Head Muscle Press (30 January 2010): Insider sources close to President Obama have informed Head Muscle News that he is getting ready to announce plans to take control of all NCAA Division I bowl games. According to our sources, Obama is doing this in an effort to regain his popular appeal on the heels of a dismal State of the Union Speech. “President Obama has really had a rough couple of weeks,” our anonymous White House source noted. “Banks are still making profits, insurance companies are still covering their customers, big energy is still drilling for oil, and the health care industry is still functioning well for 95% of all Americans. He is really feeling down right now. It has been a while since the President has nationalized anything and he could really use a pick-me-up.” Rumor on the hill is that Obama has never liked the bowl system and believes that it creates an unfair monopoly in certain conferences. Nationalizing all college bowl games is seen by some proponents as the only way to make the system more accessible to underperforming teams that “are not covered” under the current system. “There are about 342 Division I teams, and only 34 bowl games,” our source explained. “This means that, every year, almost 274 teams go without bowl coverage. It is just not fair, and President Obama is vowing to fight for these teams and their fans.” In an effort to get a more detail on the President’s plan, HM met with our informant for an in-depth interview. Transcript follows:
HM: Thanks for stopping by today.
Source: My pleasure, I really believe that this proposed legislation is going to be a win for the American People.
HM: So let me get this straight, President Obama plans to nationalize all Division I NCAA bowl games?
Source: Well, I wouldn’t exactly use the term “nationalize.” We really see it as providing college football teams with a “public bowl option.”
HM: What exactly is a “public bowl?”
Source: Well, it is common knowledge that the greedy insurance companies and big Wall Street banks have had control of the bowl system for years, and …
HM: Sorry for the interruption, but that is really a sensational accusation! What proof do you have?
Source: Well, just look at the 2009 bowl schedule – The Citibank Championship Bowl, The Capital One Bowl, The Allstate Sugar Bowl, The Eagle Bank Bowl…I mean it is really kind of obvious isn’t it?
HM: So how exactly how will the “public bowl option” work?
Source: The plan is to take some of the remaining 500 billion bailout dollars, and set up an additional 137 bowl games that will cover the teams unfairly left out of the current system. We will offer colleges the opportunity to host these games, and will cover 200% of their overhead costs.
Source: Yep. Fannie Mae is running the funding. Our goal is also to get colleges to opt out of big expensive BCS bowls for more politically correct public bowls. We certainly won’t force them to do this though, after all, this isn’t a Bolshevik plot or anything. They can keep their current “greed bowls” if they want, but there may be steep fines involved.
HM: Wow…that sounds eerily familiar…
Source: It really is some of Obama’s finest work. It will be the first real competition in the NCAA since the BCS started their monopoly. You know what BCS stands for don’t you?
HM: No, what?
Source: (laughing) Banks Control Sports! BCS…get it? The plan is to use our unfair government advantage to compete fairly with these greedy profiteers and run their butts out of the bowl business. We figure in 5 years, the government will run all the bowl games in the country and then, finally, every team will be covered. It really is an ingenious plan.
HM: You must forgive my skepticism here, but this sounds like a very expensive proposition.
Source: Oh it really is. It might even prove to be more expensive than health care…if we do it right that is.
HM: Well how will the government get their money back?
Source: Simple, we will just add it to Obama’s proposed bank tax. I mean, we are already charging the banks for the AIG, GM, and Chrysler bailouts, why not add a few bowl games on the bill as well? They won’t even notice. It really makes sense when you consider the fact that they are the ones who caused this mess.
HM: So what is the benefit to the taxpayers?
Source: What was the benefit of the health care bill?
HM: Sorry I asked…
Source: There will be some real benefits with the President’s plan though.
HM: For instance?
Source: Well first, instead of using bowl names as gratuitous advertizing opportunities, we will use them to remind Americans of Obama’s vision. There will be a Death to CEOs Bowl, a Banks Really Suck Bowl, a Unionize America Now Bowl, and a Fifteen Percent of Americans Have No Health Care Bowl. I know that the last name is kind of long, but the message is really strong don’t you think?
HM: What will you do to the traditional bowl names when they eventually cross over to the public option?
Source: Great question. We are already planning ahead for that, and have mapped a series of new names to these bowls as well. We will change the GMAC Bowl to the UAW Bowl, the Chick-Fil-A Bowl to the Zero Transfat Bowl, and the Gator Bowl to the Gays in the Navy Bowl. We have also proposed changing the name of the Fiesta Bowl to the Immigration Reform Bowl. It really is a great marketing vehicle for Obama’s policies don’t you think?
HM: Are you going to rename the Texas Bowl in Houston?
Source: Oh, that’s a good one. It will be the “Bush’s Fault Bowl.” Isn’t that fantastic? Obama thought of that one himself.
HM: So is that the only benefit of this plan; new catchy names?
Source: Absolutely not. We already have much bigger plans in the works. I could get fired if I told you this, but do you know that high speed train between Orlando and Tampa that Obama approved?
HM: Sure, he mentioned it in his speech last Wednesday.
Source: (leaning in and whispering) Well, do you think it is just a coincidence that it connects the Outback Bowl with the Capital One Bowl?
HM: (perplexed) Well no, I…
Source: Yep. They have already cut a deal to shift over to the public option in 2011. It is all a part of Obama’s greater plan. Just think about it. In a couple of years fans will be able to watch the Vegan Bowl in Tampa, and then rocket over to Orlando at 200 miles per hour to see the Capitol Run Bowl the very next day. Soon Obama will have a network of high speed trains connecting all the public bowl games together. Obama feels strongly that both really fast trains and bowl reform are critical to our nation’s recovery, and this is an ingenious way to get both in one shot. That, my friend, is why he is President and we are not.
HM: Well, I must admit, this will bring sweeping change to the college bowl system. When will this bill hit the floor for debate?
Source: Oh don’t worry; Obama has given his pledge to televise it all on C-SPAN.
HM: So his ultimate goal is to have every Division I team receive a bowl game bid at the end of the season?
Source: That is really it in a nutshell. Obama is really tired of all the fat cat CEOs getting all the bowls and the poorer teams getting nothing. Tell me, when was the last time you saw Wofford College in the Rose Bowl?
HM: (baffled) They were 3 and 8 this past season. Furman beat them for crying out loud! Who the heck would want to see them in the Rose Bowl?
Source: (look of disgust) Racist.
HM: (shocked) Excuse me?
Source: (indignantly) You may be interested to know that displays of hate will be punishable by 5 years in prison, and a 25-yard penalty in public bowl games…
At the conclusion of the interview, our White House source provided us with an unofficial list of prospective names for some of the new public bowl games: Under Obama’s plan, the 137 new bowls will include the Close Gitmo Bowl, the Cap-N-Trade Bowl, the Union Freebie Bowl, the Che Guevara Wasn’t So Bad Bowl, and the Jeremiah Got It Wright Bowl. As revolutionary as this plan would be however, it is not without problems. Orlando Florida, for example, hosts both the Capital One Bowl and the Champs Sports Bowl at same complex. This will make building the high speed train link between the two bowls somewhat problematic. Democrat proponents of the train insist, however, that a track circling the stadium will allow the train to reach speeds close to 80 miles an hour without derailing. More on the “Bowl Bill” as it develops.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Head Muscle Press means absolutely no disrespect to Wofford College, its students, or staff. Wofford is a fine institution of higher learning and is a credit to the American college and university system. You cannot help it if you stink at football. See you at the Rose Bowl in 2011.