HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (25 Sept) Sources very close to the administration have informed Head Muscle that, in response to Netanyahu’s stirring United Nations address yesterday, President Barack Obama intends to officially disband the nation of Israel at the upcoming UN Security Council session. A source close to the President explained that this move by the White House is viewed as the, “essential next step,” in bringing peace to the Palestinian region. According to leaked copies of Obama’s opening speech, the President will declare the nation of Israel officially null, void, expired, and otherwise rescinded. He will also go on to say that Israel was really a bad idea “from the get go,” and the US regrets any inconvenience that they have caused the world.”
When cornered by HM reporters, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton noted, “This is an unprecedentedly bold act. No sitting president has ever tried to unilaterally disband another country. I think it’s sexy!” As unofficial reports of his intentions leak out on the major news wires, Obama is receiving accolades and vows of support from many newly befriended world leaders. Obama is a world visionary, and has a cool helicopter,” lauded Hugo Chavez. “I am sending him a camel and six of my best concubines,” Muammar Gaddafi of Libya noted as he returned from his trip to New York. Similar praises have been ringing out from Iran, North Korea, Darfur, Algeria, Myanmar, Syria, and Gaza. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has also released a special statement bestowing Obama with the title of “Honorary Lost Imam.”
According to Obama’s plan, Israel will be officially closed starting Monday 19 October. “Hopefully that will give most folks time to pack and find another nice country to live in,” our source told us. When we asked what on earth would possibly compel Israel to abide by such an absurd proclamation, our source reminded us that we were racist, carbon emitting, homophobes and had no right to question our President’s plan.
Upon hearing the news on Israel, Hamas and Hezbollah leadership called an emergency meeting in Damascus, Syria to discuss the situation. Reports are that leaders of both terrorist organizations were surprised by the news, and are meeting to decide on another country to hate. “With Israel disbanded by Obama,” one Hamas member noted, “our organization is in complete disarray. Who will want to blow themselves up in empty shopping malls or neighborhoods? What good is shooting rockets at empty schools and synagogues? Soon Palestinians will grow bored without Israel and may start demanding things like human rights of their own. This is a real crisis for us.” Though it is uncertain who they will choose as their new oppressor, some are speculating that the choices have been narrowed down to Antarctica, Jamaica, and Fantasy Island.
Whether or not Obama’s bold plan for Israel actually works still remains to be seen. If it is successful however, some are saying that he will take advantage of the momentum and attempt similar closings of Honduras, Afghanistan, Texas, and Fox News. – Developing.
Very nicely done, Chuck.
As with any satire worth its salt, there is a solid basis of potential that is most unsettling.
Still, you had me smiling and nodding my head.
If Obama were not winning all awards for incompetence hands down, Hillary would really be in the running for her performance at State.
Thanks! Could not agree more. Though we would never officially deny Israel as a state, we will jeopardize its security with policy that does not recognize its importance to the world.
Oh, this is good stuff! Well written, humorous, based in a fantastical political reality only slightly removed from the real political reality enough to detach one’s self and smile. Thanks, I enjoyed that a lot!
Thanks FT! I appreciate your comment a lot. I had quite a bit of fun writing it too. I love satire. Many times it conveys ironies that would be lost in straight forward commentary.
This was great satire indeed. As the resident liberal, I do have to point out one thing.
I think the Obama administration is taking a bold step taken by few if any prior administrations. It undermines our credibility as an arbitrator to come to the table declaring one side (Israel) always right and one side (Palestine) always wrong. If that is going to be our position (and maybe it should be) then we should stay out of the Mideast peace process altogether and simply be on standby for when our ally Israel needs our financial or military help.
So long as we are going to play peace-maker, we must at least be perceived as being fair to both sides of the dispute.
Oh … by the way, not to pimp my own blog, but I offered my own Israeli “solution” at the beginning of the year. 🙂
I will make it my first stop.
I don’t disagree with you one bit here. Obama must come to the table in fairness if he hopes to achieve anything. Having spent time in that region, however, I am skeptical that there will ever be peace or a two state solution as long as you have terror groups like Hamas and Hezbollah in control.
If Syria and Iran would somewhat reform themselves as Egypt and Jordan have done then there may be hope that Obama could broker real change.