Head Muscle Press Exclusive (1 January 2010) – In an exclusive interview with HM Press an anonymous software developer for Industrial Light and Magic revealed that President Barack Obama does not really exist, but is actually a hologram. Our informant, who will go by the name of Irv, told our stunned HM reporter that the Obama hologram had actually been created for the first Star Wars movie, but had been replaced by the far more believable C3PO character. “It was not an easy choice,” he noted. “We really did not know which character would be accepted as plausible by theater audiences, until we held several secret pre-release screenings. The test audiences however, clearly found C3PO to be more lifelike and genuine.”
Irv contacted HM earlier this month and stated that he had a bombshell to drop. According to Irv, he was concerned that the Obama hologram had developed several “bugs” and was now highly unpredictable and prone to memory failure. “We really saw this problem manifest itself early on in Obama’s pacifist sub-routine,” he noted. “We had initially programmed him to convince the Rebel Forces to unilaterally withdraw from all military engagements, and speak directly with the Imperial despot Darth Vader instead. Somewhere down the line however, it appears his registers reset. After considerable down time we tried rebooting him, but he persisted in sending more and more Rebel troops instead of withdrawing them. I think it was a floating point error, but no one was able to make any sense of his actions. I am concerned because now that the Obama hologram is President, we are seeing the same bug with Afghanistan.”
According to Irv, Stephen Spielberg created the Obama hologram because he wanted his science fiction blockbuster to appeal to European and third world socialist markets which he believed would account for a large percentage of the film’s gross. Things continued to go wrong however, when the hologram started spontaneously blaming Luke Skywalker for the war with the Empire. “In the middle of a programmed dialog’” Irv noted, “Obama would declare that he was just a special effect trying to fix the problems that had been passed to him by other actors.” After the pre-screenings Stephen decided to replace the Obama hologram with the C3PO character because, as Steve noted, “It was just easier for the audience to believe a guy wearing a plastic robot suit.”
For several days HM attempted to set up a more detailed discussion with Irv. Finally, one of our field reporters was able to arrange a meeting with him at an undisclosed location in Northern California. Irv was notably apprehensive and asked HM to darken his face and disguise his voice. We noted that HM was a printed publication, but he insisted nonetheless. “When it comes to Steve,” Irv confided, “you are either with him or against him and I do not want to take any chances.,” The transcript follows:
HM: Irv, thanks so much for taking the time to talk to HM.
Irv: Well, things are really out of control with this hologram and I figured it was time to speak out….is my voice too high? I kind of sound like Alvin the Chipmunk.
HM: You sound fine Irv, let’s get to the story.
Irv: No, I really think I sound like Alvin on speed. Can you put a little more bass in there? If you are going to print this I would like more of a sexy Barry White voice.
HM: (pause) Sure, no problem…we will mix it after the interview.
Irv: (reluctantly) Well I suppose…
HM: So, saying that our Commander-in-Chief is nothing but a malfunctioning hologram is really quite sensational. How on Earth did a failed Star Wars special effect become President of the United States?
Irv: Well, no one has all the facts, but it appears that Democrat Party Chairman Howard Dean bought the rights to the Obama hologram from Spielberg.
HM: Why would Howard do such a bizarre thing?
Irv: Well after the Democrats could only produce Al Gore and John Kerry as presidential candidates, Dean really felt like a dramatic “change” was in order. After seeing the Obama hologram, he really felt that there was “hope” for 2008…and he was right.
HM: Really, that is fantastic. How did they know it would work?
Irv: Well they didn’t at first, so they came up with a plan to op-test him in the Senate for a year or two. When he malfunctioned they would just have him vote “present” while debugging his routines. It worked beautifully and well… the rest is history.
HM: This is amazing; he looks so lifelike and he has clearly fooled millions of supporters. How do the Democrats control him?
Irv: Well it’s pretty ingenious actually. We loaded him onto a modified X-Box and he is remotely manipulated by Nancy Pelosi using a joystick.
HM: How do you project his image?
Irv: Well there is a small camera that Nancy controls at the base of all the White House teleprompters.
HM: I’m sorry that just sounds a bit far fetched.
Irv: OK then, tell me when you last saw Obama without a teleprompter?
HM: (pausing) Good point.
Irv: Yeah, it was brilliant until after the election. That’s when the problems started.
HM: What problems do you mean?
Irv: Well, just like in the early days, he gradually became more and more erratic. Nancy would push the withdraw button on her controller and he would send more troops to Afghanistan instead. Later, when she pulled the global warming trigger, he failed to make a serious commitment at Copenhagen. Additionally, even though his developers had designed his software to be transparent, over the past few months it has been harder and harder to find the logic in his behavior.
HM: That is very concerning, have you tried to determine the cause?
Irv: Well, at first we thought it was the old bugs from the original Star Wars version re-surfacing. But we are now convinced that he is being hacked.
HM: By whom?
Irv: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove of course….who else…Sarah is too busy plucking the eyes out of dead moose.
HM: How are they doing this?
Irv: Well we are not completely sure, but rumor is they have modified a Wii station with a voice controller and are manipulating his words and actions from an underground bunker beneath Fox News Headquarters.
HM: How long have they been doing this?
Irv: No one is sure but about 2 months ago, the George W. Bush animatronic figure at Disney World spontaneously turned and gave the Obama figure the finger. We think that this might have been an early test.
HM: (in amazement) That is unreal. Tell me, has Joe Biden figured any of this out yet?
Irv: (silent stare)
HM: Right… sorry I asked.
At this point in our interview Irv started to flicker in and out of view until he was replaced by the image of Dick Cheney laughing maniacally. In the end it all made sense. What better way to unseat the Democrats than to take control of their special effects? HM is still somewhat skeptical about the story, but will be watching the next Congress for signs of bad reception. <DEVELOPING>