such evil, and that CAIR was in talks with the ACLU about possible legal action against DHS.  When Head Muscle reporters tried to press him on the issue however, noting that monkeys could be pretty mean, he became agitated and started throwing his poop.

PETA also spoke up in opposition, stating that the new directive would precipitate a backlash against monkeys around the world.  “It really is tragic,” a PETA spokesperson commented to HM. “Our culture is already full of negative monkey images, and this only adds fuel to the fire.  Just look at what the media has done over the years. First you have King Kong wrecking Manhattan, then King Louie kidnapping Mowgli the man cub, and let’s not even get into the whole Wizard of Oz thing! It should be no surprise to anyone that monkeys are getting kicked off airplanes!”

Charles Bolden of NASA weighed in as well, reminding the world that monkeys actually went into space months before humans, and that we should all be mindful of their contributions to science and culture. “NASA will do everthing in its power to ensure that monkeys around the world know that they are special…even if they have really weird looking butts,” he announced.

Despite all the  criticisms, President Obama released a brief statement noting that the steps taken by Secretary Napolitano, though unfortunate, were absolutely critical to our national security. He also noted that if Bush had addressed the radical monkey issue years ago instead of wasting time in Iraq, the current crisis could have been avoided.

Though no other animal species have stepped up in solidarity with the monkeys, a group of three toed sloths released a statement today urging caution in implementing the new directive.  In their statement they made it clear that, though there are some physical similarities, sloths are ‘xenarthrans’ and not related to primates in any way. The group also noted that sloths are by nature agnostic, and not prone to acts of martyrdom. <<Developing>>

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Obama Adds Arizona to Axis of Evil

Head Muscle Press 20 May, 2010 – In a surprise press conference shortly after an extended meeting with Mexican President Felipe Calderon, President Obama announced that he was adding Arizona to the Axis of Evil. “If we allow Arizona to enforce federal law and protect its sovereign borders, we are setting a dangerous precedent,” Obama noted in his remarks.  “Soon other rogue states like Texas will pass similar laws and, before you know it, our borders will be completely secured.  Rest assured, I will not let that happen on my watch!”

Obama went on to explain that, because his administration had won the war in Iraq, there was now a vacancy on the Axis of Evil list, and that Arizona’s flagrant attempts to preserve their borders had earned them a place on the list just ahead of North Korea.  After the press conference, a spokesperson for the White House  noted that Obama had also contacted the Cuban chair of the UN Human Rights Council to request a statement of international condemnation for the Grand Canyon State. “We are really hoping for a strong statement from the council, and have already held private discussions with members from China, Libya, Sudan, and Cuba to urge them to act quickly,” the spokesman noted.

On condition of anonymity, the spokesperson later agreed to an exclusive interview with HM. Transcript follows:

HM: Thanks much for providing us this exclusive interview.

SP: No problem.  I am happy to put to rest any misconceptions that the public may have about the President’s position on immigration and the new Arizona law.

HM: So, it is kind of odd to have one of our states on the Axis of Evil list. What exactly does it mean for Arizona?

SP: Well it is pretty severe.  First we anticipate a broad range of actions.

HM: Like what?

SP: Well first of all, we are taking steps to change the name of the Grand Canyon.

HM: Wow, really? What will the new name be?

SP: Canyon El Grande. That should be a wake up call for all those Arizona racists.

HM: Ok….well…what else are you planning on doing?

SP: Well the President is also considering a package of sanctions against the state.  First off, he is planning on repealing the Bush tax cuts for all Arizona citizens, raising their cost of health care, placing heavy tax burdens on Arizona small businesses, and possibly placing heavy taxes on their power consumption. It will really be brutal.

HM: (Pausing) But hasn’t he already don…

SP: (Interrupting) Oh and that is just the tip of the iceberg.  He is also planning a world tour to formally apologize for Arizona’s actions.

HM: A world apology tour?

SP: Yeah, exciting isn’t it.  I can already see the T-shirts.  “I’m Sorry Tour 2010.”

HM: Obama really seems good at apo…

SP: (Interrupting again) Oh he’s a master.

HM: So, what will the goal be with all these actions?

SP: Well regime change of course.  Brewer must be arrested…I mean…defeated.

HM: Who would you want for Governor in her place?

SP: First off, instead of ‘governor,’ all future heads of state will be referred to as ‘El Hefe Grande.’  Obama thinks it will really help immigrants reclaim their self esteem.

HM: The Big Chief?

SP: (Impressed) Ah, your Spanish is impressive! Perhaps you could be part of the new Arizona legislature.

HM: A new legislature?

SP: Oh yeah, we will have to have all the current lawmakers arreste….I mean…..removed from office first though.

HM: Will the Arizona Legislature have a new name too?

SP: You guessed it.  We are calling it ‘El Junta Magnifico.’   El Guapo thought of that one himself.

HM: El Guapo?

SP: (Chuckling) Oh…sorry….Obama.  He asks us to call him that in private.

HM: He likes to be called ‘the handsome one?’

SP: Well, he is pretty hot….I mean except for the ears…..don’t you think?

HM: Well I hadn’t really…

SP: We have also designed a new state flag for Arizona once the coups…I mean….the new leadership is elected.

HM: A new state flag? Really?

SP: Sure! Do you want to see it? I have a picture.

HM: (Shocked) You replaced the star with Che Grevara’s head?

SP: (Pumping fist in the air) Viva la revolucion de Arizona!

HM: Wasn’t Che a Communist and a murderer?

SP: Oh sure, but damn if he doesn’t look good on a t-shirt.

HM: (Pausing) So is President Obama just going to let our borders stay open?

SP: No…don’t be silly. In fact, in just a few weeks, he is going to announce a bold new plan to finish the border fence at half the price and reduce illegal immigration by 50%.

HM: Wow, that sounds impressive, how is he going to do it?

SP: (Unfolding a piece of paper) Well I just happen to have a diagram of his plan right here with me…impressive isn’t it?

HM: (Looking at paper) I am not sure. It just looks like a bunch of dashed lines on the border.

SP: It’s not just a dashed line.  It’s Obama’s new fence!

HM: I don’t understand….

SP: (Speaking slowly) Let me explain.  We have hundreds of miles of border with no fence, so Obama is going to fix that by rebuilding the fence like you see it here on the map. It is brilliant don’t you think?

HM: You mean he is going to build a dashed line?

SP: You got it!  And he is going to save money by tearing out sections of the existing fence and reusing it in other places.  You see Obama has calculated that there is enough existing fence to span the entire border as long as it is build like the line you see above!  It will save material costs and cut illegal border crossings by half!  It really is brilliant.

HM: But there are huge holes!  Can’t folks just cross somewhere else?

SP: Well, I admit, the plan is not perfect, but you don’t have to be so negative.

HM: Well…I’m sorry….but the plan seems fairly…well…misconceived.  How on earth will it curb illegal immigration by 50%?

SP: Well it covers half of the border doesn’t it? That means Obama has solved half of the problem. That’s more than George Bush did by the way….

HM: (Clearing throat) Well..back to the issue of Arizona, isn’t putting them on the Axis of Evil list just a bunch of political hype? I mean, what can Obama really do?

SP: He is ruling nothing out.  Except nukes that is.

HM: Nukes? What the…

SP: Oh he is serious.  Even if Arizona uses biological weapons against its poor immigrant population, Obama won’t nuke them.

HM: This is absurd.

SP: I know, it does seem like we are tying our hands a bit.  The good news is, he is really fond of Predator Drone strikes.

At this point, our interview concluded as our source said something about being late for a  Phoenix targeting party and dashed out of the door. Rest assured however, that Head Muscle Press will continue to monitor the developing situation in Arizona.  Whatever happens, it is clear that Obama (aka. El Guapo) is standing firmly against their attempts to uphold the law.  In the meantime, if you happen to live in Phoenix….watch the skies.

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The Secret

Matt felt groggy and disoriented as he began to regain consciousness.  The first thing he noticed was a violent freezing wind hitting him in the face like a thousand needles.  It stung badly and made it almost impossible for him to catch his breath. He was extremely light headed, and every cell of his body begged him to slip back into the darkness.  He was lucid enough however, to know that something had gone terribly wrong.  Just a few moments earlier, he had been safely buckled into seat 27D as his flight from London prepared to land in Chicago.  It had been a very smooth flight, and he had spent most of the journey either sleeping or chatting with the very attractive young lady sitting next to him.  She was a sales representative for a British company, and was making her first trip to the US for a sales conference.  She had been quite excited about the trip and had asked him dozens of questions about the city. The last thing Matt remembered before blacking out was telling her where to get the best Italian beef sandwich in town.

As his vision began to clear, he noticed that bright light was pouring into the cabin.  His first thought was that someone had blown a hole in the front of the aircraft but, as he regained his sight, he discovered to his horror that the front of the plane was no longer there.  All he could see through the freezing wind was twisted metal and blue sky.  He also realized that he was no longer looking forward, but rather looking up.  Apparently his Airbus had been severed in two.  His mind began to sharpen as adrenaline surged through his veins. They were free falling vertically.  He looked out the window and saw the unmistakable shape of the Sears Tower jutting out of the ground, but it spun out of sight as quickly as it had appeared. He could not tell if he was upside down or right side up, his heart was beating in his throat, and he felt himself beginning to slip into shock.  He looked to his left across the aisle.  The man and woman sitting there were wide awake, the woman was screaming with her arms stretched out trying to reclaim the infant that had slipped from her grip. The baby was gone however. Matt watched in disbelief as her husband dutifully unbuckled his belt, telling his bride that he would go get their son and be right back.  Almost instantly, he hit the overhead and bounced along  the fuselage until he was sucked outside into the sky. Matt looked helplessly back a the woman.  Her screaming had stopped, and she was sleeping peacefully,  perhaps reunited with her husband and son.

They were very low now and Matt knew that they would be hitting the ground any second.  He looked to his right for the young sales rep.  She was still there, staring forward  and clutching her arm rests. Matt thought that she looked amazingly calm.  Tears were streaming down her face however, with the realization that there was nothing left.  There would be no sales conference, no Chicago, no career,  and no Italian beef with hot peppers.  She turned slowly to look at Matt.  He reached over to her and she grabbed his hand tightly.   He fixed his gaze on her and tried to smile.  “It’s okay,” he reassured her, “it will be fast.”  She smiled and squeezed his hand even tighter. “I hope so,” she whispered back. Matt took a deep breath as he gazed into her face. “What beautiful blue eyes,” he thought to himself, “what beautiful eyes.”

Moments later, news alerts interrupted morning programming across the country.   So far, 10 planes had fallen out of the sky, but there were still others out there. Low on fuel, many of them would have little choice but to continue toward the US mainland.  The Air Force had scrambled F-16 fighters to intercept these aircraft and escort them to military airfields away from populous metropolitan areas.  If the airliners could not or would not comply however, the fighters had orders to shoot them from the sky before they made landfall.

In the span of about 2 hours almost 2,000 innocent people had died violent deaths.  Flights around the world were grounded, airports were closed and evacuated, and daytime curfews were put in place across the US.  In a special address to the American People, from an undisclosed location,  President Obama vowed to find the perpetrators, and bring them to justice.  He also urged Americans everywhere to stay calm.  Later in the afternoon, as anticipated, Al Qaeda released a statement to Al Jazeera News taking responsibility for the attack.  No one had any idea how so much explosive material had been smuggled onto so many planes without detection.  One thing was clear to everyone though, this had been the biggest tragedy since 9/11 and, almost 9 years later, commercial airliners were still the terrorists’ weapon of choice.

In the days following the attack, forensic analysis began to put the picture together.  The explosives had apparently been concealed in shrink wrapped pallets of cargo.  The terrorists had calculated that, since the underwear bomber incident, airline security agencies would be focused on screening random passengers  for concealed weapons and explosives.  They would be far too busy looking for PETN strapped to peoples’ boxer shorts, to worry about checking air cargo. They were right.  Al Qaeda knew that US air carriers transported nearly 12 million pounds of commercial cargo on passenger planes every day,  and almost all of it went completely unchecked. This was the chink in America’s armor that they had been praying for.  It was a huge lapse in security and, sadly enough, one that had been well documented for years.  The fact is, neither  Bush nor Obama had done anything to fix the problem, even though they were well aware of it.  Industry pressure, political correctness, and bureaucratic incompetence had conspired to make the problem ” just too hard.” So, once again, our government had decided to take the politically expedient way out, and play the odds with the lives of innocent American travelers. Reaction to the attack was visceral.  Thousands took to the streets calling for Napolitano’s resignation and a congressional review of  TSA security policy.  America was furious, and rightfully so.  Lawmakers, and security leads hit the airwaves trying to justify their inaction and point the finger elsewhere, but the public would have none of it.  They wanted heads to roll.   Things were bad for Obama as well.  Despite a number of well written impassioned speeches, he had watched his popularity ratings nose dive.  The people were angrier than anyone could remember, and it was about to get much worse.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, woke up for morning prayer in his supermax cell.  He swung his feet out of bed and placed them into his slippers.  Still full from dinner the night before, he pushed his breakfast tray toward the wall and unrolled his prayer blanket.  He was still sore around his upper thighs, but the skin grafts he had received compliments of the United States were taking well and starting to cover his wounds.  As he prayed,  he thanked Allah for giving him strength while in American captivity.   Umar had fully expected to die in glorious martyrdom, and when his bomb did not explode properly he was terrified at the thought of what the Americans would do to him.  But they had not water boarded him, or even really interrogated him.  Instead they fixed his wounds, gave him a clean cell and, after an hour of questioning, told him that he had the right to not speak to them anymore if he did not want to.  They even sent him a team of lawyers to ensure that he had a fair trial.  He could not believe what they told him at their first meeting.   As he lay in his hospital bed with his wounds from the underwear bomb still burning, they explained to him that he was innocent until proven guilty. This had truly amazed him.

Umar continued to pray, thanking Allah for these men, for his chance to serve, and for not being sent to Guantanamo.  When he had heard of the airline attacks from his lawyers a few days earlier,  it was as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had done his job, and no longer needed to keep the secret.  His Christmas day bombing attempt had been little more than a diversion.  It had been carefully designed to draw American attention away from the bigger mission, and it had worked perfectly.  Thousands of infidels were now dead, and he was a hero.  Umar got up from the floor and looked around the room.  The sun was coming through his small cell window and he felt better than he had in weeks. He felt proud.  He could now tell the world how he had fooled them all.  Perhaps he would do it at his trial when all the cameras were rolling.  Perhaps they would even find him not guilty!  He picked up his breakfast tray and took a big bite of his toast. He was hungry after all, and no one made breakfast like the Americans.

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President Obama Reported to be a Hologram

Head Muscle Press Exclusive (1 January 2010) – In an exclusive interview with HM Press an anonymous software developer for Industrial Light and Magic revealed that President Barack Obama does not really exist, but is actually a hologram.   Our informant, who will go by the name of Irv, told our stunned HM reporter that the Obama hologram had actually been created for the first Star Wars movie, but had been replaced by the far more believable C3PO character. “It was not an easy choice,” he noted. “We really did not know which character would be accepted as plausible by theater audiences, until we held several secret pre-release screenings. The test audiences however, clearly found C3PO to be more lifelike and genuine.”

Irv contacted HM earlier this month and stated that he had a bombshell to drop.  According to Irv, he was concerned that the Obama hologram had developed several “bugs” and was now highly unpredictable and prone to memory failure. “We really saw this problem manifest itself early on in Obama’s pacifist sub-routine,” he noted. “We had initially programmed him to convince the Rebel Forces to unilaterally withdraw from all military engagements, and speak directly with the Imperial despot Darth Vader instead. Somewhere down the line however, it appears his registers reset.  After considerable down time we tried rebooting him, but he persisted in sending more and more Rebel troops instead of withdrawing them.  I think it was a floating point error, but no one was able to make any sense of his actions. I am concerned because now that the Obama hologram is President, we are seeing the same bug with Afghanistan.”

According to Irv, Stephen Spielberg created the Obama hologram because he wanted his science fiction blockbuster to appeal to European and third world socialist markets which he believed would account for a large percentage of the  film’s gross.  Things continued to go wrong however, when the hologram started spontaneously blaming Luke Skywalker for the war with the Empire. “In the middle of a programmed dialog'” Irv noted, “Obama would declare that he was just a special effect trying to fix the problems that had been passed to him by other actors.”  After the pre-screenings Stephen decided to replace the Obama  hologram with the C3PO character because, as Steve noted, “It was  just  easier for the audience to believe a guy wearing a plastic robot suit.”

For several days HM attempted to set up a more detailed discussion with Irv.  Finally, one of our field reporters was able to arrange a meeting with him at an undisclosed location in Northern California. Irv was notably apprehensive and asked HM to darken his face and disguise his voice.  We noted that HM was a printed publication, but he insisted nonetheless.  “When it comes to Steve,” Irv confided, “you are either with him or against him and I do not want to take any chances.,”  The transcript follows:

HM: Irv, thanks so much for taking the time to talk to HM.

Irv: Well, things are really out of control with this hologram and I figured it was time to speak out….is my voice too high? I kind of sound like Alvin the Chipmunk.

HM: You sound fine Irv, let’s get to the story.

Irv: No, I really think I sound like Alvin on speed. Can you put a little more bass in there? If you are going to print this I would like more of a sexy Barry White voice.

HM: (pause) Sure, no problem…we will mix it after the interview.

Irv: (reluctantly) Well I suppose…

HM: So, saying that our Commander-in-Chief is nothing but a malfunctioning hologram is really quite sensational.  How on Earth did a failed Star Wars special effect become President of the United States?

Irv: Well, no one has all the facts, but it appears that  Democrat Party Chairman Howard Dean bought the rights to the Obama hologram from Spielberg.

HM: Why would Howard do such a bizarre thing?

Irv: Well after the Democrats could only produce Al Gore and John Kerry as presidential candidates, Dean really felt like a dramatic “change” was in order.   After seeing the Obama hologram, he really felt that there was “hope” for 2008…and he was right.

HM: Really, that is fantastic.  How did they know it would work?

Irv: Well they didn’t at first, so they came up with a plan to op-test him in the Senate for a year or two.  When he malfunctioned they would just have him vote “present” while  debugging his routines. It worked beautifully and well… the rest is history.

HM: This is amazing; he looks so lifelike and he has clearly fooled millions of supporters.   How do the Democrats control him?

Irv: Well it’s pretty ingenious actually. We loaded him onto a modified X-Box and he is remotely manipulated by Nancy Pelosi using a joystick.

HM: How do you project his image?

Irv: Well there is a small camera that Nancy controls at the base of  all the White House teleprompters.

HM: I’m sorry that just sounds a bit far fetched.

Irv: OK then, tell me when you last saw Obama without a teleprompter?

HM: (pausing) Good point.

Irv: Yeah, it was brilliant until after the election. That’s when the problems started.

HM: What problems do you mean?

Irv: Well, just like in the early days, he gradually became more and more erratic.  Nancy would push the withdraw button on her controller and he would send more troops to Afghanistan instead.  Later, when she pulled the global warming trigger, he failed to make a serious commitment at Copenhagen.   Additionally, even though his developers had designed his software to be transparent, over the past few months it has been harder and harder to find the logic in his behavior.

HM: That is very concerning, have you tried to determine the cause?

Irv: Well, at first we thought it was the old bugs from the original Star Wars version re-surfacing.  But we are now convinced that he is being hacked.

HM: By whom?

Irv: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove of course….who else…Sarah is too busy plucking the eyes out of dead moose.

HM: How are they doing this?

Irv: Well we are not completely sure, but rumor is they have modified a Wii station with a voice controller and are manipulating his words and actions from an underground bunker beneath Fox News Headquarters.

HM: How long have they been doing this?

Irv: No one is sure but about 2 months ago, the George W. Bush animatronic figure at Disney World spontaneously turned and gave the Obama figure the finger.  We think that this might have been an early test.

HM: (in amazement) That is unreal.  Tell me, has Joe Biden figured any of this out yet?

Irv: (silent stare)

HM: Right… sorry I asked.

At this point in our interview Irv started to flicker in and out of view until he was replaced by the image of Dick Cheney laughing maniacally.  In the end it all made sense.  What better way to unseat the Democrats than to take control of their special effects? HM is still somewhat skeptical about the story, but will be watching the next Congress for signs of bad reception. <DEVELOPING>

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