HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (25 Sept) Sources very close to the administration have informed Head Muscle that, in response to Netanyahu’s stirring United Nations address yesterday, President Barack Obama intends to officially disband the nation of Israel at the upcoming UN Security Council session. A source close to the President explained that this move by the White House is viewed as the, “essential next step,” in bringing peace to the Palestinian region. According to leaked copies of Obama’s opening speech, the President will declare the nation of Israel officially null, void, expired, and otherwise rescinded. He will also go on to say that Israel was really a bad idea “from the get go,” and the US regrets any inconvenience that they have caused the world.”
When cornered by HM reporters, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton noted, “This is an unprecedentedly bold act. No sitting president has ever tried to unilaterally disband another country. I think it’s sexy!” As unofficial reports of his intentions leak out on the major news wires, Obama is receiving accolades and vows of support from many newly befriended world leaders. Obama is a world visionary, and has a cool helicopter,” lauded Hugo Chavez. “I am sending him a camel and six of my best concubines,” Muammar Gaddafi of Libya noted as he returned from his trip to New York. Similar praises have been ringing out from Iran, North Korea, Darfur, Algeria, Myanmar, Syria, and Gaza. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has also released a special statement bestowing Obama with the title of “Honorary Lost Imam.”
According to Obama’s plan, Israel will be officially closed starting Monday 19 October. “Hopefully that will give most folks time to pack and find another nice country to live in,” our source told us. When we asked what on earth would possibly compel Israel to abide by such an absurd proclamation, our source reminded us that we were racist, carbon emitting, homophobes and had no right to question our President’s plan.
Upon hearing the news on Israel, Hamas and Hezbollah leadership called an emergency meeting in Damascus, Syria to discuss the situation. Reports are that leaders of both terrorist organizations were surprised by the news, and are meeting to decide on another country to hate. “With Israel disbanded by Obama,” one Hamas member noted, “our organization is in complete disarray. Who will want to blow themselves up in empty shopping malls or neighborhoods? What good is shooting rockets at empty schools and synagogues? Soon Palestinians will grow bored without Israel and may start demanding things like human rights of their own. This is a real crisis for us.” Though it is uncertain who they will choose as their new oppressor, some are speculating that the choices have been narrowed down to Antarctica, Jamaica, and Fantasy Island.
Whether or not Obama’s bold plan for Israel actually works still remains to be seen. If it is successful however, some are saying that he will take advantage of the momentum and attempt similar closings of Honduras, Afghanistan, Texas, and Fox News. – Developing.