<<BREAKING NEWS>> Head Muscle Press 27 Jan 2011 – When Mr. Ellis Pollard of Mallard Wisconsin received his Sunrise Special at the Waffle Shop this past Saturday morning, he was startled to find that one of his bacon strips bore the uncanny likeness of Nancy Pelosi (see image below).
“I was absolutely shocked,” Pollard confessed to local reporters. “There she was, just staring me and grinning. It was truly miraculous.” Mr. Ellis went on to explain that he carefully wrapped the slice of salt pork into a napkin and, after inspecting the rest of his meal for Democrats, finished his breakfast and hurried home. “It was really hard to concentrate on the road,” Pollard noted. “I have always heard stories of people seeing the face of Jesus in rocks and reflections, but this was really something special.”
According to reports, Pollard spent the next few hours studying the image under a magnifying glass to ensure that what he was actually seeing was not a trick of the light. When convinced that the image of Pelosi was real, he took the strip of bacon to a local television station and reported his miraculous finding. “At first the reporters were skeptical when I told them what I had found, but when I unwrapped the bacon and showed them they were awestruck,” Pollard recounted.
According to Mr. Pollard, over the next couple of days people gazing at the piece of Pelosi pork started to experience miracles. One unemployed lady allegedly saw the image and, upon returning home, discovered that her unemployment benefits had been extended a fourth time. In another account, a committed Tea Partier looked at the image and immediately fell to the ground shouting anti-Palin slogans. The most noteworthy instance occurred when an older gentleman saw the image and started channeling Ted Kennedy. For over 30 minutes he extolled the virtues of the healthcare bill, drank Scotch Whiskey, and blamed the Republicans for setting him up at Chappaquiddick.
Though the DNC has withheld official comment, it is a well known fact around the DC area that this is not the first time images of Democrats have spontaneously appeared on pieces of fatty pork. In 2006 Martin Emmitt of Shellsburg Idaho produced the now famous “Harry Ham” slice (below), which was purported to make anyone who looked at it pro-labor.
And then more recently during the 2008 presidential campaign, hundreds of mysterious Obama Chops appeared in diners across key swing states that eventually went blue.
“It is kind of like the whole UFO thing,” Cameron Dalton author of the self-published book ‘Conspiracy of Pork’ confided to Head Muscle. “No one wants to admit that this is happening, but you just cannot deny the evidence when it is right there on your sausage patty.” Mr. Dalton is the founder of Conservative Republicans Against Pork Propaganda (CRAPP) and is trying to lift the veil on what he describes as a massive liberal plot to control voters through use of pork stimulation. “The problem is pervasive,” Dalton warns. “No one really knows how much pork the Democrats actually control. Why there could be thousands of unsuspecting people swallowing this garbage as we speak!” Though CRAPP is small right now, it is gaining a foothold among independents and conservative vegetarians. According to Dalton, liberals plan to flood the American people with more and more pork over the next two years until everyone is hopelessly hooked. In an ominous warning, Dalton pointed out to Head Muscle that the Pelosi image will soon be followed by the most massive DNC pork project to date…Operation Barney Frank.
According to Dalton they have already appeared at the Fannie Mae cafeteria and will likely be passed out to homeowners through thousands of new sub-prime hot dog vendors. Head Muscle will continue to follow this breaking story as it develops. In the meantime we strongly suggest that Americans everywhere stick to the beef.