Cain Cafeteria Crisis

Head Muscle Press BREAKING NEWS (4 November, 2011) – Head Muscle was recently approached by an anonymous former employee of the National Restaurant Association (NRA) who alleges that Herman Cain cut in front of him in line one day at the NRA cafeteria.  The gentleman revealed that while CEO back in the 1990′s, Herman Cain came down to the cafeteria sandwich bar one day and cut in front of him and about five other employees.

The individual noted that, at the time Mr. Cain cut in line, the salad station was all but empty. “There was absolutely no one at the salad bar,” the man noted.  “Mr. Cain could have made himself a nice spinach salad or something and not inconvenienced anyone…but no…he had to cut.”

To make matters worse, once at the counter Mr. Cain could not decide on what type of sandwich he wanted.  “This is when it really got awkward for me,” the alleged victim explained. “He could not decide between chicken or tuna salad. This was devastating to me as I have an allergy to mayonnaise…”  Our informant began to weep as he talked. “I can’t help it if mayonnaise makes me itchy,” he sobbed.  “What kind of man would do that to an employee…I mean it was so inappropriate.”

Apparently after receiving his food, Mr. Cain promptly departed the cafeteria. “He just left with his tuna, like nothing had happened,” the offended employee recalled. “I remember that when he walked by, he even had the nerve to smile at me and say thank you.  Sure….it looked like he was just being polite to everyone else, but I knew that he was just doing it to get into my head. I was so distraught,  I could barely finish my turkey club with no mayo.”  After saying this the alleged victim broke down into uncontrollable sobbing and had to be escorted from the news room.

Details are still unfolding about Cain’s alleged line cutting incident, but the press is getting ready to pounce.  Sources at Internet magazine giant Pollutico say that they are  planning to  publish between 30 and 40 articles on the incident today alone. In addition to the media frenzy, the National Deli Worker’s Union has come out with a statement noting that this unfortunate incident  should not discourage people from eating sandwiches for lunch.  “We would just like to assure lunch goers that our deli lines are safe.” their spokesman noted.

UPDATE…

Since this story broke, Head Muscle has received calls from many NRA employees eager to defend Mr. Cain.  “I stood in line with Mr. Cain many times at the sandwich counter,” one person noted. “Not once did I ever seen him cut, and I have never seen him order anything but roast beef. If you ask me, these allegations have been fabricated by someone just looking for a free lunch.”

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5 thoughts on “Cain Cafeteria Crisis

  1. I believe these allegations are true I spotted Mr. Cain at a Wal-Mart checking out in the express lane with 10 items over the maximum limit. To make matters worse he wrote a check and requested a price check!
    Love your writing, truly brilliant and funny as hell!

  2. I can’t help but notice (before I change channels) that NBC Nightly News has been opening each segment with”breaking news” on the Herman Cain “scandal”. That tells us everything that we need to know about the “mainstream media”, eh?

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