HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (November 21) For the first time since his election, President Barack Obama sat down with Fox News Senior White House Correspondent Major Garrett for a 10 minute interview earlier this week.  Over the course of the brief interview Obama talked about GM, health care, Sara Palin’s book, and the economy.  In his remarks on the economy the President noted:

“I think it is important though to recognize that if we keep on adding to the debt, even in the midst of this recovery, that at some point, people could lose confidence in the US economy in a way that could actually lead to a double-dip recession.”

This specific statement intrigued HM Press  because, by many estimates, the Obama Administration budget doubles the public national debt to over 15 trillion dollars.  In an effort to get further clarification on his comment to Fox News, HM Press cornered one of Obama’s staff members in line at the Pennsylvania Avenue Starbucks and pressed the issue. On condition of strict anonymity, and because he was not about to give up his place in line,  the Obama staffer agreed to a quick interview. The transcript follows:

HM: So, did you see the Fox News interview with Obama?

Staffer: Absolutely.  Obama was really at his finest.

HM: So – at one point Major Garrett asked Obama about the economy, and he stated that he was concerned about the national debt. Do you recall this statement?

Staffer: Yes, I think he was being very truthful and candid.

HM: OK, well the reason we tracked you down was that we found this statement very confusing since his budget almost doubles the national debt.  Given the facts, isn’t his “concern” for the debt a bit disingenuous?

Staffer: Not at all. The fact is Obama has told us privately that he is very concerned about his decision making to date and that, quite frankly, he is frightened to think about what he may do next.

HM: (pausing to absorb) Let me see if I understand what you are saying.  You mean Obama is scared of his own policy?

Staffer: Certainly so. I mean just look at what he has done since coming into office.  Not only has he doubled the national debt, he has given the UAW free reign over GM,  crippled our forces in Afghanistan, promoted an economy stifling Cap-and-Trade plan, alienated Israel,  pissed off his Gay constituency, dismissed his military commanders, driven up unemployment, and is currently in the process of destroying one sixth of the American economy with a nationalized health care plan. I mean, what right minded person would not be a bit apprehensive about what is next?

HM: But Obama is President of the United States of America.  He is supposed to be a confident and capable leader who bases all of his policy decisions on the best interests of the American people. Is this not the case?

Staffer: Well, that is his point exactly.  By stating his concern over his own economy-breaking  far left policies, he is showing how centrist and even-handed he can be.  And believe me, this is not an act.  Even though he may not show it, in private, Obama is quite frightened by his own policies.  Sometimes he really pisses himself off. Why I remember once, we heard all this yelling in the Oval Office. Given the yelling we just assumed Hillary was in there with him but, when we walked in, he was alone.  He was looking kind of tense, so I asked him if everything was OK. He said yes, but that he was really irritated over what he was about to do the the economy and was really fighting it.  He asked me to stay and take a transcript of the argument, so I sat in there for three more hours watching him duke it out with himself.  It was an awesome display of  his determination not to let himself screw things up any worse.

HM: (surprised) This is an amazing statement you are making. Do you actually mean to say that our Commander-in-Chief cannot control his own actions? That sounds incredibly dangerous.

Staffer: Well it is not that he cannot control his own actions. It is more like he is being controlled.

HM: Controlled by whom?

Staffer: Well come on now, isn’t it obvious?

HM: No. Who is controlling him?

Staffer: Why the Bush Administration!  Who else?

HM: How on Earth are they controlling the President of the United States? They are not even in office anymore.

Staffer: Well first off, they have boxed Obama in by taking all of the good ideas. How is Obama supposed to have any of his own?  I mean, sure he could do things that were good for our country, promoted commerce, protected individual freedom, and kept us strong and feared by our enemies, but then he would be a Republican wouldn’t he?  They have really given him no choice!   Think about it, wouldn’t it be nice if just once in a while Democrats could have the good ideas? It really is unfair. He hates the position he is in, but he really has no choice if he wants to be a stand-out Democrat leader.

HM: So let me get this straight. Obama is doing everything wrong because he wants to be different from the Bush Administration and…

Staffer: It really tears him up, but he has no choice.

HM: Why doesn’t he have a choice.

Staffer: (rolling his eyes):  Well it is common knowledge that Dick Cheney has put a mind control substance in the the White House water. It is really an insidious plot that the right has perpetrated here.

HM: This is a spectacular revelation about our President!  Should we be concerned about his mental health?

Staffer: Oh no. He is really solid. He understands that this is going on and he is fighting it with every ounce of  bodily essence.  That is why he has come out publicly and stated that he is so concerned about his debt increasing policies.  And make no mistake, he knows who is adversaries are and he will beat them, especially the evil celestial queen that seeks to remove his soul.

HM: And that would be….

Staffer: Why Sarah Palin of course!

At this point our anonymous staffer got his grande caramel mocha latte with sprinkles, and departed quickly for the White House.  At the end of the interview HM is more perplexed than ever.  We will continue to follow Obama’s fight against his own policies, and truly wish him the best in his struggle.  In the meantime, it appears we can all blame the Bush Administration for this crisis.

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At 4 AM on  25 June 1950 North Korea launched a fierce surprise attack on her neighbor to the south. Rolling across the hotly contested 38th parallel with Soviet made T-34 tanks and thousands of foot soldiers, the “People’s Army” overwhelmed South Korean forces who had little more than light weapons and hand grenades to fight with.  Seoul, South Korea’s capital city and commerce hub, stood directly in North Korea’s path, and despite valiant attempts by the south to defend her, in just a few short days she fell. The destruction was immense, and over the next three years of fighting almost 90 percent of this great city was reduced to rubble.

Most of its citizens had fled as the northern armies flooded south in wave after wave of artillery laced fury.  Soon the city was all but empty with the exception of the dead and those who remained to fight to the death.  Over the next three years, Seoul would change hands between the North Koreans,  Communist Chinese, and UN forces  five time as the contest to seize and hold it raged.  At the end of hostilities the city was dead, broken by a civil war that would divide a great people for decades to come.  After the armistice was signed, the rebuilding of Seoul started slowly due to the lack of materials and skilled leadership.  With  hard work and American support however,  determined South Koreans slowly but surely began to bring her back to life.

Today Seoul South Korea is a vibrant city of just over 14 million people, with another 7 million or so in the surrounding areas.  It is the home of giant conglomerates such as Samsung, LG, and Hyundai and boasts  more IP addresses per capita than any other city on Earth.  Seoul is, by all accounts, nothing short of a miracle and a testament to the dedication and drive of the South Korean people.  In the 56 years since hostilities between the north and the south ceased, it has literally risen from almost total destruction to being listed 9th  on the Global Cities Index.  It has a standard of living comparable to France and has been ranked above both Paris and Los Angeles as the 6th most powerful economic city in the world.  The people who live there are becoming prosperous as well with an average annual personal income of  about $32,000 US Dollars.  On a clear day you can stand on the crest of Mount Namsan, near Seoul’s center, and literally become lost in an ocean of banks, five star hotels, apartment towers, and businesses.  The city stretches out from horizon to horizon, its seemingly endless fingers of light twisting their way between mountains and across rivers. It appears to breath with energy, its arteries pulsing with cars, trucks, taxi cabs, and video billboards.  It hums a steady tune of a thousand different sounds, each of them harmonizing perfectly in a metropolitan symphony.  Seoul is, in many ways, a testament to the power of the human spirit.

Seoul, Republic of Korea

Seoul Nightlife

The Endless City

Seoul Rush Hour

Incheon International Airport Outside of Seoul

Now let’s take a look at her sister city Pyongyang, North Korea.  Like Seoul, it is also an ancient city with direct evidence of Chinese habitation as far back as 105 BC.  Relics have also been found there that predate history.  Unfortunately, this is pretty much where the similarity ends however.   Unlike its freedom loving  democratic sister to the south,  North Korea is a total dictatorship with a large portion of its wealth coming from illicit activities such as drugs,  human trafficking, and weapons smuggling.  Its citizenry is completely subjugated by a corrupt leadership, and concepts of individual freedom and human dignity do not exist.  It is in essence a plantation where about 200 families own the farm and the rest are field slaves. In Pyongyang the average annual income is between $580 and $1,500 US Dollars.  Poor government planning and a foolishly conceived “self-reliance” philosophy have resulted in massive food shortages responsible for starving to death almost 3 million North Korean men, women, and children.  Today the average North Korean lives on about 600 –  800 calories a day,  almost 2/3 below the daily recommended intake.   Pyongyang, like the rest of North Korea, is almost entirely dependent upon  food imports and humanitarian assistance from China, the US, and Europe, to feed its people. It is a country that would rather spend 25% of its meager GDP on second rate military hardware than on rice and milk for its children.  There are no small businesses, no crowded malls, and no busy highways.  There is only the anguish of an oppressed people.   Let the pictures speak for themselves:

The Decayed City of Pyongyang

North Korean Children Waiting on Dinner…and Waiting

Busy Intersection in Pyongyang

Two Starving North Korean Children

Downtown Pyongyang at Rush Hour

Pyongyang International Airport

Notice that the Pyongyang rush hour does not exist.  Without commerce, enterprise, or business of any kind, it is little more than a ghost town built upon the greed of its criminal elite.  A few years ago while at Panmunjom, I looked across to the North Korean side and noticed that they had constructed a sign which read, “North Korea is a worker’s paradise.”  In an ironic twist, facing this sign on the southern side of the border was a big billboard which read, “Everyone in Seoul drives a Hyundai.”  Though these two countries share a history, a culture, and thousands of years of civilization they could not be more different and their two capital cities, Seoul and Pyongyang, tell the story perfectly.  In fact, one picture tells it better than any other I have seen:

To the south – Seoul – a city of light.  A place where people can hope to prosper and achieve.  A place where human dignity and freedom are cherished and defended.  To the north – Pyongyang – only darkness.  Though this post is entitled “A Tale of Two Cities,”  it is really a story about two sisters.  One is strong and determined while the other is diseased and dying.  For the strong sister time marches on, while for the weaker sibling  it stands still. The weak girl hates her strong sister, not for what she does, but for what she is.  She lashes out at her, spits at her, and even tries to kill her. Despite these desperate acts however, the stronger sister still stands by her side, braces her up, and waits for the day when they will once again become one family.  This is the tale that Seoul and Pyongyang tell.

Unification Clock at the Korean War Memorial in Seoul Korea

Head Muscle would like to thank all its good friends in Seoul for their warm hospitality last week.  As usual you have taught me a lesson in graciousness.

감사합니다

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Take a close look at this face and remember it. You have seen it many times over the past decade.   It is the face that kills the innocent, makes sons and daughters orphans, and leaves wives as widows.  It is the face that tears down goodness and builds anguish and anarchy in its place. It is hatred, vile and black.  It loves what should be loathed and embraces what should be cast aside.  Take a close look at this face and remember it, because there are may out there who zealously deny its existence and ridicule anyone who suggests its presence in the world.  There are also those who acknowledge the face for what it is, but  blame others for its actions.  ”It was our fault that 9-11 happened because we are the real terrorists,” they say in defense of the face.

Take a look at this face because, even by the most conservative estimates, there are at least another 10,200,000 of them out there… waiting.  They are looking to kill your daughters and wives – they have said so. They want everything you have including your life.  They want to replace freedom with smoke, rubble, twisted steel, and severed heads.  They are planning right now, just like Major Nidal Malik Hassan did.  Time is on their side and they know it.  They know that we have to win every time and they only have to win once.  They are committed, ready, and willing to do whatever it takes to destroy what we love.  Not because it is bad, but because we love it.

Take a good look at this face. Even though it is smiling it hates you.  Its every thought is of your demise, and it will sing praises even as you beg for mercy. It will spit at you with its last breath.  It relies on your underestimation, your lack of concern, your busy day, your skepticism, and your denial in order to succeed.  It knows that it has an ally in our weak and misguided and uses them to further its goals.  Goals that lead up to days like today.  I builds its plans on false trust.  It will be your best friend right before it kills you.

Take a good look at this face, because it is looking for you. Its dark god hungers, and your misery is its only nourishment.  Take a good look at this face. It is the face of terror – the darkest evil.  It knows who you are, can you say the same?

Head Muscle’s deepest prayers go out to the victims of today’s terrorist attack on Ft Hood, the home of America’s Fourth Infantry Division.  May the God of  Abraham bless you and keep you in this hour of great despair.

Godspeed to the fighting Fourth Infantry Division!

STEADFAST AND LOYAL

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Not that I am an eavesdropper by habit, but sometimes it is just impossible not to hear the conversations of others, especially in crowded Northeastern eateries.  Today was one of those days for me.  This morning I drove to a small town just North of Baltimore Maryland to meet with some customers.  My colleagues and I had a long morning meeting and when we were done we decided to grab a bite of lunch at a local deli….a great little “mom and pop” place with some of the best pastrami East of the Shenandoah Valley.   When we arrived, the deli was full of the normal lunchtime crowd.  We wedged our way up to the counter, placed our orders, and found a small table in the densely packed dining room.   As we consumed our sandwiches, we discussed our morning meeting, last night’s World Series game, and life in general.  The ambient drone of a hundred other conversations filled the air, forcing folks to raise their voices a bit to cut through the white noise.  I am sure you know the kind of place I am talking about. Every city has them and they usually create some of the best food in the world.

After a while we began concentrating on consuming the huge sandwiches we had purchased and our conversation began to slow.  That is when I heard it. A disembodied voice from a few tables over chimed out above the din of the deli. ” I don’t now, I just think our country sucks,” it proclaimed.  I put down my kosher pickle and looked to my right and left trying to figure out who had uttered such a petulant  non-sequitur.  It took me a moment, but then I saw them.  A couple of tables away were two young men, most likely in their very early twenties, engaged in a heavy discussion on the virtue of our great nation.  I could not help but strain, just a little, to listen.  ”I just think it is crazy how we treat the rest of the world,” the rather clean cut guy facing me exclaimed, “we are such bullies.”  His buddy then joined the chorus.  ”I know, last year when I was in London, I told people that I was from Canada so that they wouldn’t give me grief,”  he quipped.  The first guy jumped back in, “Yeah, I mean when are we going to quit telling the world how to live. No wonder everyone hates us!”  At that point the murmur of the lunch crowd took over the airwaves again muffling out the rest of their anti-American monologue.  From their body language however, I could clearly tell that the conversation was still in full swing.  Even though I could no longer hear them, my mind kept ringing with the first kid’s words…”our country sucks”…”it sucks.”  The words clanged in my head like a tinny sound effect from a 1970’s soap opera. You know, the one that they used to portray thinking…

“Come on Chuck let’s get outta here,” my lunch mates commanded, breaking the vapor lock in my mind.   So I got up, shook the words out of my brain, and headed for the door once again immersed in my day.   A little later however, I found myself alone heading South in my rental car for Washington DC.  Once again the words of the two magpies at the deli came back to taunt me.  This time however, I focused more on the irony of the scene itself.  Here were two young, clearly prosperous, adults sitting in an upscale deli in Baltimore, dining on the world’s best pastrami, flipping their cell phones, and monologuing on how rotten their country was.  I hate hindsight, because it always seems to lay out the very best response to any situation about 1 or 2 hours too late.  This instance was certainly no different.  After a few moments of reflection it became clear that I had passed up a golden opportunity to butt-in and hold these guys accountable for their assertions about “my” country.

Questions started cascading through my mind. Should I have confronted them?  They were, after all, having a private conversation.  What would I have said to them?  I doubt that I could have changed their world views on the spot, but could I have put a pebble in their ideological shoes?   Why did they hate the country that had clearly treated them so well?  By the time I got back to my office in DC, I felt empty.  It was  like I had spent two hours watching a who-done-it  movie just to walk out right before the murderer was named.  I had lost my opportunity to make things right at the deli, but it was clear that I most certainly needed closure. So, in an effort to reclaim some piece of mind, I am using this post to unleash the therapeutic power of blogging and  finish the conversation that I never had. Please join me back at the deli:

Chuck: (walking up to malcontent’s table) Excuse me guys, I hate to interrupt your conversation, but I could not help but overhear your comments, and I was wondering if you would do me a favor?

Guy One: (mouth full of pastrami) Huh?

Chuck: Well, I could not help but hear your comments about my country a moment ago, and I was wondering if you would  - remind me again why America sucks?

Guy Two: I’m sorry, we were having a private conversation…

Chuck: (in a stern yet fatherly way) Well you weren’t really, were you?  I mean, if I was sitting in a public place talking about your mother, or someone you loved, in very unflattering terms where others could hear – would you not take offense?

Guy Two: What the heck are you talking about? Could you please excuse us?

Chuck: Well my point is,  you guys are sitting over here talking about my country, something that I love dearly and, in fact, have fought to defend.  So, when I hear people talking badly about her, I feel like I need to come to her defense. So, would you mind reminding me one more time why America sucks?

Guy One: (defensively) We’re bullies man.  We tell everyone how we think that they should live.  Why can’t we just mind our own business and quit pushing ourselves on others

Chuck: Let me see if I understand what you are saying here.  Are you suggesting that we should we have minded our own business as Hitler killed six million Jews?  Should we have minded our own business when  North Korea invaded their peaceful neighbor butchering tens of thousands? Perhaps we should have minded our own business when the Soviet Union tried to starve out West Berlin, or maybe when they tried to put nuclear missiles within 90 miles of Miami Florida.  Did you mean to say that we should have minded our own business as communism stripped people around the world of their freedom and dignity?   Certainly you are not inferring that we should have minded our own business as Saddam tortured and killed his own citizens, funded terrorism around the world, and waged genocide against the Kurds are you?  Maybe you could be more specific and tell me when we should have let well enough alone?

Guy Two: Well, aren’t we killing innocent civilians in Iraq?

Chuck: No, actually we are not.  We are killing terrorists and insurrectionists in Iraq. We are killing people who use innocent civilians a shields and propaganda tools. They, are the only people I know of that are intentionally killing innocent civilians.  In fact, I seem to remember about 3,000 innocent Americans that they did away with one Tuesday morning a few years back.

Guy One: What right do we have to tell other people how to live?

Chuck: Let me see here, who exactly have we oppressed?  Have Germany or Japan suffered since we conquered them in WWII?  Have Russians been standing in bread lines since the fall of the Soviet Union?  How many South Koreans have been put in Stalinist style political prisons or forced into state sponsored sexual slavery since we pushed back the North Koreans? I’m sorry here, but it seems like pretty much everyone we have “oppressed” over the years is doing pretty well right now. Maybe, once again, you could help me out and be more specific…

Guy Two: Well maybe other countries do not share our values.

Chuck: That may be true, but we do not force our values on anyone.  We export freedom, dignity, equality under the law, and democracy.  We export these things not because they are ours to give, but rather because they are inalienable rights for all people.  If, having been given these things, a people decide that they no longer want them, it is their decision.  By the way, could you do me a favor and  name  one country that, once having freedom, has willfully given it up?  Please tell me when, with the exception of internal tyranny or invasion from outside,  a free nation has ever voted to be enslaved?

Guy One: Well we cannot afford to be the world’s police force.

Chuck: I would say that we cannot afford not to be. Secretary of State Colin Powell put it perfectly when he stated that “money is a coward.”  By this, he meant that investment seeks stability.  History shows us that where there is freedom and dignity, there is also prosperity and stability.  Put simply, where would you prefer your money to be invested North Korea or North America?  What bank would you rather trust your life savings to, Bank of America or the National Bank of Sierra Leone?  The answer is simple. Prosperity requires stability, and by being the world’s security force we not only protect our own interests but the global economy as well.  Yes it is expensive and often unpopular, but I contend that it would be far more expensive to withdraw from this role that to keep it. How many more would hate us when then world economy collapsed?

At this moment in my fantasy confrontation,  the entire patronage of the deli would be standing up and cheering.  Red, white, and blue clad cheerleaders would be shaking their glittery pompoms over their heads, the Blue Angels would fly over in formation, and the cashier, Larry, would be wearing a statue of liberty crown and holding a sparkler over his head.  Cliche I know, but it is after all – my fantasy.

What concerns me though, is this notion that there are Americans out there who enjoy all that our great nation has to offer, and show nothing but contempt in return.  Like the spoiled rich kid that hates his parents, these people take pleasure in their own discontentment.  It makes them feel superior, above the fray, special.  Yet, when asked, they are unable to explain their contempt for America in any logical context.  They have lived in the beauty of the rose garden so long, they take the flower for granted and focus on the thorns. This type of irrational animus, I would suggest, has been responsible for the unraveling of many a great society. The Bolshevik Revolution,  Fascist Italy,  Nazi Germany, Mao’s Autumn Harvest Uprising, and Pol Pot’s Year Zero are all examples of what happens when a population focuses on what is wrong with a society, obsesses on it, makes it fashionable, and then eventually learns to hate everything they (or others) have.  It is a subtle fuel for rebellion in all forms, and I actually believe that this administration is overtly promoting it.  From Czars like Van Jones, to Anita Dunn’s references to Chairman Mao, the message is clear:

LOATHE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU HAVE

They understand that, once you have delicatessens full of America loathers, it will be easy to take away everything that they have. So, you may ask,  how do we fix it?  How do we turn around the budding angst that a growing number Americans appear to have for America?  Well for one, let’s all start butting in!  Instead of therapeutic blogging sessions (like this one) let’s step up to folks in the deli and hold them accountable for their views.  Let’s make them justify their discontentment in the light of logic and history.  Let’s be ambassadors for a country that is not perfect, but is a “more perfect” union than any other society in the history of man.  Remind them that we, as Americans, are truly the protectors of freedom, dignity, human rights, and justice in this age, and that, as such, we are the only nation on Earth that will spare no expense to improve the quality of life for all humanity.  Sound corny?  Maybe.  Perhaps you even disagree, but if you do,  remind me again why America sucks?

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HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (1 NOV) Shortly after their exclusive HM News interview in which Fresh Lenin rock band leaders, Niles and Ruddy, announced their appointment as Obama Administration “Music Co-Czars,” they set out hitchhiking for Washington DC – and subsequently disappeared without a trace. Word of their disappearance has reached HM News and, being concerned for their safety, we are issuing an all-points-bulletin to our devout readers around the world to help find them. Though our preliminary investigation has failed to reveal their whereabouts, we have turned up a few interesting leads in the process.

On 21 September, the day after our coffee shop interview, Niles and Ruddy were seen by several truck drivers hitchhiking on Interstate 80 just West of Vallejo, CA.  In one compelling account Marty Pelham, an independent trucker, noted that he saw “two guys” in leather on the grassy median of the Interstate apparently seeking conveyance.  “The odd thing about it,” Marty recalled, “was that they were hitchhiking in two different directions. The tall skinny guy <presumed to be Niles> had his thumb pointing West while the other guy <Ruddy> was lying down in the grass with his arm sticking up pointing East.”  It was then that Marty’s story got even stranger. “I thought I recognized them as the Fresh Lenin dudes I had been reading about on HM, so I pulled over to see if I could offer them a ride.  They ran over to my cab and asked me where I was going. I told them I was on a direct route to Northern Virginia and that they were welcome to tag along, but they declined saying that they were on their way to Washington DC and could not waste time inVirgina.”  Marty continued, “I tried explaining to them that DC was very close to Virginia, but they had already run off and started hitchhiking again, one on each side of the median. It was a bit surreal, kind of spooky, so I just got back on the road.”

In another account, Niles and Ruddy were apparently picked up by Ms. Lucille Lassiter on her way to Ohio.  “These two guys were hitchhiking just outside of Auburn California and I thought that they looked a lot like the Fresh Lenin duo I read about, so I picked them up. ”  Lucy remembered that all they really wanted talk about was how they were going to “kick some a_ _” now that they were Obama Czars.  “Niles kept talking about a ‘public music option’ he was working on and how the rich were finally going to pay for Fresh Lenin instruments one way or the other,” Lucy recalled.  “Ruddy, on the other hand,” she said, ”was busy working on a list of people that he planned to have executed as soon as Obama knighted him.” According to Lucy, the duo rode with her for nearly six hours. Things went relatively well until Niles asked her how long before they reached Seattle.  When Lucy explained to them, once again, that she was going East to Ohio, the two became very agitated. Niles angrily accused her of being part of a bourgeois plot to keep them out of Washington, while Ruddy started threatening to put her “on his list.”  Lucy tried to explain that Washington DC was not near Seattle and that they were confusing the state with the nation’s capital, but they would have none of it.  She recalled that both Niles and Ruddy started yelling, “oppressor!” over and over again until she could not take it anymore and was forced to let them out near Winnemucca, Nevada. “I tried to help them out, I really enjoyed their ”World Standing Tour” but, the fact is, they really are just a couple of  dumb a_ _ es,” Lucy vented.

Since Lucy’s encounter, sightings of Niles and Ruddy have been reported everywhere from Ontario Canada to Guadalajara Mexico, but their actual location still remains a mystery.  White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, has refused to comment on the situation in what may be an overt attempt to distance the Obama Administration from the brewing scandal.  An anonymous source close to the President however, told HM that Obama was very concerned for the safety of his ex-bandmates and was privately monitoring the situation.  Our source also commented that the White House, though not vouching for their Music Czar appointments, was very interested in obtaining a copy of Ruddy’s “list.”

So, even as the political spin machine kicks into high gear, the whereabouts of our two Fresh Lenin friends, Niles and Ruddy, remains a mystery.  Will they, in fact, be our nation’s first “Music Co-Czars” or is the administration rethinking its plan in light of the recent controversy surrounding Van Jones and other Adminstration Czars?  Will Niles and Ruddy ever make it do DC? Whatever may ultimately happen, one fact remains – Niles and Ruddy are missing in action.  In an effort to find them,  Head Muscle is reaching out to all its devout readers for assistance.  Please send your Fresh Lenin sightings and theories, no matter how nutty, to our HM Comments link without delay. With your help, HM will unravel the “Mystery of the Missing Marxists.”

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Last Wednesday was a special day. It was a day that, for most of us Californians, only comes around once every five years or so.  Unlike birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays which plod by predictably every year, days like last Wednesday are full of anticipation, uncertainty, angst, and trepidation.  Every Californian shares this event, it is something that binds us, tests our metal, and makes us brothers and sisters –in-arms.  We all face this day on different dates, but it is the same for all of us.  Last Wednesday  was my day, my turn to step up, be counted, and take a number. It was DMV day!

Having been a California resident for the better part of 20 years, I have learned not to take this day lightly.  It takes preparation, planning, mental conditioning, and if possible Valium.  This year I was ready.  About  8 weeks ago, I felt a chill in the air and knew I had to prepare.  So, I diligently went to the California Department of Motor Vehicles website and did what any time conscious citizen would do – I made an appointment.  Years ago I made the mistake of just “showing up” and paid a dear price.  I remember it as if it were yesterday.  There I was, a  young naïve resident of the Golden State, still basking in the glow of my new found Southern Californian status.  This was the day that I was going to cash in my old tired Florida driver’s license for that little card that would prove to everyone I had finally arrived.  I remember parking my car, walking up to the big double doors of the Claremont Mesa DMV building, and swinging them both wide open.  Here I am, your newest citizen!

The human brain is a complex thing and, for reasons that I am not qualified to analyze, my mind has blocked out most of  the 4 hour trial that followed, but I will forever have one thing from that day etched in my mind…the line.  I had found the gates of Hell and they were opened wide at the California DMV.  Demons disguised as DMV clerks were monitoring the line ever so carefully to ensure that it did not have any perceptible movement.  One by one they ushered each lost soul to a counter where, having not made an appointment, they would be subject to Satan’s whim.  My jubilation faded instantly as I joined onto the end of the line. In my mind I heard whips cracking and chains clinking.  ”Welcome to your California DMV,” a loop recording repeated over and over,” please make sure that you have all required forms prior to getting in line.”  It was a fitting dirge as the line snaked forward ever so slowly.  When I emerged from the double doors 4 hours and 3 lines later, I was a changed man – a hardened veteran who would never be fooled again.

Needless to say, I learned my lesson that day, and my subsequent 3 visits were all carefully framed inside of an appointment.  Even with an appointment one’s California DMV experience will still be somewhat painful, but  is at least tolerable.  So anyone with a working telephone and at least two functional neural synapses makes it a habit to call weeks in advance and block out a time for their special day.  So, this past Wednesday morning I awoke feeling confident that I, now a seasoned Californian, would once again survive my DMV day with minimal discomfort.  The plan was simple. My appointment was at 0950, so I would get there early, take a seat, get my forms filled out and when the minute hand hit the 10 I would walk up to the clerk and renew my license. I would be out of there in plenty of time to drive home and grab my 1200 shuttle to the airport.  It was foolproof , what could possibly go wrong…right?

I arrived at the Poway DMV at exactly 0930 hours, twenty full minutes ahead of my appointment.  I was confident, prepared – almost cocky.  I walked up to the big double doors threw them wide open only to find out that Satan had moved his gates to Poway.  I was immediately greeted with the line photographed below:

I think I actually recognized some of the folks in line from 1989 – they were wearing the same clothes and some had not eaten.  “Well, this could not possibly be my line,” I thought in a vain attempt to provide myself some fleeting form of comfort. “After all,” I thought, “I am not one of them, they’re a bunch of drogues , I have an appointment.” So, I walked past the line confidently to a counter where a small, unsmiling, middle aged lady stood.  I put on my biggest smile, made firm eye contact, and announced that I was there for my appointment.  Without looking up from her computer screen, she pointed to the march of the damned I had just passed and said, “You gotta get in the line.” Refusing to accept what I had just heard, I thrust my appointment slip between her and the computer screen and politely informed here that I was there for “my” 0950.  “Sir, your 0950 starts at the end of that line, and I suggest you hurry up and get in it because it is getting longer by the moment.”  I looked behind me at the end of the line and, as if by magic, it had tripled in length from the time I had walked in.  I looked back at her trying to think of something to say that would somehow generate sympathy, but as I looked into her face I saw a state employee who was tired of people, angry at her life’s decisions,  and had just been told that she was going to have to work harder for a 20% pay cut.  She did not give one piece of dried up horse pucky about my situation. So I resigned myself to the fate of all the other poor lost souls in the room and walked, shoulders slumped and head down, to the end of the line.

I was not the only one taken off guard by the new DMV business model.  About half of the folks in line also had appointments and some of them had already been standing there for over an hour.  We were all in a state of collective shock. We were the appointment elite, and somehow the DMV had figured out how to thrust us right back into the line standing proletariat.  “Well I have to be at work in 30 minutes and I have already been here an hour,” one nicely dressed woman blurted out as if the back pressure of her emotions had finally gotten the best of her. “This is craziness,” another person whimpered in resignation. We were like rabbits just realizing the extent of the snare we had been caught up in. We were helpless, powerless to change our situation, angry, embarrassed, and under the power of a disaffected  middle aged DMV employee.  Hell, once again,  had received me with open arms; appointment slip and all.

Theoretically  I was standing in a receiving line where, after I worked back up to the lady I had already irritated, I would have my renewal form validated.  I then had to fill it out and get into another line to turn it in, pay my fee, and be given a number.  Judging from the folks sitting on the wooden benches waiting for their numbers to be called (some I think may have died of exposure) it was only going to get more painful. But I tucked my dignity away and waited with everyone else.  Instantaneously, I had descended from my “special case status” to one of the masses;  a faceless peasant without freedom, self-determination, or dignity.   The DMV had won yet again.

When I finally got to the counter two hours later to renew my license, I could not help but ask the small elderly man that was helping me why things had gotten so ugly.  He looked at me and smiled, I have since decide with pleasure, and chirped, “Because Schwarzenegger wouldn’t pass the budget.”  He kept looking at me and smiling, clearly extracting more and more pleasure from my look of dismay. That is when it hit me, we were being punished for refusing to feed fiscal beast!  The California government, to which I have paid tens of thousands of dollars over the past 20 years, was using the DMV to give each and every one of us a “spanking” for refusing to continue funding their fiscal drug habit!  There were many adjustments that they could have made to dramatically cut state spending.  They could have eliminated the 4 billion dollars a year of MediCal fraud, they could have cut services to illegal aliens, they could have eliminated massive state welfare and workfare programs, they could have even cut state taxes which would have most certainly increased revenue.  But no, they wanted each California citizen to feel the pain, and the one place that they could do this was the DMV.  No matter who you are or what your political affiliation, they knew that one day you would have to walk through those gates for a tag, a driver’s license renewal, or something and then they would have you.  And just to add insult to injury, after they had held you captive for 4 hours you wouldn’t even have the closure of walking out with your license. You would instead have to wait two more weeks to receive it in the mail.

Over the last few days since “my special day” I have slowly regained my personal composure and no longer recoil in horror every time I see two or three folks in line at Starbucks.  It has also since occurred to me that in my trip through the DMV sausage maker, I may have had a prophetic glimpse at a public “option”  health care facility.  Just replace the petulant little DMV lady with a hospital administrator, the DMV building with an emergency room, and the line full of irritated drivers with sick folks and there you have it, Obama Care at its finest.  In private industry, processes are put in place for the convenience of customers. In the government sector however, processes are put in place for the convenience of the government. The DMV is a perfect example of what emerges from this philosophy.  But this type of treatment is not exclusive to the DMV however, you can walk into any government office or agency and almost be guaranteed the same experience. So what on Earth makes people believe that a government health care system would ultimately be any different?  Here is the truth that a trip through the DMV can reveal to the perceptive:

THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU

In fact, I would not be surprised if, somewhere in DC, some obscure Greek renaissance style government building has this etched in Latin over its entrance.  It is one truth we are taught time and again. When you rely of the government to care, you will be disappointed.  So, for all of you who would prefer to keep clinging to your Utopian dream of a single payer system, I say be careful what you ask for and  be ready to have your health care served up DMV style.

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HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (20 October) With California being recently heralded as America’s first “Failed State,” the Democrat led Assembly has embarked on a series of bold legislative moves to turn the world’s eighth largest economy toward recovery.  ”This is no laughing matter,” a State Assembly spokesperson announced at a press conference earlier this week. ”Our schools now rank 49th out of 50, we are being forced to lay off 60,000 state employees due to lack of operating resources, entire cities have bankrupted their pension funds, unemployment is up to 12% across the board, and the government has been reduced to sending taxpayers IOU’s in lieu of their refunds. We are simply at a point where we have to take immediate decisive action, regardless of the consequences.  Given the enormity of this financial crisis, I just want to reaffirm to California taxpayers that their State Assembly is doing everything within its power to completely eliminate big screen televisions…”

Despite vigorous protests from television manufacturers, retailers,  and owners around the state the Assembly has vowed to begin a massive effort to regulate the size and power consumption of televisions sold within California state lines.  One anonymous Assembly analyst privately estimates that by making certain models of televisions illegal in the state, that they will drive out between 1000 and 3000 television retailers almost immediately. “Do you have any idea how much power those electronics boutiques use up?” he giddily quipped.  ”Closing an additional 3000 businesses would be a huge annual power savings for the state!”  In addition to these potential savings, the Assembly spokesperson also pointed out that many jobs would actually be created by this bold move.  ”The good news,” he noted, “is that we will need to establish a State Television Power Consumption Board (STPCB) that will have the duty of monitoring power consumption statistics for any brand and model of television sold in our state.  If we do this right, it could be bigger than the DMV.  With luck, this new organization could fully employ the 60,000 state employees that we have recently had to lay off plus some.”  When queried by reporters at the conference about commercial sector jobs, the spokesperson also noted that, “In addition to the new STPCB jobs, we estimate that between 20 to 30 thousand private sector jobs could be created in the puppet show industry.  Consumers will be looking for energy conscious ways to be entertained, and our industry experts believe that this will really stimulate growth in state puppet-based entertainment.”  Though the numbers sounded impressive, Assembly Republicans were quick  to call Democrats out on their estimates. In a hastily assembled response,  a Republican spokesperson noted that Democrats were not only counting new puppeteers in their job growth forecasts, but were also counting the puppets themselves in order to artificially inflate the numbers.  Undeterred by conservative anti-puppet assaults however, state Democrat strategists pointed out that puppet shows are better than most big screens anyway, because  puppet shows are usually presented in High Definition 3-D formats.

“This is really a brave step forward in restoring California’s once great economy,” the Assembly spokesperson summarized.  ”We, like President Obama, understand that the two real issues underlying our nation’s financial crisis, health care and big screen televisions, are inextricably linked and must be corrected in a single concerted effort.  Just think about all  those waiting rooms at medical facilities with big televisions in them.  Imagine the savings California alone could realize by replacing them with puppet shows.”

Privately, almost all state lawmakers agree that this is a huge step in the right direction, but see it as only one spoke of an aggressive holistic approach to getting California back on fiscal track. “You really have to take the entire effort into account if you want a full picture of what we are doing,” one lawmaker commented to HM. “Sure, the big screen television ban is key, but you have to couple it with our move to legalize medical marijuana, and include Breathalyzer controlled ignition systems in the cars of California DUI drivers. This really represents the total essence of what we are doing to combat our state’s collapsing economy. Combine our state efforts with an aggressive federal Cap-n-Trade system, a national Value Added Tax,  and small business funded public health care and you have a real formula for economic growth.”

Governor Schwarzenegger has not yet taken a stance on the banning of big screens, but did put out a general statement after the Assembly press conference reaffirming his administration’s support for the puppet industry. (DEVELOPING)

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This is a picture of  one of the most powerful warships ever to cruise the high seas. It is a United States Navy Arleigh  Burke Class Destroyer.  The ship is powered by four GE LM 2500 gas turbines, each packing a whopping  33,600hp.  Its top speed is well above 30 knots, it incorporates cutting edge stealth technology, and comes complete with the most sophisticated Aegis tracking system ever built.  It also packs one hell of a punch.  Its standard weapons load includes Harpoon cruise missiles, Standard Navy air to air missiles, Tomahawk land attack cruise missiles, torpedoes, 2-20mm Close In Weapons Systems, and a 5 inch deck mounted artillery gun. It is an impressive achievement in naval warfare and has been one of the cornerstones in our nation’s naval strategy for the past 17 years. It strikes fear in the hearts of our adversaries, and promotes our national interests around the world.  The designers of this world class naval vessel left nothing to chance. They optimized every square inch of the ship’s interior and exterior for the accomplishment of its vital mission – taking the fight to the enemy.   They considered factors such as weather, weight, battle damage, system redundancy, reliability, and endurance.  When the first Arleigh Burke slid into the water in 1991 it was clear that they had thought of everything…well almost. There seems to have been one minor oversight- they forgot the gay berthing.

Today,  most US Navy ships have fully integrated male and female crews (submarines are still the exception).  This was no small undertaking however.  The integration of women on board Navy ships started in 1979 when about 62 female enlisted and 3 officers were assigned to the USS Vulcan a WWII vintage repair ship.  For more than 20 years the Navy studied every aspect of integrating both sexes.  Things like readiness, crew morale, good order and discipline, berthing facilities, head facilities, and general personal privacy had to be taken into account.  Put simply the entire  ”male warrior” culture had to change.

There is very little privacy on board an naval vessel and, by necessity, almost all shipboard facilities are shared.  Sleeping compartments are stacked 3 high and usually accommodate between 20 and 60 crew members.  Showers and sinks are usually designed for multiple simultaneous users, and dressing facilities are open and in full view.  This works for a normally integrated male/female crew because the ship is  divided into different berthing areas designated solely for either men or women.  This obvious separation of the sexes has been tried and tested throughout human civilization. The philosophy is simple, keep the boys away from the girls and no one gets in trouble.  So, great effort was made over the years by the Navy to ensure that both sexes had adequate privacy and personal space. The Navy also established harsh discipline for those caught “cheating.”  Unfortunately despite the physical separation, stringent rules, and tough penalties the Navy soon discovered that, when you put a bunch of young men and women inside a small steel box and send them out on the high seas for months at a time, they are going to make babies.  In one famous case study, the USS ACADIA (AD-42) returned from a six month deployment with the nickname “Love Boat”.  Wikipedia summarizes the scandal accurately on their USS ACADIA page.  An excerpt reads:

“…In 1991, when the ship returned to San Diego from the deployment, thirty-six women were missing from the ship, the result of medical transfers for pregnancy. It was a particular embarrassment for the Navy, who had to look at the success on the battlefield of the other military branches during the Gulf War while hearing one of its vessels was derisively called ‘The Love Boat.’…”

So even with only two groups, male and female, to deal with the Navy has had no shortage of challenges, readiness impacts, and embarrassments.  Now let’s add openly gay and lesbian crew members to the mix.  By doing this you now have, in essence, four groups you have to keep separate on a relatively small ship.  This task, though trivial sounding to the uninformed, is nothing short of overwhelming. In an effort to keep this post relatively short, I am only going to discuss four of the many issues that the Navy, and other Services, will have to address:

PROBLEM 1: Where would they sleep? Let’s see, would you put the gay men  with straight men in tightly cramped 60 man bunk rooms?  This would be a disaster.  I can only imagine what would happen in a berthing space with 55 straight guys and five openly gay Sailors.  It would be a nightmare for both groups. Perhaps you would opt to put the gay guys in with the females.  I mean, technically speaking, that would be the right match, but I cannot help but think that the women would have something to say about it.  Imagine being a straight woman having to dress in plain view of the opposite sex, regardless of their sexual preferences.  Besides, knowing Sailors as I do, I could almost guarantee that creative straight guys would claim to be gay just to get into female berthing. So, the only remaining option would be to put the all the gay Sailors in their own berthing compartment. This would be dangerous as well however, because you now have a “gay section” of the ship. You are basically putting people that, by definition, are sexually attracted to each other in the same confined space  and letting them sleep together. It may make for a great party, but the good order and discipline would be severely damaged.  This is not meant to besmirch gay patriotic Americans in the least, it is rather a commentary on the reality of our hormonally driven human  condition (reference the USS ACADIA).

Tightly Packed Crew Berthing Space

PROBLEM 2: Where would they shower? Like berthing, showers are crowded places on a Navy ship with lots of Sailors rushing around and getting ready for their day.  They are cramped spaces and open nudity is pretty much a necessity.  So, do you put the gay male Sailors in the same bathrooms as the straight Sailors? Again, this would create unnecessary stress and sexual tension for both groups. You don’t put them in with the women either for the very same reason.  So, again, you are limited to a “gay shower” area where people who have a sexual proclivity for each other will be isolated.  This is simply not a good formula for anyone.

PROBLEM 3: How many gay Sailors would be allowed on a ship? So let’s say that we settled on a way to divide the gay crew members appropriately. Perhaps you elect to put gay men and lesbian women in their own spaces. Now you have a facility issue. There are only so many racks and heads on a ship and they are located where they are not to accommodate sexual preference, as much as to optimize space for weapons systems. So it becomes somewhat of an engineering trade-off.  You will either have to limit the number of gays you allow on a ship to the size of an existing “gay” berthing compartment, or you will have to redesign the interior of the ship with new facilities. This could not only compromise weapon systems layout, but could also compromise ship stability and seaworthiness as well.  This would cost taxpayers billions of dollars that could be better spent arming and protecting our Warfighters overseas.  So, it is conceivable that you may actually find yourself in the position of  putting limits on how many Sailors of each sexual orientation you billet to a ship. This will most certainly become unthinkably complex and will almost immediately impact the readiness of the Fleet.

PROBLEM4: Promotability vs. Shore Rotation. Some may say that, given shipboard limitations, it would be best to just keep gay and lesbian Sailors ashore. This is a problem from two perspectives. First, it will almost immediately make gay and lesbian Sailors un-promotable.  Most Navy ratings require sea service to refine the Sailor’s skills and make them competitive for advancement. Keeping gay and lesbian Sailors ashore would be patently unfair to them, and would most certainly cut their careers short.  Second, it would create a real problem for straight Sailors who, having been to sea for several years, could not find a suitable shore job to rotate to because they were all taken up by gays. This would ultimately force straight Sailors to stay at sea and gay Sailors to stay ashore. Retention would suffer in both demographics and Navy readiness would be impacted. This was, in fact, one of the reasons the Navy had to put women on board ships.

At the end of the analysis, introducing gays to an Arleigh Burke Class Destroyer or any other naval ship would be an insurmountable problem.  It would cost tax payers billions of dollars, reduce ship readiness, and create huge quality of life issues for both gay and straight Sailors forced to live daily in very close proximity with each other. It is also concerning from another perspective. The Navy like the other Armed Services IS NOT a job.  Having served on board Navy ships myself for over 21 years I understand this fact first hand.  Duty in an Armed Service is a way of life.  Unlike a 9 to 5 bank job where you can work with openly gay or straight people and then have the privilege of going home and living your personal life in private, you are with your Shipmates, 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  Service Members not only have to reflexively support each other in highly stressful situations, but must also be ready to make the “ultimate sacrifice” at any moment.  This is why it is absolutely essential that our Service Members eat, live, work, and even play as a single team.  A bank manager or plumber would never understand this.  This is why gay rights ideologues, though well meaning, are simply ignorant of what they are asking their Armed Forces to do.  An Arleigh Burke Destroyer does one thing well – make war. It is not a vehicle for social change or sexual awareness. Those systems simply were not installed at the shipyard.

The flaw lies in the fallacious thinking, by some, that our Armed Force have to accommodate all societal demographics. This notion is completely false.  We do not let blind people fly jets, we do not let uneducated people become officers, and we do not let people with low intelligence operate a submarine’s nuclear reactors.  The fact is we discriminate across the board when selecting qualified people for our military, because we must protect its ability to fight and win wars. That is truly the only objective that we should be worried about.  By turning our military into a equal opportunity venue for every demographic that thinks that it is their “right” to serve, we inadvertently weaken the very thing we are trying to build up. Admittedly it may be unfair,  but fairness has never won a war.

So, it is easy for our President to appease his gay/lesbian constituency and demand immediate change in this area. By doing so however, he is showing his own ignorance of the  Services he commands. My strong belief is that putting homosexuals on the high seas in our Navy ships, though arguably noble in intent, could well sink our Navy faster than a fleet of Chinese fast attack submarines.

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HEAD MUSCLE PRESS (8 October) In a surprise press conference earlier today, an alliance of California-based environmental and animal rights groups known as Code Green, announced that they would “radically depart from tradition” an endorse a Coastal Barrel Cactus as their candidate for Governor in 2010.   “This is a great day for the people, and succulents, of California,” newly appointed alliance spokesperson  Cindy Sheehan proclaimed. “It is my privilege to announce that Code Green has chosen to formally endorse an outstanding plant, Genus Ferocactus, as the next governor of this great state.  Unfortunately, Genus is not able to be with us in person for this announcement as he is firmly rooted on a coastal hillside just south of La Jolla.  However, I am happy to say that our candidate will soon be transplanted to a special portable container for the duration of the campaign.”  Ms. Sheehan went on to further explain the choice. “We have chosen this Barrel Cactus because we believe that he embodies the struggle that all of our flora brothers and sisters have had to endure since the founding of our cruel plant killing nation.  They have been cut down, harvested, picked, burned, and trimmed against their will for centuries and, by endorsing a Succulent-American for Governor, we are saying enough is enough!”  The announcement was met with cheers and accolades by green groups around the state. It has also received early support  from the Obama administration’s Science and Technology Czar John P. Holdren. “This is nothing short of a plant rights revolution!” he quipped to press members who, ironically enough, caught him at lunch eating a salad. “It is about time that we recognized the fact that plants are people too – only crunchier…”

Upon further investigation, HM discovered that one of the key groups behind this endorsement is the little known California Nogan Society (CNS), founded by long-time plant activist Perry Millet.  ”With this daring and provocative nomination, we have once again put the spotlight on vegetable rights,” he stated in a coordinated press release.  Millet started the California Nogan Society after he gained notoriety among radical environmentalists  in the late 1980’s, by marrying a stalk of broccoli.  Shortly afterward, he used his newly realized fame to start CNS.  Like Vegans, Nogans believe that it is morally reprehensible to eat meat or dairy products. Nogans take it a step further however, by refusing to eat any plant-based food as well.  Some, hardliners in the group have even ruled out water.  The current rumor is that Millet sent his support for the Barrel Cactus endorsement via press release, because he is currently…well… dying.  This has been a wide spread problem across the CNS organization. Though recruiting remains strong in green circles, retention has been a real problem. Wanting to get more information on this landmark endorsement however, HM Press arranged a late afternoon telephone interview with Mr. Millet:

HM - So, Mr Millet thank you for the opportunity to talk to you about today’s endorsement of a Coastal Barrel Cactus for the 2010 California gubernatorial election.

Millet - His name is Genus Ferocactus you know – you could use it.  How would you like it if I called you “Caucasian Human Being” every time we spoke?

HM - Um, sorry about that. So why Genus?

Millet - Well, it is time for flora discrimination to come to an end.  I mean do we really think that only “humans” are entitled to hold office? When you count single cell algae strains there are approximately three hundred fifty trillion plants on earth for every person. I mean where is their representation?

HM – Most people would say that it is absolutely ludicrous to nominate a plant as governor.  They would argue that a cactus has no brain or self awareness and would be completely incapable of executing the office. What do you say to these folks?

Millet – First, they’re nothing but a bunch of bigoted Floraphobes. Second, these are the same idiots that elected Grey Davis and then replaced him with Arnold Schwarzenegger!  Why on earth would they be upset with a cactus?

HM - So what is the campaign message going to be?

Millet – Well, we are still in our focus groups on that, but I want to play off of Obama’s winning “Hope” and “Change” platform. I am thinking something like “Growth” or “Roots.”

HM – Interesting…So let’s say hypothetically your cactus wins the election and now governs the eighth largest economy in the world…what’s next?

Millet – Oh this is only the beginning. Our alliance has ongoing operations in almost every county of the state.  We plan to start a major push for representation in the legislature as well.

HM – More succulents?

Millet – Nope, we will be past that. We are thinking big.  We  have a Long Horn Fairy Shrimp that has agreed to run in San Mateo for the District 8 seat, and a very promising fern that we are marketing in Marin County. I think it is just a matter of time before we really change the political demographic in our state.

Shortly after Millet’s last comment the phone went dead.  His administrative assistant called us back and explained Mr. Millet had not been feeling well since his weight had dropped below 35 pounds, and that he was taking a nap.  Millet is not the only outspoken advocate for this cause however.  A group of activists in San Diego are said to be working on legislation classifying  companies like Orkin, Terminix, and Scott’s as “hate groups.”  Other states are also poised to follow in California’s steps should the Barrel Cactus get elected. Reports are that a moose is being urged to run for Mayor of Alna Maine, and a farmer in Rolla Missouri has a clump of clay that is quickly gaining popularity.  If this radical trend continues, as some say it will, analysts project that potted plants and slugs alone could comprise almost 12% of the US voter base by 2020. Analysts say that this will only spell greater trouble for “red states” as ferns, cacti, and fairy shrimp typically vote liberal.  Regardless of what happens anywhere else however, all eyes will be on California in 2010 to see if an unassuming Coastal Barrel Cactus can bring eager Californians the “change” that their state so sorely needs.

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A couple of weeks ago, our Commander-in-Chief decided that the United States would not continue with the previous administration’s plan to place mid-range ballistic defense systems in Poland and Czech Republic.  This pull back on previous international defense commitments is part of a greater unilateral $1.4 billion draw down in US ballistic missile defense spending.  Apparently, the Obama administration believes that by knowingly making the United States and its allies less safe, Russia will capitulate to our desire for them to support additional severe sanctions on Iran.   It seems that, in Obama’s mind, elimination of a defensive capability will somehow compel the developer of  an offensive capability to reverse course.  In essence this is like saying, “By leaving my door unlocked, I am going to compel you not to rob my house.”  By any stretch of the imagination, this is a risky if not logically flawed approach.  So, in a vain attempt  to seek some comfort by better understanding Obama’s plan, I set out on an Internet-based expedition for answers.  What I found, however, punched me right between my optic nerves:

After looking at the above pictures the pain behind my eyes only seemed to intensify.  Surely our President would not make such a risky decision on our safety without a sound plan.  So with renewed zeal  I dug even further trying to find some type of consolation –  and found these:

Having now successfully propelled myself into an inverted flaming existential tailspin I panicked.  Surely Putin is being political and all these pictures are just for show!  Surely the smiles were fake and these rooms were full of animus and enmity.   Then I found the most troubling  picture of all:

Does this look like two men who want to “sanction” each other?  What exactly is Mahmoud doing to our buddy here?  Is Putin enjoying it?  Can we count on the corrupt, power mad (and clearly sometimes vulnerable) Putin to do the right thing by the US?  I cannot say for sure, but I now firmly believe that a handshake (and whatever is happening above) is truly worth a thousand words.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I found one other picture that I am sure succinctly sums up Putin’s feelings about Obama’s plan:

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