The Scarlet I

Head Muscle Press (March 10, 2010) As President Obama is out on the road this week stumping for his government health care plan, rumors are flying around Washington that he is about to sign an executive order requiring all insurance companies to display a scarlet “I” on their storefronts.  Sources say that, by signing this order, Obama will finally force these greedy profiteers out into the light of day for all to see.  Rumor has it that, Obama could sign the executive order any day, and is giddy with excitement at thought of bringing one sixth of our nation’s economy under government control.   To help speed the process along, the administration has already developed an approved poster for insurance  companies to display in their windows.  HM was able to come by the below “unauthorized” copy:

Our source conceded that the above design is somewhat lackluster, but assured us that Obama has already asked the National Endowment for the Arts to come up with a few more “ideologically correct” designs. Though still unofficial, he provided HM with a few of the proofs currently under consideration:

In addition to displaying the mandated posters, the executive order will also require insurance company employees to sew a cloth “I” onto the lapel of their work clothes.  Failure to do so will result in hefty penalties and even imprisonment.  When asked if this was constitutional, our source reminded us that the President sees our constitution as nothing more than a “charter of negative liberties,” and that nowhere did it explicitly prohibit the government from making people sew cloth letters onto their clothing.

Though many in the majority are in favor of this this move, opponents are saying that Obama’s insurance company bashing  is nothing but ideological rhetoric designed to destroy an entire industry sector.  Critics point out that, despite Obama’s accusations, the average profit margin for health insurance companies is only about 3.4% and that, despite poor margins, they continue to serve about 90% of the American public very well.  Democrat supporters respond by accusing their opponents of  being for insurance companies and against America. In reaction to heavy Republican dissent, Rep Alan Grayson (D-FL) is said to have written a formal letter to the Justice Department, urging them to convert Guantanamo Bay into death camp for all who oppose the plan.  His office refused an interview with HM, but sent out a short statement reaffirming Grayson’s wish for all Republicans to die quickly.

Many conservative lawmakers privately confide that they are concerned that such an executive order, if signed, may expand in scope rapidly.  “What is next?” one Congressman asked. “Will gun owners have to wear a red “G” on their shirts?  Will Christians have to wear a red crucifix?  I mean really, how far will this go?”  Though publicly scoffing these allegations as nonsense,  some liberals in congress are said to  already be pressing for similar campaigns against WalMart,  meat eaters,  Fox News anchors, and Sarah Palin supporters.  “If we do this right, we will have every profitable business in the country quaking in their boots,” one Obama staffer gushed. “This is America for crying out loud, we cannot let free enterprise destroy our economy!”  When asked whether Obama’s relentless insurance company bashing would result in lost jobs, the staffer smiled and noted that this was exactly why the “Jobs Bill” was so critical.  “Don’t worry,” he noted, ” if Obama has his way, at least five government administration positions will be created  for every private sector job that is lost.”

Note from author: Special thanks to Rants and Other Refinements for the final three posters.

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