BREAKING NEWS – Head Muscle Press (26 March, 2010) Head Muscle has just learned that, even though the cameras have been turned off for almost 23 hours, President Obama is still at the podium in the White House Press Gallery speaking. Though the details are still sketchy, sources have told HM news that the President has been speaking continually since his press conference announcing the New START Treaty yesterday morning. Rumor is that a teleprompter malfunction initially resulted in Obama’s comments being replayed over and over at an increasingly rapid rate. As his speech regenerated and picked up speed President Obama continued reading apparently oblivious to the problem. “At one point the teleprompter was spinning so fast,” our source confided, ” the Commander in Chief sounded like an angry squirrel.” Attempts to turn off the power to the teleprompter backfired when one of the President’s staffers accidentally pulled the plug to Helen Thomas’ oxygen machine. The power surge that resulted sent the teleprompter spinning out of control even faster. “It was really scary,” our source shuddered. “Helen’s face puffed up really large and turned dark blue. She looked like a demonically possessed California Raisin.”
Folks at the scene noted that, after Obama’s 9th or 10th pass through the speech, most of the press corps caught on to what was happening and headed out for lattes. Correspondents from MSNBC stayed behind however, feverishly taking page after page of notes. “I have never seen people write so fast,” our source mused. “They were going through one mechanical pencil after another, dropping them all over the floor each time they stood to applaud Obama’s comments. After a while, it looked like some crazy aerobics class full of over-dressed morons. It was really getting dangerous.” In an effort to put an end to the crisis, Rahm Emanuel placed a call to the White House electricians to shut power down to the entire building, but unfortunately their new union contract had given them Thursday through Sunday off.
In an effort to get more detail on this unfolding story, HM was able to set up an on the scene interview with our source as he worked to resolve the situation. Transcript follows:
HM: So, is the President still stuck in the teleprompter loop?
Source: I am afraid so. It is really a difficult situation.’
HM: Why not just cut the power cord leading to the prompters?
Source: We thought about doing that, but the President’s physician believes that such an abrupt shut down could damage the President’s autonomic nervous system.
HM: How do they know this?
Source: Well, it wasn’t really publicized, but a few years ago we had a similar problem with another person. He needed the teleprompter even more than Obama, and when we turned it off, it pretty much turned him into a vegetable.
HM: Wow, that is horrible! How is he now?
Source: He’s the Vice President…
HM: Oh, I see… so what is the plan for getting Obama unstuck?
Source: Well, the plan is to slowly bring him down before we break the connection.
HM: How will you do that?
Source: First, we network in a new computer with the speech on it, and then we switch the prompter signal over. Once we have done that, we will gradually begin slowing the speed of the speech down until we get it to normal.
HM: And then?
Source: Well then we simply start eliminating paragraphs and sentences until we have him down to repeating just a few words over and over. Something like, “me like Russia….me like Russia…me Russia…” Then we will slowly take him down to nothing but the letter “r.” Once we have him comfortably r-ing for 10 or 15 minutes, we will stop the prompter and hopefully save most his higher mental functions.
HM: That sounds like a daring plan, what happens if it doesn’t work?
Source: Oh, we have a contingency plan for that as well. If we cannot break him away from the prompter safely, our plan is just to keep him there.
HM: Excuse me?
Source: Well, it is really pretty ingenious. You see, Obama has already held more interviews and press conferences in his first year than the last two administrations combined. Hell, you can hardly turn on your television without seeing him talking about…something. So our plan is to just change his clothes, feed him new speeches, and keep him going. When we need him, we will just turn the cameras on! No one will be able to tell that it isn’t business a usual….it ingenious!
HM: What about Michelle and the kids?
Source: Oh they will be able to come in and see him on weekends. We will put some fatherly statements on the prompter like, “Hey girls let’s get a burger,” and “How’s the garden honey?” We will do our best to make him lifelike.
HM: I see. Well it certainly is a daring plan.
Source: Yep, our only real concern is ensuring the Republicans do not hack into the system.
HM: Is that a threat?
Source: Well last week when health care passed, Biden was just supposed to hug Obama and say, “This is a big deal.” We even put it on the prompter to ensure he did not mess it up. After the speech, we looked at the computer and someone had spliced the F-bomb in!
HM: Wow, that is pretty devious. Who do you think did it?
Source: Well we are not sure, but we have heard rumors that Sarah Palin has build a huge satellite-based super computer network and is trying to control Obama’s teleprompters from space. We are thinking that she has been working out the kinks on Biden since the election. I mean, it could be a real problem!
HM: What would she do?
Source: We could loose control of the President! What if she made him say something nice about insurance companies? Maybe she would have him admit that the free market is the most powerful economic force on earth! What if she just had him make animal noises? It could be a real disaster! We cannot let it happen.
HM: What about Helen Thomas – is she OK?
Source: Oh Helen? She’s fine, the Bush staffers used to pull her O2 all the time just for fun. She’s a trooper... Well I have to get back into the press room, it is time for the President’s chap stick. If I don’t apply it every fifteen minutes his mouth starts smoking.
At that moment our source put on a pair of asbestos gloves and headed back into the room accompanied by two firemen. Though we are just getting a feel for the gravity of this situation, it is clearly touch-and-go for the President. Regardless of the outcome however, it appears certain that Obama will be on television sometime today. <<Developing>>