Head Muscle Press 20 May, 2010 – In a surprise press conference shortly after an extended meeting with Mexican President Felipe Calderon, President Obama announced that he was adding Arizona to the Axis of Evil. “If we allow Arizona to enforce federal law and protect its sovereign borders, we are setting a dangerous precedent,” Obama noted in his remarks. “Soon other rogue states like Texas will pass similar laws and, before you know it, our borders will be completely secured. Rest assured, I will not let that happen on my watch!”
Obama went on to explain that, because his administration had won the war in Iraq, there was now a vacancy on the Axis of Evil list, and that Arizona’s flagrant attempts to preserve their borders had earned them a place on the list just ahead of North Korea. After the press conference, a spokesperson for the White House noted that Obama had also contacted the Cuban chair of the UN Human Rights Council to request a statement of international condemnation for the Grand Canyon State. “We are really hoping for a strong statement from the council, and have already held private discussions with members from China, Libya, Sudan, and Cuba to urge them to act quickly,” the spokesman noted.
On condition of anonymity, the spokesperson later agreed to an exclusive interview with HM. Transcript follows:
HM: Thanks much for providing us this exclusive interview.
SP: No problem. I am happy to put to rest any misconceptions that the public may have about the President’s position on immigration and the new Arizona law.
HM: So, it is kind of odd to have one of our states on the Axis of Evil list. What exactly does it mean for Arizona?
SP: Well it is pretty severe. First we anticipate a broad range of actions.
HM: Like what?
SP: Well first of all, we are taking steps to change the name of the Grand Canyon.
HM: Wow, really? What will the new name be?
SP: Canyon El Grande. That should be a wake up call for all those Arizona racists.
HM: Ok….well…what else are you planning on doing?
SP: Well the President is also considering a package of sanctions against the state. First off, he is planning on repealing the Bush tax cuts for all Arizona citizens, raising their cost of health care, placing heavy tax burdens on Arizona small businesses, and possibly placing heavy taxes on their power consumption. It will really be brutal.
HM: (Pausing) But hasn’t he already don…
SP: (Interrupting) Oh and that is just the tip of the iceberg. He is also planning a world tour to formally apologize for Arizona’s actions.
HM: A world apology tour?
SP: Yeah, exciting isn’t it. I can already see the T-shirts. “I’m Sorry Tour 2010.”
HM: Obama really seems good at apo…
SP: (Interrupting again) Oh he’s a master.
HM: So, what will the goal be with all these actions?
SP: Well regime change of course. Brewer must be arrested…I mean…defeated.
HM: Who would you want for Governor in her place?
SP: First off, instead of ‘governor,’ all future heads of state will be referred to as ‘El Hefe Grande.’ Obama thinks it will really help immigrants reclaim their self esteem.
HM: The Big Chief?
SP: (Impressed) Ah, your Spanish is impressive! Perhaps you could be part of the new Arizona legislature.
HM: A new legislature?
SP: Oh yeah, we will have to have all the current lawmakers arreste….I mean…..removed from office first though.
HM: Will the Arizona Legislature have a new name too?
SP: You guessed it. We are calling it ‘El Junta Magnifico.’ El Guapo thought of that one himself.
HM: El Guapo?
SP: (Chuckling) Oh…sorry….Obama. He asks us to call him that in private.
HM: He likes to be called ‘the handsome one?’
SP: Well, he is pretty hot….I mean except for the ears…..don’t you think?
HM: Well I hadn’t really…
SP: We have also designed a new state flag for Arizona once the coups…I mean….the new leadership is elected.
HM: A new state flag? Really?
SP: Sure! Do you want to see it? I have a picture.
HM: (Shocked) You replaced the star with Che Grevara’s head?
SP: (Pumping fist in the air) Viva la revolucion de Arizona!
HM: Wasn’t Che a Communist and a murderer?
SP: Oh sure, but damn if he doesn’t look good on a t-shirt.
HM: (Pausing) So is President Obama just going to let our borders stay open?
SP: No…don’t be silly. In fact, in just a few weeks, he is going to announce a bold new plan to finish the border fence at half the price and reduce illegal immigration by 50%.
HM: Wow, that sounds impressive, how is he going to do it?
SP: (Unfolding a piece of paper) Well I just happen to have a diagram of his plan right here with me…impressive isn’t it?
HM: (Looking at paper) I am not sure. It just looks like a bunch of dashed lines on the border.
SP: It’s not just a dashed line. It’s Obama’s new fence!
HM: I don’t understand….
SP: (Speaking slowly) Let me explain. We have hundreds of miles of border with no fence, so Obama is going to fix that by rebuilding the fence like you see it here on the map. It is brilliant don’t you think?
HM: You mean he is going to build a dashed line?
SP: You got it! And he is going to save money by tearing out sections of the existing fence and reusing it in other places. You see Obama has calculated that there is enough existing fence to span the entire border as long as it is build like the line you see above! It will save material costs and cut illegal border crossings by half! It really is brilliant.
HM: But there are huge holes! Can’t folks just cross somewhere else?
SP: Well, I admit, the plan is not perfect, but you don’t have to be so negative.
HM: Well…I’m sorry….but the plan seems fairly…well…misconceived. How on earth will it curb illegal immigration by 50%?
SP: Well it covers half of the border doesn’t it? That means Obama has solved half of the problem. That’s more than George Bush did by the way….
HM: (Clearing throat) Well..back to the issue of Arizona, isn’t putting them on the Axis of Evil list just a bunch of political hype? I mean, what can Obama really do?
SP: He is ruling nothing out. Except nukes that is.
HM: Nukes? What the…
SP: Oh he is serious. Even if Arizona uses biological weapons against its poor immigrant population, Obama won’t nuke them.
HM: This is absurd.
SP: I know, it does seem like we are tying our hands a bit. The good news is, he is really fond of Predator Drone strikes.
At this point, our interview concluded as our source said something about being late for a Phoenix targeting party and dashed out of the door. Rest assured however, that Head Muscle Press will continue to monitor the developing situation in Arizona. Whatever happens, it is clear that Obama (aka. El Guapo) is standing firmly against their attempts to uphold the law. In the meantime, if you happen to live in Phoenix….watch the skies.
If only this bit of humor didn’t sound like what I would expect the government to do…
It truly is getting harder and harder to write satire….
Chuck, you are so right. Satire cannot come from crystal ball viewings and it would appear that you are spending a great deal of time with yours (whiling away the long hours spent on aircraft flying to and from Korea?).
Another great post. You make me laugh and cringe at the same time.
Thanks to the wonders of Ambien, I spent most of my flight back from Korea unconscious. Modern air travel is best experienced from that perspective.
Thanks as always for your patronage Maine!