HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (23 December): In an impromptu press release earlier this week, legal advisors representing Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) announced that they would be taking legal action against “all conservatives” in the near future. Apparently emboldened by their recent action against Ms. Angie Langley for her critical views of the Congressman on her website mycongressmanisnuts.com, legal advisors close to Grayson stated that they will take their efforts to the “next level” very soon. “Make no mistake about it, Ms. Langley is just the tip of the iceberg,” the lead spokesperson noted unofficially in a phone call with HM. “Once we have tossed her in the can for her political views, we still have the rest of his district to deal with – and then there’s everyone else. This is going to be huge.” Our HM correspondent was intrigued at the magnitude of the action being contemplated by the Grayson legal team, and pressed the spokesperson for more information. “Look,” he continued, “this is the United States of America for crying out loud. This type of unbridled free speech should not be tolerated and Rep. Grayson intends to silence all opposition once and for all, even if he and Eric [Holder] have to throw every single Republican in jail to do it!” Shocked by these brazen statements, HM got the Grayson legal spokesperson to sit down for a more in-depth conversation. On the condition of strict anonymity he agreed. The transcript follows:
HM: Thanks for sitting down with us and further explaining what Rep. Grayson is planning to do.
SP: I am happy to help shed some light on this matter once and for all.
HM: So, in your press release earlier this week you noted that there are not only plans to put Ms Langley in jail, but to pursue broader action as well. Can you describe for our readers what you mean?
SP: Sure. As I stated previously, Rep. Grayson believes that all this political free speech is damaging the very fabric of our country and needs to be dealt with in the most severe way possible.
HM: But, most people think that free speech is a good thing.
SP: Certainly so, and so does Rep Grayson. His problem is with those that use free speech to make him look bad. That is really wanton abuse of the First Amendment don’t you agree?
HM: But aren’t opposing views the bedrock of our basic inalienable rights?
SP: Look, Congressman Grayson is not saying that you cannot speak your mind. He is just saying that, if it makes him look bad, you should be speaking your mind from jail with all the other right wing has-been hypocrite losers. I think that this is a pretty tolerant approach – don’t you?
HM: (Pauses in bewilderment) So this is the basis for the rumored legal action you spoke of in the press release?
SP: Absolutely. Once we get that little whore Langley in jail where she belongs, we are going to press charges against the rest of her compatriots across the nation. We are going to put a stop to this juvenile Grayson bashing once and for all. If folks do not agree with Rep. Grayson, then they are clearly unfit for their constitutional freedoms anyway, and probably buy their drugs from the same guy Rush did.
HM: So how can you say something inflammatory like that and still hold folks like Ms. Langley culpable for her actions?
SP: (indignantly) Because Grayson agrees with us!
HM: Oh..I see…So tell me a bit more about this huge legal action Grayson plans to take. It sounds a bit ridiculous.
SP: Oh no, it is very sound. Rep Grayson even thinks it will even help stimulate jobs and improve the environment.
HM: (baffled) How can he say that?
SP: Well it’s obvious if think about it. There are almost 55 million registered Republicans in the United States…55 million! Each and every one of them are clearly enemies of the state and need to be incarcerated. Under Grayson’s plan, we would have to build huge containment facilities for them while they are awaiting trial. And imagine the size of the courthouse that would need to be built for 55 million defendants. I mean, we may have to wall off Missouri or something. The construction alone for this effort would open up tens-of-thousands of new jobs. Then once Grayson has thrown all the conservatives in jail, think of the job openings there will be! Not only will we have to fill the positions vacated by all the conservative sub-humans, we will have to employ thousands of new prison guards. I mean, this could end unemployment for the next two or three generations! It’s exciting!
HM: And the green part?
SP: Well, once you have 55 million right wing losers in jail, think of all the cars that will be off the road! Think of all the electricity we could save by making them shower in cold water! It really is a stroke of brilliance on Grayson’s part.
HM: You must forgive me, but it seems a little kooky to want to throw 55 million voters in jail because of their political views – don’t you think it is a bit over the top?
SP: Let me ask you a question. What about Rep. Grayson? What about Alan’s feelings? I mean, who is looking out for him? You have no idea how these opposing views hurt him. It is hate pure and simple and it must be stopped. If those knee-biting half witted lumps of intellectual coal cannot be respectful of Rep. Grayson’s feelings then I say straight to jail with them all. They can just run their conservative focus groups from Pelican Bay.
HM: So, what you are saying is that Grayson is pretty thin skinned then?
SP: Not at all, but he has feelings too, and when he sees websites like mycongressmanisnuts.com he…well…he
HM: Well he what?
SP: He cries OK! Sometimes he shuts his door, has his secretary hold his calls, and just rocks back and forth sobbing a river! There I said it, I hope you are happy. Rep. Grayson is very sensitive and delicate man. Do you think he likes the idea of throwing 55 million people in jail? Sure he does, but he cries just the same. Now that is compassion!
HM: So what criminal law does Grayson plan to prosecute everyone under?
SP: Well, that is still up for debate, but he is leaning heavily toward the RICO Statute.
HM: Why RICO?
SP: Well all this opposition making him look bad is really nothing short of organized crime in his view. And, he has already pointed out that Republicans want to kill everyone anyway, so it really does fit nicely with the statute guidelines.
HM: So where is this all going to stop?
SP: Just like any organized crime investigation…the very top….the big Don.
HM: And that is?
SP: Why Fox News of course! You know that they have a contract out on the Congressman don’t you?
HM: (Laughing) You know, I try to be impartial as a reporter, but I have to admit that this all sounds completely insane? Grayson sounds like a candidate for the loony bin to me!
SP: (pulling out a pad and pen) Can you please give me your full name and address?
SP: I am going to have Rep. Grayson arrange for you to be Rush Limbaugh’s prison wife….
Needless to say that our “unofficial interview” ended fairly abruptly after that. Grayson’s spokesperson stormed out of the room taking everyone’s name on the way. HM will continue to monitor this unfolding story as well as the plight of Angie Langley. It is highly doubtful that he will be successful in his efforts to arrest 55 million naysayers but one thing is certain, Rep. Grayson has leveled his cross hairs on the First Amendment and is ready to hang it on his trophy wall. Stand by for more updates as this story unfolds. In the meantime, conservatives would do well to hang onto their soap. <DEVELOPING>