HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (1 NOV) Shortly after their exclusive HM News interview in which Fresh Lenin rock band leaders, Niles and Ruddy, announced their appointment as Obama Administration “Music Co-Czars,” they set out hitchhiking for Washington DC – and subsequently disappeared without a trace. Word of their disappearance has reached HM News and, being concerned for their safety, we are issuing an all-points-bulletin to our devout readers around the world to help find them. Though our preliminary investigation has failed to reveal their whereabouts, we have turned up a few interesting leads in the process.
On 21 September, the day after our coffee shop interview, Niles and Ruddy were seen by several truck drivers hitchhiking on Interstate 80 just West of Vallejo, CA. In one compelling account Marty Pelham, an independent trucker, noted that he saw “two guys” in leather on the grassy median of the Interstate apparently seeking conveyance. “The odd thing about it,” Marty recalled, “was that they were hitchhiking in two different directions. The tall skinny guy <presumed to be Niles> had his thumb pointing West while the other guy <Ruddy> was lying down in the grass with his arm sticking up pointing East.” It was then that Marty’s story got even stranger. “I thought I recognized them as the Fresh Lenin dudes I had been reading about on HM, so I pulled over to see if I could offer them a ride. They ran over to my cab and asked me where I was going. I told them I was on a direct route to Northern Virginia and that they were welcome to tag along, but they declined saying that they were on their way to Washington DC and could not waste time inVirgina.” Marty continued, “I tried explaining to them that DC was very close to Virginia, but they had already run off and started hitchhiking again, one on each side of the median. It was a bit surreal, kind of spooky, so I just got back on the road.”
In another account, Niles and Ruddy were apparently picked up by Ms. Lucille Lassiter on her way to Ohio. “These two guys were hitchhiking just outside of Auburn California and I thought that they looked a lot like the Fresh Lenin duo I read about, so I picked them up. ” Lucy remembered that all they really wanted talk about was how they were going to “kick some a_ _” now that they were Obama Czars. “Niles kept talking about a ‘public music option’ he was working on and how the rich were finally going to pay for Fresh Lenin instruments one way or the other,” Lucy recalled. “Ruddy, on the other hand,” she said, “was busy working on a list of people that he planned to have executed as soon as Obama knighted him.” According to Lucy, the duo rode with her for nearly six hours. Things went relatively well until Niles asked her how long before they reached Seattle. When Lucy explained to them, once again, that she was going East to Ohio, the two became very agitated. Niles angrily accused her of being part of a bourgeois plot to keep them out of Washington, while Ruddy started threatening to put her “on his list.” Lucy tried to explain that Washington DC was not near Seattle and that they were confusing the state with the nation’s capital, but they would have none of it. She recalled that both Niles and Ruddy started yelling, “oppressor!” over and over again until she could not take it anymore and was forced to let them out near Winnemucca, Nevada. “I tried to help them out, I really enjoyed their “World Standing Tour” but, the fact is, they really are just a couple of dumb a_ _ es,” Lucy vented.
Since Lucy’s encounter, sightings of Niles and Ruddy have been reported everywhere from Ontario Canada to Guadalajara Mexico, but their actual location still remains a mystery. White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, has refused to comment on the situation in what may be an overt attempt to distance the Obama Administration from the brewing scandal. An anonymous source close to the President however, told HM that Obama was very concerned for the safety of his ex-bandmates and was privately monitoring the situation. Our source also commented that the White House, though not vouching for their Music Czar appointments, was very interested in obtaining a copy of Ruddy’s “list.”
So, even as the political spin machine kicks into high gear, the whereabouts of our two Fresh Lenin friends, Niles and Ruddy, remains a mystery. Will they, in fact, be our nation’s first “Music Co-Czars” or is the administration rethinking its plan in light of the recent controversy surrounding Van Jones and other Adminstration Czars? Will Niles and Ruddy ever make it do DC? Whatever may ultimately happen, one fact remains – Niles and Ruddy are missing in action. In an effort to find them, Head Muscle is reaching out to all its devout readers for assistance. Please send your Fresh Lenin sightings and theories, no matter how nutty, to our HM Comments link without delay. With your help, HM will unravel the “Mystery of the Missing Marxists.”